jedi_master_gimpy

I am SO glad you told me that! I was going by titles only, so I figured I needed to catch up on the first draft, read the in-between Epilogue in the regularly Library (turns out this is your revised draft!), and then move onto the second book's draft. I will transition to DA to catch up at least, but still comment in the newer thread you have going on in the normal library to leave short comments on where I'm at - no major reviews this go around unless something major stands out, since it's much more polished by your own account and I would enjoy the chance to mostly just sit back and enjoy! Don't expect to see me around the second book for a while yet. For Lamastus: Once I caught the "young" this go around I figured the "son" had to come from the difference in experience, but it's nice to have that confirmed. Since Lamastus is at least a reoccurring minor character if not a main character, I would definitely advocate making sure some reference to his age makes it into your current draft so that no one else gets this WAAAY off internal picture so close to his introduction. Past that, I'll let you know if there are any other scenes I discover added to this wrong mental picture and might require a second look.... but otherwise assume that now that I have the correct mental picture, it'll all be good... You definitely have a lot more weapons, strategy, etc knowledge than myself, so I'll definitely take your word that the accuracy and force of Syler's cut would make a clean and fast enough transient force to keep too much of the pressure from translating to Bronwyn. Just figured I'd mention it. I'll see you back in the normal library on your other thread....Toodles!

Hey Travis... Hoping you are around and will be alerted to someone posting here. Please let me know if you have an updated draft version I should be checking instead. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know that I have re-read through the end of Chapter 9 thus far in my attempt to catch up. It's a very enjoyable re-read, actually made quite a bit easier by having some memory of the people, places, political climate, etc from the first go around. Things are about to get CRAZY soon, from what I recall. I think I only noticed 2 things this time (past what I already knew was in the works) that are worth mentioning: In Chapter 5b when you first introduced Lamastus you mentioned him as a "young" man. A little while later, he tells Syler that "this is yours, son" (referring to Bronwyn's house). This surprised me, because I had this vision of Lamastus as a slightly grizzled if not quite old (perhaps mid-aged), and quite experienced soldier. I'm not sure if I completely missed the "young" descriptor before, was overwhelmed by the "son" comment that implies a decent age difference, or if there are continued traits that enforced this in my mind that I haven't gotten to yet in my re-read. Since I'm not sure about that yet, I thought I would at least mention the discrepancy - could be I just always formed an incorrect picture in my head! The other thing was in Bronwyn's vision from chapter 6 - and I'm not very knowledgeable at this point, but when I read it through it seemed like the soldier was still in the process of his second cut down Bronwyn's arm when Syler cut off his hand. Wouldn't this cause his cutting implement to dig further into Bronwyn? I don't think this is a huge deal - obviously he must have stopped the cut or Bronwyn would have been aware of that extra pressure in the vision - but it did make me stop and think. So, if a simple word choice or two can fix it then...there you go. Again... still... enjoying the re-read greatly and looking forward to getting to new stuff - somewhere around Chapter 19 or 20 is when I got too busy to kick around here last, methinks. I'll continue to drop little comments as I progress.

Hullo! I'm glad to see you're still working on your original series, Travis. I wasn't quite sure where to start with jumping back in, to be honest the sheer word count I recall from MoM is a bit daunting! I thought that I would swing by here first to sort of ease my way in... It's definitely a different style from what I recall of MoM and I'm enjoying the first-person perspective. It's a lot easier to simply sit back and enjoy this story - I think it's the narrative style, and also perhaps some more familiarity with the whole world - rather than the intense focus I recall more when reading MoM and trying to make sure I was catching all of the details. I'm also reminded that whenever I get into any battle in my own writing I should ping you for help on logistics and tactics, lol. I'm glad you're continuing to enjoy puttering around and adding to the world you've put so much time and effort into creating, I have no doubt you've created a rich back story and will have several short stories to come. I am curious to see more of this Coalition in action, or at least through Xaretines. I would really like to learn more about how they work and see more of Xaretines bleeding through this first-person narrative (journal), really taking advantage of the POV to give us a unique perspective. Some of that, of course, is limited by the fact that this is a journal meant to be viewed by others rather than a stream-of-consciousness approach, and I would expect with a time delay from the actual events that might dull them or change the perspective slightly. Still, I feel like outside of a few comments (mainly with regard to the abilities of the specific Sei villagers) it may as well be a 3rd person omniscient narration. The only things I've picked up so far with regards to Xaretines himself is a) his name, b) he's part of the Coalition, has abilities with magic, and in particular with killing large amounts of people, c) is probably middle-aged due to being above a fourth level wizard (is implied), and d) is perhaps a little cantankerous or snide based on a few of his comments. I found this statement extremely frustrating, because I thought it was very untrue and I definitely wanted to know more! So, here is my list of reader demands: All we know about Xaretines is that he came to try to keep the Koshi from fully conquering the Kingdom of the Sei and gaining the attention of the East. 1. What we don't know is how well-spread knowledge of the Coalition is (it seems to be like they would be working almost in the shadows), so I doubt he could simply introduce himself to the village of Praten an have everyone suddenly behind him... although merely mentioning his magic abilities would be enough considering their disarray. How did he even get there? Did he have to travel through the land until he found a way past the battle lines to where a good confrontation point might be, or does the Coalition allow him to somehow have real-time access (via magic?) to the knowledge that might help him target where to go and where his opposers are? 2. Who is the intended audience that Xaretines expects to read this account and for what purpose? The one comment he had on this seems to indicate that it's an account to bring hope to others who feel like they are stuck in an inescapable situation, so I was would assume that it's almost a memoir that would end up as a scroll in a few dusty libraries or keeps or something, however even to a "general" audience Xaretines would be influenced by the knowledge base he thinks the readers would have. - Would he fully want to reveal what the Coalition does to them, or is this a good thing to expose the potential danger to the West? - Would knowing that the Sei or Koshi may read this impact the ways he portrays them, or as a member of the Coalition does he not care? - Where did Xaretines come from before he became part of the Coalition? Does this bias him in any way? - Would Xaretines emphasis more of how intimidating the problem was (which you've started to do already in a basic layout of the forces and grounds) to fit the theme of the journal? If he's writing to encourage, would he continue to emphasize how intimidating it was to him? 3. When did he write this? Not that you have to explicitly lay it out, but the details might be more fuzzy or compacted if it's looking back many years later, etc. What would still seem the most important to convey at that time? I don't think that you're ignoring any of these questions in what you have so far, in fact I think you're at least hinting at several of these, but having it firmly in mind if you don't already might help add some more focus and Xaretines' character in the narrative perspective. The whole Coalition idea really intrigued me, if you can't tell - so I want to know how the details of this all work out! Anywho, I think this is an intriguing start to a short story, and if you can't already tell, you've piqued my interest with both the plot and style already! Looking forward to more of this, as well as popping over to the Shelves next to re-read and then move forward in MoM, although I probably will stay more on the read side and have very limited review posts for the sake of catching up in a timely manner. Looks like you have a separate Epilogue and the start of the next book as well?

