The Children of Berlin (PG-13) UPDATE 7/23/11 FINALLY

[Delta73]

NON STAR WARS

 

Allright, this is my first story I have ever written so be nice to me.

 

 

Berlin, 1945

 

 

Dramatis Personæ

 

• Friedrich Gurthvine ”“ Truppführer of the Hitlerjugend, operating under command of Artur Axmann
  Verena Gurthvine ”“ Member of Das deutsche Mädel, Operating with her brother under Axmann
  Trudi Kerske ”“ Member of Das deutsche Mädel, Verena's best friend.
  Philipp Albre ”“ Member of Hitlerjugend, Friedrich's best friend.
  Helga Susanne Goebbels ”“ Child of Joseph Goebbels
  Adolf Hitler ”“ Leader of the Third Reich
  Rochus Misch ”“ Personal Aide to Adolf Hitler
  Falk Gurthvine ”“ Leading member of the Sturmabteilung in Berlin
  Lara Walvert ”“ Active member of the Catholic Centre Party
  Abram Lanclet - Owner of Lanclet's Fineries
  

 

_________________________________________________

 

A deep throbbing pain struck him again, his hands squeezed into fists in silent agony. With every distant thump of artillery, a shooting pain blasted in his head. The world he had formed was slowly crumbling to destruction. The city where he had taken power was now getting shelled by the cursed Bolsheviks. If only, if only, there were so many choices he could have made, yet the fates had brought him here. To the edge of his destruction, at the hands of a man he had once betrayed. His glasses trembled on the edge of his nose as the pounding of artillery hit nearby. They were deep underground, yet even this fortress of solitude would not hold them forever. His sweaty palm clasped the pale hand of his lover, his wife.

 

The distant laughter of children echoed through the Fuhrerbunker, they were most likely playing a game with Misch again. Their noise throbbed in the back of his head. He considered calling out to them, telling them to stop, but he couldn't bear to think that their last memories of him would be ones of anger, if they even survived. He slowly stood, rubbing his temples and walked slowly to the doorway. There was Misch, playing with Helga Goebbels and her little dog. She was twelve now, he could feel another twinge of regret as she saw him from the corner of her eye. She stood and saluted, her hand raised, whispering the words Heil Hitler. He could feel his heart break again. The pain in his head increased tenfold. He spun on his heel and fled down the corridor to where his wife was sitting. He reached behind him and closed the steel door. It was a mighty door, re-enforced for the inevitable Allied bombing runs. He locked it slowly and sat, looking to the great calendar upon the wall. He could not see it well, perhaps his glasses were smeared. He took them from his face with a trembling hand, and he could feel warm tears streaming down his face. Wiping his eyes with a blood-red kerchief he could see the calender. It read April the 30th, 1945. He said a few curt words to his wife, reassuring, and reached into the cabinet upon the wall. His heartbeat increased, as did the throbbing in his head. His hand appeared again from the confines of the mahogany cabinet, in his hands he held a pistol, specially made for him. The Fuhrer, the leader of the master race, Adolf Hitler.

 

This was the end. A pistol shot echoed throughout the bunker, halting the playing of Helga and Misch. Silence overtook the bunker, and Misch patted Helga on her head. Her blue eyes were wide with fear, his own heart trembled with what he knew he would find. It would not do for her to see it as well. So he told her to go to her room where her family was waiting, into the clutches of her mother and father. He straightened his uniform nervously and walked to the steel door. He squeezed his eyes shut as he pressed it open after disengaging the lock. The figure that for an entire generation kept the German people under his sway was hunched in his seat. He looked like he had many times before, looking at the battle maps of Normandy and Caen. Except now, he was hunched, staring vacantly to the concrete floor, blood pouring from his mouth and nose, dripping onto the floor of the bunker. Misch's gaze found Eva Braun, who was convulsing upon one of the couches nearby, breathing her last few moments away as the cyanide took hold. Misch felt sick and it overcame him he ran from the room, past the young Helga Goebbels, to his room. Where he cried, like he had not in a very long time. The world, in all its wonder, had come crashing down for the German people, led by the man who had just taken his own life. The Soviet shells continued to fall, smashing the high hopes of many.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

