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jedi_master_gimpy

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  1. I am SO glad you told me that! I was going by titles only, so I figured I needed to catch up on the first draft, read the in-between Epilogue in the regularly Library (turns out this is your revised draft!), and then move onto the second book's draft. I will transition to DA to catch up at least, but still comment in the newer thread you have going on in the normal library to leave short comments on where I'm at - no major reviews this go around unless something major stands out, since it's much more polished by your own account and I would enjoy the chance to mostly just sit back and enjoy! Don't expect to see me around the second book for a while yet. For Lamastus: Once I caught the "young" this go around I figured the "son" had to come from the difference in experience, but it's nice to have that confirmed. Since Lamastus is at least a reoccurring minor character if not a main character, I would definitely advocate making sure some reference to his age makes it into your current draft so that no one else gets this WAAAY off internal picture so close to his introduction. Past that, I'll let you know if there are any other scenes I discover added to this wrong mental picture and might require a second look.... but otherwise assume that now that I have the correct mental picture, it'll all be good... You definitely have a lot more weapons, strategy, etc knowledge than myself, so I'll definitely take your word that the accuracy and force of Syler's cut would make a clean and fast enough transient force to keep too much of the pressure from translating to Bronwyn. Just figured I'd mention it. I'll see you back in the normal library on your other thread....Toodles!
  2. Hey Travis... Hoping you are around and will be alerted to someone posting here. Please let me know if you have an updated draft version I should be checking instead. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know that I have re-read through the end of Chapter 9 thus far in my attempt to catch up. It's a very enjoyable re-read, actually made quite a bit easier by having some memory of the people, places, political climate, etc from the first go around. Things are about to get CRAZY soon, from what I recall. I think I only noticed 2 things this time (past what I already knew was in the works) that are worth mentioning: In Chapter 5b when you first introduced Lamastus you mentioned him as a "young" man. A little while later, he tells Syler that "this is yours, son" (referring to Bronwyn's house). This surprised me, because I had this vision of Lamastus as a slightly grizzled if not quite old (perhaps mid-aged), and quite experienced soldier. I'm not sure if I completely missed the "young" descriptor before, was overwhelmed by the "son" comment that implies a decent age difference, or if there are continued traits that enforced this in my mind that I haven't gotten to yet in my re-read. Since I'm not sure about that yet, I thought I would at least mention the discrepancy - could be I just always formed an incorrect picture in my head! The other thing was in Bronwyn's vision from chapter 6 - and I'm not very knowledgeable at this point, but when I read it through it seemed like the soldier was still in the process of his second cut down Bronwyn's arm when Syler cut off his hand. Wouldn't this cause his cutting implement to dig further into Bronwyn? I don't think this is a huge deal - obviously he must have stopped the cut or Bronwyn would have been aware of that extra pressure in the vision - but it did make me stop and think. So, if a simple word choice or two can fix it then...there you go. Again... still... enjoying the re-read greatly and looking forward to getting to new stuff - somewhere around Chapter 19 or 20 is when I got too busy to kick around here last, methinks. I'll continue to drop little comments as I progress.
