Tell no Tales- rewrite (NSW, R (language), COMPLETE)

[DarthBrendo]

Amazing post. Brutal, cold, calculating, vicious and incredibly sad and despairing. You capture the emotion that is present in each situation marvelously.

[Jidai Geki]

Thanks, man. As I say I'm going to rewrite the flashback (as a matter of fact, I've been giving serious thought as to how I can recast the whole character of Ferrer, so I'll probably rewrite all his scenes when I'm finished), but I'm glad it came across that way.

 

----------------------

For the people

 

”œMills?”

[DarthBrendo]

I somehow don't think that Jack will last the non-coup.

[Jidai Geki]

You're very cynical, Brendan.

 

---------------------------

 

Jason closed the door behind him softly and looked down at her.

 

”œEius, Pen,”

[DarthBrendo]

Cynical? Me? Maybe a little

 

This was actually quite a beautiful passage. Seeing Pen exposed and raw, letting it all come out for once to someone who seems to think quiet fondly of her would be both hard and easy.

 

Interesting that Jason still goes back to his father though.

[Jidai Geki]

Jack concealed his surprise as he opened the door to find himself staring at Pike.

 

”œHello, Jack,”

[DarthBrendo]

Something about Pike irks me. Not in a bad way, just in a his character irks me and makes me feel like I'm listening to a psychotic madman talk.

[Jidai Geki]

That's good, then. He's supposed to be an unsympathetic character. He's kind of a slimy arsehole.

 

----------------------------------

 

”œWhat are you talking about, Ossus?”

[DarthBrendo]

This feels like that scene in the movie about Islandwana, where the redcoats are getting thigns ready..loading the guns, getting the defences ready, but they can still hear the Impis marching and their warcries.

[Jidai Geki]

Haven't heard of that before- Redcoats as in British soldiers?

 

---------------------------

 

The Copsers began filtering into the large plaza near the centre of town the next day at five o'clock, and they kept coming for several hours- hordes of green-tinged, misshapen men, women and children slowly pouring onto the cracked cobbles, all available space near the stage swallowed up within half an hour. Eventually those at the back pulled themselves up onto balconies, fountains and mouldering statues, all the better to catch a glimpse of the two men who would be fighting it out for the right to govern them.

 

The five of them watched grimly from two adjacent windows high in the infirmary building- Jason, Ossus, Kwame Penelope and Xi- as the procession marched on. For some of them, it was one of the most frightening things they had ever seen, as if the dead had rose en masse and now marched on the land of the living to rend their flesh and tear them limb from limb. For those of a more progressive bent, who had spent time in the humanising influence of Jack and his men, it was still mildly unnerving. For all Jack's earthy warmth and his simple, straightforward friendliness, there was something unshakably bizarre about the deformed, vegetation-wracked Copsers. Certainly when they were gathered in such numbers.

 

”œIf ever there was a place for Glom to hold court,”

[DarthBrendo]

Yes, redcoats as in British Soldiers. One of Michael Caine's early movies. 1965, called "Zulu".

 

Pike is a very good politician. I can only hope that Jack can appeal to reason.

[Jidai Geki]

Pike laid it all out- with his own particular spin, of course, never one for passing up an opportunity to turn the knife- but all true, more or less.

 

The missing Copsers whose whereabouts hadn't been investigated due to logistical and practical concerns. The continued courting of Portstown business- perhaps not to line his own pocket, but then again, who really knew? The abandonment of Lanson to whatever grisly fate awaited him in the open Copse. The softly-softly approach to dealing with rogue Portstown murderers, some of whom hunted Copsers for fun.

 

Pike recounted the contents of the statements in a soft, sombre tone, a statesman dutifully but regretfully informing his people of a dreadful injustice perpetrated against them, his every word carefully couched to get the crowd good and whipped up. And when he had dredged up every sordid, out-of-context conversation and action that he possibly could, when the crowd was on the verge of full-blown rioting at the stark revelations, did he administer the verbal double-tap that he knew would finish the Copser leader off for good.

 

Mr. Tanner, he calmly informed the crowd, had been in secret talks with Portstown.

 

A stunned silence fell across the crowd.

 

In his chair, exposed to the crowd in their entirety, the blood in Jack's veins turned to ice.

