jedi_master_gimpy

No worries! I'm waaaaay back in the brainstorming stage still for my rewrite, and even once I get back to the actual writing I think it will be some time before I hit any space battles. I did have one written up in the original, though, and I never was happy with it! Since Ami's read them too, maybe once I get to them I'll send it out to both of you... get 2x the beta! Does Raynuk feel the pressure enough, or do I need to vacuum-seal the thread and start pumping more air in?

Haha, I feel like Hallie already said everything I was thinking! Scarlette doesn't seem ready to change her mind, and yet hasn't given him a clear or constant answer that helps him move on. Not a good position for her to put him, Francis, or herself. Counter girl seems to have read the situation clearly, but hmmm... could be troublesome to put herself out there as well, with his heart still conflicted. I don't know squat about squash either, and like Ami I thought you did a great job of describing with just enough detail to make it clear and easy to follow... without commenting about every single volley. You also did a good job of making it evident through the easy conversation and manner with Tom how close of friends they are. One thing - it was a little awkward how quickly Tom "exits," I think. I would add something to smooth it a little, i.e. "...and Tom, having noticed what I missed, extricated himself from the conversation with a silent wave." Just my opinion, though.

Nice update, Delta. To echo DB... Karl Brandt? Wow! Bold move to bring him in. Good work. You are doing a great job of keeping the tension level high as we wait to find out what will happen to Abram. I thought you did a good job on your dialogue, especially between Brandt and Falke. I can feel Falke's fear of discovery even as he tries to speak very calmly. Brandt is Nazi through and through, and it was a good touch to have him so excited in his early "aspirations" for "doctor." Ugh...makes me shudder a bit, though! On my first read-through I didn't catch the stilted feel that DB pointed out, however after glancing at least through the first paragraph I can see what he means. Some choppiness may help increase the tension of the piece, but I would also recommend trying to do a little combining. A few other minor things... You need some basic edits here, it looks like perhaps a few sentences were changed/combined but never finalized. Also, you could add some detail - why is that the worst place to be caught? Because the Jews at the ghetto may notice and get angry? Because his superior SA officers are still strictly enforcing behavior immediately around the ghetto? Abram seemed to be unconscious this entire time, and when I first read this I had to go back and make sure he didn't appear awake any other time. Abram's sob of pain is a good point - it shows just had badly he has been hurt outside of the head wound, as you mention directly after. Still, for the sake of consistency if would help if you can make it clear that Abram is still unconscious here.

Tiana!! You're not going to make this easy, are you?

Great minds think alike! I've always enjoyed the X-wing series, although I usually get a little lost in the descriptions of dogfights. I guess I don't have the spatial reasoning to follow the descriptions. Knowing that you've read them, I may hit you up to review any space battles I get to on my Better Left Unspoken re-write! Give credit where credit is due. This story has a fantastic start, and I'm psyched to see more of it.

Yeah, it looks a bit better now! (I say "bit" because it was still very good before ). Nice job on the touch-ups! Per the dark side issue, I like the fact you include it to refute/disagree with what is in the book. Knowing that it is a much more prevalent "option" for Obi-Wan than I ever considered makes it worthwhile to point out. You were making a point which I agree with, but until you explained it, I didn't realize that point had to be made!

Wow!!! This is fantastic!! I am itching for more! Your characterization is spot on - you've done an amazing job of capturing the spunk and humor which Leia and Han have once more found after so much time and pain along the way (oh - and Luke as well, although obviously a much smaller cameo thus far!). The story is easy to read - there is a perfect mix of description, dialogue, and action to keep me seeing it clearly in my mind and stay fully intrigued. As Ami said, I could easily see this as a published fic! You did a great job of capturing Tatooine, and this mystery which Obi-Wan left behind and the time-travel (which we assume, given your summary ) is believably done. I would find it shocking if the Jedi Order actually did ever time travel - meddling with time seems outside of what they would allow, however, if someone discovered this and it was felt like the Force was almost requiring it to happen, this is exactly how I would picture it! As Ami said, there are a few small things - missing a word or an extra quotation mark, etc. I think you would catch them all with a single read through if you look at it with fresh eyes. The only other thing I noticed was the use of capitalization of the Force. I think I've always read it as "the Force" - with "the" not capitalized, but "Force" always capitalized, whether saying "the Force", "Force visions," or anything else, since you are always referring to a specific force. I could be wrong, though, my most recent SW book re-reads were the X-wing book, and it isn't referred to very much there! I can't wait to see what you do with this!