  3. Hullo! I'm glad to see you're still working on your original series, Travis. I wasn't quite sure where to start with jumping back in, to be honest the sheer word count I recall from MoM is a bit daunting! I thought that I would swing by here first to sort of ease my way in... It's definitely a different style from what I recall of MoM and I'm enjoying the first-person perspective. It's a lot easier to simply sit back and enjoy this story - I think it's the narrative style, and also perhaps some more familiarity with the whole world - rather than the intense focus I recall more when reading MoM and trying to make sure I was catching all of the details. I'm also reminded that whenever I get into any battle in my own writing I should ping you for help on logistics and tactics, lol. I'm glad you're continuing to enjoy puttering around and adding to the world you've put so much time and effort into creating, I have no doubt you've created a rich back story and will have several short stories to come. I am curious to see more of this Coalition in action, or at least through Xaretines. I would really like to learn more about how they work and see more of Xaretines bleeding through this first-person narrative (journal), really taking advantage of the POV to give us a unique perspective. Some of that, of course, is limited by the fact that this is a journal meant to be viewed by others rather than a stream-of-consciousness approach, and I would expect with a time delay from the actual events that might dull them or change the perspective slightly. Still, I feel like outside of a few comments (mainly with regard to the abilities of the specific Sei villagers) it may as well be a 3rd person omniscient narration. The only things I've picked up so far with regards to Xaretines himself is a) his name, b) he's part of the Coalition, has abilities with magic, and in particular with killing large amounts of people, c) is probably middle-aged due to being above a fourth level wizard (is implied), and d) is perhaps a little cantankerous or snide based on a few of his comments. I found this statement extremely frustrating, because I thought it was very untrue and I definitely wanted to know more! So, here is my list of reader demands: All we know about Xaretines is that he came to try to keep the Koshi from fully conquering the Kingdom of the Sei and gaining the attention of the East. 1. What we don't know is how well-spread knowledge of the Coalition is (it seems to be like they would be working almost in the shadows), so I doubt he could simply introduce himself to the village of Praten an have everyone suddenly behind him... although merely mentioning his magic abilities would be enough considering their disarray. How did he even get there? Did he have to travel through the land until he found a way past the battle lines to where a good confrontation point might be, or does the Coalition allow him to somehow have real-time access (via magic?) to the knowledge that might help him target where to go and where his opposers are? 2. Who is the intended audience that Xaretines expects to read this account and for what purpose? The one comment he had on this seems to indicate that it's an account to bring hope to others who feel like they are stuck in an inescapable situation, so I was would assume that it's almost a memoir that would end up as a scroll in a few dusty libraries or keeps or something, however even to a "general" audience Xaretines would be influenced by the knowledge base he thinks the readers would have. - Would he fully want to reveal what the Coalition does to them, or is this a good thing to expose the potential danger to the West? - Would knowing that the Sei or Koshi may read this impact the ways he portrays them, or as a member of the Coalition does he not care? - Where did Xaretines come from before he became part of the Coalition? Does this bias him in any way? - Would Xaretines emphasis more of how intimidating the problem was (which you've started to do already in a basic layout of the forces and grounds) to fit the theme of the journal? If he's writing to encourage, would he continue to emphasize how intimidating it was to him? 3. When did he write this? Not that you have to explicitly lay it out, but the details might be more fuzzy or compacted if it's looking back many years later, etc. What would still seem the most important to convey at that time? I don't think that you're ignoring any of these questions in what you have so far, in fact I think you're at least hinting at several of these, but having it firmly in mind if you don't already might help add some more focus and Xaretines' character in the narrative perspective. The whole Coalition idea really intrigued me, if you can't tell - so I want to know how the details of this all work out! Anywho, I think this is an intriguing start to a short story, and if you can't already tell, you've piqued my interest with both the plot and style already! Looking forward to more of this, as well as popping over to the Shelves next to re-read and then move forward in MoM, although I probably will stay more on the read side and have very limited review posts for the sake of catching up in a timely manner. Looks like you have a separate Epilogue and the start of the next book as well?
  4. Interesting cross-over idea... It was a quick and enjoyable read, and I think that the Sherlock cast was very well in-character (granted, for John being in one of his annoyed-at-Sherlock moods). The interactions of Sherlock and John (with everyone else as well as each other) had me grinning, especially that continued nod to the "are they together" joke. Harry and Ron seemed in-character as well (for the small bits we saw, at least!), with what I would consider a very accurate age transition to be still what we're familiar with, only older. Per some of the other comments, I think some of the changes in POV or the knowledge certain characters have would need a little more work if you leave this as a standalone piece, but if you choose to add chapters as you mentioned then it would be fine to expand forward instead of explaining it all here. I could assume that Sherlock has already been suspecting magic even if he doesn't know Harry personally, being familiar with his blunt genius, but to fully flesh out the work it could be hinted at later, etc... However, I would still try to limit the viewpoints - main focus and most of the story from Dudley's POV, with limited snippets from Watson and Harry? Enough to help us merge the fandoms, but not always jumping around as much as this chapter does? What I found most interesting was Dudley's character, to be honest. What an interesting take on a reformed, functioning, supposedly intelligent (to be an inspector) version of Dudley, who is plagued by remorse and a need to find forgiveness from Harry. I found Harry's quick response very believable, but I will second Brendo's comment on being quite surprised by his profession. It's difficult to transition the Dudley we saw - dull-witted, and as slow on his feet as in his head - with an inspector. The eye-opening transformation and attempt to make up for all those years of abuse which Harry suffered made sense, but I would definitely like to see more of how this transition came about, perhaps with some hints as to how he "woke up" mentally as well, etc? Thanks for the enjoyable read, I do hope your friend convinces you to add those additional chapters or nudges you into expanding this one a bit.
