Guilt (vig)

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Hey! So, I'm trying (without much success so far) to get back into the writing groove of things. Unfortunately, plot bunnies are still flopping about trying to find the creative juices which once fed them readily. Suffice it to say, this is a start and may be a little rough. The first sentence popped to mind, and the rest of it was creating a situation where such a thing might be felt. Let's hope its the start of more to come...

 

Title: Guilt (sorry, couldn't come up with something better just yet)

Rating: PG

Rated for: violence

Critique level: Critique encouraged, but go easy on me for now while I get back into the swing of things!

 

 

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It had not been nearly as difficult as everyone assured him it was.

 

This fact was the heartbeat in his mind, present beneath every other thought and isolating him from all hope of human comfort.

 

It was the secret shame when by day Naoisha saw the respect and awe in the eyes of the village men and when by night he held the sleeping form of Deeta after she had quietly wept her way into slumber, large with the child whom he prayed to God might be his redemption.

 

It had not been nearly as difficult as everyone assured him it must have been.

 

Of course, Fallik bragged loudly to all who would listen, Naoisha had been one of the quickest learners in the training exercises. He was one of the strongest supporters when the village had rallied together and refused to be helpless prey waiting for the next attack on their food, livestock, or their daughters to be dragged away to fill the lusts of the plunderers. He had worked harder than most honing muscles gained through honest farming into weapons against the Maldor. Of course Naoisha had been one of the men to courageously perform a first kill in defense of his home and village, and with such personal sacrifice no less!

 

Who worked harder than Naoisha to protect his family?

 

His mental heartbeat had been different in those days...before. After the last Maldorian attack the heartbeat had cried for the protection and security of his family at all costs. Their Leena was at a tender age and already earning the admiring glances of the village boys - she was sure to be noticed by the Maldor. Rost was young and no threat, but possessed the false bravado of a little boy and would willingly fling himself into danger. Deeta was growing larger each day and unable to run quickly. The child she carried was precious beyond measure and would heal their hearts as he replaced the hole left by Tommel. The little one would show that they were good parents, that Naoisha was not an unforgivable failure of a father and a man.

 

And so Naoisha forced his weary body from the fields each day to the commongreen to practice again and again with the other men, practicing well after the others left for supper until finally, bruised and thickly lathered with sweat, he retired to food and rest in his own home. He would not fail to protect his family again. It was not until the moves were smooth and instinctual that his regimen eased.

 

It was the training and the heartbeat that woke Naoisha in the pitch-black of the night, eyes wide and heart pounding as he strained his senses for what had woken him. He sensed the slumbering form of Deeta beside him and with the most incremental turn of his head was able to count the silent forms upon each cot in the hut. All were present.

 

With the muffled rustle of cloth a shadow crossed carefully from the door to Leena's cot, back to the larger bed as it leaned over his daughter. Leena!

 

Naoisha glided his hand silently over the edge of the bed and felt the cold metal of his dagger. Grasping it firmly with the added strength of adrenaline, he slipped his legs out from the blanket and rolled to his feet, weight carefully balanced. Three silent steps took him most of the length, all in a matter of seconds.

 

A loud cry echoed through the night.

 

The shadow jerked up, and with a low growl Naoisha rushed the last few steps with no attempt at silence. Around him the village broke in sudden pandemonium with a scream, more shouts, the sound of horses stamping and the clash of metal. He recognized the sounds and it fueled him, even as they barely registered in his mind.

 

The long nights of training graced his movements with fluidity, grace, and confident strength. Pure instinct overrode any thought. The shadow was turning, hands scrabbling in the dark when Naoisha's grasp caught his shoulder and spun him the rest of the way around. There was a muffled exclamation from the intruder, a gasp from Leena as she sprung up in bed below them, and then Naoisha's knife was sliding smooth and deep between shadow's ribs to penetrate the heart.

 

There was a muffled, gurgled moan as the intruder slumped to the floor.