Outside the Fuhrerbunker, the Soviet shells were doing more than crushing the ambitions of a few evil men, they were spewing havoc across the streets of Berlin. Cries of the dying filled the ears of Friedrich Gurthvine and his troop of nine Hitlerjugend (Hitler Youth) he had left. The defence of Berlin had been a disaster, for the Soviets were too many for the few well-trained soldiers that were left alive. As such, the defence was left to those who could hold weapons, and to those who had enough fierce loyalty to Hitler to give their lives for a cause long dead. So was the attitude of these nine youths, all far too young to realize the futility of their actions. They were to fight the soviets to the last man and woman, in a futile attempt to rid the city of an overwhelming foe.

 

Friedrich and his nine were making their way back to the divisional command, under the orders of Artur Axmann whom Friedrich idolized. Friedrich gestured to the others and they found positions behind the fallen rubble. They were very lightly armed, Friedrich himself only had a Karbiner 98 from the last war, while the two girls, his sister, Verena and her friend Trudi only had weapons scavenged from the dead Soviets; Nagant rifles. They could see a Russian patrol ahead going from house to house, Friedrich took aim, but the Soviets disappeared into the next house. He lowered his rifle and sighed. There was no use in firing into a house, especially when he couldn't even see where they were.

 

A buzzing could be heard from the sky and his blue eyes flicked skyward as the mortar rounds fell from the hazy grey sky. A blast of concussive force, then a great pain in his body. He could hear above the ringing in his ears the screaming of his sister suddenly being cut off as if it were a radio shut off in a fit of rage. The silence was deadly.

 

 

Part 1 - Berlin 1927 - Chapter One

 

 

The country was coming apart at its seams, yet in the desperation of those times two lives met and rejoiced. Falk Edwin Gurthvine walked with his comrades through the avenues of Berlin dressed completely the same, from shining brass buttons to their red and white armbands adorned with the dark, spider-like insignia of the swastika. The brownshirts, the Sturmabteilung, the SA. They terrorized those deemed the enemies of the German people; they were the right hand of Nazi Party and clenched Berlin within a fist of iron. Yet Falk was an exception, he had something to dream for, something more than terrorizing the enemies of the Third Reich. Then he saw her, his Lara, the pride of his heart. Saluting the rest of his gang, he ran to her grinning widely.

 

”œWhy hello, Lara!”

Edited July 23, 2011 by Guest

[Jidai Geki]

Don't get much historical fiction round these here parts. This was quite enjoyable, and stood out all the more for its subject matter.

 

Interesting that you had a semi-sympathetic view of Hitler just before his death. His death scene reminded me a LOT of the Bud Dwyer suicide from the way it was described.

 

I liked the foreshadowing of the darkness of Nazi Germany in the 1927 portion. Everyone knows what's coming, and it's eerie reading about a pre-Nazi Germany that's rushing headlong towards Nazism, WWII and the Holocaust.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Guest

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Yeah, I really like where this is going, Tim. This is obviously very fresh, very unique, and nothing like anything that has been posted in here. I'm anxious to see where this goes. We talked about this at length on AIM last night. Well done. The changes you made were good. Though, they were minor since the work itself is solid.

[Delta73]

Don't get much historical fiction round these here parts. This was quite enjoyable, and stood out all the more for its subject matter.

 

Interesting that you had a semi-sympathetic view of Hitler just before his death. His death scene reminded me a LOT of the Bud Dwyer suicide from the way it was described.

 

I liked the foreshadowing of the darkness of Nazi Germany in the 1927 portion. Everyone knows what's coming, and it's eerie reading about a pre-Nazi Germany that's rushing headlong towards Nazism, WWII and the Holocaust.

 

Thank you so very much for the encouragement, Lee. I love history, so I guess that shows a bit.

 

Yeah, it is somewhat interesting, though a quick search of Budd Dwyer gave me a couple clues what you were talking about. Yikes. I guess it was semi-sympathetic, in a way. I despise the man with every ounce of my soul, but I wanted to give a view of him not often seen. He will be back, I can assure you that.

 

Yeah as the story progresses, it will get darker.