  5. I have to second (third...fourth?) what everyone else said - this was a really fun, enjoyable, and sweet read. I thought it was very well done for a first go back at writing after 6 years, although you seem to insist against that. I really like the simplicity of it. Yes, there is a kingdom and all that, but we don't have some giant drama ... the story is really just about a boy and a girl, two best friend, and the deep love that grows between them. It was believable and knowable, if that makes sense? I can feel Zae's emotion, understand it and struggle on her behalf. I also really enjoyed the slight touch of magic you added. It is a very unique and intriguing idea, and definitely added some depth to this particular tale. You could add a little more detail in on this, but overall I liked how you chose to remain focused on their perspective, and what Zae would or wouldn't know about this bonding process. It fit very well with the pace and feel of the story. Thanks for sharing!
  6. M/W/F posts, eh? I count several missing weeks.... Are we gonna get more soon?
  7. *clears throat as subtle reminder that Ami should continue to work on this....*
  8. Okay, so I read chapters 17-19 this time, and the bad news is that I had a long response written out and my computer promptly crashed. I really didn't have the energy to go back and duplicate it, but I think that I recall all of my "bigger" comments, and your editor will hopefully catch anything small. Chapter 17 - I love the giant leaps forward we are making in plot and understanding Syler's purpose and abilities! I thought the discussion tying together all of the various religions was interesting, but what really grabbed my attention was the vision where Syler confronts the Elements themselves. This was really interesting, and I liked how you showed us from the start the various struggles within the Elements themselves. It was pretty easy to tell that Crusos was a bad guy! I had to laugh when you posted the picture of the sentinel from Thor, because throughout your description of Erastmus I kept having this niggling feeling that he reminded me of someone, and as soon as that picture showed up I remembered who! Chapter 18 - Overall I think you did a really good job with the conversation between Syler and Bronwyn. I thought you extrapolated very realistic emotions on Bronwyn's side and portrayed it pretty well, something which is usually not easy to do in a more extreme scenario such as this! I remember thinking that there were a few places I would suggest relatively minor tweaks to smooth it out, but that it wouldn't be easy to convey in a response anyways, so if you're interested let me know and perhaps I'll PM you with them. The only more major tweak I had was the progression leading towards the "fade to black." (Quick side note - I appreciate the tactful way you did this and, while you did break your promise , I could see the reason you put it in after Syler's firm decision not to sleep with Bronwyn without loving her, Bronwyn's subsequent rape, and now it being a sign of deep, caring love and healing on both sides). I guess my one concern with that is yes, Bronwyn is now feeling secure in Syler's love and fully healed, both of which could create a very exuberant and impulsive action, but at the same time, she has been raped so recently! Especially considering that most of the time since that occurred (i.e .buffer time to get over it) was spent unconscious, something which you, yourself recognized, this would still be fresh in her mind or automatic responses. I don't think that it makes this sex scene impossible at this time, since it does have a good placement in the plot for those other reasons, but rather that she seemed to be completely unaffected by the rape once she had talked it out with Syler, and trying to imagine my reactions after a similar event I'm just not sure that's possible. Bronwyn has no idea what a gentle and loving touch in this intimate way could be like, so I would imagine a little hesitance, a few stops and starts, maybe even an initial flinch before she catches herself. Syler, being the man he is, would probably purposefully ask if if this is okay with her and remind her it is not the same. I think you briefly touched on this: but I think that you could expand it a little more to give us even more emotion without having to change the rating of the scene at all. Chapter 19 - I'm glad to see the gang reunited! I was only a little way into this chapter when my computer crashed, so I do have more in-depth comments for the majority of it. I do like how you continue to note the differences in culture that make for misunderstandings - or potential trouble, later! I think there needs to be a comma after the "you," and the use of "dearie" seemed really strange to me. I know that obviously it's a sarcastic word choice, but even with sarcasm it seemed out of place for Growald. Maybe give him more of a sneer when he says it and that would help? So I think I understand what you were trying to convey about why Growald did things the way he did - by touching the power once he had a vague idea that it was possible for him to save Bronwyn and a small understanding that ti was connected to the red haze. Nonetheless, this paragraph was really confusing and almost made it harder to grasp that rather than easier, particularly from sentence #2. Is there another way to make that more clear? I wasn't sure if you were using "me" to emphasize a sarcastic tone or not. So, if not, it should be "my," and if so, I would strengthen Growald's voice tone by changing it from not being devastated to outright saying a mocking tone. LOL! Good thing Bronwyn is there to wisely remind him when he might need to shut up. I thought the confirmation process made sense, sad as it was. When taken in conjunction with the prophecies, the Master of Magic would come without knowing what he is (and therefore without a background in controlling magic), so the fact that he can defeat someone using it confirms his control of the Magic (specifically, his control over the magic around him rather than an inherent ability to create it himself, at least in this case) as well as serves as a teaching point in how to use his abilities, similar to the healing of Bronwyn. Similarly, Avenil's family line and actions thus far made it quite believable that he would have no qualms stepping forward to death in order to bring about this confirmation - clearly, he had committed himself fully to this role already. At the same time, I thought you did a good job of keeping Syler's character intact (both as the Master of Magic perceived by Avenil and Vekla, and Syler as we know him already) by the forced hand to bring about his confirmation - everyone expected he would not want this seemingly unnecessary bloodshed. Also, the fact that the absolute force of those magic attacks was never seen on Syler made it impossible to guess that one single blast turned back on Avenil would kill him. If Syler had been aware, I have no doubt he would have tried to strike Avenil's leg or the ground around him, but this again goes back to prophecy and the fact that Avenil knew he would have to die. All very interesting how it ties together! I like how even prophecy has given Syler clear paths to learn some of his abilities. I think my one critique for this battle would be that you tell us more about his friends when they find themselves held at knife point. It seems almost like an aside - suddenly they're at knife point, but still the conversation is centered between Avenil and Syler. This seemed strange to me - I would have expected an attempted scuffle from Lamastus or Growald even if quickly subdued, a lingering look from Syler to Bronwyn in particular, perhaps an exasperated or indignant comment from Havert, etc... As to how to progress? Wowsers! Wonder which one it will be for her? Okay, so I understand how defeating the lan leader would also immediately transfer this title to Syler, but it did seem a little strange that the conversation immediately and completely shifted from the Master of Magic to this. I can handle the fact that Syler is in denial of what he will do, even if it still seems a little weird immediately after a crazy battle like that. On the other hand, for Vekla, even dazed by her father's death it seems she would be fully immersed and pointed towards the Master of Magic - her whole family was involved in this role. That said, it seems like she would focus first on his confirmation and second on being Lord of Thwrud, and this would follow for the whole conversation after, rather than the other way around... especially considering her father just gave his life for that. She's a strong woman, I imagine her arguing more instead of having nothing to say. Just my opinion, but it didn't feel quite right to me. Now free, were walking, out to the. That needs to be a question mark, not an exclamation mark. You've already told us he was yelling, so the extra emphasis is understood. I thought we would have to wait much longer to discover Crusos' price (okay, so we've only discovered it in part...)! Too bad he found just the right button to push to keep Syler under control already... Why do I have the feeling that Syler won't want to have to obey that final call any more than he does now? On Vekla-Avenil connection, I could completely understand how Syler missed it. I had, too! When meeting so many people, parts of a name can fall out of the memory quickly. If he had realized that, I'm sure he would have reacted differently in the battle. At the same time, Bronwyn is as (or possibly more) discombobulated as Syler since they're arrived at the Krue. She missed Vekla's formal introduction at the forest boundary and awoke after the introduction to Avenil. With all of her joy and fearful sorrow, even in subsequent introductions she could have missed it. So, I was almost more surprised that she caught it than that Syler missed it. Granted, understanding Krue could have helped her overhear this connection outside of introductions. I think you could add some mention of how she knew this to help make it more plausible. [big breath.] Alright, done. Three more chapters down in the crazy catch up. Still liking this a lot!
  9. Haha, thanks! It's difficult... I think I can count on one hand the number of fiction books he's read since I've known him, however he far outstrips me in the nonficton. Sounds like your husband likes to be active! I'm siding with you for the most part, though. For me I think the defining part between Gale and Katniss is that while both of them deeply cared for the other (yup, we'll never know for sure if love was a part of it), but Gale would always be trying to prove himself (because Katniss never wanted or looked for a husband, and thus wouldn't be seeing him in that manner) and Katniss would always feel guilty for whatever she felt or didn't feel. Whether it's revisions to this one or your Haymitch vig, definitely post them when you're ready... looking forward to them already!