 

-------------------------------

 

Pike waited for a moment to allow the full weight of his words to sink into the assembled mass, to allow them to turn the idea and its implications over in their minds before he continued. He had half expected them to riot on the spot; that they hadn't was a promising sign. He wanted his ascendance to be as bloodless- as legitimate- as possible.

 

He glanced down at the statement provided to him by Mills, large swathes of this section crossed out, and looked back up at the crowd.

 

”œIt pains me to have to tell you this, ladies and gentleman, it really does,”

[DarthBrendo]

Sorry I haven't replied sooner, I was away for the weekend.

 

Great post. I was kinda hoping that there would be some sort of manipulation of what Mills had given Pike. He seemed reluctant enough as it was. ONly seemed logical for him to be abused.

 

Do we get to stay and see what happens with the Copsers? Or do we leave and follow Ossus and his group?

[Jidai Geki]

In answer to your question...

 

--------------------

 

Pike shouldered through the blindly milling civilians, heading straight for the wispy clouds billowing into the air. All around lay dead or dying Copsers, limbs missing and covered in thick, sticky blood where the explosives had ruptured their bodies.

 

He caught, for the first time, a glimpse of their assailants. Emboldened by the panicked rout, some of them had ventured forth from their hiding places, shooting or striking any Copser close by who hadn't had the good sense to run the other way.

 

His blood boiled as he saw one of the murderers raise a cudgel to strike at a stray infant. He was meat.

 

Pike raised the gun without hesitation and fired on the meat scum. The bullet was stray, tearing through the meat's throat rather than, as intended, his head, and he jerked back as the sliver of metal blew out half of his neck. The boy struggled for a moment, eyes working madly in his head, and he toppled to the ground.

 

The cobbles sang a short, violent note to his left, and he flinched instinctively before he realised he was being fired on. He crouched down, glanced around, saw Jack and others approaching rapidly.

 

He crouch-ran forward, reaching the sobbing child, and as he did another meat stepped forward, malicious grin and cudgel held high, and another.

Pike didn't even think, letting his fury and his hatred carry him, and he swung his pistol into the nearest one's face as hard as he could. He felt flesh and bone yield under the heavy butt, and bloodied teeth danced skittishly across the hard cobbles.

 

He grasped the dazed boy's lapels and brought the gun back, teeth gritted as he hit him again. And again. And again.

 

Something hard smacked into the back of his head and he let go of the boy's lapels, his ruined face bouncing off the cobbles with a wet slap. Pike staggered, stars swimming in his eyes, and managed to step out of the next blow as the boy swung his cudgel.

 

He swung the pistol wildly, catching the boy behind the ear, and he staggered back. Pike raised the gun, cocked it, and blew his jaw apart in an explosion of gore and teeth. The next shot took the incoherently mewling meat in the chest, and he staggered backwards and toppled to the ground.

 

He turned, and one of the meat was smiling gently at him.

 

”œHello,”

[DarthBrendo]

Solid post. Just the right level of detail in the brutality not to descend into being gore.

 

Be interesting to see how things pan out for Jack and Pike now.

 

I can only gather that it was Ferrer leading the meat, judging byt he use of what I believe are gauntlets taken from Ossus.

[Jidai Geki]

The Greatest Game

 

The five of them plunged into the deepening Copse evening, leaving Copse-by-the-water to the east and heading, vaguely, in the direction of Portstown to the west.

 

As they left the imposing tree-stone of Copse-by-the-water behind them, comforting and yet now slightly menacing, the carefully cleaned and restored buildings gave way to the savage law of the forest beyond. The now-familiar sight of buildings lanced by branches and engulfed by foliage was only slightly obscured by the dark night, the torches carried by Mince, Kwame and Xi throwing up pools of light and making shadows dance in the gnarled web of bushes and branches lurking off the cracked path they trod.

 

”œYou gonna tell us what this foul-smellin' shite is for, then?”

[DarthBrendo]

Oh that's brilliant. Wampa-esque. Just enough description and hints to indicate great terror, but not enough so you know what it is. Like the original Wampa, this 'thing' sounds scary as hell.

[Jidai Geki]

Nobody could complain with being compared to Empire, Brendo. Appreciate the compliment.

 

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”œKeep moving! Bloody laggards”¦”

[Amidala Skywalker]

I'm not actually reading this (not my type of story), but I did want to pop in say thank you. Thank you for being so dedicated to updating, thank you for staying strong when you feel like you have only one reader, than you for your consistency.