Interesting cross-over idea... It was a quick and enjoyable read, and I think that the Sherlock cast was very well in-character (granted, for John being in one of his annoyed-at-Sherlock moods). The interactions of Sherlock and John (with everyone else as well as each other) had me grinning, especially that continued nod to the "are they together" joke. Harry and Ron seemed in-character as well (for the small bits we saw, at least!), with what I would consider a very accurate age transition to be still what we're familiar with, only older. Per some of the other comments, I think some of the changes in POV or the knowledge certain characters have would need a little more work if you leave this as a standalone piece, but if you choose to add chapters as you mentioned then it would be fine to expand forward instead of explaining it all here. I could assume that Sherlock has already been suspecting magic even if he doesn't know Harry personally, being familiar with his blunt genius, but to fully flesh out the work it could be hinted at later, etc... However, I would still try to limit the viewpoints - main focus and most of the story from Dudley's POV, with limited snippets from Watson and Harry? Enough to help us merge the fandoms, but not always jumping around as much as this chapter does? What I found most interesting was Dudley's character, to be honest. What an interesting take on a reformed, functioning, supposedly intelligent (to be an inspector) version of Dudley, who is plagued by remorse and a need to find forgiveness from Harry. I found Harry's quick response very believable, but I will second Brendo's comment on being quite surprised by his profession. It's difficult to transition the Dudley we saw - dull-witted, and as slow on his feet as in his head - with an inspector. The eye-opening transformation and attempt to make up for all those years of abuse which Harry suffered made sense, but I would definitely like to see more of how this transition came about, perhaps with some hints as to how he "woke up" mentally as well, etc? Thanks for the enjoyable read, I do hope your friend convinces you to add those additional chapters or nudges you into expanding this one a bit.

I have to second (third...fourth?) what everyone else said - this was a really fun, enjoyable, and sweet read. I thought it was very well done for a first go back at writing after 6 years, although you seem to insist against that. I really like the simplicity of it. Yes, there is a kingdom and all that, but we don't have some giant drama ... the story is really just about a boy and a girl, two best friend, and the deep love that grows between them. It was believable and knowable, if that makes sense? I can feel Zae's emotion, understand it and struggle on her behalf. I also really enjoyed the slight touch of magic you added. It is a very unique and intriguing idea, and definitely added some depth to this particular tale. You could add a little more detail in on this, but overall I liked how you chose to remain focused on their perspective, and what Zae would or wouldn't know about this bonding process. It fit very well with the pace and feel of the story. Thanks for sharing!

M/W/F posts, eh? I count several missing weeks.... Are we gonna get more soon?