  10. Haha, okay, good point. Nah, probably not necessary. I'm able to guess major plot points of books, movies, and TV shows probably 80% of the time, and often things other people don't notice (trying to be factual and not toot my own horn, so apologies if that sounds conceited). It didn't come across as overt, and just because I'm guessing too close means you need to make it more vague, methinks. Right now it's at a point where very, very few readers might guess it, but for the most part it's just providing the character needed to make Growald real and not make his future revelations seem to character. I'd keep it. Overall you actually have a lot more history and descriptions than I normally see already, except perhaps when comparing to Tolkien. I think you could definitely add more, especially descriptions pertaining to immediate environment or instances, but (my opinion) I would actually be careful about adding too much more description and history that it begins to bog down the story. For instance, I might love Tolkien's work immensely, but there's a reason The Hobbit is my favorite over LotR - it always keeps moving, whereas LotR has a couple points (such as Tom Bombadil) that add nothing to the plot and are okay for the first 3 pages, but start to get old for the next 15... I think you can definitely add some more in without reaching that point, but it would also be easy to cross the line. You've developed a rich cultural background here and it amazes me - I'm not sure I'm capable of that. The thought you've gone into is necessary to execute the depth and intricacy you've shown in the story this far, but all of that thought on actual paper for the story might be too much for the reader to take in. I think you're already aware of this from what you mentioned about not putting all your thought regarding prophecy down on paper, but just a reminder. In other words, sounds like there is very specific reasons it was worded the way it was.... I'll be watching to find out why. Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning! Or, in other words, onward! Chapter 15 Wow, things are really starting to happen quickly now! Not just the big confrontation, but arriving at their first major stop and the introduction of a whole new race. And I have to say, the Krue are pretty dang amazing! Of course, no matter what I think I don't think I can beat Ami's words, so I'll just second her! The proper build-up between dialogue at Growald and Syler's last fight might have been off, but there was no sign of that here. The argument/discussion was believable and well thought out. As I recall you had some concern that it would make sense why Syler continued forward away from his sister, but I thought you handled it well: his decision made complete sense. Smart man - seems to have a lot of good guesses! I'm still wondering if he's Uthas' man to keep the Shallktra away, although in that case I wouldn't expect him to implicate Uthas... unless he has second thoughts of his own allegiance. I didn't look back to check, but as I recall the guide is supposed to be among the Krue. Bronwyn's abilities as a seer seems to be pushing Syler on towards his destiny. It's quite curious how Growald knows so much but has determined that he can't even tell Syler almost anything. I definitely felt my heart pick up a bit when they spotted the Shallktra behind them - I could just picture them cresting the hill to attack! I just knew that it would end up being the Krue who saved them. Oh,wow, I would not want to get on her bad side! Grammatical fixes: Remove one "just" for a little more diversity. Interesting line.... I don't quite agree, since as mentioned he didn't approve of the torture going on, yet at the same time I think the idea of him being a brute in a different uniform is true to a certain, if not identical, extent. "Hadn't" should be "hasn't." There should be a question mark after "insane," not an exclamation mark. In addition, since the sentence ends there the use of "exclaimed' does not work (it's a uncapitalized and a fragment). The timbers were visible, whereas if Subeleth Woods was the subject then "was" would be correct. Also, you have "behind them" twice in the second sentence and need a comma before "moving with tremendous speed." Awkward wording in the second sentence, IMO. I think it would read cleaner and less repetitive to simply pull an "even in her semi-conscious state" into the first sentence and delete the second. Remove the first and last commas in order for the whole sentence to flow better. "They" should be "the." The pursuit should tumble to the ground, not into it. Place a comma after "helmets," also the distinction between dark and black seemed so trivial that the mention was strange, even though I know you're trying to indicate mostly black