 

You are the model of what a fanficcer is supposed to be. So thank you. You rock!

[DarthBrendo]

Just....wow. I'm actually glad it's daylight. That post would do well as a one shot horror / suspense piece on it's own.

 

This thing sounds like plant version of a Sarlaac...almost. Unlike a Sarlaac though this thing actually is scary as hell.

[Silas]

Masterfully done, Lee. I decided to see what all the fuss was about and I have to say that I'm surprised with the high quality work that you're pumping out. I copy and pasted all of your updates into a word document totaling 306 pages and right now I'm on page 78 (just got done with Locke and Browne making their contract), and its been a thrilling ride thus far.

 

The way that Cooper operates is a bit confusing to me, though I suspect that that was your intention. Locke is probably my favorite character thus far. He is the perfect hired killer, playing the part quite well. Jason, Pen and Ossus make an interesting trio, and Kwame is hilarious. Some much needed comic relief in what is a fairly dark tale. I am quite interested in learning more about Penelope and her background specifically, though the rest of the character's backgrounds appear just as promising.

 

I can't wait to continue reading. I'm hoping to be caught up sometime before the week is out. Excellently done, sir.

[Jidai Geki]

I'm flattered that you would plough through so much, Silas, and I'm really glad you're enjoying it. I'm surprised at how much you're enjoying it, actually. Gives me hope that it might be publishable, which is what I'm going to try for when it's finished.

 

I'll slow down on updates for a while, maybe update once a week. I'm kinda getting close to the end of where I've written up to, since Brendo consumes it so voraciously (), and I've not written a decent chunk in a while. I've got writer's block for this one particular part I'm up to.

[DarthBrendo]

Glad you decided to dive in Silas. This is top notch stuff.

 

Lee....I hope you get past it soon. I like my daily Locke fix

[Jidai Geki]

Well, when I say "near the end" of what I've written, I mean another 30k words. So it's not exactly a small amount.

 

It's been five days since I updated. Probably long enough.

 

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Jason threw another couple of sticks on the fire and clapped his hands together, rubbing them vigorously and then holding them near the hungry flames. Indulging once again in a habit he thought he would never break out of, he glanced around nervously to make sure that there were no marauding beasts waiting to tear his face off and pull his intestines out over a leisurely couple of hours.

 

”œHow long before we get to Portstown?”

[DarthBrendo]

The Blob eh? I've not heard that expressioon before.

 

Not really much to say on this one, except that Kwame cracks me up..and his interactions with Xi.

[Tiana Calthye]

I'm just going post by post here. You'll have to forgive the comments on the earlier parts of the story rather than on the now part of the story, but you do have a lot to get through.

 

 

Chapter one: It's entrancing, really. You pick words wonderfully, in a way that brings it all to life both visually and well, all the rest of the things that make stories tick... without being too wordy. Little descriptions like this.

 

His face hardened and Mr. Rathbone felt an almost imperceptible increase in the pressure of the other man’s grip.

 

You pick words wonderfully. The only thing that hit me is that you use adverbs a bit more than I prefer. And that's such a small critique, something that would really only matter if you were writing for publication. On the same note, if you were writing for publication I would've liked to see a bit more expansion on the world around them. Especially in the opening sequences with the main characters, I felt I ought to have a better view of things.

 

You bring the characters to life and where I feel it's empty is the world around them.

 

 

Chapter two: Dialogue is lively! I love your characters, but I do felt it was a bit too dialogue driven. Emdashes are longer than the short dash. I know some of the formatting glitchies are Microsoft Word bullshit.

 

What I particularly love are the character's names, which are nicely fitting to the sense of setting I have.

 

 

Chapter three:

 

The guide led them through the tortuous, squalid backstreets of the Thorpe’s east side, the alleys illuminated only by the faint glow of sputtering gaslights from the wider thoroughfare.

When I sulked in chapter one that there wasn't enough world building description, this is what I meant. PERFECT.

 

I can see it, and all you needed was one sentence to pull it off.

 

And just like I can see the world...

 

Sheldon was a short, swarthy man, his chinless face peering out from under a threadbare flatcap. His cheeks and, for want of a better word, jaw were spotted with patchy growths of what he no doubt thought of as a beard, and the half-mouth of teeth he sported were yellowed and rotting. He couldn’t have looked more untrustworthy had he been sporting fingerless gloves and an inside jacket full of knock-off watches, and indeed Penelope was surprised, not for the first time that night, that Jason and Ossus had actually agreed to let this man lead them into the Thorpe’s less reputable neighbourhoods.