*clears throat as subtle reminder that Ami should continue to work on this....*

Okay, so I read chapters 17-19 this time, and the bad news is that I had a long response written out and my computer promptly crashed. I really didn't have the energy to go back and duplicate it, but I think that I recall all of my "bigger" comments, and your editor will hopefully catch anything small. Chapter 17 - I love the giant leaps forward we are making in plot and understanding Syler's purpose and abilities! I thought the discussion tying together all of the various religions was interesting, but what really grabbed my attention was the vision where Syler confronts the Elements themselves. This was really interesting, and I liked how you showed us from the start the various struggles within the Elements themselves. It was pretty easy to tell that Crusos was a bad guy! I had to laugh when you posted the picture of the sentinel from Thor, because throughout your description of Erastmus I kept having this niggling feeling that he reminded me of someone, and as soon as that picture showed up I remembered who! Chapter 18 - Overall I think you did a really good job with the conversation between Syler and Bronwyn. I thought you extrapolated very realistic emotions on Bronwyn's side and portrayed it pretty well, something which is usually not easy to do in a more extreme scenario such as this! I remember thinking that there were a few places I would suggest relatively minor tweaks to smooth it out, but that it wouldn't be easy to convey in a response anyways, so if you're interested let me know and perhaps I'll PM you with them. The only more major tweak I had was the progression leading towards the "fade to black." (Quick side note - I appreciate the tactful way you did this and, while you did break your promise , I could see the reason you put it in after Syler's firm decision not to sleep with Bronwyn without loving her, Bronwyn's subsequent rape, and now it being a sign of deep, caring love and healing on both sides). I guess my one concern with that is yes, Bronwyn is now feeling secure in Syler's love and fully healed, both of which could create a very exuberant and impulsive action, but at the same time, she has been raped so recently! Especially considering that most of the time since that occurred (i.e .buffer time to get over it) was spent unconscious, something which you, yourself recognized, this would still be fresh in her mind or automatic responses. I don't think that it makes this sex scene impossible at this time, since it does have a good placement in the plot for those other reasons, but rather that she seemed to be completely unaffected by the rape once she had talked it out with Syler, and trying to imagine my reactions after a similar event I'm just not sure that's possible. Bronwyn has no idea what a gentle and loving touch in this intimate way could be like, so I would imagine a little hesitance, a few stops and starts, maybe even an initial flinch before she catches herself. Syler, being the man he is, would probably purposefully ask if if this is okay with her and remind her it is not the same. I think you briefly touched on this: but I think that you could expand it a little more to give us even more emotion without having to change the rating of the scene at all. Chapter 19 - I'm glad to see the gang reunited! I was only a little way into this chapter when my computer crashed, so I do have more in-depth comments for the majority of it. I do like how you continue to note the differences in culture that make for misunderstandings - or potential trouble, later! I think there needs to be a comma after the "you," and the use of "dearie" seemed really strange to me. I know that obviously it's a sarcastic word choice, but even with sarcasm it seemed out of place for Growald. Maybe give him more of a sneer when he says it and that would help? So I think I understand what you were trying to convey about why Growald did things the way he did - by touching the power once he had a vague idea that it was possible for him to save Bronwyn and a small understanding that ti was connected to the red haze. Nonetheless, this paragraph was really confusing and almost made it harder to grasp that rather than easier, particularly from sentence #2. Is there another way to make that more clear? I wasn't sure if you were using "me" to emphasize a sarcastic tone or not. So, if not, it should be "my," and if so, I would strengthen Growald's voice tone by changing it from not being devastated to outright saying a mocking tone. LOL! Good thing Bronwyn is there to wisely remind him when he might need to shut up. I thought the confirmation process made sense, sad as it was. When taken in conjunction with the prophecies, the Master of Magic would come without knowing what he is (and therefore without a background in controlling magic), so the fact that he can defeat someone using it confirms his control of the Magic (specifically, his control over the magic around him rather than an inherent ability to create it himself, at least in this case) as well as serves as a teaching point in how to use his abilities, similar to the healing of Bronwyn. Similarly, Avenil's family line and actions thus far made it quite believable that he would have no qualms stepping forward to death in order to bring about this confirmation - clearly, he had committed himself fully to this role already. At the same time, I thought you did a good job of keeping Syler's character intact (both as the Master of Magic perceived by Avenil and Vekla, and Syler as we know him already) by the forced hand to bring about his confirmation - everyone expected he would not want this seemingly unnecessary bloodshed. Also, the fact that the absolute force of those magic attacks was never seen on Syler made it impossible to guess that one single blast turned back on Avenil would kill him. If Syler had been aware, I have no doubt he would have tried to strike Avenil's leg or the ground around him, but this again goes back to prophecy and the fact that Avenil knew he would have to die. All very interesting how it ties together! I like how even prophecy has given Syler clear paths to learn some of his abilities. I think my one critique for this battle would be that you tell us more about his friends when they find themselves held at knife point. It seems almost like an aside - suddenly they're at knife point, but still the conversation is centered between Avenil and Syler. This seemed strange to me - I would have expected an attempted scuffle from Lamastus or Growald even if quickly subdued, a lingering look from Syler to Bronwyn in particular, perhaps an exasperated or indignant comment from Havert, etc... As to how to progress? Wowsers! Wonder which one it will be for her? Okay, so I understand how defeating the lan leader would also immediately transfer this title to Syler, but it did seem a little strange that the conversation immediately and completely shifted from the Master of Magic to this. I can handle the fact that Syler is in denial of what he will do, even if it still seems a little weird immediately after a crazy battle like that. On the other hand, for Vekla, even dazed by her father's death it seems she would be fully immersed and pointed towards the Master of Magic - her whole family was involved in this role. That said, it seems like she would focus first on his confirmation and second on being Lord of Thwrud, and this would follow for the whole conversation after, rather than the other way around... especially considering her father just gave his life for that. She's a strong woman, I imagine her arguing more instead of having nothing to say. Just my opinion, but it didn't feel quite right to me. Now free, were walking, out to the. That needs to be a question mark, not an exclamation mark. You've already told us he was yelling, so the extra emphasis is understood. I thought we would have to wait much longer to discover Crusos' price (okay, so we've only discovered it in part...)! Too bad he found just the right button to push to keep Syler under control already... Why do I have the feeling that Syler won't want to have to obey that final call any more than he does now? On Vekla-Avenil connection, I could completely understand how Syler missed it. I had, too! When meeting so many people, parts of a name can fall out of the memory quickly. If he had realized that, I'm sure he would have reacted differently in the battle. At the same time, Bronwyn is as (or possibly more) discombobulated as Syler since they're arrived at the Krue. She missed Vekla's formal introduction at the forest boundary and awoke after the introduction to Avenil. With all of her joy and fearful sorrow, even in subsequent introductions she could have missed it. So, I was almost more surprised that she caught it than that Syler missed it. Granted, understanding Krue could have helped her overhear this connection outside of introductions. I think you could add some mention of how she knew this to help make it more plausible. [big breath.] Alright, done. Three more chapters down in the crazy catch up. Still liking this a lot!

Haha, thanks! It's difficult... I think I can count on one hand the number of fiction books he's read since I've known him, however he far outstrips me in the nonficton. Sounds like your husband likes to be active! I'm siding with you for the most part, though. For me I think the defining part between Gale and Katniss is that while both of them deeply cared for the other (yup, we'll never know for sure if love was a part of it), but Gale would always be trying to prove himself (because Katniss never wanted or looked for a husband, and thus wouldn't be seeing him in that manner) and Katniss would always feel guilty for whatever she felt or didn't feel. Whether it's revisions to this one or your Haymitch vig, definitely post them when you're ready... looking forward to them already!

