Nats Poems- new poem 07/03

[NavyGal]

Thanks TJM

 

 

And it seems I'm on a roll.

 

Just cranked this one out in about 2 minutes. Keep in mind it's almost 2am. I should be asleep. *dear brain. stop running. love nat.*

 

Anyway enjoy:

 

~~~

 

Running

down streets

and through fields

From what was

to what will be

Bright lights

at the end of the tunnel

reveal the consequences

Of chances taken

and choices made

To become what we are

Of what we were

 

~~~

 

Let me know what you think.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Ooh...this is one of my favorites!! I really really like this one! Great imagery, great emotion.

[NavyGal]

And another spur of the moment one this morning sitting here at work. I just had the first four lines pop into my head and had to write something.

 

~~~

 

In fields of green

where poppies grow

the men that fell

lie below

the years have passed

since those fateful days

the battle cries

long faded away

A land apart

and not their own

they gave what they had

these men not yet grown

Yet still we remember their sacrifice

though the years have passed,

of life and limb

the ultimate price

 

~~~

 

I'm not sure I'm completely happy with it but enjoy!

[Ryoo Jaxxon]

I think the one from 2am is my favorite yet And I agree with Ami. The emotion an imagery really come through. This newest one though... not my fav I was feeling it at the beginning, but I think it sort of fell apart towards the end. When the lines started getting longer, the piece sort of lost what it was building up. I dunno. But if you do re-work it, I would keep the beginning for sure.

[The Jedi Master]

On the second one, you appeared to be using an ABCB scheme, except in the last line, which I think kind of throws off the rhythm of the whole poem. Instead of "price" you need something that rhymes with "passed," or vice-versa.

[NavyGal]

Hmmm looking at that one again now....

 

 

In fields of green

where poppies grow

the men that fell

lie below

the years have passed

since those fateful days

the battle cries

long faded away

A land apart

and not their own

they gave what they had

these men not yet grown

Yet still we remember

the sacrifice

of life and limb

the ultimate price

 

 

Hmmm still not happy with it.... but I think the end flows a bit better. I think it's missing something in the middle there.

[Ryoo Jaxxon]

I'd totally agree. Much better, but still slightly off...

[NavyGal]

Hmm. I think I need to work on something to slot in between the line "these men not yet grown" and the one after.

[Myth Hunter]

I lieked it though. Even with it being slightly 'off'. I think it adds to the feel of it.

 

But that's just me.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

In fields of green

where poppies grow

the men that fell

lie below

the years have passed

since those fateful days

the battle cries

long faded away

A land apart

and not their own

they gave what they had

these men not yet grown

Yet still we remember

the sacrifice

of life and limb

the ultimate price

 

Nat, I really liked it. I thought it started out well, appealing to my senses, with the whole ”œfields of green”

[NavyGal]

Nat, I really liked it. I thought it started out well, appealing to my senses, with the whole ”œfields of green”

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

Nat, I like the imagery in all of these. It's simple, accessible, but really gives a strong sense of what you're feeling when you write them. The beauty of simplicity is really your strong point I think.

[NavyGal]

Thanks JJS! I always love to hear what you think about writing! <3 Good to see you back!

 

And here is another one I wrote the other day. A friend sent me the first 3 lines in msn for no reason just randomly and I wrote it from that.

 

 

Hopes and Dreams

 

Across a sea of grey

are shimmering spots

of red and yellow

Where the sun

meets the sea

and the hopes and dreams

fade into the night

To rise once more

with brilliant incandescence

For hope will never

fade completely;

and a dream never dies

until the dreamer has gone

From this world to the next.

 

~~~

 

Hope you enjoy!

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I really like the "where the sun meets the sea" line. I'm curious though - what's the deal with the spelling of the word "grey?" I've been seeing that a lot lately, and it seems like it's become the new, trendy way to spell that color, but I never knew why. I really liked it. It was cool that someone just fed you some poetic structure so you built on that. Well done.

[NavyGal]

Oh Gray is the american spelling. Grey is what we use here in Australia. One of those words with different spellings in different countries.

 

When I think of red and gold and the sea I think of the sun setting. Thats where I got that line from.

 

Thanks for reading LAP. I love to hear what you think of what I write

[Amidala Skywalker]

I thought "gray" and "grey" were completely interchangeable.

 

I think this is my new favorite Nat poem. Very poetic, and I loved the descriptive tone. Lovely. Very lovely.

[NavyGal]

Technically interchangeable.. but if you write anything here with an a in the word you will be corrected because its not correct in australian english.

 

I love how I now have a generic descriptor there Ami. Nat poems!

[NavyGal]

Ok. Another new poem. I've really been on a roll lately

 

~~~

 

Sentries of the Land

 

The wind whispers

through the leaves,

rustling natures bell.