Excellent, COEM! I'm really glad I checked this out. I think what Sasori said rings true - poetry can often have little to do with rhyme or meter, and much more on the emotions and thoughts expressed. Poetry can be both carefully measured out and very emotionally drafted, free of particular form. You had a good mix here. The emotion behind it was clear, and the contrast between what people expect royalty to look like and how Christ actually came described in a fresh way. Those last three stanzas really caught my attention. Wonderfully done! I am also always wondering how I can bring God into my works in both little and big ways, and it is so encouraging to see how this came straight from your heart. Happy Resurrection Sunday (a day late)!

It is so good see you, too! I hope you stay around! Yeah, I never read the book... maybe I should, but it's always a toss-up of whether I'll agree with what they write or not, especially the books which cover movie events. Lol - probably shows too much pride in what I think the characters should/would do! You really gave me a tough task to try and go back to better define what I thought, OBQ! There isn't really anything major, and like Silas mentioned I think it might just be more of my possessive take on Obi-Wan than anything else. Really, this is an excellent piece of work and a great analysis of Obi-Wan, so it was quite difficult for me to go back and try to nail down a few specific things which were a tiny bit off.... from my own, personal, pre-conceived notions! First off, though, I guess as I was reading it I kind of felt that slight disconnect of a first return to writing. I know that feeling well, myself, and am not looking forward to experiencing it again the next time I throw something together, since I haven't actually written anything in a while. The ideas and words are there, but it just feels a little less flowing and smooth than when you were regularly writing, ya'know? Not anything obviously strange or wrong, because you're too advanced of a writer for that, but just like you were working a little rust off in a scarcely noticeable manner, if that makes sense. The Palpy fic you posted shortly after didn't have that feel to me. Of course, even that could be due to the fact that I'm dreading my own first written work because I'm afraid that it will show my lack of practice... Anywho - I tried to find specifics, and there weren't many... the fact that I have to try to explain each one of them in such a detailed manner shows how little I have to point out or how vague it is even in my own mind! I think the only thing which sounded wrong to me here was the use of the word "weak." I can't remember - it may be exactly what word was used in the movies for attachments, however it seems more like a Sith thought to me - they make you weak. For a Jedi, it would be more of a distraction, or an impairment of judgment in contrast when serving the greater good. Nothing actually wrong, you see, and I can't say that the Jedi wouldn't label it as a weakness even, AND I agree that Obi-Wan would berate himself and see it as a weakness in trying to serve the greater good in this case. So I would agree with almost everything in that paragraph, except maybe "Attachment made you weak", I might change it to "Attachment clouded your mind from sound judgment" or something. I think my struggle here is because I can never see Obi-Wan as being close to the dark side there. Grief-stricken, yes. Mourning a friend before they were physically dead, yes. Angry, yes. And yet, talking to Anakin was good, because he finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that his old padawan was gone, and that there was not any mistake on the security holos at the Temple. Obi-Wan is always so dedicated to truth and duty to the people and greater good that I can only see him in this manner - fully aware now of what must be done, and determined to do the right thing, even as it tears him apart inside. He never hates Anakin enough to want to truly kill him, and he always so sure of what must be done that he does not have doubts about going as far as he did...even if he hates himself for having to do it. Obi-Wan was consumed by grief, but would not let it keep him from his duty. I completely agree with you that he never delivered the final blow because his love for Anakin could not let him do that, not when Anakin posed no physical threat. I guess I just fought internally against there having to be such a big mention about the dark side here because of that...I can't see it being an option. And yet, you were explaining why it shouldn't be an option, and really trying to point out what you didn't agree with from the book, it sounds like...? So I can't really point this out as "off," either! I really liked that line, I think it is an excellent summary of all of his emotions, and packs an emotional wallop right at the end. Past that, in the section with a younger Luke I think it was a little harder to hear Obi-Wan's voice in the things he said. I think in part it is because we jump from his very introspective inner voice to words, and there weren't a descriptions with the words that helped me see Obi-Wan saying them? I.e., calling out some of his trademark moves... I could see him hunching down to talk to Luke, or folding his arms into the sleeves of his robe to think, as he often does. I could read a pause between Luke saying "You cry," and Obi-Wan answering "I did something wrong," because I imagine Obi-Wan having so much trouble even putting his feelings into words like that - because the mere fact that he is so consumed by doubts and failures would seem like another failure to duty to him. So...in other words...haha...your stuff is really good, and I think most of little things I noticed were due to my own Janine universe where I have my own "certainties" about exactly what Obi-Wan thinks. And nothing you have really conflicts with it, I just would have worded a few places a little differently. But this is your story, your opinions, and it's written quite well! Having come to that conclusion after all this writing, perhaps I should just erase most of the middle...but I will go ahead and leave it. If you want to tweak anything, it might be to the second part. Haha, hopefully this post is some help - I feel like I kinda talked myself in circles!