hair rather than a whole army of brunettes. Just my opinion, but I think there's probably another way which you could word it? Also, the very next sentence seems confusing - he can tell enough of what color their hair is from a distance even despite hoods and war paint because there are no helmets, and he can tell that the women have their hair in braids even though he can't see how long their hair is? Chapter 16 Things are really starting to happen - it's fantastic! Another solid chapter in action and description. I can't wait to continue seeing more of the Krue, they seem like such interesting and decisive people. In particular - I'm so excited to start getting answers about Syler, and having him survive a fireball really opens the flood of information with a bang! Or rather... with a flame. I have to admit, I'm a little bit confused about the Guide/Guardian bit. The Guide was supposed to come from the Krue, and specifically be a woman from Subeleth, correct? (My guess is Velka!) There wasn't a mention of a guardian in the prophecy that I can recall, at least the parts we saw, but it makes sense for Growald's role. My point of confusion is that Velka calls Growald the guardian a few times, but then also calls him the guide... isn't that a separate role? ("You have an interesting way of interpreting your duties, Guide.") I think it's great how this prophecy stuff plays out. Growald still gets Syler safely to the Krue, but that has nothing to say what his end plans are or whether he truly seeks Syler's good in this... it only means that the prophecy was fulfilled at and this point he was a help rather than a hindrance. It'll be interesting to see how it all turns out... My one other minor critique in this part is Velka's response when she approaches Syler the first time. Can you describe this a bit differently? Her "cautious" approach seems a bit out of place with his utter confusion and between her leaping from her hasuan and walking straight up to him. So much is beginning to make sense! I liked the peak back at what was happening in the Angvardi Imperial Palace. We're learning a lot more about how the Empress operates, and, as Ami said, I think that Raella is going to have a few rude awakenings! Did you mean anecdote? Even then, I'm not sure that this is supposed to be a humorous saying or not? Remove first "on." Need to add a "no" near the beginning of the sentence. Not positive on the correct grammar for this, honestly, but I think you need to remove the "to" after "bastard king"? Just my opinion, but I tend to think that hyphens work better than the repeated words to indicate this kind of stuttering. Need to rework your sentences here so that you don't have a fragment. Celienna (non-possessive form), and I would recommend moving the comma in the last sentence from after "finished" to after "released him" instead. How is wood the primary source (indicating other sources are also there) and yet everything? Are you switching from building materials to an observation of other objects?
  11. Wow, talk about a whole lot of progress! I didn't expect Selim to start getting answers until he met up with the brothers, but it's already started, at least in terms of his abilities! Really, I guess that opens up a lot more possibilities for how it works. If he already knows some but feels uncomfortable or overly proud if his abilities, he might be more likely to hide it from them, and thus make this all that much more complicated. I thought this post was really good at overall development. We have Selim and Mandy moving forward in location towards the Elric brothers, continuing to figure out their balance as traveling companions, we learned quite a bit more about Mandy, and Selim learned at least part of what he can do with the shadows! Really, just the fact that they are shadows adds something so sinister to the ability, and you've done a good job of making Selim seem to continually skirt at the edges of "how will he use this," even if it never seems like he would purposefully choose to do evil. It's just always... you know... his pride. The fact that using his shadow powers completely drains him makes sense, but it also will act as a dangerous/good (depending on the situation) limiting factor. Anyway, it's a solid update, can't wait to see how Mandy reacts once he gets the chance to tell her! I did notice a larger number of smaller grammatical problems than normal, though. They're all quick fixes: I liked all the details about the stream and washing up that added character, but remove the extra comma after "stream" "Lead" should be "led," and "parents' car" instead of "parents car." Should be "Corrins' " since you're referring to the Corrins' wagon. Earshot is one word. Should just be station, singular. Looking forward to the next installment!