 

Sound, life, and awareness returned. The village was writhing around his hut with shouts and thumps, the sound of horses retreating and the screams of women, but he was intent on this building alone.

 

"Naoisha!" Deeta was scrambling from the bed, panicked.

 

Leena was sobbing in terror.

 

The form below him was gasping in rattling breaths and twitching against his legs.

 

Rost bolted up-right in his little bed with a small wail.

 

"All right," Naoisha gasped, or tried to. It came out breathlessly garbled and impossible to understand. "We're all right." There, clearer. A new mantra. "We're all right."

 

What sounded like an attempt at words from the intruder gave one last wet gurgle and fell into silent stillness.

 

Glass rattled as Deeta struggled with the lamp. A horse galloped past mere feet from their home, its rider cursing and the ground trembling with the sound of the hoof beats as the first flicker of light illuminated the small room and grew, illuminating his small and bedraggled family.

 

The casualties of the village were rough that night, although significantly less than any previous encounter. Taking the life of a man was an altogether different thing than the killing of an animal and many of the men had hesitated in fear or indecision rather than strike a deciding blow. Egan Marrit and Larsen Farold were dead, Roland Thannen had almost lost his arm and would be in a sling for weeks, Halley Straighton had been carried off screaming, and her younger brother had been trampled by a horse when he attempted to rescue her. There were many more wounds, but the Maldors had in turn left two men behind dead, one wounded, and several more had limped away. The village, in the midst of the ceremony of passing for those gone, still had hope for the future. Naoisha's kill was the fastest, and the only one without collateral damage. Overnight he had become the hero of the village, and already there was talk of putting him on the council come harvest time.

 

There was no peace or victory from the backslaps, the pumping handshakes, in the sympathetic eyes of the women or the awkward conversation of the men, wondering how he had the strength and courage to go through with such violence even for the protection of his family.

 

They only made his isolation worse.

 

Only Naoisha remembered what it felt to see Tommel's body in the that first flickering lamplight, dead on the floor by his own father's hand.

 

Only he knew the finality of Deeta's wail and heard it still, echoing in his heart in the quiet hours of the night.

 

Only he wondered without relief whether Tommel, gone two years since those last hateful arguments, had come back to hurt...or to warn.

 

Only he knew that there had been no deliberation, no protest in his mind. That it had been quick and instinctual, that the knife had slipped in so easily.

 

And so Naoisha's mental heartbeat sounded strongly, underneath every thought and bringing pain to every breath.

 

It had not been nearly so difficult as everyone assured him that it must have been.

[Tiana Calthye]

I found your writing to be spot on. You chose perfect words in perfect places, not overdoing vocabulary or abusing a thesaurus... just carefully chosing words to bring something to life. Bravado, pandemonium, deciding, flickering, deliberation... you picked words that said things, and made for an interesting read.

 

The biggest thing I found myself struggling with was the ever so frequent passive voice. Though the story seems to be written as a flashback sort of thing, well...

 

Leena was sobbing in terror.

 

The form below him was gasping in rattling breaths and twitching against his legs.

 

Rost bolted up-right in his little bed with a small wail.

 

The first two sentences are written in passive voice (was) and the last is in a more immediate voice. (Incidentially, upright does not require a hypen.) I found it inconsistant. Some parts of it you chose an active voice and others you chose a passive voice. I would, if it's intended to be a flashback, hold to one or the other. And for myself, I would hold to the active voice.

 

Glass rattled as Deeta struggled with the lamp. A horse galloped past mere feet from their home, its rider cursing and the ground trembling with the sound of the hoof beats as the first flicker of light illuminated the small room and grew, illuminating his small and bedraggled family.

This paragraph is a good example of active. Glass rattled, the horse gallops and its rider cursing, the ground trembling. It's immediate, tension-bringing and makes ME feel like I'm there. You could've made it passive: "There was a horse galloping past, its rider was cursing." If you wanted the story to be told in the voice of someone telling the story that happened THEN to someone in the NOW or even just thinking about what happened THEN in the NOW you could get away with that... but you should keep it consistantly that way.