Haha, okay, good point. Nah, probably not necessary. I'm able to guess major plot points of books, movies, and TV shows probably 80% of the time, and often things other people don't notice (trying to be factual and not toot my own horn, so apologies if that sounds conceited). It didn't come across as overt, and just because I'm guessing too close means you need to make it more vague, methinks. Right now it's at a point where very, very few readers might guess it, but for the most part it's just providing the character needed to make Growald real and not make his future revelations seem to character. I'd keep it. Overall you actually have a lot more history and descriptions than I normally see already, except perhaps when comparing to Tolkien. I think you could definitely add more, especially descriptions pertaining to immediate environment or instances, but (my opinion) I would actually be careful about adding too much more description and history that it begins to bog down the story. For instance, I might love Tolkien's work immensely, but there's a reason The Hobbit is my favorite over LotR - it always keeps moving, whereas LotR has a couple points (such as Tom Bombadil) that add nothing to the plot and are okay for the first 3 pages, but start to get old for the next 15... I think you can definitely add some more in without reaching that point, but it would also be easy to cross the line. You've developed a rich cultural background here and it amazes me - I'm not sure I'm capable of that. The thought you've gone into is necessary to execute the depth and intricacy you've shown in the story this far, but all of that thought on actual paper for the story might be too much for the reader to take in. I think you're already aware of this from what you mentioned about not putting all your thought regarding prophecy down on paper, but just a reminder. In other words, sounds like there is very specific reasons it was worded the way it was.... I'll be watching to find out why. Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning! Or, in other words, onward! Chapter 15 Wow, things are really starting to happen quickly now! Not just the big confrontation, but arriving at their first major stop and the introduction of a whole new race. And I have to say, the Krue are pretty dang amazing! Of course, no matter what I think I don't think I can beat Ami's words, so I'll just second her! The proper build-up between dialogue at Growald and Syler's last fight might have been off, but there was no sign of that here. The argument/discussion was believable and well thought out. As I recall you had some concern that it would make sense why Syler continued forward away from his sister, but I thought you handled it well: his decision made complete sense. Smart man - seems to have a lot of good guesses! I'm still wondering if he's Uthas' man to keep the Shallktra away, although in that case I wouldn't expect him to implicate Uthas... unless he has second thoughts of his own allegiance. I didn't look back to check, but as I recall the guide is supposed to be among the Krue. Bronwyn's abilities as a seer seems to be pushing Syler on towards his destiny. It's quite curious how Growald knows so much but has determined that he can't even tell Syler almost anything. I definitely felt my heart pick up a bit when they spotted the Shallktra behind them - I could just picture them cresting the hill to attack! I just knew that it would end up being the Krue who saved them. Oh,wow, I would not want to get on her bad side! Grammatical fixes: Remove one "just" for a little more diversity. Interesting line.... I don't quite agree, since as mentioned he didn't approve of the torture going on, yet at the same time I think the idea of him being a brute in a different uniform is true to a certain, if not identical, extent. "Hadn't" should be "hasn't." There should be a question mark after "insane," not an exclamation mark. In addition, since the sentence ends there the use of "exclaimed' does not work (it's a uncapitalized and a fragment). The timbers were visible, whereas if Subeleth Woods was the subject then "was" would be correct. Also, you have "behind them" twice in the second sentence and need a comma before "moving with tremendous speed." Awkward wording in the second sentence, IMO. I think it would read cleaner and less repetitive to simply pull an "even in her semi-conscious state" into the first sentence and delete the second. Remove the first and last commas in order for the whole sentence to flow better. "They" should be "the." The pursuit should tumble to the ground, not into it. Place a comma after "helmets," also the distinction between dark and black seemed so trivial that the mention was strange, even though I know you're trying to indicate mostly black hair rather than a whole army of brunettes. Just my opinion, but I think there's probably another way which you could word it? Also, the very next sentence seems confusing - he can tell enough of what color their hair is from a distance even despite hoods and war paint because there are no helmets, and he can tell that the women have their hair in braids even though he can't see how long their hair is? Chapter 16 Things are really starting to happen - it's fantastic! Another solid chapter in action and description. I can't wait to continue seeing more of the Krue, they seem like such interesting and decisive people. In particular - I'm so excited to start getting answers about Syler, and having him survive a fireball really opens the flood of information with a bang! Or rather... with a flame. I have to admit, I'm a little bit confused about the Guide/Guardian bit. The Guide was supposed to come from the Krue, and specifically be a woman from Subeleth, correct? (My guess is Velka!) There wasn't a mention of a guardian in the prophecy that I can recall, at least the parts we saw, but it makes sense for Growald's role. My point of confusion is that Velka calls Growald the guardian a few times, but then also calls him the guide... isn't that a separate role? ("You have an interesting way of interpreting your duties, Guide.") I think it's great how this prophecy stuff plays out. Growald still gets Syler safely to the Krue, but that has nothing to say what his end plans are or whether he truly seeks Syler's good in this... it only means that the prophecy was fulfilled at and this point he was a help rather than a hindrance. It'll be interesting to see how it all turns out... My one other minor critique in this part is Velka's response when she approaches Syler the first time. Can you describe this a bit differently? Her "cautious" approach seems a bit out of place with his utter confusion and between her leaping from her hasuan and walking straight up to him. So much is beginning to make sense! I liked the peak back at what was happening in the Angvardi Imperial Palace. We're learning a lot more about how the Empress operates, and, as Ami said, I think that Raella is going to have a few rude awakenings! Did you mean anecdote? Even then, I'm not sure that this is supposed to be a humorous saying or not? Remove first "on." Need to add a "no" near the beginning of the sentence. Not positive on the correct grammar for this, honestly, but I think you need to remove the "to" after "bastard king"? Just my opinion, but I tend to think that hyphens work better than the repeated words to indicate this kind of stuttering. Need to rework your sentences here so that you don't have a fragment. Celienna (non-possessive form), and I would recommend moving the comma in the last sentence from after "finished" to after "released him" instead. How is wood the primary source (indicating other sources are also there) and yet everything? Are you switching from building materials to an observation of other objects?

