Jump to content

Tell no Tales- rewrite (NSW, R (language), COMPLETE)


Jidai Geki

Recommended Posts

Masterfully done. Plenty of natural awkwardness, the bitterness on both sides played out and the ending showed remorse? regret? in his fathers eyes, and a hardening, yet at the same time, a pang of sorrow on the part of Locke himself.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, Silas, I hope you're not too pissed off I triple-updated without your replying...

 

---------------------

 

Locke opened the door as if in a trance, his features slack and his eyes dull as he walked back into the house. His dead lover's blood dried slowly on his shirt and frock coat, some smearing on the door as it creaked open.

 

His father was still standing there. In front of him, his mother gingerly examined the split knuckles on his hand. She glanced at him briefly, as if unsure of how to act, before turning back to her husband's hand.

 

”œYou'll understand in time, Elliot,”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I was totally right. I didn't want to say that I thought he was gay, but it all just seemed to fit. I knew that I was either right or completely and utterly wrong.

 

Elliot's father's reaction to meeting his son again was quite unexpected. The fact that he still called Elliot his son, and even threatened to cut out a man's tongue for speaking ill of him, is strange. It makes me think that he's fighting his bigotry inside and that he'll play a bigger part in the ending of this book, probably coming to Elliot's rescue at some point.

 

Elliot's mother has me confused. Her anger didn't seem to fit with the character, but it still makes sense and I'm curious as to where you're taking it. I'm actually wondering if she hasn't died and its just not been revealed to us yet. It would be an interesting twist, though I'm sure whatever you have done with it will be just as, if not more, brilliant.

 

I'm expectantly awaiting the confrontation between Locke and Cooper. You've set it up to be quite the read and I'm kind of getting antsy about it. I'm not sure as to Locke's plan yet, but it promises to be jaw-dropping. I'm actually wondering if these two will end up together without a confrontation and live happily ever after. Could make for an interesting plot twist, though I'm not sure that that's what you're intending.

silassig-1.jpg

Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was totally right. I didn't want to say that I thought he was gay, but it all just seemed to fit. I knew that I was either right or completely and utterly wrong.

 

That's awesome. I've tried, much like any other twist development, to hint at it throughout subtly, and I'm glad you picked up on it.

 

Elliot's father's reaction to meeting his son again was quite unexpected. The fact that he still called Elliot his son, and even threatened to cut out a man's tongue for speaking ill of him, is strange. It makes me think that he's fighting his bigotry inside and that he'll play a bigger part in the ending of this book, probably coming to Elliot's rescue at some point.

 

Locke's thoughts on this a little later will probably shed some light on his father. I wanted to make him a really conflicted character. In many respects he's just as miserable as Locke about the expectations society places on 'gentlemen'.

 

Elliot's mother has me confused. Her anger didn't seem to fit with the character, but it still makes sense and I'm curious as to where you're taking it. I'm actually wondering if she hasn't died and its just not been revealed to us yet. It would be an interesting twist, though I'm sure whatever you have done with it will be just as, if not more, brilliant.

 

Did I originally say she was dead? There are a few continuity errors as a result of the storyline evolving, and when I go back I'm going to have to iron them out. As for her reaction, it's once again this dichotomy of personal desire and societal duty. She's miserable. She hates her life. But she also has a duty, and her son trying to kill her husband effectively means that she's cutting him off. The revelation that he is gay has also disgusted her, hence her reaction.

 

I'm expectantly awaiting the confrontation between Locke and Cooper. You've set it up to be quite the read and I'm kind of getting antsy about it. I'm not sure as to Locke's plan yet, but it promises to be jaw-dropping. I'm actually wondering if these two will end up together without a confrontation and live happily ever after. Could make for an interesting plot twist, though I'm not sure that that's what you're intending.

 

Good! Although I think you expect too much of me. The showdown will not be happening for a while- it takes place right at the end of the book- but I don't know how you'll react to it. I do promise more revelations and surprises as we go, though.

 

I apologise in advance for the length of this section, but I don't want to dilute the impact here. This single passage is absolutely crucial to the overarching storyline regarding Locke, and I'm nervous about whether it comes off or not. It is long, but I hope there's enough going on here to make it a breezy read.

 

---------------------------------

 

”œDo we have to go to this, Mr. Locke?”

Edited by Guest

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ummmmm...wow. That was incredibly powerful and too long in coming. I'm glad that Locke finally threw caution to the wind and told these people what needed to be said. It fits in his character perfectly. I would have liked to see a little more of Cooper in this section, though given the weight of what has just transpired it makes sense that you didn't throw him in as comic relief. I'm curious as to what Locke's next step is, as he's effectively cut himself off from the high society that he's used to.