 

However, I feel the sentences you wrote in an active voice were crisper, sharper and more impacting. If at all possible, I encourage people to avoid passive words, such as were and was.

 

Nothing really stood out to me grammatically... as usual, your writing is sharp and words well picked. I liked your word choices, it made for a poetic sort of read. I felt sorry for the character, awful rough situation. And your choice of 'direction', if that makes sense... the way you outlined the story to be read, made for a very workable short story. It kind of reminded me of some Star Wars shorts I've seen on here... it's a very good way to write a short. Start with an indication of what will come, then flash back to what happened, and then end with an echo of the beginning. Nice and impacting.

 

I too hope it's the start of more to come!

[DarthBrendo]

I'm so glad to see that you're writing again Gimpy. I always enjoyed your work.

 

I can't add much beyond what Tiana has said, except that I really enjoyed this piece. Are you going to write more for it?

[NavyGal]

Oh wow. I really liked that. I am all curious about who the Maldorians are and such.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Excellent! Haunting and sad. I definitely didn't see the end coming, with the revelation of who the intruder was, although I did get the sense that it wasn't an ordinary intruder.

 

Like T said, I'd avoid the passive, but it did work well from time to time in this vig, so I'm a little on the fence in this particular story. But otherwise, your writing is as good as ever--spot on with great word choices and an excellent job painting a picture with words.

 

I hope you stick around again and share all your little plot bunnies!

[Tiana Calthye]

Oh wow. I really liked that. I am all curious about who the Maldorians are and such.

Oh, it was Mandolrians? Well, that shows how great my Star Wars knowledge is... I thought it was an original fic. Not that that changes my review at all...

[DarthBrendo]

Oh wow. I really liked that. I am all curious about who the Maldorians are and such.

Oh, it was Mandolrians? Well, that shows how great my Star Wars knowledge is... I thought it was an original fic. Not that that changes my review at all...

 

It was original..Maldorian. Not Mandalorian Unless we've all misread it. haha

[Tiana Calthye]

Oh wow. I really liked that. I am all curious about who the Maldorians are and such.

Oh, it was Mandolrians? Well, that shows how great my Star Wars knowledge is... I thought it was an original fic. Not that that changes my review at all...

 

It was original..Maldorian. Not Mandalorian Unless we've all misread it. haha

Oh, hahaha, I thought Nat just misspelt Mandalorian. I AM SO CONFUSED.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Hey, guys! Thanks for the feedback regarding word choice and especially the active/passive voice, I can definitely see that looking back at it. Tiana, pulling out a few specific examples helped a lot.

 

It was particularly tricky in this vig because it is kind of present-past-present and yet the memory of that past night is so integral to what he feels now that it replays in his mind constantly, so in some ways it is like his present as well.

 

I might make it all active or make the "present" passive but the "past" active to show how ingrained it is in his mind...we'll see. I'm not going to spend too much time editing it at this point, but I'd like to get a little more polish!

 

Oh wow. I really liked that. I am all curious about who the Maldorians are and such.

 

Oh, hahaha, I thought Nat just misspelt Mandalorian. I AM SO CONFUSED.

 

 

You guys were correct (at least originally...lol? ) It is an original fic, and so they are Maldorians, a type of parasitic and violent community which tends to steal the food, livestock, and women of other villages rather than work themselves. They have nothing to do with the Mandalorians.

 

I can't add much beyond what Tiana has said, except that I really enjoyed this piece. Are you going to write more for it?

 

I wasn't planning on it, it jumped into being as a one-shot in my mind. :Shrug: Never know what will happen, though!

[Myth Hunter]

I liked it. It had a nice rhythm to it. But it does kind of leave us asking questions and wanting more.

 

I can't really say much more on the writing itself that hasn't been said already.