Wow, talk about a whole lot of progress! I didn't expect Selim to start getting answers until he met up with the brothers, but it's already started, at least in terms of his abilities! Really, I guess that opens up a lot more possibilities for how it works. If he already knows some but feels uncomfortable or overly proud if his abilities, he might be more likely to hide it from them, and thus make this all that much more complicated. I thought this post was really good at overall development. We have Selim and Mandy moving forward in location towards the Elric brothers, continuing to figure out their balance as traveling companions, we learned quite a bit more about Mandy, and Selim learned at least part of what he can do with the shadows! Really, just the fact that they are shadows adds something so sinister to the ability, and you've done a good job of making Selim seem to continually skirt at the edges of "how will he use this," even if it never seems like he would purposefully choose to do evil. It's just always... you know... his pride. The fact that using his shadow powers completely drains him makes sense, but it also will act as a dangerous/good (depending on the situation) limiting factor. Anyway, it's a solid update, can't wait to see how Mandy reacts once he gets the chance to tell her! I did notice a larger number of smaller grammatical problems than normal, though. They're all quick fixes: I liked all the details about the stream and washing up that added character, but remove the extra comma after "stream" "Lead" should be "led," and "parents' car" instead of "parents car." Should be "Corrins' " since you're referring to the Corrins' wagon. Earshot is one word. Should just be station, singular. Looking forward to the next installment!

Yay! I really enjoyed the books, although I'm still waiting to see the movie. Hopefully on Saturday! My husband didn't finish the book until Tuesday so we could go, but the fact that I got him to read a fiction book after all was pretty good. I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of Gale. I mean, I don't dislike him and the way he turned all of his anger at the situation into purposeful action against the Capitol with a 'no limits' type of mentality was realistic but not something that made me comfortable. That said, I think you did a good job highlighting what the first games might have been like for him, which is something that is not really touched on in the books. I liked how you had him watch some parts and unable to watch others, and yet not able to keep from hearing what was happening whether he wanted to or not. I imagine that is precisely how it would work. I did notice two minor fixes: 'To' should be 'too.' I think you're missing a 'be' in there. I also had a slightly different opinion of Gale's reactions at two points, but I think it's probably just how I'd read and developed his character in my own mind versus what is kosher from the books, and I may also be adding in more back story from the other two books than what he necessarily feels at the start of this. I was thinking that Gale had already made several long rants in the woods by this time, so 'indignation' sounded like a more minor upset by it rather than the burning rage I would imagine him feeling. Again, might just be my opinion of how he's handling this stuff, though! This sounded a little too much like running away to me, and while, granted, there are some events which haven't happened yet, he wasn't going to run away... he was going to fight. I was thinking about it and realized that wanting to fight, even here, could still be worded as leaving the desperation of the Seam and finding a better way to get by, but it doesn't seem to fully encapsulate his anger and determination to make the Capital pay rather than just escape from the situation. I did like how you emphasized that he's watching from the crowd, though, since it emphasizes the distance between them right now, and how responding to the "haunted look [in] her eyes" - what Katniss has specifically been forced to endure now - has only strengthened his resolve. I liked it - short and sweet - but would definitely not be opposed should you decide to come back and make this a longer vig when it's not 5am...

An update! I like how you fit the events purposefully driving this story seamlessly between the normal activities of the Jedi temple. Corran's one of my favorite characters, although it's been quite a while since I've read a book with him. I can't remember whether he used his illusions during regular sparring with a Jedi partner vs against the real "bad guys"... although I might be forgetting a couple battles between him and Ganner Rhysode, because I definitely could see him pulling it out then! Whatever the case, I loved that you pulled in that nod to Corran's special abilities. I suggest moving the sentence starting "Corran sighed.." down to a new paragraph with "I'll get in the air." Then, another new paragraph to start off with Mara. When I first read it, until I read about Corran heading to the hangar I was really unsure who had answered that - Mara or Corran. I think the paragraph re-arranging might help distinguish that a little better. I had a little more trouble with the logistics, although not writing execution, of the second part. I hadn't perceived Miel as being quite as advanced enough to tackle so many pirates for what seemed like quite an amount of time before being unable to handle the new tactics; in part because, as you mentioned, all of the new Jedi Order are starting their training much later in life. Granted, she has been a warrior for her whole life if not in possession of a light saber, but this still struck me as perhaps a little beyond her abilities? Outside of that, I did like the descriptions of being immersed in the Force but slowly tiring as more and more gets through her guard - I thought you did a good job with that. Not many Jedi are capable of absorbing the energy from a blast, although maybe just enough to keep it from inflicting quite as much damage. I would expect the blaster to be on 'kill,' which means that the damage would be burned skin (even with most energy absorbed) unless you intended for her to fully/mostly absorb the energy but be unable to dissipate it expect through the a slightly explosive force, resulting in the broken ribs and enough force to break her leg on landing as well. Moving on to the third part, I liked how you skipped showing us what Soren actually did. Granted, of course, I'd like to know exactly who's taking him over and all, but it was a great build up to the mystery. Also, since none of the Jedi are aware of what happened (and I don't think Soren really knows what he did or how), it makes sense that it seemed to happen without true explanation or comprehension, but simply came back to the aftermath. The description of the pirates is the one other part where it seemed a little off to me. A small hole for the killing blow makes sense - it speaks to a single, confident kill blow that shows Soren's abilities - which is what was really being displayed here. While a few cauterized cuts might be found in addition to a killing blow when fighting another Jedi (or Sith), when fighting against a blaster the wounds should pretty much be deflected blaster bolts or the death blow, not lots of little close-up cuts, I would think? If the goal of the description is just to show Soren's proficiency, you could probably focus on the small hole or a precisely deflected blaster bolt instead of focusing so much on cuts, unless there is additional focus of cuts where there shouldn't be (this might point to a sadistic Sith Lord in Soren's head) . Anywho, just my thoughts on that. Is the Republic supposed to have a strong enough presence on Yavin to have a clean up crew ready like that, or was it supposed to come in from Telos in aide of the attacked ship? I liked how Corran, Mara, and Tionne to a smaller extent were playing curious investigators in the aftermath scene. It seems to suit them all quite well in this case!

