DarthBrendo Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 That was beautiful. Very fitting, poignant, and I loved the touch of the whiskey shots at the end. Interesting that this fishing village is before-time. Clearly the before-time wasn't a worldwide event then. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Best served cold The Carpathia arrived at the northern island two days later, the large, permafrosted island looming out of the dark before them in the early morning. The southern tip scythed through the sea below them, tapering into a cold knifepoint at its southernmost extremity. One of the most fascinating things- and something which everybody had neglected to tell Jason- was that it was dark this far north. At this time of year, more or less winter now even in the more clement south of the Mire, it was always dark. The gloom of the polar night covered the sea and the land like a pall, lightened only by a faint tinge of rosy light on the horizon at midday. It was”¦ unsettling. When he had commented upon this to Ossus, the old man had simply given a shrug and continued to tamp his pipe. Of course Ossus already knew. Ossus seemed to know everything. The frost that had sprung up between Xi and Penelope- largely on Penelope's side- since Kwame's death seemed to have thawed on Penelope's side. Jason was no psychiatrist, but if he had to guess, he would have speculated that Xi's strangely moving eulogy had gone some way towards bridging the gap between the two women. Kwame was gone, and that was something they all had to deal with. But at least they weren't blaming each other for it anymore. If Jason blamed anyone, it was himself. But that was all right. He would make his peace with all the deaths on his conscience- or not- after he was finished with the First. ”œThere,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 The way you've painted the Prime Ministers office and himself reading the paper just makes me think of Winston Churchill. I really like this post, mysterious, intriguing, dark and the themes of war, traitor, murder and dissent among the parliamentarians is always going to be interesting. I gather this is a new part of the story arc> Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 Over a month(!) since I updated, and I'm afraid this one is a bit lacking in either characterisation or driving the story forward... ---------------------- ”œLook,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 I was thinking you'd reached the end of what you had written, and were writing more. I'm happy to wait that bit extra longer and read the polished stuff. You don't need to push through updates until you're ready for them to be put up. While I enjoyed this, you are right, it's not as tight as previous posts. The characters feel a bit shaky compared to their 'normal' selves, and it feels a bit like a filler post, a calm before the storm almost. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 ”œI'm simply saying, Prime Minister,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Very interesting addition here. Clearly there is a lot going on in the overall background in which the main characters are merely a small part of. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 Remember, however, that everything italicised took place in the past. All of this stuff with the Prime Minister has already taken place. ---------------------------- ”œTe quote Kwame,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tress Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 I like the way that they react to seeing the submersible. There was bewilderment, but you didn't describe it in a cheesy way like many authors seem to do. If I might ask about how far along in the total story are we? Please check this out! http://www.gofundme.com/1zix44 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted July 30, 2011 Author Share Posted July 30, 2011 There's perhaps another 10-15k to go. Almost at the end now. http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Very well handled with this one Lee. The confusion and disbelief about it is portrayed believably, and the description of the pool and sub is clear and conveys well what it looks like. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 The hand-cranked klaxons keened through the night air, drifting on the shouts of anger and terror and violence that suffused the city streets below. In the sky above, several shadows detached from the great sky-city and drifted slowly towards the great city. The Prime Minister looked up and watched the celestopolis, a cold sweat beading his brow as he clutched his wife. A million miles away, the wrought-iron fence at the end of the street was torn from its hinges under the weight of the angry mob. The two constables died, their rifles scalding in their hands, as the crowd engulfed them. ”œWilliam”¦” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Was this post in the previous version you posted? Because it feels familiar to me. You conveyed the fear and desperation of the Prime Minister and his wife very well, but didn't go over the top at all, if anything, you could maybe go a bit further if you wanted to emphasise it further. I forgot to acknowledge it in my last reply, but yes, I am aware the italics signify the past. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 This post was not in the previous version, actually, nor anything similar to it. I never detailed first-hand anything that happened in the Fall last time round. ------------------ The attack was too sudden, the knife too quick, for Jason to do anything but stand frozen as it bore down on his chest, Ossus too taken characteristically unawares by the sudden, unexpected attack. He got the drop on us he's won the bastard's won Jason thought frantically, and Penelope's hand slammed into the knife, driving it away from his chest. It scored his right bicep, drawing blood, and warm, distant pain coursed through him. He snapped out of his stupor long enough to pull his pistol, still as if in a daze, and he saw that the dirty-faced, barefoot youth wasn't the First at all, couldn't have been the First, though there was something eerily familiar about his face- The boy lashed out with a vicious kick, catching Penelope in the gut. She gave a surprised gasp, the blow driving her back, and she tumbled into the subzero waters surrounding the submersible. Ossus surged forward, his gants flaring, outstretched towards the boy, but his nimbleness took the old man by surprise for the second time that day, his graceful form flickering in the pell-mell shadows of their dowed torches as he twisted away and brought the knife up in a savage blow meant for the old man's chest. Penelope hit the water with a crash, her breath leaving her in a gasp as the freezing liquid numbed her in an instant, and her heart wrenched in her chest at the sudden, suffocating, frigid embrace of a cold unlike anything she had ever felt. A moment later the brackish, freezing water flooded her mouth, and she gagged before she could stop herself. Ossus dodged away from the blow and his gants flared again, and again, and again, but each time the infuriating youth had melted like shadow, always dancing tantalisingly out of reach. Jason reached the side of the pool and plunged his hand in as Penelope went under. His hand went instantly numb to the elbow, and he sensed, rather than felt, he had closed around her wrist. He pulled with all his strength, and her head broke the surface, her skin already worryingly pale. The youth pulled back and, sensing an opening, darted forward with his blade- And a cane connected soundly with the side of his head. He fell away, dazed and shocked, his head ringing and starbursts exploding in his vision. Ossus turned to face their latest assailant. ”œGo,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 Interesting. Not sure why it feels familiar then. Anyway, I was wondering when Locke would show up next, but I didn't see him and Cooper 'turning' on each other like this, at least, I hadn't expected it this early. I was expecting it more after they had killed Ossus and co. You've created the visuals for the fight well, and I think of Lindsey Bergman drowning in The Abyss when I read your description of Jason pulling Pen out of the water, and how you describe her skin and appearance. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 Pen, for the love of Eius come on-”œ ”œFor the love of God, keep moving-”œ Penelope drew in a wet, hoarse breath, her eyes wide and panicky, her skin still astonishingly pale from the brief contact with the water, and she stumbled. ”œShit, Ossus, I think there's something really wrong with her-”œ ”œLay her down, just for a moment-”œ Before either of them could move her eyes rolled up into her body and she spasmed, her body rebelling at the sudden, drastic drop in temperature and the freezing water that had, however briefly, violated the sanctity of her lungs. She crashed to the ground, falling against a damaged bulkhead, and her breaths became increasingly quick and shallow, her body thrashing as Jason tried to catch her limbs. ”œPen, Pen, come on get up-”œ She shuddered again, her breaths slowing now. Eleven seconds later, her heart stopped. -------------------------- The ornately carved, outlandish door shimmered as he reached for a handle that didn't exist, and abruptly vanished into the ether. He stared in confusion into the room beyond, a mild curse passing his whiskered lips. ”œWilliam? Is that you?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Pen is still reminding me of The Abyss at the moment, not necessarily a bad thing as it's a top movie. I like the sound of this Quick-Find tech in the books. Would be handy for any number of things. His wife makes an interesting point htough...what work could he have left now? Unless he's double-crossing Them maybe? Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 I've never seen the Abyss, actually, so I'm not sure of the reference. I presume a woman drowns or something? --------------------------------------------------- Cooper darted away again, furious and bewildered. Locke was good. Locke was really, really good. And he had managed to hide it for over a year. Locke lunged in, feinted, feinted again, and rapped the lad sharply on the elbow. Cooper's arm flooded with tingling numbness, and his knife clattered to the icy ground. Another blow took his left leg, and he fell heavily to one knee. ”œWhy”¦” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Yeah, she drowns in really cold water and they try to bring her back to life. I like the revelation for Cooper that Locke is a danger to him. His confusion, though simply presented, works nicely. His bewilderment at Locke's actions come across as genuine. I'm looking forward to reading the fight those two will have. Similarly, the reactions of Jason and Ossus when Pen come to are fantastic, the timing of it coinciding with the sub being (presumably) switched on providing a solid chuckle with Jason and Ossus screaming. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) [Accidental double-post, sorry] Edited August 11, 2011 by Guest http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 Apologies for the length here, but there was no real way of breaking it up. ------------------------------- Cooper brought the knife up in a smooth, stabbing motion, and was thwarted again as Locke danced back and smacked his knife arm away with a rap of his cane. ”œThis is insane,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I suspected as much about Cooper. We must be closer to the end then I had thought, because I had figured this to be fairly close to the end. Interesting that Cooper doesn't try to defend himself though. I suspect that something will change and he'll fight back, maybe. Now THIS I didn't see coming. Ossus wiped out Edenfield?? Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 It gets a bit twisty-turny now. I hope it's not too muddled to follow. ------------------------------ ”œI”¦ I don't think I can go on”¦” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I'm liking this buildup, it's tense and I'm looking forward to thinkgs coming full circle. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 And yet more twisty-turny bits. ------------------ Jason tore into the room, throwing the heavy steel door aside with some effort. It was marked ”˜surgery'. It had to be the place. The bastard had to be here- The room was largely and positively spacious compared to the rest of the submersible; the ceiling was some ten feet above him, and several large electrical lights were set into the riveted steel, bathing the room in harsh, sterile light. Before him was a large bank filled with blinking lights and valves, dominated by a huge viewing window above. Through the window, a figure was lying down on a table. A man with a crewcut and a threadbare, travel-soiled jacket stood over the figure, his overcoat thrown over a gurney to the side. In his hands he had some kind of welding or cutting device, hot sparks flying from the prone figure's face as he applied it. ”œGodsdamn you, STOP!” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Well played. Jason has absolutely no idea what's going on. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 (edited) The First stepped over the crumpled, shattered bodies carefully, assiduously avoiding looking any of them in the face. His mask, implacable as ever, stared forward at the lone figure sitting on the porch, smoking his pipe with detached calmness. ”œIt's done,” Edited August 14, 2011 by Guest http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Oh wow. I never saw that coming. Utterly brilliant. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 I'm on a writing roll at the minute, and REALLY near the end, so I'll keep pumping it out. ---------------------------- ”œIt's done,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 The interchange between Catherine and William then feels a little stilted, but I can't put my finger on why. You handled Jason well with this, giving a vivid image of what he was doing without being graphic about it. I'm a bit lost with Samuel though and his place in this...He's talking to the actual Ossus, is he The First then *slightly confused look*...have I completely missed something? Or just not put 2 and 2 together? Sorry, its tough keeping track of such a long novel in this format...a printed bound version will be much easier to keep track of things. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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