NavyGal Posted September 7, 2010 Author Share Posted September 7, 2010 Thanks TJM And it seems I'm on a roll. Just cranked this one out in about 2 minutes. Keep in mind it's almost 2am. I should be asleep. *dear brain. stop running. love nat.* Anyway enjoy: ~~~ Running down streets and through fields From what was to what will be Bright lights at the end of the tunnel reveal the consequences Of chances taken and choices made To become what we are Of what we were ~~~ Let me know what you think. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted September 7, 2010 Share Posted September 7, 2010 Ooh...this is one of my favorites!! I really really like this one! Great imagery, great emotion. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 7, 2010 Author Share Posted September 7, 2010 And another spur of the moment one this morning sitting here at work. I just had the first four lines pop into my head and had to write something. ~~~ In fields of green where poppies grow the men that fell lie below the years have passed since those fateful days the battle cries long faded away A land apart and not their own they gave what they had these men not yet grown Yet still we remember their sacrifice though the years have passed, of life and limb the ultimate price ~~~ I'm not sure I'm completely happy with it but enjoy! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryoo Jaxxon Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 I think the one from 2am is my favorite yet And I agree with Ami. The emotion an imagery really come through. This newest one though... not my fav I was feeling it at the beginning, but I think it sort of fell apart towards the end. When the lines started getting longer, the piece sort of lost what it was building up. I dunno. But if you do re-work it, I would keep the beginning for sure. For those of you who knew me, it was great, for those who didn't, welcome. http://www.naese.com/images/Ryoojaxxon.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jedi Master Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 On the second one, you appeared to be using an ABCB scheme, except in the last line, which I think kind of throws off the rhythm of the whole poem. Instead of "price" you need something that rhymes with "passed," or vice-versa. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Hmmm looking at that one again now.... In fields of green where poppies grow the men that fell lie below the years have passed since those fateful days the battle cries long faded away A land apart and not their own they gave what they had these men not yet grown Yet still we remember the sacrifice of life and limb the ultimate price Hmmm still not happy with it.... but I think the end flows a bit better. I think it's missing something in the middle there. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryoo Jaxxon Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 I'd totally agree. Much better, but still slightly off... For those of you who knew me, it was great, for those who didn't, welcome. http://www.naese.com/images/Ryoojaxxon.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Hmm. I think I need to work on something to slot in between the line "these men not yet grown" and the one after. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myth Hunter Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 I lieked it though. Even with it being slightly 'off'. I think it adds to the feel of it. But that's just me. But I'm out of cheesecake. Taking over JNet, 1 thread at a time. JNet Royalty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted September 9, 2010 Share Posted September 9, 2010 In fields of green where poppies grow the men that fell lie below the years have passed since those fateful days the battle cries long faded away A land apart and not their own they gave what they had these men not yet grown Yet still we remember the sacrifice of life and limb the ultimate price Nat, I really liked it. I thought it started out well, appealing to my senses, with the whole ”œfields of green” [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 9, 2010 Author Share Posted September 9, 2010 Nat, I really liked it. I thought it started out well, appealing to my senses, with the whole ”œfields of green” looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaina Jade Skywalker Posted September 10, 2010 Share Posted September 10, 2010 Nat, I like the imagery in all of these. It's simple, accessible, but really gives a strong sense of what you're feeling when you write them. The beauty of simplicity is really your strong point I think. ...why are the pretty ones always the most hazardous to your health? May the Forth therve you well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 12, 2010 Author Share Posted September 12, 2010 Thanks JJS! I always love to hear what you think about writing! <3 Good to see you back! And here is another one I wrote the other day. A friend sent me the first 3 lines in msn for no reason just randomly and I wrote it from that. Hopes and Dreams Across a sea of grey are shimmering spots of red and yellow Where the sun meets the sea and the hopes and dreams fade into the night To rise once more with brilliant incandescence For hope will never fade completely; and a dream never dies until the dreamer has gone From this world to the next. ~~~ Hope you enjoy! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 I really like the "where the sun meets the sea" line. I'm curious though - what's the deal with the spelling of the word "grey?" I've been seeing that a lot lately, and it seems like it's become the new, trendy way to spell that color, but I never knew why. I really liked it. It was cool that someone just fed you some poetic structure so you built on that. Well done. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 13, 2010 Author Share Posted September 13, 2010 Oh Gray is the american spelling. Grey is what we use here in Australia. One of those words with different spellings in different countries. When I think of red and gold and the sea I think of the sun setting. Thats where I got that line from. Thanks for reading LAP. I love to hear what you think of what I write looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted September 13, 2010 Share Posted September 13, 2010 I thought "gray" and "grey" were completely interchangeable. I think this is my new favorite Nat poem. Very poetic, and I loved the descriptive tone. Lovely. Very lovely. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 13, 2010 Author Share Posted September 13, 2010 Technically interchangeable.. but if you write anything here with an a in the word you will be corrected because its not correct in australian english. I love how I now have a generic descriptor there Ami. Nat poems! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 15, 2010 Author Share Posted September 15, 2010 Ok. Another new poem. I've really been on a roll lately ~~~ Sentries of the Land The wind whispers through the leaves, rustling natures bell. The eerie glow of the moon shines through the fog on the trunks of the ghost gum Staid soldiers tall and proud they stand Ever present sentries of the land ~~~ Enjoy! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted September 15, 2010 Share Posted September 15, 2010 Hmmm...I like the imagery a lot, but you kinda lost me on the ghost gum line. You are referring to gum trees, I take it, but something about that line was a bit odd. I can't put my finger on it. Great poem, though. Who would have thought years ago during your very sporadic poem posting that you'd now be posting almost one per day? SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 15, 2010 Author Share Posted September 15, 2010 Lol. And yeah I'm talking about gum trees but actually talking about a specific type of gum tree. Called a ghost gum. They have white trunks. There are places between Sydney and the next major city south called Wollongong where there are large stands of these trees and really tall ones and they get really eerie at night when there is a moon and fog. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted November 11, 2010 Author Share Posted November 11, 2010 Something new I wrote the other day at 3am while I was failing to sleep. ~~~~ To Be Me I will not be More than I am And I will not be less For to be more is impossible To be less is to lie For I am who I am And I can only be me But to be me is to be fallible And so I will be more And so I will be less And there will be one Who will know me When I am more And when I am less And to them I will simply be Me And the fallacy Becomes truth And the impossible Becomes possible For they have seen all sides And will know all of me So that nothing Is impossible And nothing is a lie ~~~~ Let me know what you think looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryoo Jaxxon Posted November 11, 2010 Share Posted November 11, 2010 favorite poem yet... but you already know that keep making them like this. For those of you who knew me, it was great, for those who didn't, welcome. http://www.naese.com/images/Ryoojaxxon.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted November 12, 2010 Share Posted November 12, 2010 LOVE it! Great new poem, Nat! SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xae-Lin Ardel Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 That's so true Nat, not just for you but for all of us! I love it! Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. PM Mirdala if you'd like a timely response. Leave anonymous IC feedback here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi Snarky Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 These are awesome! I loved the "Me" poem! Great work! (I let you know the other ones I liked.) It doesn't matter what color of hair you have, only that you have hair. My Niece Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_master_gimpy Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 Well, I'm late to the party but Snarkster - thanks for upping this. Nat, I really like these pieces (alright.... I know I'm a year late, but still! ) I like the 'Me' poem, but I have to say that I like the two before it even more. 'Sentries of the Land' creates this beautiful, eerie picture in my mind that makes me catch my breath each time. And, like LAP, I keep coming back to the line "where the sun meets the sea" from "Hopes and Dreams." The poem paints a picture... it's beautiful and has the tired-lazy feel after a long summer day, and then you pull in hopes and dreams as I imagine twilight coming, only to remind us of the next morning... I love it! You should get back to these! "It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales. "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 Awww thanks Gimpy! I actually think I have a few I wrote down and haven't posted... I will have to see if I can hint them down and I will post them. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted March 7, 2012 Author Share Posted March 7, 2012 I know this is a double post but I did say I thought I had stuff I hadn't posted and I found some! So for the first time in over a year here is a new(written ages ago) untitled poem from me: A friend is always there. No matter the distance for the miles are no barrier though the years may pass to the fellowship of the spirit. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_master_gimpy Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I'm glad you're still finding poems to post, even if they're old! This one is nice, although I don't like it as much as your previous two, just because of the detailed imagery of those ones. I do think it's a nice look at how true friendships remain even as they transition through life, though. "It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales. "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 I shall now attempt to do some crit, but feel free to ignore it because of the rust building up along my joints. Sentries of the Land The wind whispers through the leaves, rustling natures bell. Very nice, I like the "Nature's bell" bit, but just remember the apostrophe. The eerie glowof the moon shines through the fog on the trunks of the ghost gum Staid soldiers tall and proud they stand Ever present sentries of the land One thing that just jumps out here is the "of the" "on the" "of the". Maybe try reducing the number of 'the's (this sentence isn't a very good example of that I know ) i.e. Perhaps "The moon's eerie glow". And maybe add qualifiers in the place of 'the's, like "thick fog" "soupy fog" (yum). Very nice imagery though. And I haven't been to the southern hemisphere in forevveeerrr. Miss your poems too! More!! I actually remember the Children of summer one. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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