I can see them.

 

The descriptions in chapter three are spot on. You pick your words well and craft visuals that bring this dark world to life. My favorite kind of world too. If this was published I'd latch onto it. So all that said, I'm sorry I didn't get into this before.

 

The only thing that bugged me about this chapter was the abrupt "and then he shot him in the head" ending, which seemed too chopped off of an ending. The dialogue entertained me though.

 

 

Chapter four:

 

I got a little lost in this one. The action was a bit too fast, and too dialogue driven. I have this problem with a lot of stories, though... I lose track of quick paced action. It wasn't as sharp as the previous chapters, but it moved the story forward, which was important, of course.

 

 

Chapter five: Nice and humanizing, as Brendo said in his review. I'm not quite feeling Pen, but it works. A bit too dialogue driven and if you were going for print, I'd recommend chopping it down in size because I don't feel it was really too necessary.

 

 

Chapter six: You're right back on the ball! Spot on descriptions, spot on dialogue, that world building snuck into little fragments of dialogue and little descriptions and characters that just OOZE character.

 

The opening description, the character back and forth... I had a good laugh over this.

 

“Yeah, some water,” grunted Joseph.

 

Locke didn’t move, standing stock-still and looking at them as if Joseph had never spoken.

 

“I mean, erm… would you like anything to drink, Miss?”

 

“Er… got any ale?” she asked, taking a cigarette from her purse, lighting it, and puffing a large cloud of filmy blue smoke over the table.

 

Locke sighed quietly and rolled his eyes, beginning to regret his choice of practice partner for the lad.

 

“And for sir?”

 

“Some water, please,” said the boy, his eyes fixated on the glowing tip of the whore’s cigarette.

 

“Very good, sir,” said Locke formally, pleased at the boy’s politeness.

 

The character contrast adds so very much to the world.

 

 

 

Chapter seven: Oh dear. Things are going down, aren't they.

 

 

 

Chapter eight: Again, nice descriptions! You've brought people to life here, and that really appeals to me. I think this bit of action worked a bit better. Well, it was less of action and more of a brief surrender with a bit of glaring and all, but I kept better track of it. The clean descriptions definitely moved it along.

 

Real winner of a line here.

 

“So, naturally, they stick bits o’ metal in their bodies? Christ, what’s wrong with a good old-fashioned gun?”

 

Hah!

 

I like it.

 

And it adds so much to the world too. This is a great example of show, don't tell--like I always preach at people. You've shown us the world and this character type, and here it us!

 

 

 

Well, technically this is chapter five now, but I'm just saying each post as a chapter. Works for me. I'll jump back in later. I want to give you some through comments as I work my way back through since I know you've got the short end of the stick when it comes to readership, and once I've caught back up with comments piece by piece I shall keep on reading. I'm loving what you've made with these characters and this world.

 

This is a story I would like to hold in my hands.

[Jidai Geki]

I appreciate the comments, and the fact that you've bothered to dive in on this, Tiana. I know how unappealing fics that are already 2/3 pages in can be, and the feedback was great.

 

A couple of points/clarifications:

 

The first part (second part posted) has been extensively rewritten to be much, much more descriptive (both in terms of characters and location) and build up more of a solid picture. I also added a short prologue which sets Jason up a bit more.

 

Emdashes are longer than the short dash. I know some of the formatting glitchies are Microsoft Word bullshit.

 

As someone who prides himself on spelling, grammar and punctuation, I'm actually completely embarrassed by this. I've never heard of an em-dash. Can't even see one on my keyboard.

 

The only thing that bugged me about this chapter was the abrupt "and then he shot him in the head" ending, which seemed too chopped off of an ending. The dialogue entertained me though.

 

That's not the actual ending of the portion, I just split it into two posts so as not to post an overlong section. I agree that ending things like that would have been very abrupt. I've actually rewritten that whole part too, to change Jason's character and demeanour considerably. You'll probably notice that he's a lot less cocksure and arrogant in later posts.

 

Chapter five: Nice and humanizing, as Brendo said in his review. I'm not quite feeling Pen, but it works. A bit too dialogue driven and if you were going for print, I'd recommend chopping it down in size because I don't feel it was really too necessary.

