Jedi Kiara

Oh, and Gimparoo! Good job getting your hubby to read it! My husband doesn't really read books... he's just not a reader. He works a lot, and when he's not working he'd rather be playing than reading (but for me, reading is playing! ) But he does want to see the movie with me, so I'll take it!

Ooo loved this, Nat! I haven't seen the movie yet, but I am waaaay excited to. Especially after reading this! I read the books a year or so ago.

Well I don't really get into the graphic novel crowd, but I had to stop in and say your artwork is amazing! You have some serious talent woman!!!

I like the premises for this. It reminds me of "Matched". I am certainly intrigued, keep posting!

They used the cheap excuse of, she was away with her sister for a year between seasons and that is why she has done a complete 180. I would have liked to see her transformation for myself.

You know, I used to like Morgana's character. But she just became so ridiculously over the top evil in such a short amount of time, that I just can't stand her anymore. In my opinion the writers short changed us a bit on that front.

Oh my goodness! It is so funny because i just watched the end of season 4 today! I loved this! It is sad, but remarkably well thought out. Such an interesting twist of fate. How did you come up with this? I applaud you! P

Wow, Obiquiet! These were both AWESOME! I've never read Harry Potter fanfiction before. You have become quite the amazing author over the years. I am impressed! Have you been writing any original stuff for publication? Because you totally should! I'd love to read it!

Yoda was the Jedi Master who instructed Obi-Wan.

Ah come on! Now that I'm "back" I need to get my post count to be higher than yours! I've been here since 99 ya know! And what do I have to show for it?

Thankyou, Tiana! And I have earned the right to troll.

Gimperdoodledandy! Oh how I have missed thee! It is fun to see that you come in here and post something now and again. I love your writing! I don't know what my problem is, because I seem to be the only confused one here. It must be my ADD. I think there are simply too many names being thrown at me at once, so I wasn't sure exactly what was going on and I have had to re-read a few times. But I do love your word choices and that you are able to use simple direct sentences. Something I have really been having to work on with my own writing lately is being too wordy. I do hope you are continuing to write, because you are just so gosh darn good at it!

I'm pretty good, Nat! I now have two little boys who keep me quite busy. One is 4 the other is 6 months. Still aspiring to finish my novels though. Some day... How have you been?

Haha! I didn't know you were posting here again, buttface! .

That is going to be the hardest part for me I think. I am terrible at summerizing! That's why I write novels! I want to read your story Ami!!

I think you used good imagery and it was a fast moving piece. I haven't read the series so there is an element of confusion as to what on earth is going on. There are a few fragmented sentences and grammatical errors, as has already been mentioned. But all things considered, I think you did a good job portraying the mood of the story. I liked it!

I didn't know you went to Africa, but then I am kind of out of the loop these days. . Anyhow, I love your discriptions, I think this would be a good excercise for any aspiring author. Nicely done!

Never thought I'd be posting in an actual serious story thread of yours, LAP. At least not as a civilian poster. But seeing as how I recieved a personal invite, I thought I'd check it out. Before I start my crit, just so you know, I have actually only read your first post so far. I don't have as much time as I used to... now that I've got a little boy and a husband to take care of . So I can't guarantee I'll be able to read any further. First of all, I liked the banter between Ara and her R4. That was cute, and it was a good way to begin the story with a little action, and also a bit of humor having her land in an unorthodox way. You have given Ara a personality, which is something I have noticed that a lot of guys seem to have a hard time doing with their female characters. Of course, that could just be because this is an RP and Ara gave herself enough of a personality that you were able to portray it here. I will never know. Next I wanted to add a little word of caution. In the first post you did introduce quite a few characters... That can get a bit hard to follow for some people. It's a lot of names to throw at someone in the beginning of a story. Just keep that in mind. I think you did well combining imagery and dialogue. There is a tendency for some writers to focus on one or the other. I didn't really focus on any spelling or grammatical errors, so I can't help you there. After editting my husband's english papers all semester, my editting skills are just about burnt out! So you are off the hook there on my part... if there were any to be found to begin with anyway. All in all I enjoyed the story, and had this been back in the day I probably would have kept up with reading it. It seems to flow well and it was able to catch my attention. I wish it hadn't taken you so long to get real serious about writing on this website. I do have one question though... why is this story stickied? Is that really fair to everyone else? Just asking.

Kiara's eyes welled up with pink and purple tears. "Lukie... gone? Us... serious?! It can't be so!" "Hey, Kiara... you've got a little something drooley right ..." Ami indicated Kiara's mouth. Kiara hastily took Lukie's special handkerchief that he reserved to offer only those whom he cared about the most... which was of course her... and dabbed daintily at her mouth. "It wasn't drool. My mouth was just glistening a little. A lady never drools." "Of course," Ami agreed. "Sure looked like drool to me," Darsha mumbled so quietly that no one heard her. "What do you mean? If no one heard her, then what was the point of even typing it?" Kiara demanded, folding her arms. "And what's with me only calling Lukie, Lukie? What happened to me calling him, Lukiepoohbucketofloveandeverythingthatishandsomeandcute?" Ahem. Well Kiara, your current narrator happens to be married. Kiara rolled her eyes. "Well I am not...." she glanced at Lukiepoohbucketofstuffthatishandsomebutnotashandsomeasthenarratorshusband... "Not yet that is anyway..." she stared at her master dreamily. Lukie did not seem to notice. fghkslad But then he did notice and he took her tiny hand in his. "Actually Kiara, there is something I have been meaning to ask you..." Kiara give me back the key board... No! You don't do it right! I am the narrator now, so you will have to deal with it. But... you can't just call him Lukie all the time! He is so much more than that! And you can't say your husband is more handsome than he is in his name! Ok, fine. I'll do better. You'd better. Meanwhile, everyone else was stand there drooling, because a certain primadonna character had decided to take up all of the narrator's typing. "Lukiepoohbucketoflove!!!! Make this narrator stop!" Kiara whined, hanging onto his hand. "Hey! That's my hand!" Ami cried, snatching it away from Kiara, and then conspicuously wiping at the drool er... glisten on her mouth. And then... (OC: Ami you did such a good job keeping with the traditions of the psychos! We wouldn't mind at all if you kept this up and wanted to keep them named the psychos! You kept the true spirit of the and then story! I LOVED it!)