 

Yeah, I really like where this is going, Tim. This is obviously very fresh, very unique, and nothing like anything that has been posted in here. I'm anxious to see where this goes. We talked about this at length on AIM last night. Well done. The changes you made were good. Though, they were minor since the work itself is solid.

 

Thanks Ben! You are very helpful!!

 

Thanks so much guys for the encouragement, I look forward to many more chapters to write!

Edited April 25, 2011 by Guest

[Tobias Vos]

Enjoyable Read. Keep it up.

[Pinckz]

It was a very comprehensive look into the death of a despicable man.

 

I think it is very well done and I look forward to more updates.

[DarthBrendo]

Very interesting read. I very much like the opening section with Hitler. Very different perspective on him.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and the differences if any, to reality that you introduce.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Wow - it's cool to see some historical fiction up here. It's an interesting perspective, as others have said, and you did a great job of showing the despair at the end of it, and then in the stark contrast of Chapter 1 the expectation and hesitation at the beginning of it.

 

Interesting portrayal of Hitler - you made us stop and think about him a little more. Not in any manner that tried to excuse or justify his actions (which is not possible), but rather showing the despair and crushed dreams that he would have felt, that we seldom stop to even consider.

 

The contrast of the Prologue and Chapter 1 immediately caught my interest, as did the promise of conflict between both Falke and Lara, and Falke and what the SA is growing into.

 

Well written, smooth and easy to read. I was a bit intimidated by the German names and titles at the beginning and trying to follow/understand them, but as I began to read it was clear that you were slowly introducing us to each character and explaining the German words the first time it was used, so that we could grow to follow it...and yet stay more immersed in the culture than were it completely in English. Nicely done!

 

One critique I would offer (since you asked ) was this part:

 

”œThough I have to say Falk, the uniform does look mighty spiffy, you almost look like a grown man.”

[Tiana Calthye]

Whoaaa... the first bit is some intense writing! We don't get a lot of historical fiction in these parts and you played it well, particularly in the first part. Scary and well crafted narrative.

 

Then...

 

The bookends, moving into the lighter, earlier part of the story. Eerie foreshadowing, but I didn't feel that part two worked quite as well. I know you're transitioning to a lighter time, but the contrast was a bit jarring to me. Also, the second part had a few typographical errors here and there.

 

Good luck with your story as it continues. It's definitely a new thing for Jedi.net and I think this could be a good one.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I think one of the elements that makes this story particularly powerful is the World War 2 backdrop. It's just an automatic level of tenseness that will shroud everything, pretty much regardless of who the characters are. There's a real value there, for a story, that I'm anxious to see you tap into it Tim. Whether it be for war, or death, or racism, or crushed hope, there is a very rich vein of tenseness. Endless potential.

[Delta73]

Enjoyable Read. Keep it up.

 

Thanks for reading Tobias! I appreciate the encouragement.

 

It was a very comprehensive look into the death of a despicable man.

 

I think it is very well done and I look forward to more updates.

 

Thanks Alex, I appreciate it. I will try to keep the comprehensiveness up to par.

 

Very interesting read. I very much like the opening section with Hitler. Very different perspective on him.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes and the differences if any, to reality that you introduce.

 

Yeah the different perspective was interesting to write, thats for sure. Thank you so much DB.

 

Wow - it's cool to see some historical fiction up here. It's an interesting perspective, as others have said, and you did a great job of showing the despair at the end of it, and then in the stark contrast of Chapter 1 the expectation and hesitation at the beginning of it.

 

Interesting portrayal of Hitler - you made us stop and think about him a little more. Not in any manner that tried to excuse or justify his actions (which is not possible), but rather showing the despair and crushed dreams that he would have felt, that we seldom stop to even consider.

 

The contrast of the Prologue and Chapter 1 immediately caught my interest, as did the promise of conflict between both Falke and Lara, and Falke and what the SA is growing into.

 

Well written, smooth and easy to read. I was a bit intimidated by the German names and titles at the beginning and trying to follow/understand them, but as I began to read it was clear that you were slowly introducing us to each character and explaining the German words the first time it was used, so that we could grow to follow it...and yet stay more immersed in the culture than were it completely in English. Nicely done!