Wow - it's cool to see some historical fiction up here. It's an interesting perspective, as others have said, and you did a great job of showing the despair at the end of it, and then in the stark contrast of Chapter 1 the expectation and hesitation at the beginning of it. Interesting portrayal of Hitler - you made us stop and think about him a little more. Not in any manner that tried to excuse or justify his actions (which is not possible), but rather showing the despair and crushed dreams that he would have felt, that we seldom stop to even consider. The contrast of the Prologue and Chapter 1 immediately caught my interest, as did the promise of conflict between both Falke and Lara, and Falke and what the SA is growing into. Well written, smooth and easy to read. I was a bit intimidated by the German names and titles at the beginning and trying to follow/understand them, but as I began to read it was clear that you were slowly introducing us to each character and explaining the German words the first time it was used, so that we could grow to follow it...and yet stay more immersed in the culture than were it completely in English. Nicely done! One critique I would offer (since you asked ) was this part:

LOL, Ami! That was a tough but amusing challenge, trying to write such heartsick emotion into a droid! You did an admirable job - I was impressed by all of the droid-like references you added - aural sensors, obsolete, lubricant instead of alcohol, memory wipes, data corruption - all mechanical/electronic mentions underneath the emotion of his unrequited love. In particular, I loved the trash can's one perfectly spoken line of Basic. Fantastic! It reminded me of Wally (the whole thing, not just that line!). Oh - one thing to fix - I think F-9B4's comment is supposed to be addressed to R5 instead of R9?

Great stuff! Having read the challenge in the Truth or Challenge thread I knew who it was going to end up being, but even so I could appreciate how only in that brief mention do we realize who it is. As Ami said, the writing was wonderfully done. The mix of action/thought/memory/Sith Code was perfectly balanced, your descriptions spot-on. I particularly liked these sentences: It completely matches with the Sidious we know later! Great job, OBQ!

Nicely written, TJM! It's a smooth, easy to read story, but it does catch you and pull you in. The first part seemed much more light-hearted despite the obvious backstory and hurt, while this second part really revealed a whole lot more depth to the pain...which is kind of sad, since this is "semi-autobiographical!"

Answering an old truth from Ami, cuz I'm way behind... : I think I would write in the Renaissance era, maybe in Italy? It could be from watching my husband play Assassin's Creed so much lately, but I feel like you can mix cool advances in science or religion a la Galileo but still have lords, ladies, etc a la fairy tale. Either that or Victorian steampunk would be fun. You've got a cool mix of possibilities available. A TRUTH for Raynuk: What is your most productive environment for writing? And...I'm probably gonna regret it, but....CHALLENGE me!

OBQ! How exciting to see your name pop up! Methinks we are in the same boat of trying to find a little more time for writing once more, and making it back around good ol' Jnet. I liked the vig a lot...I always enjoy me some Obi-Wan fics. I've always loved his story and the depth of his character. He's been through some crazy stuff! I always thought Ewan did a great job of fitting in as much depth and emotion as the script allowed him, and I love delving into it more. Like others said, there were a few rough parts - I would imagine mostly due to getting back into the writing swing still. I thought overall you did an excellent job of capturing Obi-Wan and bringing light into a relatively unexplored part of his life, and exile of both external and internal forces. It was insightful and a great read. I think the one thing which I didn't quite agree with is describing Anakin as being like a son to him, since in the movie he refers to Anakin as being like a brother multiple times. I hope you get around to more stuff!

Woah - she looks a little scary! It might come from having just read a gangster fic, but I'm detecting an evil glint in her dear old eyes! Thanks for some more background, T. Amusing, as before! I like the consistently spinning more and more out of control feel as all of the characters intersect more and more in all their crazy quests and quirks! Jandalf - you really should stay around more!

