DarthBrendo Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I'm on mypod so I can't quote it but you've missed a quotation mark in your explanation of pike. I love the description of the towers. Sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings; something from Osgiliath perhaps. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Corrected that, thanks. ---------------- ”œGood job, Timothy,” Edited February 24, 2011 by Guest http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Hahaha oh man, you're not makingit easy for anyone. I do feel that the cup plants seemed a bit easy for Ferrer to defeat and consequently rescue the boys, though I do understand the need to keep the story moving. That section isn't as solid as the rest of the story has been thus far. The appearance of the feral youth feels a bit deus ex machina at this point, though that of course is said without knowing what comes next. Does the feral more Of a role? Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 When you figure out who the 'feral boy' is, you'll see it's not a deus ex machina. And yes, I feel I could have handled Ferrer's escape better, perhaps, but my concern here was keeping the pressure on the group. EDIT- yeah, definitely gonna rewrite the part about Ferrer escaping. It doesn't do justice to the previous parts featuring the cup-plants. http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Fair enough. Looking forward to reading more then. And yes, I do believe that the previous post with the cup plants was that they were terrifying, And truly scary. This latest section just mAde them seem like little cats. I also don't think it did justice to Ferrer. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Long section here, but it's all action so I didn't really wanna break it up. ----------------------- ”œGods curse you, boy”¦” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Magnificent. This was more like Ferrer. Ferrer vs Locke in a cage match would be interesting too. I enjoyed the details in this fight, the way you describe Locke's attack on Ferrer, and Coopers logic behind instigating the interference was very olds school. I liked it. I very much enjoyed the visual of Monce taking out Ferrers knee. Some superb marksmanship. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I'm catching up! I'm currently on Pg. 244 of 322 (the group is talking to the crazy plant people after Pike was stopped from executing them). There have been a few more frequent grammatical errors but they really don't detract from the story because you still get your point across completely. I'll keep this short and say that I'm loving everything you're pumping out and can't wait to get caught up! Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Grammatical errors? If you catch those please let me know. I'm usually quite good at not making errors, but with such a large volume it's inevitable. http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Perhaps "grammatical errors" wasn't the correct term. Its more of a little word like "of" or "the" missing in the middle of a sentence. Sadly, I just go through and change it in my word document so I couldn't tell you where they were. If I come across any more as I finish catching up I'll let you know where. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 ”œThey're too close”¦” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) This flowed really well Lee. I like the realization of the pig eyed boy and the simple "gotcha" by Mince. Nicely done. Edited March 17, 2011 by Guest Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Book III The sun never sets A gentleman's place Lord Addergoole Sott couldn't have chosen a more luxurious setting for his fortieth birthday party, at least. The ballroom was easily the largest in Portstown, its vaulted ceilings reaching a good hundred feet from the highly polished hardwood floor at its apex. Suspended from a cable thicker than the trunk of a centuries-old oak was the biggest chandelier, the owners boasted, in the entire Mire, thick with multifaceted crystal snowdrops that twinkled gently in the electric light of the faux candles nestled amongst them. Apparently, the chandelier weighed in the vicinity of two tonnes, which was less impressive in arousing feelings of awe than it was in arousing feelings of extreme trepidation at standing anywhere near the place where, say, a two-tonne chandelier might happen to smear revellers into a thick paste should it fall. The creamy walls, bereft of even a hint of flaking or scuffing, were covered in huge, painstakingly restored Beforetime portraits of grim, pompous noblemen and women, the men sporting impressively cultivated whiskers and the women trying their best, seemingly, to keep from their faces the feelings inspired by having tightly wound whalebone pushing one's breasts up and chafing one's internal organs. At the periphery of the gleaming ballroom floor waited a battalion of resplendently dressed servants, their white jackets positively glowing under the soft lights, the right hand of each one clad in a white glove and splayed under a heavy silver serving tray laden with expensive alcoholic beverages. Master Locke stifled a yawn against the starched cuff of his dress shirt, the high collar chafing against his neck and legitimately threatening to lop an ear off should he happen to turn his head too fast. Whilst terribly impressed by the chandelier and the portraits and all those awfully fancy aperitifs, he couldn't help but feel bored and oppressed by the stifling and absurdly complex system of rules, regulations and etiquette that dictated behaviour at high society events such as this. Lord Sott was one of the more prominent members of the Portstown nobility, his name renowned far and wide across the entire Mire and even north in the sprawling walled metropolis of Petat- renowned, at least, by those with the requisite amount of old money and fine breeding to have heard of him. Even the nouveau riche- filthy, low-born merchants and moneylenders, for the most part- knew who he was, and catered to him. A cousin of His Majesty, Lord Sott enjoyed prestige and awe generally accorded to those who could lay claim to divine parentage. In Portstown such people were in short supply, and so it fell to the aristocracy to reluctantly assume their burden in being the closest thing to Godhood that the town had. Of course, it was only natural that a first cousin of the King would settle for nothing less than the finest establishment in Portstown to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of his birth, and it was only right that half the Copse be slaughtered, butchered and dressed in order to satiate and impress the legion of nobility, sycophants and hangers-on that inevitably gravitated towards such an important social event. ”œEnjoying yourself, Elliot?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Wow. I grimaced at the awkwardness between father and son, and laughed at the sheer deliberateness with which Locke 'embarrassed' himself and his family. Masterfully done. I really do enjoy Locke as a character. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks. I think this whole bit- "A gentleman's place"- is my absolute favourite standalone part of the story. Since it's been a while since I updated, I'm just gonna go ahead and update again. --------------------------- ”œName, please, sor?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Well, I'm finally all caught up and I have to say that I'm very impressed, Lee. This story has everything that a good story should and its been a hell of a read. I'm finding myself very attached to these characters, which is rare in stories that I read online. I don't really have much to say as I've covered a lot of material in a short time, so I'll leave it at "well done"! I'm excited for the next update! Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Locke is clearly comfortable making those below his station feel very awkward around him. Or anyone really. It's almost like hes playing everyone around him on puppet strings for his own amusement. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Update storm! ---------------------- ”œYe- you were a bit rude to them men, weren't you, Mr. Locke?” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 Your descriptions are amazing sir. They're so elegant yet simple in a classy way. I loved the beginning of this update because of that. Locke is quickly becoming a different character. He seems frustrated, which makes sense due to the fact that he's just come out of the Mire. I interested in where you take both him and Ferrar. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Echoing what Silas said, the frustration that Locke feels is coming through nicely. I suspect we will see a more... illustrious? role for Cooper though soon enough. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 ”œThis really is becoming too much, Elliot!” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I don't quite know how to type my vocal response to this chapter. "Phwoar" is about as close as I can get. Just utterly brutal. Brilliant presentation of a drunken father who expects a certain path in life from his son. Great emotion in this post, and the I really liked the touch of Locke's immediate regret at his words to his mother, and the last line She didn't flinch as the door slammed this time. The first tear coursed down her cheek instead, and she cried for her son and for herself has immense 'oomph' power. I feel sorry for her. Bravo. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Just utterly brutal. Brilliant... QFT. This was a very powerful and vicious update. You wrote the parts beautifully, nailing the drunken father/drunken son debacle perfectly. This update just exudes raw emotion and it was an excellent read. I'm beginning to think that we're going to see something very drastic revealed about Locke, but I don't want to reveal my suspicions for fear of being very, very wrong. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 22, 2011 Author Share Posted March 22, 2011 I'm really glad that you both enjoyed that part so much. I'm glad to have nailed this Locke situation, as this part is perhaps the most crucial in the whole book to his character. ------------------------------------- The grave, a plain wooden affair, was long devoid of the markings which indicated who lay there. It didn't matter to Locke; the location of that grave was seared into his consciousness, haunted his dreams, and would remain there until his dying day. The graveyard was located in one of Portstown many unacknowledged slums, the buildings close and narrow and the streets filthy. Even here, however, people took some pride; the yard was devoid of even the smallest shoot or weed, the caretaker diligently patrolling the soil daily and ensuring that the cloying vegetation of without didn't gain a foothold here. Locke took the small path around as far as he could and then stepped off, the coarse soil crunching under his boots as he approached the grave. As he stood in front of it, he experienced the same curious sense of dislocation he always did, some part of his mind still refusing to register what was plain. Still dead. Still murdered by the boy he called his partner. Still gone, forever. ”œHello, Sam,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 And thus we go from brutal anger and hatred, to incredibly tender and caring feelings, a softness in his character that is palpable. Every time I think I've read the best chapter yet, you crank it up a notch. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Indeed, this was a very well written chapter. I'm glad to see some more of Locke and his softer side. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 (edited) Bit of a long one here, but the second one is short and ends on a cliffhanger. I didn't want to post that alone. ------------------------- Elliot stormed out of the house, trying his damndest to make sure he cracked the frame as he slammed the door as hard as he could, and ran a hand through his hair, exhaling deeply. The arguments were getting worse. Sometimes he thought his father might actually just go the whole hog and turf him out, or actually kill him. The resentful, burning intensity in his eyes grew now with every passing day, furious at his son's intractability. Deep down Elliot knew that it pained his father deeply that he refused to marry, that it was the talk of the nobility and made the other nobles think of Elliot, and thus by extension his father, as rather queer. In the understated tones of the nobility, calling someone ”˜rather queer' was close to outright contempt. It was because of this that Elliot could almost understand his father's aggrieved attitude, and his increasingly severe outbursts towards him. Almost. ”œRichards,” Edited March 23, 2011 by Guest http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Oooh very nice. This can only end well. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 I'll echo Brendo's sentiments and say that I can't wait to see where this goes. I'm a bit curious as to why Elliot's father would be there but I'm sure it will all be explained as we go along. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Locke's meeting with his father is really just a chance occurrence, since he lives in this town. And now for the big reveal... I'm curious to see if you were right or not in your suspicions, Silas. ------------------------------------ Elliot closed the door behind him gently, his face rose-tinted with the flush of alcohol and his spirits high. It had been a good night; plenty of carousing and making merry and dancing with solid, unpretentious, ignoble people- and all that remained was to make it to his chambers without rousing either of his parents. It would spoil an otherwise perfect evening. He almost didn't see his father until he was upon him, the old man sitting quietly in an aged oak armchair wreathed in shadow under one of the two curving staircases. ”œFather,” http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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