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Tell no Tales- rewrite (NSW, R (language), COMPLETE)


Jidai Geki
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Cooper still hadn't completely taken to Locke's instruction; the urge to throw away the fancy, pretentious cutlery and dig in with his hands was flagrantly obvious to the older man, but it was with some pride he saw that the boy fought the urge and eat as any civilised young man ought to.

 

Somethign about this paragraph doesn't feel right...something in the structure of it.

 

Cooper still hadn't completely taken to Locke's instruction; the urge to throw away the fancy, pretentious cutlery and dig in with his hands was flagrantly obvious to the older man; but it was with some pride he saw that the boy fought the urge and eatate as any civilised young man ought to.

 

It feel like the last sentence goes on to long...fragmented sentence I think is the term I'm looking for?? and I think the eat should be an ate, or else the tenses are mixed up..fought=past tense eat=present tense? Or am I completely off track?

 

But there is definitely somethign that doesn't feel quite right with that paragraph.

 

Otherwise, Great post. I like the way Cooper tries to blast Locke, with the childish manner of a bully who knows he is stronger, but his oppenent is more intelligent, and Locke seems to take it almost with an attitude of "well..I guess he's right."

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You're right, good catch. How embarrassing...

 

--------------------

 

They stopped late that afternoon by the side of a large lake to top up the water tank. The lake was- on their side at least- thankfully free of the looming threat of the trees, and the land train crunched to a rest on the large gravelled beach fringing their side of the lake.

 

”œKeep ye wits about ye,”

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I was right? Awesome! Tenses are somethgin I've always gotten mixed up in my writing, especially back in high school.

 

I actually chuckled out loud with the ending of this section. Very well written, especially the over the top description of a punch by Kwame. His accent seems to be getting stronger too. Or am I just imagining it?

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Thanks, I quite liked this bit. And Kwame's accent isn't getting stronger, it's just more obvious with some words than with others. I'm sure you have, but have you guessed what kind of accent he has?

 

Since you're clearly my sole reader at this point, I'll just update after you've commented and leave you to get to it when you get to it, no rush.

 

----------------------

 

”œHaving fun?”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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I don't really know the names of the different types of accents...so I'm going to throw out a couple..Scouse, Geordie or whatever it was the Brad Pitt played in Snatch, though I don't think it was that.

 

Pen / Jason / Kwame are developing a really nice character interaction at the moment. Really enjoying that.

 

I did love the way Ossus just unleashes with his gauntlet though. I chuckled at the last "I have a gun" comment too.

 

I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Copse has to offer our cast, as well as what will happen when they return to 'town'.

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Christ, that was a fast reply. I literally have another 70,000 words to go after this point and I'm still writing, so you've a long read ahead of you...

 

This bit's short, but the next section is long and I don't want to put them together because then it would be a really long section.

 

--------------------------

 

Kwame finished siphoning water from the lake twenty minutes or so later, and in the twenty minutes that it took for the boiler to heat up, he and Penelope filled the group's canteens (to be boiled before drinking, of course; you couldn't even trust the damned water out here in the wilderness).

 

When it was suggested (quite reasonably, Jason thought) by Xi that she take over driving duties for the next shift, the logic of her words was inevitably shoved aside in favour of anger and threats and distrust. It was Kwame's train. Kwame had been driving for eight hours straight; he needed to get some rest. Kwame could get all the rest when he wanted when the Theist witch had driven them all into a ravine, couldn't he? Also, it was Kwame's train. Xi had no reason to kill them, and even if she did, didn't crashing the steam engine stand a good chance of killing her? Oh aye, but there were loads of things she could do to sabotage Kwame's train that didn't involve killing herself”¦

 

The argument was finally settled when Jason said that he would travel with her in the engine car and keep an eye on her. No, Kwame couldn't do it, because he was liable to hector her about her driving, or fall asleep on the job and not be much use when it came to actually keeping an eye on her. No, Penelope couldn't do it, because she stood a good chance of trying to kill her. Ossus too, possibly. So that settled it. Jason would watch her, since he wasn't about to kill her, and in any event he had got some sleep that afternoon. Also, they would both bear in mind that it was Kwame's train they were driving, and would do their utmost not to damage it in any way.

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It's been quiet at work lately, andm so Ive been jumping on here and going through a few threads.

 

Ive got the next two weeks off work so ill be pumping through it for a while

 

This section feels odd for some reason..like it doesn't quite fit in with the style of the overall story.

 

Is there a particular reason you used the brackets to encapsulate some of the lines rather then commas?