 

But I do like it when people use specific words. It saves a lot of repeating and makes the story flow better when you use better descriptive words.

 

Well done.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

This was awesome! You're a good writer, Gimpy. Sadly, I haven't really been around in your Fanfic heyday, to catch the other likely superb examples of your work. Tiana made a comment too, that I agree with. You obviously didn't bust out some thesaurus, in order to lace your writing with obnoxious adjectives and adverbs. You made do with simple words, but in a sophisticated way. Less is more? I think so.

 

More specifically, I really liked the setting. The names and the descriptions reminded me of a blended tribal society, where feudal Japan meets the Norse landscape. I know that's weird, but that's what jumped into my mind.

 

So, well done. I will have to look up more of your work.

[Tiana Calthye]

Gimpy's writing is great. I heartily recommend it.

 

Nothing to say that I didn't already say, but I'm STILL confused on the Maladorian/Mandalorian/something deal... something to keep in mind when posting original stuff on a Star Wars site, I guess!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Aw, I misses Gimpy. She was such a great writer and vibrant member of this community.

[Ethro Brealis]

Oooh, gimpy actually posted something within the last year! It would be very nice to see her back some more.

 

It was good, very good. A little confusing at the end- I had to go back and re-read the part about Tommel because I originally thought he had died young rather than run away. But still, dark and delicious. I thought the length was good- don't lengthen it, certainly. It would lose a lot of punch if it was any longer.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Ethro! You come in and just post a comment on an old fic like you've been here all along? Tsk, tsk, tsk...that will never do!

 

*hugs* Good to see you again!

[jedi_master_gimpy]

I know, Ami, don't you just hate that?!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Meanie.

[Jedi Kiara]

Gimperdoodledandy! Oh how I have missed thee! It is fun to see that you come in here and post something now and again. I love your writing!

 

I don't know what my problem is, because I seem to be the only confused one here. It must be my ADD. I think there are simply too many names being thrown at me at once, so I wasn't sure exactly what was going on and I have had to re-read a few times. But I do love your word choices and that you are able to use simple direct sentences. Something I have really been having to work on with my own writing lately is being too wordy.

 

I do hope you are continuing to write, because you are just so gosh darn good at it!

[Tiana Calthye]

Gimperdoodledandy! Oh how I have missed thee! It is fun to see that you come in here and post something now and again. I love your writing!

Oh, that is just TROLLING. (See conversation above. HAHA!)

 

Stop getting us excited!

 

Good to see you around, Kiara.

[Jedi Kiara]

Thankyou, Tiana! And I have earned the right to troll.

[Tiana Calthye]

Yes, this kind of trolling you are welcome to do, if it means you're going to be posting. (Though I might have to question your motives if you started bumping stories just to post. "Great story. 666. ")

[Obi-quiet]

Well! Finally have a bit of time to read some of these that I've been wanting to.

 

My biggest problem was the fact that I was expecting Star Wars and as such read "mandelorian" but also "horse". Took me a second to go back and realize that this was an original set on Earth. ^^;

 

A lot of great descriptions, and I loved the tone you set, but I felt that in whole that it kind of jumped from past to future to present to past to...I know that it was more reminiscent on the main character's part, but it was a little confusing.

 

Otherwise, nicely done.

[Jedi Kiara]

(Though I might have to question your motives if you started bumping stories just to post. "Great story. 666. ")

 

Ah come on! Now that I'm "back" I need to get my post count to be higher than yours! I've been here since 99 ya know! And what do I have to show for it?

[Tiana Calthye]

(Though I might have to question your motives if you started bumping stories just to post. "Great story. 666. ")

 

Ah come on! Now that I'm "back" I need to get my post count to be higher than yours! I've been here since 99 ya know! And what do I have to show for it?

A join date in 99, of course. No matter how much I post I can't get that.

 

But by all means, try pass me. I welcome all the fic reviewing you can do to try beat my 7xxx post count!