 

Having re-read it, it does come across as a bit stilted- a bit "LOOK PEN'S GOT ISSUES". I'll have to go back and either cut it or make it more subtle when I've finished.

 

I notice you seemed to enjoy the Cooper-Locke sections more than the Jason-centric ones, which seems to be a prevailing theme. It is certainly true that I enjoy writing Locke more than anyone else, and it's a bit weird because he was originally more of a supporting character, and much more sociopathic.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, and thanks for both the critique and the compliments. It will certainly help when I've finished and come to retouch certain sections.

[Travis]

As someone who prides himself on spelling, grammar and punctuation, I'm actually completely embarrassed by this. I've never heard of an em-dash. Can't even see one on my keyboard.

That is because there isn't one on a keyboard. They look like this ”” and are usually made by typing a normal dash on MS Word (it should automatically process an em dash). They are used when you want to make a dashed out statement””such as this one””in your sentence.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Em_dash#Em_dash

[Tiana Calthye]

As someone who prides himself on spelling, grammar and punctuation, I'm actually completely embarrassed by this. I've never heard of an em-dash. Can't even see one on my keyboard.

That is because there isn't one on a keyboard. They look like this ”” and are usually made by typing a normal dash on MS Word (it should automatically process an em dash). They are used when you want to make a dashed out statement””such as this one””in your sentence.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Em_dash#Em_dash

Specifically, by typing two dashes in Word, or by typing one dash with spaces around it. Or if you're feeling up for some excitement... alt code 0151.

 

If you look at that section of story you were using normal dashes to cut off sentences, where you ought to have used an emdash.

 

They're my favorite piece of somewhat obscure punctuation. I would say that it was less a case of you being a poor grammar nazi and just not knowing the correct typographical way of using what you already knew how to use.

 

Note that Word, if a sentence is ended with a dash and then a quote mark, will make the quote mark the wrong direction. You have to put a letter after the dash and then erase the letter to get the quote marks aiming the right way. More typographical nuances.

 

Let's see...

 

The first part rewritten, is that posted?

 

You're right, I just missed that that wasn't the proper ending of the chapter. Like I said, I was just judging each post as a chapter, since that was how you were choosing to present it.

 

It does come off as PEN'S GOT ISSUES, but you don't need to cut it so much as just work it down in size.

 

You're definitely right, I enjoyed the Cooper-Locke sections more. It comes off heavily that you enjoy writing him more, and also the way you weave those sections brings me to a sort of world that I enjoy indulging in. It appeals heavily to what I specifically love in fiction (both the character type and the building around these scenes) and therefore I find myself more drawn to them. It's just because that's what, if I was picking up a book, I would look for... it hits my 'eee, this is awesome' buttons all the right ways. There's a couple of those scenes I may look to for inspiration when I'm working on my second draft because the way you worked them out just WORKED for me and inspired me to get back on my writing.

 

You're welcome, anyway. I plan to keep working my way through, perhaps some more tonight or tomorrow since I have those days off. At any rate, I want to get through this. I love what I've read so far and thank you for being so dedicated in posting it.

[Jidai Geki]

Specifically, by typing two dashes in Word, or by typing one dash with spaces around it. Or if you're feeling up for some excitement... alt code 0151.

 

If you look at that section of story you were using normal dashes to cut off sentences, where you ought to have used an emdash.

 

I'll bear that in mind. Just gotta go back and correct 125k words' worth of story now.

 

The first part rewritten, is that posted?

 

It's not. By the time I rewrote it I was already well into posting, and it would just confuse things if I put that up.

 

Anyways, here's an update.

 

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They packed up the small makeshift camp early next morning, the sunlight filtering through the broad branches and dappling the earthy cobbles below, and continued their long trek through the heart of the Copse, all the while shooting tremulous glances back. Of Ferrer and his gang of thugs, there had been no sign. None of them dared suppose that he had fallen foul of whatever had claimed the boar- he was much too clever for that- but the possibility glimmered weakly in the back of their minds, especially those who had been terrorised by the madman the most.

 

Jason glanced over at Ossus, the old man once again clad in his long brown overcoat, his wide-brimmed hat hiding his eyes. An ugly yellow bruise faded slowly under the neat trim of his bearded cheek, and he was still as quiet as ever since Ferrer's attack.

 

”œHave you taken your medicine?”

Edited February 21, 2011 by Guest