Lol, this stuff is great, Tiana and Jandalf! Well-written humor hitting the finer points of the stereotypical gangster and taking literalness quite literally as far as it can go. It reminds me of the good ol' days with some of the Psychotic Padawan enemies, such as Right Hand Man who had, you guessed it...just his right hand! Without having all of the character backstory that you two do, they are still extremely amusing - and I imagine only more so when you are as familiar with the characters as you two are! I think my two current fav is torn between the first installment with Fen and Raiyn... or this last one, which brought a couple of them together.

Well, I finally sat down and went through this! I've attempted to a couple of times, but was always intimidated by already having 3 pages (we all know how long it takes a page to grow!) and what appears to be a massive character list. The Library is so speckled with constant praises for it that I thought I'd better catch up once and for all, though... ... and I'm quite glad that I did! Overall, this fic is extremely well written, LAP. Despite being unfamiliar with any of the RP characters, you have been able to uniquely characterize them to all - especially those we have seen the most of. That is high praise for a story that seems poised to jump to the proportion of "epic saga"! Outside of that first post, you have done an excellent job of introducing them slowly and clearly, making it possible to keep track of them. The pictures help a lot, as well! The pace is steady and gradual, moving ponderously forward like anything with the depth, breadth, and rich history of the Jedi Order would be expected and yet already feeling as though it is gradually picking up faster and faster as darkness and light begin an intricate dance. There are already obvious conflicts already in play between the Council...not to mention the impatience and impetuousness seen in Raynuk and Chazi, who both strike me as having hints of the flaws we saw lead to Anakin's demise. The writing is smooth, the descriptions detailed without being overly detailed. There are, of course, a few things which could be improved, as a few others have noticed. I think what stands out to me most are rare moments where the character seems to digress into too much unnecessary or unrelated thought, and it kind of derails the action or flow of what was happening. As an example: The last two sentences are a little distracting. The first, alone, would be fine. The second makes it seem like we are stuck with Krystal pondering something when there was so much action just a moment ago. It's a little out of place. Anywho, like the others I thought your April Fool's joke HILARIOUS! I've never seen that done before - a vignette about pranks, yes, but never pulled off in a full-length fake post before. Bravo!! It appears that you have set a very far-reaching goal for yourself, LAP! I imagine that this story could easily continue to grow over the next 5 years or so, with more and more storylines along for the ride. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes.

It sounds like that stuff comes easy to you, Ami. I always struggle a lot with it - it's probably why I consistently fall back on Star Wars so much! I like that there is an established background, culture, and character or character-types, and yet they are created with such openness that you can easily fabricate new characters or planets to match what you need for the plot. That's easy for me. It's much more difficult for me to create characters from scratch who are still very unique and defined, and even harder to create an entire culture! I always feel like to create a culture or even a manner of speaking (i.e. slang or sayings) I need to know the background of the place, and it is so difficult and takes so long for me to do so to my level of satisfaction that I quickly lose interest in any sort of attempt to write, plot, or continue. I've recently though more about trying to start from some sort of known base, as Tiana suggested, or basing at least parts of characters off of people I know in real-life. I'm hoping it will help... my plan is to try to write a completely original fic once I finish my massive edit/re-write of BLU. That is going to be so hard for me!

Ami: What is your favorite fiction genre OR series (making it a little easier) to read, and why? Gonna play it safe and go for a truth.[/b]

I know, Ami, don't you just hate that?!

I really like the simple rhyming scheme and rhythm of this one. Did you mean the last four lines to reinforce that the facade doesn't hide what you really care about to your close friends, or to indicate that the facade can also fail for strong, deep emotions rather than just for certain people?

Interesting. It's a little hard to describe my response to this, so I'm going to go with a series of adjectives: Interesting. Morbid. Unique. Sad. Well-written. Yeah, that kind of sums it up. Too serious to be humorous (although a different write on this same concept could easily be so), and too sad in its description of the never-ending "present" that Death lives in to be simply "morbid". Not my own take on how that stuff works , but a reflective and unique little blurb to be sure. Nice job personifying the "Grim Reaper." At first I thought it was just a really depressed guy, but when you started mentioning "Old Bessie" it became clear that this was either a butcher, a serial killer, or something along those lines!

Mmmm! Tasty looking!

Yeah, it's a good thing. Not too fast to be ridiculous or hard to follow (especially in short segments). Not too slow to be boring or disjointed. Not really fast --> really slow --> really fast to also be disjointed or rather jarring. equals GOOD.