 

One critique I would offer (since you asked ) was this part:

 

”œThough I have to say Falk, the uniform does look mighty spiffy, you almost look like a grown man.”

Edited April 27, 2011 by Guest

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I really like this addition. The little edits that you made, at least I think, tighten the piece up a bit. But it was good before. I really like the tense setting of this section. As I said in my PM, it reminded me of the same tenseness that you see in Inglorious Basterds, as Jews try to fool Nazis and hide who they are. Very well done.

[DarthBrendo]

Nice addition...and Karl Brandt? A bold move Tim. Good work.

 

A few critiques, if I may.

 

The first paragraph felt quite stilted. This would have worked if there were some solid, meaty pieces of information, or a revelation or something equally startling, but for simple descriptive work it isn't *really* appropriately....there's no flow and it doesn't really allow the reader to get *inside* the story, in my opinion. You could combine the first two sentences, and then the third and fourth, and possibly even the fifth sentences. The sixth sentence works quite well by itself, it has some impact, but the seventh and eighth sentences should be combined as well.

 

This seems to continue through the post...I don't know if it's an effect you're trying to employ, but for me it just feels stilted and jerky.

 

Stating that they're at the entrance of the Jewish ghetto of Berlin is redundant, as you've already established they're in Berlin in the first sentence, the "Jewish ghetto" by itself would suffice.

 

I like the scene you're setting though, and I'm really interested to see where this goes.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Nice update, Delta. To echo DB... Karl Brandt? Wow! Bold move to bring him in. Good work.

 

You are doing a great job of keeping the tension level high as we wait to find out what will happen to Abram. I thought you did a good job on your dialogue, especially between Brandt and Falke. I can feel Falke's fear of discovery even as he tries to speak very calmly. Brandt is Nazi through and through, and it was a good touch to have him so excited in his early "aspirations" for "doctor." Ugh...makes me shudder a bit, though!

 

On my first read-through I didn't catch the stilted feel that DB pointed out, however after glancing at least through the first paragraph I can see what he means. Some choppiness may help increase the tension of the piece, but I would also recommend trying to do a little combining.

 

A few other minor things...

Falk's steps hesitated Of all the places to be caught with a Jew, in the full Sturmabteilung uniform, would earn the strictest punishment.

You need some basic edits here, it looks like perhaps a few sentences were changed/combined but never finalized. Also, you could add some detail - why is that the worst place to be caught? Because the Jews at the ghetto may notice and get angry? Because his superior SA officers are still strictly enforcing behavior immediately around the ghetto?

 

He readjusted his grip upon Abram, who sobbed in pain.

Abram seemed to be unconscious this entire time, and when I first read this I had to go back and make sure he didn't appear awake any other time. Abram's sob of pain is a good point - it shows just had badly he has been hurt outside of the head wound, as you mention directly after. Still, for the sake of consistency if would help if you can make it clear that Abram is still unconscious here.

 

”œLara, Cover up the writing on his blouse!”

[DarthBrendo]

How are you going with this one Delta? More any time soon?

[Delta73]

I am working on a chapter at the moment, and after work I should be able to fully proofread it and send it onto my Beta. There should be something up by the weekend. It has been a busy week.

[Travis]

I don't know how I missed this being posted. I know you sent me the first part and I enjoyed it, but I had missed that you posted it here. I will keep an eye on this and offer more intense critique if you desire. The others seem to have done well on going over this one.

 

Also, don't forget to edit the topic title with the date of the last update.

[DarthBrendo]

Awesome Tim. I'll look forward to it.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

If you don't update this story soon then I hope you get attacked with garrote wire.

[Delta73]

I am so sorry about the long wait everyone! I should be able to keep writing, we'll see! Thank you so much!

 

Part 1 -Chapter 3

 

Falk and Lara sat in silence, their nerves still jittery from the encounter with Karl Brandt. Falk's fingers jumped upon his pant-leg, as if he was playing some sort of drum, his eyes darting around the small hospital room. Lara sighed, and clasped her hand upon his, ceasing its nervous jumping. She turned to him, with a bright smile lighting up the gloomy hospital ward. Her auburn coloured head lay nestled in his brown clothed shoulder. It was remarkably peaceful sitting there, watching the sleeping Abram. Falk and Lara were left alone with the sleeping Abram, alone to watch the steady rise and fall of his broad chest.