  12. Yay! I really enjoyed the books, although I'm still waiting to see the movie. Hopefully on Saturday! My husband didn't finish the book until Tuesday so we could go, but the fact that I got him to read a fiction book after all was pretty good. I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of Gale. I mean, I don't dislike him and the way he turned all of his anger at the situation into purposeful action against the Capitol with a 'no limits' type of mentality was realistic but not something that made me comfortable. That said, I think you did a good job highlighting what the first games might have been like for him, which is something that is not really touched on in the books. I liked how you had him watch some parts and unable to watch others, and yet not able to keep from hearing what was happening whether he wanted to or not. I imagine that is precisely how it would work. I did notice two minor fixes: 'To' should be 'too.' I think you're missing a 'be' in there. I also had a slightly different opinion of Gale's reactions at two points, but I think it's probably just how I'd read and developed his character in my own mind versus what is kosher from the books, and I may also be adding in more back story from the other two books than what he necessarily feels at the start of this. I was thinking that Gale had already made several long rants in the woods by this time, so 'indignation' sounded like a more minor upset by it rather than the burning rage I would imagine him feeling. Again, might just be my opinion of how he's handling this stuff, though! This sounded a little too much like running away to me, and while, granted, there are some events which haven't happened yet, he wasn't going to run away... he was going to fight. I was thinking about it and realized that wanting to fight, even here, could still be worded as leaving the desperation of the Seam and finding a better way to get by, but it doesn't seem to fully encapsulate his anger and determination to make the Capital pay rather than just escape from the situation. I did like how you emphasized that he's watching from the crowd, though, since it emphasizes the distance between them right now, and how responding to the "haunted look [in] her eyes" - what Katniss has specifically been forced to endure now - has only strengthened his resolve. I liked it - short and sweet - but would definitely not be opposed should you decide to come back and make this a longer vig when it's not 5am...
  13. An update! I like how you fit the events purposefully driving this story seamlessly between the normal activities of the Jedi temple. Corran's one of my favorite characters, although it's been quite a while since I've read a book with him. I can't remember whether he used his illusions during regular sparring with a Jedi partner vs against the real "bad guys"... although I might be forgetting a couple battles between him and Ganner Rhysode, because I definitely could see him pulling it out then! Whatever the case, I loved that you pulled in that nod to Corran's special abilities. I suggest moving the sentence starting "Corran sighed.." down to a new paragraph with "I'll get in the air." Then, another new paragraph to start off with Mara. When I first read it, until I read about Corran heading to the hangar I was really unsure who had answered that - Mara or Corran. I think the paragraph re-arranging might help distinguish that a little better. I had a little more trouble with the logistics, although not writing execution, of the second part. I hadn't perceived Miel as being quite as advanced enough to tackle so many pirates for what seemed like quite an amount of time before being unable to handle the new tactics; in part because, as you mentioned, all of the new Jedi Order are starting their training much later in life. Granted, she has been a warrior for her whole life if not in possession of a light saber, but this still struck me as perhaps a little beyond her abilities? Outside of that, I did like the descriptions of being immersed in the Force but slowly tiring as more and more gets through her guard - I thought you did a good job with that. Not many Jedi are capable of absorbing the energy from a blast, although maybe just enough to keep it from inflicting quite as much damage. I would expect the blaster to be on 'kill,' which means that the damage would be burned skin (even with most energy absorbed) unless you intended for her to fully/mostly absorb the energy but be unable to dissipate it expect through the a slightly explosive force, resulting in the broken ribs and enough force to break her leg on landing as well. Moving on to the third part, I liked how you skipped showing us what Soren actually did. Granted, of course, I'd like to know exactly who's taking him over and all, but it was a great build up to the mystery. Also, since none of the Jedi are aware of what happened (and I don't think Soren really knows what he did or how), it makes sense that it seemed to happen without true explanation or comprehension, but simply came back to the aftermath. The description of the pirates is the one other part where it seemed a little off to me. A small hole for the killing blow makes sense - it speaks to a single, confident kill blow that shows Soren's abilities - which is what was really being displayed here. While a few cauterized cuts might be found in addition to a killing blow when fighting another Jedi (or Sith), when fighting against a blaster the wounds should pretty much be deflected blaster bolts or the death blow, not lots of little close-up cuts, I would think? If the goal of the description is just to show Soren's proficiency, you could probably focus on the small hole or a precisely deflected blaster bolt instead of focusing so much on cuts, unless there is additional focus of cuts where there shouldn't be (this might point to a sadistic Sith Lord in Soren's head) . Anywho, just my thoughts on that. Is the Republic supposed to have a strong enough presence on Yavin to have a clean up crew ready like that, or was it supposed to come in from Telos in aide of the attacked ship? I liked how Corran, Mara, and Tionne to a smaller extent were playing curious investigators in the aftermath scene. It seems to suit them all quite well in this case!
  14. Nice ending to the tale of Stanley! Definitely my favorite line! Of course, I'm still glad that you ended with a nice throwback to Johnny Cash. Overall, a very amusing read Vaderman!
  15. I keep learning new things about Vader! I can imagine it is quite impossible for him to whisper.
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