 

The content is good, I like the way it shows that they're settling into a routine as to who can be trusted, working out the practicalities of sleeping and travelling, and drinking etc, but the way its written feels disjointed from the rest of the story.

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I think one of the reasons it feels out of pace with the rest of the story is that it's a very short, not very descriptive part with no dialogue, compared with the rest of the very dialogue-heavy story. With this part I think I just wanted to get things on the road, as it were, without getting bogged down in an overlong section on what is essentially a quick transition to the next part. I couldn't tell you why I decided to parenthesise stuff in this part and not in the other parts.

 

This part, as previously stated, is pretty damn long...

 

------------

 

”œYou travel with an interesting group, Jason.”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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Some very interesting information here. Not least that Xi is apparently trying to 'turn' Jason, or at least get him on her 'side'.

 

I'm curious myself as to why Ossus would be in a backwater town with the old artifacts (and as to what the gauntlet actually is, and how it works, but thats a side note).

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Xi pulled over as instructed, and they all got off the train, eager to stretch their legs after seven hours of being cooped up. Jason, face still dark with troubled anger, went and sat as far away as common sense and fear of the Mire's depths would allow. Kwame checked over the train's engine jealously, having barely slept at all for fretting about the Theist with her filthy Theist hands all over his train, and Xi set up a small fire and began cooking some of the fish they had caught earlier in the day. Penelope, like Jason, wandered off alone to the opposite side of the train.

 

”œDon't go too far, lass,”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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I'm glad that relationship is coming over as genuine. Whenever I read this stuff back, I can't really gauge it very well, and obviously this relationship is one of the most central to the story.

 

Just a heads-up- some VERY strong Kwame-instanced language in this part.

 

-----------------------

 

”œSeems all right, nae thanks tae you fiddlin' around wi' it,”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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Nope, no sections missed. This is supposed to be a bit of a shock. There are very subtle hints to something not being quite right with her before this- shivering in the sun, unusually pale etc.- but I plan to go back when finished and foreshadow it a bit more. Do you think it's badly handled?

 

-------------------------

 

Kwame laid her out along one of the booth seats, her feet dangling slightly into the aisle. As he had said, there was no point talking to her at the minute. An opium high could last for up to four hours, and until then, she probably wouldn't make much sense. Her hysterical outburst had vanished just as quickly as it had come on, and she was calm and placid again now.

 

”œWhere's the Theist?”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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No, I actually think you handled it quite well. Completely shocked me. I hadn't picked up on it, but was tactfully done as well, without destroying her dignity. She now comes across as a character you would sympathise with.

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That's good. I thought it was coming across as a bit of a deus ex machina.

 

-----------------

 

The bullet slammed into the turf, turning up a clump of wiry grass and thick earth, and the rabbit hissed balefully and skittered away.

 

”œNo, Jason, higher,”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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I certainly did have to do a fair bit of research on opium for this section- not just withdrawal symptoms but some other stuff that will become more apparent later.

 

---------------------------------------

 

Sheldon winced as he shifted his weight on the filthy, tired old mattress, a bolt of pain shooting from his battered mouth as he groaned. The I am Grooting bitch had really done a number on him. And for what? Because he made a crack about her and Ferrer? It wasn't his fault she was a godsdamn whore. He was just”¦ making an observation.

 

He'd heard, by way of people he might consider ”˜friends' (although they would consider him simply good for a laugh), that they had set fire to the Cathedral, but had been captured by the High Priestess in the process. I am Grooting good. He hoped that crazy, eyeless witch had killed the lot of them.

 

He heard a knock on the door, and brightened a little. He'd asked an acquaintance to arrange for a whore to come over to his room. His mouth may have been less six or seven of the yellowing nubs he optimistically dubbed teeth, but the bitch had at least left him his dick. The night might not end so badly, after all.

 

”œIt'sh oben,”

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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Kwame had to give credit where credit was due; she was good. It was easy to see why Jason and the old man hadn't noticed her oped up to the eyeballs before now. If Kwame wasn't looking for it he probably wouldn't have noticed the almost imperceptible change to her. The eyes were a little too glassy, the movements a little too languorous, but not so much that it was very noticeable. In any event, these things, if noticed at all, could be attributed to whatever it was that she had been through. Kwame wasn't sure he wanted to know, frankly, and he didn't think that she would be very chatty on the subject even if asked.

 

He bit back the impulse to ask her if she was all right- stupid questions begat stupid answers- and simply forced a smile.

 

”œWe're, ah, finishin' off the fish outside, Pen, if ye want some.”

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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