 

I know that in the past that you've asked me to point out little things, so here are the ones I caught during my reading:

 

”œThank you,”

silassig-1.jpg

Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow. I made a lot of mistakes in this part. I wrote this when I was back in England during my five-hundred-words-per-minute phase, so I obviously didn't look things over very carefully. The only thing that isn't a mistake is "the sun never set" line, which is supposed to be past simple.

 

As for Locke's mother, I honestly can't remember if I wrote she was dead now earlier on in the story, when Locke met Mayor Browne. I'll have to go back and check.

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That was magnificent. Like Silas, I'm glad to see Locke speak his mind. I did like the touch though where you had that Cooper had the sense to be embarrassed. Nicely worked in.

 

This has definitely been coming for a long while. Looking forward to seeing where it goes from here.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Locke ordered two ale, a bottle of clear moonshine and two shot glasses, slumping into the chair opposite Cooper and glowering at his drinks. He promptly uncorked the moonshine and sloshed it into the glasses.

 

”œHere,”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

haha oh Kwame how you crack me up.

 

"It's Bastard expensive" as a 'softer' alternative to the other made me laugh. His complete indignation was very well written too.

 

Do continue

Edited by Guest

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On the other side of the city, at the sprawling docks, an airship lowered itself ponderously towards the mooring post, the groaning behemoth's large crimson balloon scuffed and dirty after its long voyage. Several fishermen and dockworkers stopped to watch: the reintroduction of dirigibles was still something of a recent occurrence in the Mire, and hence still a novelty.

 

The mooring rope was lowered down slowly, caught by the crew waiting below, and tethered onto the latticed post. The ship secure, she descended to the smooth dock surface below with gentle and painstaking care. Dirigible disasters were not unknown, and indeed renowned for the resultant spectacular conflagrations and high body counts. Many affluent nobles and merchants who could afford the expensive flights had indeed sworn off them after learning of such disasters, before remembering it was still, in all probability, preferable to being gutted and eaten by the foul denizens of the Mire.

 

On the balloon's belly, like some aquatic parasite clinging to the underside of a huge predatory shark, hung a gondola. Dwarfed in size by the three-hundred-metre balloon, the gondola served as the bridge and the disembarkment point for all passengers. Housed above this, within the yawning interior of the balloon, nestled the passenger cabins- cosy, well-furnished rooms laid out like hotel suites, all warm velvets and gleaming brass.

 

The gondola's spiny metallic legs clicked gently against the smooth dock below, and several more workers scurried forward like fleas on a rat to anchor the aft of the dirigible firmly to the ground.

 

Eventually, when everyone was reasonably sure nothing was going to violently explode, the captain gave the word for the landing ramp to be lowered. The long white ramp was thrown from the gondola, unfolding from itself and gently striking the concrete below.

 

A few moments later passengers began filing out, largely consisting of well-to-do merchants and nobles in their finery, flanked by grunting teams of porters and attendants straining under the weight of valises, suitcases and portmanteaux replete with the dozens of articles of clothing clearly necessary for a week-long trip to a well-developed city.

 

One of the nobles in particular, a man carefully dressed in the latest Portstown fashion- slightly lower-than-the-norm collar, thin gold cravat, dark morning coat and sharply creased black trousers- seemed particularly flustered, his thin, handsome face flushed and his impeccably kept brown moustache quivering as he surveyed the docks, his nose wrinkling with distaste at the heady smell of sea salt.

 

”œYou sure she'll be here, sor?”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like the descriptions of the dirigibles. It gave it a proper 1930s feel about the particular scene.

 

Something about the flashback felt off though. I can't quite put my finger on it...could be just that it felt rather short compared to previous sections and flashbacks? I'm not sure sorry.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A bit of light relief fits in well after the heavy nature of the last few posts. This one is vital too, as we've not seen these characters for a while. This brings them back into the readers mind and serves to remind what they're all like in their temperament after a break from the story.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There's a fair bit of light relief in this whole section. Portstown, for this lot, serves as a bit of a 'breather' after everything that's happened.

 

--------------------

 

”œAnd then he actually tried to get it out!”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You captured the wonder of people seeing the ocean for the first time well. Growing up 4 hours inland, i can relate to that sensation of amazement well. And Jason has some more education then first appearance would let you think. Interesting.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ten or so miles away, in the choked, crowded hive of slums and pubs known locally as ”˜the Rookery', dark men were afoot doing dark deeds.

 

The Rookery was where Portstown's honest, hardworking citizens had the distinct misfortune to live alongside the more rakish, villainous elements of the city. The primary reason for this was that those who actually put in a decent day's work were also those who worked in those industries considered ”˜unsavoury'- the butchers, tanners, fishermen, manual labourers, cooks, waiters, and cleaners who were considered even lower than common engineers and factory workers. At least they didn't sully their hands with the filth of the natural world without.

