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Tell no Tales- rewrite (NSW, R (language), COMPLETE)


Jidai Geki
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[edited for spoilerific reasons]

 

------------------------------------

 

 

Locke looked into the boy's ruined face, his vision dark with rage, his breaths ragged and irregular in his chest. The boy knelt, the knife already drawing blood from his dirty throat, tears staining his face now.

 

Cooper- Joseph- no-

 

No witnesses-

 

He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs away, trying to focus and finish the whole damnable affair. Behind his eyes, a thousand moments flashed through his mind.

 

Your old man don't approve of nothin'-

 

You filthy, cursed, disgusting little sodomite

 

No witnesses-

 

Now that little fairy's out of the picture”¦

 

”¦for the best”¦

 

Never did have much in the way of a family.

 

Locke hesitated, his hand wavering as he looked at the boy.

 

”œDid he beg?”

Edited by Guest

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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That's what I thought I was reading. Where does Samuel Collins fit into it? I'd gathered that "The First" was William/the PM/Father. Is Samuel a random scientist?

 

---

 

And wow. Locke has totally lost it. I kind of feel sorry for Cooper now, he is, after all, just a child. But, I can understand Locke's wrath. You've ridden the line of being to graphic here very very well.

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Ah, I get you. In that case, I'm not surprised you missed this since Jason and co. talked about it ages ago, but Sam Callan is the head of the Society of Prometheus. Ossus revealed that he was travelling with and abetting the First. But, as I say, this was WAY back.

 

---------------------------------

 

 

The First finished his halting, blood-streaked story: his research into Edenfield; his determination to use the bioalchemists' final solution against the self-professed gods; his betrayal of Ossus and the usurpation of his identity; the manipulation of Jason, slowly preparing him for a war of vengeance on the Pantheon.

 

”œJason, think about this, it makes no sense-”œ pleaded Penelope.

 

”œShut up,”

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Ah ok. As I said...this particular format is not as good as published novels for novels of this length in terms of keeping track of characters, especially relatively minor ones.

 

I thought things would go the other way. Jason would relent, and Locke would kill, but I think in terms of character development and the overall arc, that this is more harmonious....if shooting someone in the face can be harmonious.

 

Both scenes handled very though, especially Lockes change of heart. Very fitting.

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I have to admit, this felt kind of anti-climactic. I know the climax was in the last section, and I suspect in published form it wouldn't be an issue, but in this format, it feels like a really sudden change in tempo.

 

That said, I'm enjoying seeing Pen show some strength again.

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Well, it's not quite over, and when I've finished- which should be after another five thousand words or so- I'll elaborate on my reasons for an ending like this, which is VERY different to the original (which was an epic battle and, frankly, very contrived). I have my reasons for an ending which may seem anti-climactic.

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Infinite Egress

 

 

The Carpathia pulled them from the bathysphere some two hours later, the sturdy, heavy metal sphere bobbing gently on the surface of the calm arctic waters.

 

Their flight through the flooding submersible had been a terrifying, tortuous one, the ever-present threat of the rushing seawater bursting through the sealed compartments and crushing them in its freezing embrace. Only Callan and his knowledge of the bizarre evacuation capsules had kept them alive, and only that knowledge had kept him from Jason's bullets. The youth was unnerving in the wake of the First's death, his face dark and stony, and Penelope almost felt like abandoning him to drown in the claustrophobic vessel, if only so that she didn't have to look into those hollow eyes again.

 

”œJason- what the hell happened?”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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Epilogue

 

The youth's footfalls echoed in the close alley, the rats skittering behind their piles of refuse and watching with glittering eyes as he walked past.

He turned up his collar against the winter cold, his breath a jet of steam from within the shadow between flatcap and collar, and rubbed his hands together vigorously, blowing into them to heat them a little.

 

”œEvenin', Squire,”

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1078584.gif

 

"I say old chap, bravo!"

 

Congratulations Lee. Get this published and I will buy it as soon as I can. One of the most enjoyable novels I've read in quite some time. Amazing characters development, interactions, relationships, plots twists, with believable back-story that isn't ever boring/ I can't say enough how much I enjoyed this.

 

The epilogue was also a nice rounding conclusion.

 

The first section...'the youth' was Cooper I'm guessing?

 

And the return of 'Daddy' home to Zachary and then Zachary finding his father later on....a beautiful final touch.