 

A long deep breath was followed only with a ragged exhale. Falk shifted uncomfortably, having been present for many long hours, watching the old man sleep. Abram would most likely be asleep for quite a while, for Brandt had said the recovery could last for much of the week. Not intent on staying all that long, he recalled his responsibilities, such as school, but more imminently the explanation of his actions to his superiors in the Sturmabteilung. Just the uncomfortable thought of whatever sort of story he might have to concoct brought up back to his feet. He had to concot some story, and fast, before one of his superiors came bursting through the door. He felt slightly sick at the idea, getting caught in a lie would get him in some awful trouble. In addition, the ward smelled of the putrid rot associated with an old infection. The smell of which severely compounded his already roiling stomach.

 

With a click of his black boots upon the stained tiles, he quickly made his way to Abram. Falk grimaced as he saw the head-wound and he nearly lost control of his churning stomach. The wound had luckily stopped seeping blood onto the pillowcase, but it still looked remarkably nasty in contrast to Abram's pale skin. The gasp that Falk let slip woke the sleeping Lara, who questioned his outburst.

 

”œWhat is it?”

Edited July 24, 2011 by Guest

[DarthBrendo]

He winced, before adjusting his collar in a typical soldier's manner, ”œWell I am still trying to figure out how to explain this all to my friend's becau-”

[Delta73]

He winced, before adjusting his collar in a typical soldier's manner, ”œWell I am still trying to figure out how to explain this all to my friend's becau-”

[jedi_master_gimpy]

I'm glad to see this being updated, Delta! I was worried that it would get lost. I'm again struck by the tensions you are continuing to build here - within Falke, with Lara, with the SS, and with Germany as a whole. You're continuing to keep those in play in every post - and growing them, in fact, most notably by the outward tension with Lara. Excellent job with that!

 

You also do a good job of including the details that make this come alive in my imagination: Falke's fingers jumping on his leg like a drum, Lara's concerned touch, stained tiles, etc. They add so much to the story as well!

 

As some constructive criticism I would point out that a lot of the sentences, especially in the first few paragraphs, are short and almost uniform in length. It creates a sort of stilted rhythm instead of a nice flow, and could be easily fixed by combining some sentences together or adding detail here or there. I would suggest reading it aloud a few times to see how it reads, this may help catch those instances. Also, you could lengthen this chapter a little more by simply filling in some gaps. If you read through it, Falke seems to suddenly jump (after a paragraph of contemplation) from being stuck in his seat (Lara's head is on his shoulder) to being on his feet approaching Abram, with Lara asleep behind him. You make such good use of detail that this seems slightly abrupt, you could easily add in a few sentences of Falke transitioning from "shift[ing] uncomfortably" to easing Lara's head off of his shoulder and walking over to investigate.

 

People couldn't just willingly submit themselves to evil, could they?

I loved this last line! Lara is terrified of what is happening, and even more terrified that Falke will turn into someone she no longer recognizes. We all want to believe that people cannot willingly choose evil... unfortunately, it is not something we have to be taught to do, though!

[Delta73]

Thank you all for the wonderful critique, Just wanted to let anyone who was still interested know that I am working on another chapter. Also: I will edit all the past posts so that all the weird changes that were made when the forum got switched are normal again.

[Travis]

Good, I want to see more of your posts. You need to grit your teeth and get back into this because as soon as you do and get past the first chapter or so, you may very well find that it is a LOT of fun. That is how I cranked out near 100,000 words in less than two months. You can do the same if you really get passionate and start building up your characters in your head until they become real and their reactions are natural to you.

[DarthBrendo]

Glad to hear it.

[Travis]

You hear that, Tim, the masses are clamoring at the gates demanding for more!

[DarthBrendo]

Do you have an eta on your next post at all Tim?

[Travis]

Brendo, I think we need to light to torches and get out the pitchforks.

[DarthBrendo]

I'm happy to give him a chance to respond first.