 

The district, about five miles from its easternmost point to west and ten miles north to south, cut across the east side of Portstown like a rust-addled dagger plunged into the side of the affluent city. Its buildings were largely reclaimed Beforetime terraces (another reason for the nobles and merchants to sniff at it, grim reminder of the ill-begotten past that it was) and close, narrow alleys snaked through it liked poisoned veins, piled up with refuse and- heavens forfend!- rodents of some description. It was so bad that they had walled off the whole area, to prevent whatever disease-carrying vermin within from escaping.

 

The tortuous alleys and backstreets, dank and gloomy as they were, afforded the less law-abiding denizens of the Rookery ample opportunity to ply their trade. Cut-purses, muggers, child pickpockets and streetwalkers all found cause to stalk the twisting back-alleys before and after dark, their trades sometimes overlapping as opportunity provided or expedience warranted.

 

Despite the inherent dangers of the Rookery to the less streetwise- or perhaps, indeed, because of them- a small clique of adventure-seeking young nobles and merchants' sons had found the excitement and thrills forbidden them by venturing outside of the city, and had taken to visiting the dingy bars that lined the Rookery's larger thoroughfares, rubbing elbows with hoi polloi and leaving behind the repressive and strict social mores of the uptight restaurants and taverns of places like the Gables or the city centre. Even the docks, replete with salty bars, gruff seafarers and loose women as they were, couldn't possibly afford the level of forbidden thrills that the Rookery could.

 

Clearly, there was a natural economic corollary to an influx of affluent young men and women with money to burn and a hankering for ”˜common' ales and spirits, and that corollary was less affluent young men stalking them as Mirewolves might stalk musk voles, awaiting their moment before stepping in and relieving them of the burden of too much money and not enough common sense.

 

The street gangs that operated the Rookery were usually careful to leave their victims alive- nobody needed the Constabulary tearing the district apart and shining lights in places best left dark- and the slightly bloodied, slightly mussed victims learnt a valuable lesson about getting drunk in a poverty-ridden, crime-rife area before stumbling about unfamiliar back alleys at two in the morning. It was a lesson most of them learnt quickly, and well- some of them were even brave (or foolhardy) enough to return, albeit with a touch more caution.

 

It was one such brave (or foolhardy) young nobleman who, despite having been mugged on a visit previous to the Rookery, elected to return with the utterly ravishing daughter of an import/export merchant who dealt with the savages on the mainland to the south. He hadn't been back in an age, but the gel was quite simply a complete delight, a peach of a girl with rosy cheeks, pretty blue eyes and a delectable rump that he could quite cheerfully see his hands all over later in the evening, circumstances providing.

 

It is perhaps understandable, then, that when said young man exited the swarthy bar in which they were drinking, young companion in tow, that he had things on his mind other than the ill-advisedness of stumbling into an alley that served as a shortcut of sorts back to one of the huge gates that led into the Rookery.

 

The two of them, arms linked and drunken guffaws issuing sporadically, stumbled with the gracelessness of the intoxicated, surviving several near-collisions with piles of unspeakable filth on either side of the alley.

”œOh, Cecil, it's revolting down here!”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

'delectable rump' makes me chuckle. It's such a great phrase, innocent yet saucy and it describes to each reader exactly what Sarah looks like from behind.

 

I do like the idea of the 'heroic villain' in this this section. I'm interested to know though where this piece slots into the rest of the story.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

thunderpie.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, looks like Silas isn't inclined towards reading anymore, so I'll just plug on with the updates.

 

I think you'll kick yourself when you realise who the chap was in the last update, by the way.

 

-------------------------------

 

Pen saw a ghost as they left the shop.

 

She and Jason had been walking around in the commercial district near the huge Palace District, the walled, heavily guarded area to the east of the city where the King (of the entire Mire in theory; in practice, this was not quite the case) resided. Given its proximity to such a regal, majestic area, the shops were amongst the most exclusive and expensive in the city. Given they were the most exclusive and exclusive retail establishments in the city, it was perhaps somewhat inevitable that they had run into problems.

 

Most of the assistants of the shops they had gone into- bedecked with precious stones and fine, handmade garments of the rarest fabrics- had merely sniffed at them in a passive-aggressive manner and closely monitored the two unkempt, insolent urchins that had had the gall to wander in off the street and peruse their fine wares.

 

Eventually one emaciated, haughty woman had approached them.

 

”œMay I help you?”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hee, the relationships and interactions between your characters make me laugh. You always inject so much character into them. I admit I occasionally drop by and read an update... I haven't caught myself up yet and sooner or later you'll get another spamily long review of all the stuff I just read... but your last update was amusing and even on its own like that, I appreciated the characterizations and life you brought to their dialogue.

spsig.jpg

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your conversations are brilliant. Well done sir, it is very enthralling, and the characters are extremely well done. Jason's style of talking is very pleasant to read, the accent comes right off the page.

 

And the conversation between Jason and Ferrer was great, perfect use of language here and there. I could really feel the tension.

 

delta.png.07cab12ec6078bf5996b620866fba993.png

Ca'Aran

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...