 

The only other thing I might suggest is to go back to the first page and put chapters 1 and 2 in order, so as not to confuse new readers in the future.

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The youth indeed was Cooper, yes.

 

Now that it's all finished, barring a bit of touching up and a rewrite of the 'too much like Titanic' sinking of the Scylla, I'm trying to self-publish this on Amazon. I've spent the last week or so proofreading, formatting and changing a couple of things (I have a list of plot points and sections that need changing, like Ferrer's escape from the plants).

 

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about the whole thing:

 

1. What did you think about each character's arc? Were they believable? What did you think of where the characters ended up as opposed to how they started?

 

2. Do you think the 'world' around the characters was developed enough? Were the cities and the Mire built up in a convincing way?

 

3. Is there anything you'd drop, were this your story?

 

With regards to the ending: in the original, first draft, there was a huge battle between Prometheans and Theists on an island as they both tried to reclaim Beforetime technology. It was supposed to be epic and awesome and, well, what I thought at the time the ending to a story was supposed to be. But, as I rewrote this time and time again, I realised that it was completely superfluous and out of left field. I didn't need an epic battle to bring the emotional heart of the story to a climax, and that emotional heart is what happens between the First and Jason.

 

I actually completely changed that aspect, too. In the first draft, Jason had a traditional battle with the First and blinded him in one eye, after which the First escaped. I thought long and hard about what I wanted from this ending, and in the end I took the advice a colleague once gave me: 'make a debut book self-contained'. The First getting away leaves things too open. As things are, they're still somewhat open, but there's more closure this way.

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In regards to question 1, my first instinct is they were believable and felt complete, but I'd like to go back through and re read some of the earlier chapters before I say that for sure...give a more considered response.

 

Question 2 - You know me..always like more details and background. That said, I do believe that most readers would be more then satisfied with the world you've built, as there is fantastic detail. But I'll keep that in mind while I look back through for Question 1.

 

Q3 - Gut feel is no. I would have said something whilst reading the story if I felt it was out of place. There were a number of instances where various transitions lacked, but that was, as we've discussed at length, due to the nature of reading it on a forum as opposed to in an actual novel.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So coming back to you now I've had a chance to go back through and re-read a few sections.

 

Yes, the character arcs are quite believable, and I think very well rounded. They're actually, I think, better written, more believable and honest character arcs then many published novels I've written, up on the scale of characters who develop over a sage of 2 or 3 books such as Wilbur Smiths' "Courtney" family, the two main characters are developed over, I think five, quite lengthy books.

 

Question two...same answer...I'm always a fan of more detail, and you know that, but most readers I think would be more then happy with the level of detail. There's no point in the story where you can't visualise the surrounds, which is good.

 

Three...I wouldn't drop it, but more instances of the PM / Beforetime etc plot thread to keep it in the back of a readers mind and so the reader doesn't get confused about where it fits in the second time that thread appeared in the story, which is a reasonable distance from the first. I don't know if you'd want to expand it out more, or how you might choose to work it, but that's the only other thing I would suggest to improve the flow.

 

I am glad you dropped the final battle you mentioned. You're dead right. It's unnecessary and I think would have taken away a lot of the impact of the climax of the novel. And in regards to your other point about your initial drafts, and the First getting away, I'm glad you didn't go down that road. It would have left the reader without closure, unless you wrote a follow up novel, but I don't know how you could make it work, and potentially, to leave such a big plot open, without plans to write a proper follow on novel, would turn some readers of your work in the future.

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I notice that this appears to be complete at last. I have a request for you. For a long time, I have been wanting to read this, but have waited for it to be finished and really don't want to wade through page after page of scattered posts and comments. Is it possible that you could create a new topic and lump all the parts together (as much as the character limit would allow) in a few posts with nothing in between? You could then lock it up or whatever and make this the comments topic for it. That will make it tons easier for myself (and anyone else) to read it in one sitting instead of constantly having the flow of the story broken up by having to find the next actual post and breaking up the mood.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well, for the lion's share of the story it's only been Brendo commenting, so it would simply be a case of reading, skipping Brendo's post, and continuing on. Due to the sheer volume of the novel it would be quite cumbersome and trial-and-error to lump it all together in as few posts as possible, and that's without mentioning possible formatting hiccups.

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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  • 6 months later...

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