Nice ending to the tale of Stanley! Definitely my favorite line! Of course, I'm still glad that you ended with a nice throwback to Johnny Cash. Overall, a very amusing read Vaderman!

I keep learning new things about Vader! I can imagine it is quite impossible for him to whisper.

Ugh... it is taking so long to catch up! I mean, I like reading the story a lot, but I constantly feel the pressures of being behind, lol! Ok, got through Chapters 13 & 14 this time, had lots of comments on 13 in particular. since it's easy to just go into specific comments, I did want to stop and specifically say that I am still greatly enjoying the large story you're rolling out before us, with all of its intricacy. Chapter 13 Very cool tie-in to the battle. I guess that's the thing about prophecy, eh? The governor and Growald (not together per se, although I wouldn't be surprised if they were at least partially in league together) figured that if they put Syler in a situation where he was sure to be angry and sure to have to fight, there was a good enough change it would at least start this sequence to come to "full realization" if not finish it. It also reminded me that while we're still rooting for a hero that makes the right, moral choices (which Syler is struggling to continue to do), he is not a hero which comes out neat and squeaky-clean. He's meted out punishment to the death on some people who could arguably not deserve it (punishment for wrong-doing or omission of right, yes, but an offensive death.... maybe not) and will undoubtedly do so again in the future, even if (we hope) he settles down to resolutely, if not happily, destroy evil more calmly. I think it's a more gritty development than many I've seen - more Batman than Aragorn, if that makes sense? Anywho, it makes for very interesting and real character development while still solidly keeping a hero we can root for. Two particular nitpicks: This sentence stood out to me as particularly passive voice when it had no need to be. I would suggest remove "served to" and change "send" to "sent" to make it more active voice. Change one of the uses of "plan" to another word for more variation. I'm still figuring out what I think of Growald. My impression of him did go up when he gave the noble speech of action against evil for the safeguarding of the helpless, and yet even then I would hope he regrets the loss of life (as Syler does). This aspect seems to be missing - any means to serve the goal, and I'm still not certain that his end goals and motivations will be fully aligned with where they should be. He seems to want to use Syler like a tool, just as Uthas, to accomplish whatever of Syler's purposes align with his but only to that extent - anywhere they diverge paths, I think he would willingly mislead or even destroy Syler... just like Uthas. And speaking of which - man, poor Bronwyn! You have definitely just changed the entire landscape of the rest of the book with this pain and limitation (exactly like Uthas planned, even if he never meant her to find refuge from the pain at all). Hopefully Syler will be able to fully restore her to health somehow! I do have to say that while this chapter seemed equally planned as the others in regard to dialogue and specifically moving forward the plot with regards to Bronwyn's affliction, character development with Bronwyn, Syler, Growald, and getting the group split up and out of the city, I don't think the execution was as good as other chapters. There were a few missing words and a lot of places which needed commas in my estimation, but mainly what was missing was the action, tone, and description to surround and support the dialogue. I think this was most evident with the skirmish between Growald and Syler, as other alluded to, but it was missing throughout the entire chapter. Whether it was Syler waiting for Bronwyn to speak, either him or Growald growing angrier, or Alltis turning away in disgust you are not using the emotional impact which could be present to its fullest, and in some places the sudden mentions seem out of place without the build up which would make them natural. Here are just a few examples pulled out, but you need to work on it throughout the chapter. I know from earlier discussions that these are some of the parts you struggle with most. Not saying anything doesn't do justice to Bronwyn's damaged withdrawal or the helplessness Syler feels in the face of it. Tell us about Bronwyn staring straight ahead with empty, haunted eyes, not seeing any of the people walking or talking in front of her. Tell us about how she doesn't seem to hear her speak her name, about how her limbs or leaden and must be prompted to movement by someone else, how she shivers suddenly for no reason. Tell us how Syler needs to do something to help her, and so he gets up to try to help her by getting them out of the city because he is helpless to bring her out of her damaged world right then. This is just one snippet of this building-up-to-a-fight scene, but it is symptomatic of this whole part. Within three sentences he goes from burying his face in sadness to trying not to yell. Granted, that's feasible, but it needs a little more coaxing to make it so. Here's an example alternative, although more drawn out than what you need to constantly keep up throughout the dialogue: I do agree with you that adrenaline would still be a part of this battle, but I would argue that while Growald is still running on adrenaline and stamina, having been trained for longer hauls, Syler is already more than exhausted and would not doubt start losing adrenaline to pure exhaustion as soon as they reached their hiding place. He's not trained to sustain himself past the actual battle, nor does he consider it his responsibility to get them out past this point, despite still having the goal to. So yes, he is still angry and touchy, but I would argue that he is fighting for bursts of adrenaline but mostly through exhaustion, versus Growald's more level-headed stamina. My last critique is that I wouldn't expect Bronwyn to able to so carefully verbalize all of her pain in neat, descriptive sentences while still in a semi-comatose state for the majority of the time. She could explain somewhat or in more stilted sentences perhaps, and a more full description of it later when she has had a day to recover and seems to be more capable of movement, speech and though, but she seems to jump from non-responsive to brief, strange moments of complete and clear conversation almost too cleanly. Chapter 14 I thought that this chapter was back to the level of earlier works - again, I think having a lot of action mixed with dialogue is much more natural for you to write. I have to say, the more I see Alltis and Havert together the more I lik them together. And I'm glad that Lamastus joined them, although it does screw with the group dynamics! I was slightly confused, though - in his explanation it seemed like he was out patrolling the farmlands and yet able to easily run to Syler's house. Was he on a rotation back in the city for the night to rest and thus able to do this? Or did he actually slip away from his patrol then, rather than just after Syler made his "break" for it. I'm not convinced that the assassin was aiming to kill Bronwyn, although clearly that is the most obvious conclusion to all of them at this point. If Growald or one of his men was reporting to Uthas it's possible he would know by now that the curse didn't work, but it seems highly unlikely. And even if he did, I don't think the answer would be to kill her. That would allow Syler to focus again too quickly, and he'd be gunning directly for revenge rather than completing his task, most likely. The other options for the operative is that he was just to report and bring back information on their progress and whether the spell worked, or to kill any other companions with the two of them to keep them isolated, aka Havert and Alltis. And... I just have to throw it out because I love guessing, even though I find it highly unlikely in this case and hope it's not since I really like Lamastus as a character, but it's always possible that he is the operative. Just saying. Speaking of which.. Was this remark simply because this happened on Uthas' watch and he did not allow them to intervene, or does Lamastus know enough to realize that Uthas has the power to wield a spell like that or might have been involved? I'm not sure if it is known that the Governor can do magic to those who have lived there longer or not. I really like how you showed us some of the expanding ripples from Syler fulfilling the prophecy. I'm interested to see how you continue to use the princess and the prophet, and what prophecies or events they are reacting to (obviously the Master of Magic to some extent, but the details). Past that, the minor critiques are: Outside of the not completely coherent part, it reads like you just saw the same thing twice - granted, they are slightly different in that the first is frequency and the second is duration, but it just reads really funny, and almost contradictory because of the "but." Take one of those edges out. Outside f that, I think Ami caught all of the other grammatical stuff I noticed on this chapter. I would second her comment on better explaining the bedrolls and where the supplies came from. You should be able to do it within two sentences, and it's much better than having the reader think that they are surviving by magic fairy deliveries. To the point of Growald (you and Ami also had a dialogue on this) - I know you're talking about test readers as well and part of that may be reading it in various sittings, but from what I recall (without having gone back to confirm) the mission planning seemed pretty cordial. Even though they still needed each other somewhat, you could add a little more arguing or at least teeth-cleaning to heighten the idea of the continued level of dislike - I think it would be worthwhile to specifically to an editing pass-through with that in mind. While a lot of the reasons you mentioned in your post to Ami are easily understandable and perhaps subtly there, it wasn't enough to register a strong impression. When you have Syler hold back because he doesn't think it worth it or the right time, a lot of times it is done with a brief mention and so we don't catch the full level of tension which is there. My two cents. Still trying to catch up!