The eerie glow

of the moon

shines through the fog

on the trunks of the ghost gum

Staid soldiers

tall and proud they stand

Ever present sentries

of the land

 

~~~

 

Enjoy!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Hmmm...I like the imagery a lot, but you kinda lost me on the ghost gum line. You are referring to gum trees, I take it, but something about that line was a bit odd. I can't put my finger on it.

 

Great poem, though. Who would have thought years ago during your very sporadic poem posting that you'd now be posting almost one per day?

[NavyGal]

Lol. And yeah I'm talking about gum trees but actually talking about a specific type of gum tree. Called a ghost gum. They have white trunks.

 

 

There are places between Sydney and the next major city south called Wollongong where there are large stands of these trees and really tall ones and they get really eerie at night when there is a moon and fog.

[NavyGal]

Something new I wrote the other day at 3am while I was failing to sleep.

 

~~~~

 

To Be Me

 

I will not be

More than I am

And I will not be less

For to be more is impossible

To be less is to lie

For I am who I am

And I can only be me

But to be me is to be fallible

And so I will be more

And so I will be less

And there will be one

Who will know me

When I am more

And when I am less

And to them

I will simply be

Me

And the fallacy

Becomes truth

And the impossible

Becomes possible

For they have seen all sides

And will know all of me

So that nothing

Is impossible

And nothing is a lie

 

~~~~

 

Let me know what you think

[Ryoo Jaxxon]

favorite poem yet... but you already know that keep making them like this.

[Amidala Skywalker]

LOVE it! Great new poem, Nat!

[Xae-Lin Ardel]

That's so true Nat, not just for you but for all of us! I love it!

[Jedi Snarky]

These are awesome! I loved the "Me" poem! Great work! (I let you know the other ones I liked.)

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Well, I'm late to the party but Snarkster - thanks for upping this.

 

Nat, I really like these pieces (alright.... I know I'm a year late, but still! ) I like the 'Me' poem, but I have to say that I like the two before it even more.

 

'Sentries of the Land' creates this beautiful, eerie picture in my mind that makes me catch my breath each time.

 

And, like LAP, I keep coming back to the line "where the sun meets the sea" from "Hopes and Dreams." The poem paints a picture... it's beautiful and has the tired-lazy feel after a long summer day, and then you pull in hopes and dreams as I imagine twilight coming, only to remind us of the next morning...

 

I love it! You should get back to these!

[NavyGal]

Awww thanks Gimpy! I actually think I have a few I wrote down and haven't posted... I will have to see if I can hint them down and I will post them.

[NavyGal]

I know this is a double post but I did say I thought I had stuff I hadn't posted and I found some!

 

So for the first time in over a year here is a new(written ages ago) untitled poem from me:

 

A friend is

always there.

No matter the distance

for the miles

are no barrier

though the years may pass

to the fellowship

of the spirit.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

I'm glad you're still finding poems to post, even if they're old! This one is nice, although I don't like it as much as your previous two, just because of the detailed imagery of those ones. I do think it's a nice look at how true friendships remain even as they transition through life, though.

[Dartha Athanth]

I shall now attempt to do some crit, but feel free to ignore it because of the rust building up along my joints.

 

Sentries of the Land

 

The wind whispers

through the leaves,

rustling natures bell.

 

Very nice, I like the "Nature's bell" bit, but just remember the apostrophe.

 

The eerie glow

of the moon

shines through the fog

on the trunks of the ghost gum

Staid soldiers

tall and proud they stand

Ever present sentries

of the land

 

One thing that just jumps out here is the "of the" "on the" "of the". Maybe try reducing the number of 'the's (this sentence isn't a very good example of that I know ) i.e. Perhaps "The moon's eerie glow". And maybe add qualifiers in the place of 'the's, like "thick fog" "soupy fog" (yum).

 

Very nice imagery though. And I haven't been to the southern hemisphere in forevveeerrr. Miss your poems too! More!! I actually remember the Children of summer one.