Ami! It is so good to see you writing! I miss your stories! This was very good. I don't know the scene but you portrayed it in such a way that I was able to understand what was going on, even though I didn't know the characters or their back story. I don't mind a good song fic here and there! I even wrote one of my own once. Funny thought though... sometimes they remind me of soap operas, because they had a cheesy song/flashing scenes of one of the couples in it. but yeah... anyway, sorry for the rant. Loved it!

lol! Yeah, I figured it would seem like either a set up for them to eventually get back together, or for her to be the main character.... bad choice for a beginning. hehe. Well folks, after posting that, I made a major decision. And I have changed my opener yet again! What I keep doing is going on to the next scenes and saying... ok I'll begin it there instead. Well I have now gone 4 scenes down the road and I think I FINALLY may have a good opener. I need to change a few things so it will fit though. I am not sure if I dare post it so publicly though, because it will actually explain in better detail what my story is about. The first scene with Lorienna did not give the merest... well maybe the merest.... but hardly a clue as to what the story is about. So I felt safe posting it. I'll have to give some thought as to how I could post it.

DarthBrendo Posted: Why thank you! I am glad you agree. Thanks for the advice! Anakin T Skywalker Posted: Ah tanks! Though in truth, Lorienna is not really going to be a main character. This is the only scene she is in! Amidala Skywalker Posted: lol! Thanks Ami! You don't know how good it feels to get a review from you again! This is so fun! And now... for Tiana... whom I knew would be all over this! I was just waiting for your reply! I won't quote yours because it would make this post waaaaay too long. But I will reply. First of all, I don't mind the harsh critique at all! I figured you had the right since I was hard on your work. I am amazed at how well you were able to put into words the EXACT reason I decided to completely omit this beginning. I re-read it one day and realized that I wouldn't have read on myself! I was trying to portray the prince as a player... thus the flowery conversation... but I think I did a bad job of it. And I realized, this being the beginning page... well... I would have been embarrassed for people to think this was what the entire story would be like! I promise you, I am not a romance novelish writer. I was trying something different, but it just did not work. hehe. I do have to quote one line though... LOL!!!! That line really made me chuckle! And yes, I do have a problem with using the wrong spelling at times. I would of course, have editted more thoroughly, had I intended to publish it. This is really great! See, I am in a book writing club with my sister and my friend. Yes, there are only three of us... and yet we still call it a club. Ah well... anyway... Neither of them pointed out that this scene was too romancy-cheezyish! I had to decide that for myself... and then they agreed! I really need to get honest opinions! My sister is actually getting better at being honest. She is half the reason I keep re-writing the beginning scene. Not that I don't appreciate her input... I usually agree with what she says. So thanks so much for your harsh crit, Tiana! Your thoughts are along the very same lines of my own. It's good to know someone else agrees! Now the question... do I dare post my new beginning scene? Hmmm....

Ok folks... It has been a while since I posted anything. I have been doing only original work lately, so I just didn't have anything. The story behind this post, is that I have rewritten the beginning to my story so many times... and I just didn't want all that writing to go to waste. So I thought it couldn't hurt to post it since I had decided to go another direction. Let me know what you think... and if my decision to not go with this as the beginning was a good one or not. Let me know if you would have read on. Thanks guys! I'd appreciate the feed back. *** The twilit sky was smooth, unmarred by even the tiniest puff of clouds. Evening birds chirped in the trees surrounding the lake, and the air was warm and rich with the fragrance of distant roses in their annual early summer bloom. Welcoming its effects, Lorienna allowed herself a moment to relax into the rhythm of the lake's waters, which were forever lapping against the nature-made dirt wall. Indoors all of her unease and uncertainties had been smothering her, constantly hanging over her head and pressing in on her heart. But out in nature and on a warm summer's eve, it was as though a spell was cast over her fluttering heart, allowing her to become a part of the very world which pure nature created. It was much easier to forget her troubles out here. But all too soon, the sound of footfalls on a rocky terrain brought her head around and despite the calm atmosphere, her heart began to thump anew. In the coming twilight, she could see the figure of a young man forging his way down the path which she herself had taken just moments before. A dizzying excitement, and an unconscious pang of worry coursed through her veins as he approached, and she straightened her shoulders and prepared herself by displaying a smile which she hoped, did not betray her mixed emotions. What had she to fear from the man who held her heart and every happiness? He had thus far been a careful caretaker. So why the fear? The young man's face was barely discernable in the fading light, but she managed to see him return her smile. He stopped in front of her, and silence reigned as the young couple stared into one another's eyes. Lorienna had never seen eyes that were so blue; just the sight of them had a powerful effect on her baring. The young man affectionately brushed a few strands of hair from her face and gently tucked them behind her ear. He smiled again. ”œIt is good to see you again, Lady Lorienna,”

Just curious, is this something that actually happened to you? I can only imagine how... ugh... clostrophibic(sp?) I would be after such a thing. I think your style in fragmenting actually really worked with this vignette. It is told through the eyes of a person who is feeling very foggy. Truth is, I am actually very afraid of something like that happening to me. I have very strange random fears.

I am just going to take that comment out. Sorry for pmsing at you. I need to learn to stop being so defensive and critical. I need to just sit back, read and enjoy the story instead.