Hmm, I thought you had done a pretty good job of highlighting Anakin's distrust of the Jedi and thus why he would not go directly to them with Palpatine's true character. It never stood out as a blaring gap to me, although everyone has their own opinion, and truly I would probably have to go back and re-read it with that specific question in mind to give you a final answer... something I don't have time to do at the moment. It sounds to me like the real point of debate is 1) what is Anakin's number one goal, and 2) what is he willing to do to accomplish that? It sounds like for #1 you have mostly the same list but different time frames in mind (i.e. rescuing his mother and friends right away vs thinking she'll be free and happy later, but need to still protect her from the Tusken Raiders). And #2 is definitely a difference in opinion, and I can see the validity of both sides but it depends on two different Anakins to move forward either way - in one he has to be wholeheartedly ready to do whatever it takes to get rid of Palpatine, and in the other he still has to be haunted by the past and beliefs he's held for some time. I think moving forward with an emphasis on the second part was a very valid option and you did it well. So... yeah. I thought it was fine and Anakin's fear of the Jedi not taking him seriously and completely turning on him instead was valid with his history, or even just being unable to take action within the bureaucracy. If you're still very concerned, consider this an excellent writing exercise. Lay out your assumption of the characters and their reactions again. Go through the story and make sure it's clear and you've laid the necessary ground work for each decision without having giant brain-dumps of inner monologues. Add another instance of him starting to explain what being shut down or stopped part way through. Not necessary, in my opinion, but reader input is always something good to consider. My $0.02.

