DarthBrendo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 "A macabre school outing." I really like this description. It lends some weight to the scene, and also adds some impact to the description of the kids being, well, kids; a sense of innocence ruined by Ferrer, tearing them away from childhood and thrusting them into adulthood before their time. The sequences we're reading now with Cooper and Locke are really interesting. Fleshing them both out more. For Cooper its like adding some finesse to a blunt blade. For Locke its the reverse. It's adding some weight and some bluntness to a well polished and skillful tongue. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks. I'm pleased with the development of every single character except Ferrer. I don't know how I'm going to rework him at the end, but he needs to resonate more. He just seems like an empty placeholder at the minute. ----------------------- First, a feeble spark The night raged on, and still they stumbled onwards. As the sun sank unseen below the horizon, the nightmare tangle of the Copse seemed to push in on them, every gnarled branch and weathered trunk seeming to grasp for them, and they tripped and staggered through the wilderness of broken stone and snarled vegetation, trying like hell to keep to what was left of the road. The night seemed to invigorate, rather than quiet, the mass of life all around them; in the mass of bushes, trees and cracked buildings surrounding them they could hear the sounds of nocturnal beasts stirring, some skittering from their clumsy progress, and others stealthily padding around them. Stalking them. Penelope broke first, as her body railed against the sudden withdrawal of its favourite opiate. Her skin already clammy and sweat-streaked, she stumbled on blindly, grasping Xi's slender shoulders with ungodly strength and closing her eyes against the fevered hallucinations her anguished brain threw up. ”œShe's not going to last much longer,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Well well. Kwame appears to have made the 'ultimate' sacrifice. I somehow have a sneaking suspicion though that Jason or maybe Xi will step up to the plate and save him. Good post though. These thigns sound like panthers with rabbit ears almost. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 ”œWe can't just leave him out there-”œ ”œFine. Go out there and die with him, then,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Great scene. I can imagine this playing out on the big screen. I'm going to guess Ferrer or his cohorts dropping form the ceiling. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Depending on the various levels of pessimism, religious dread and sense of existential self-worth present in each member of the group, the queer, chalky smell which greeted them upon awakening was either a sign of paradise, purgatory, Hell, or perhaps most frighteningly, still the Copse. The smell was so thick and heavy that it seemed to creep into the mouth and smother the tongue until nothing else could be tasted. It was the smell of vegetation gently stretching its way across the land, of chlorophyll lazily munching on pure sunlight and spewing out in its stead the heady, leafy aroma, as if that was sufficient recompense for greedily devouring the energy of the very sun. It was the smell of the carrion-eaters of civilisation going about their business, mindlessly overwhelming the bricks and mortar of a fallen race. It was the smell of organisms that used the dead to germinate and give succour to their voracious seedlings. It was the smell of the apocalypse's epitaph. It was, truth be told, a bit musty. ”œStinks in here, doesn't it?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I'm very intrigued now. Sounds like an elephant-man style character. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 ”œWhat are you doing?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I've had a number of drinks tonight so I'll have to read this tomorrow Lee. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Lol, posting to tell me you're not reading. Nice. http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Yeah. I started to read it then realised I wasn't actually reading it, just looking at it. This is really intriguing this section. The descriptions of the Copsers make me think of Elephant Man still. I'm curious to see where these characters go. THey just seem so...well..odd. Completely removed from the rest of the cast in terms of the appearance. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 ”œGood morning, class.” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I've been looking forward to reading abut the Fall and the Beforetimes, and more about who and what the First is. It really is very interesting, and I can only presume that this sequence will lead us to Pen in her cages. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 You know how I like to build mystery, Brendo... ----------------------------------- ”œDog, was it?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Oh geezus. I had to read that a couple of times to pick it up properly. But wow. That's intense, but entirely believable. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 ”œWell, between the old chap beaten halfway to death and your young self-mutilating lady in there,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Jason's change of attitude towards Pen has been an interesting thing to watch / read. Interesting that Ossus is more concerned about his Gants then the fact of where is and what's happened. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 I hope the dynamics between the different characters are coming across well, that's been one of the biggest worries- their not interacting well. ------------------------------- ”œYou ain't just gonna let these meat wander around town alone, are you?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 The dynamics re working really well. The only character who hasn't come off quite the way he could, as we've discussed, is Ferrer. This section is interesting. These Copsers intrigue me, the way you've described them, and the fact they live where they do, and appear to have some sort of tenuous relationship with who I can only guess is Ferrer is something I'm looking forward to playing out. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 That bit perhaps wasn't as clear as I would have liked- the people they're talking about are Jason and co. No Ferrer in the town. This next bit is a fairly short flashback. ----------------------- ”œI want to leave, Father.” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 This was a very intriguing post. Interesting dynamic between father and daughter here. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 ”œYour friends well?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Brilliant. Some pieces are finally starting to come together. It sounds like some sort of nuclear holocaust...changing DNA and causing the metamorphosis into what they are now. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 ”œI love this town.” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Interesting to see politics and economics in the midst of the copse. But It adds a good touch of harsh realism. Nicely done. I get the feeling there is more to this Pike then is first apparent though. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 ”œPull!” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 hehe I like this Jack character. Class, smarts, devious and a cheeky bugger as well. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 ”œThis is bang oota I am Grootin' order, Jack,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 A grandfather clock? hahaha that's just funny. I like it. Jack is a crafty old sod. Interesting though that even jack and his crew don't like to stay out of doors after dark. I'm not going to be online til Thursday now sorry mate, so I won't get to read the next piece til then. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 A quick note on this part- the italicised (flashback) part will definitely be rewritten, but I don't have time at the minute so I'll put it up as is. --------------------- ”œWhat annoys me, Mr. Johnson, is the flagrant profiteering,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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