Cool! Based on your name, I am assuming that your RP character is still tied to the Skywalker line through Luke? This continues to look like it will be a very unique SW story compared to so much of what I've seen in the past - it definitely intrigues me. This isn't a side of the Hapes Consortium we've seen before, that's for sure! At first I was thinking that an orphanage of girls didn't make sense in that type of matriarchal society. There's a reason that we see so many girls who are orphaned here, simply because they are often seen as less valuable and more of a drain on family assets without the contribution or honor a son will bring. In Hapes the opposite would be true, so I would expect many more young boys as orphans there. At the same time, I could see there being a smaller number of girls nonetheless, but either from refugees or drunkards (as you said - unable to care for anyone else or with different customs) or more so, children out of wedlock who cannot be allowed to usurp the officially recognized daughters. You mentioned that you had trouble portraying in words what you have your head. I think my main question for you (which will hopefully help) is whether you wanted the reader to fully experience the events through Tirzah or to feel like we are more a fly on the wall but privy to her thoughts to some extent. There is a difference in the distance between us happening with the story or watching it, and either works but they will certainly read different. I think the first case really highlights having to rely on other sense, but the second may allow you to track details happening around Tirzah more clearly. I felt more like I was watching what Tirzah was doing rather than experiencing through her, I think due to some of the way things were portrayed, as Andon mentioned - focus on other senses. For example, take this paragraph: And trying to focus on the other senses: I really like how you have Tirzah describe things she wants to see with her eyes in terms of her other senses, such as when she can "hear the water rushing by with her eyes" in her dreams. Those are great details that remind us of how differently she experiences the world - although I imagine you have to really put yourself in the correct mindset to set down and write it! Clearly she has the Force, and this, combined with her brilliantly white eyes and the intro, make me think that her blindness is rather special/different and tied to her identity. It seemed like there was some inconsistency in how well Tirzah could function, I noticed. In the second part Gutta pointed out that she seemed to know where things or people are (something I've seen done with other blind people using the Force). However, before that you have Tirzah stumbling across the room with her hands in front, changing sluggishly, slammed by the door. This makes it seem like she does not know at all what is around her outside of the few things (9 steps to the door) she has picked up in her one night. Did Gutta hear that from the people Tirzah was staying with, and it's only when she has had time to adjust and her emotions aren't as high that she can sense where things are around her? Would a danger sense from the Force allow her to pull back at the door and still get hit, but not as hard as she would have otherwise? You can develop these answers over time, but make sure you are consistent and purposeful in which way you go. I liked the second part of the chapter with Ashley, it was easy to jump in and identify with her. As a guess from that scene alone, I would put her somewhere between 14 and 19, perhaps having come up through the orphans herself, and/or is poor to be working there. However, the last name "Jade" makes me wonder, and would tie in with how she seems to recognize Tirzah! You've got a good start by creating a problem (only semi understood in the Prologue) and then presenting a few characters I'm already interested in that hint at explaining some of what happened before. It sounds like it might take a little trial-and-effort with the challenge of writing a blind character, but I think you are off to a good start and have the makings of a unique story ahead!

Another hilarious update! Still loving the dry humor! I would like to know how the heck 3PO survived the two Tusken Raider attacks before being bested by the Jawas, though!

I'm glad you're still finding poems to post, even if they're old! This one is nice, although I don't like it as much as your previous two, just because of the detailed imagery of those ones. I do think it's a nice look at how true friendships remain even as they transition through life, though.

Hi Travis, so I'm trying to catch but admittedly it will take some time. In fact, really, with how quickly you get chapters up I'm not sure I will before you wrap up the novel! Nonetheless, wanted to let you know that I am still trying to read, it's just a matter of how much time I have and will results in shorter reviews as I try to burn through a few chapters before posting a response - also due to time. I've finished up through Chapter 12 (Part I, I believe), and I have to say that it has been pretty solid. You have wrapped up a lot of character development (at least in terms of initial introductions, as I'm expecting them to continue to grow and change through the story) and jumped into the type of action that really seems to set up the rest of the story. I think you've handled all of it well, and continued to present to us a well written, well planned, and well rounded story. I'm definitely interested in finding out what happens to these characters! I'm still a little uncertain about Growald - we're really sure of how much he knows or his real motivations yet, and I think that he could still end up being as much trouble as help! I think I might have had one or two minor comments about some of the chapters between where I was and Chapter 12, but the only one I remember is still struggling with Havert's words a bit. Sometimes he has an accent and sometimes he doesn't, and I know you're planning on coming back to this but sometimes it still confuses me. Part of this might be I am paying it too much attention after the first few chapters, so I'm going to start trying to expect the "outlying farmer" accent instead of looking for the more-educated lad he first seemed in Chapter 1 and see if that smooths it over (i.e. I'm still looking for the old character when you've fully transitioned to something different). Anywho, for chapter 12 I did have a few thoughts, although really you've done a very good job in protraying both action and depth. One thing that really struck me as odd is that when Syler first rescues Bronwyn you mention nothing about her face until she is holding the sword. I realize that you probably were trying to emphasize this unexpected behavior, but when Syler first holds her in his arms, as distracted as he is by the filth and blood and wounds on her body I would expect him to look to her eyes/face to see the first, best evidence of if she is okay. Instead, he seems to avoid looking there! I think you could still find a way to surprise us but make this seem more natural by having him search her eyes but appear not to recognize or notice him (some type of trance or shock). The second two sentences seem particularly passive-voice to me. Both should be "woman," as I believe only one woman was unconscious? For someone who has been almost comatose or mechanical in behavior - and certainly not talking - this seemed a little sudden of a transition to me. Granted, Bronwyn has always seemed to be one to apologize and think of the other person. Still (and this may just be my opinion), after what she's been through I almost imagine her breaking through the comatose fog over her by beginning to sob quietly, causing Syler to turn and look toward her and see the tears have already been leaking out, and then sobbing louder and louder as the emotion overtakes her. In the midst of this she would try to apologize through the tears. Anyhow, just my two cents. Looking forward to catching up some more as time permits.

I'm excited to see some of your work, JJS! I don't think hat I've read anything by you before. Not being familiar with RP, I have to ask... Is this supposed to connect to Jaina Solo, off of your name (Jaina Jade Skywalker)...? It sounds like you've set an interesting challenge for yourself, looking forward to reading more!

Granted, I'm sure that I didn't get the full effect looking through on my phone, but still, I'm impressed, Tiana! I like your artwork a whole lot, as always, and while I haven't checked Between Places recently I think I can see how this ties in from your explanation. I'm amazed by what you can do on that tablet, and especially within that amount of time!

Yes! This is absolutely fantastic, Geki!! It has me snorting with laughter every couple of lines. The dry wit is amazing, and you've done an excellent job with it. You're on quite the streak with re-writing the movie scripts right now, but in two completely different styles that are so unique. I'm looking forward to future laughs and seeing how else you Python this up!

You posted that within the last month, Ami! You forgot it already? Well, it's a sign of how ridiculous tricky it's been to catch up in the midst of being busy - despite the fact that this was a one-off, it took me two separate readings to finish this and a third to write a response.... so it left me plenty of time to think about what I thought of the story!