King Kheldar vos Correlli Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 (edited) Alright ladies & gents, a proposal I wish to grace this fine community with. I've been working on a science fiction novel (alas, nothing SW at all in it) for the past few years and have ended up in a rut. It's been "complete" for ages, but in severe need of revision. That said, I'm willing to run it off, chapter by chapter as a serial here if I can get feedback. I'm hoping to get it published eventually so after interest vanishes or I have the entire sum of it up, the posts containing it will be deleted/edited into oblivion. That said, any interest? Edited January 31, 2009 by Guest The monarch of madness has returned! [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.] [2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 That sounds rather interesting. Well of course you need to delete it once you want to publish it, because of copyright issues. And maybe if we help you greatly, you can give us free copies if it really gets published. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Yes, please do post it! Anything to liven this place up a bit! (Just don't do the whole 'talk-for-a-dozen-posts-or-so-about-posting-the-story-and-then-never-post-even-one-actual-chapter-of-it' routine. Waaay too many people do that.) Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 YES PLEASE!!!!! I know it's awesome! I wanna read more! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kheldar vos Correlli Posted June 5, 2008 Author Share Posted June 5, 2008 Here is the first chapter. All rights & copyrights are retained by yours truly and reserved. Criticisms and critiques welcome, and with that said, in the event I do get published, I'll do my best to send out signed copies to all here (Even you Nat, though I suspect shipping will be... yeah...) That said, enjoy. (And the pronounciation is Air-EE- ohn) The Arreon Chronicles: Volume 1 Part 1: April-June 2649 RE Chapter 1 A young man and a young woman hurried along a cement path on campus, barely enjoying the clear spring breeze that washed over them, lost in a heated argument. The young woman lead the way, speaking over her shoulder to the young man trailing just behind her. ”œSo, let's just forget it. The lecture is in fifteen minutes.” The monarch of madness has returned! [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.] [2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Yay! Nice! I have told you before maybe but yeah it leaves you intrigued and wanting to know more. Only thing I think about that is that biggest full equipped indoor lecture hall should be largest. MORE SOON PLEASE! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Wow! Cool - and already I sense an ominous undercurrent. The only thing I really didn't like was your opening sentence. A young man and a young woman hurried along a cement path on campus, barely enjoying the clear spring breeze that washed over them, lost in a heated argument. The young woman lead the way, speaking over her shoulder to the young man trailing just behind her. In the second sentence, you made it clear that it was a young man and a young woman. I would start it out like this: "The clear spring breeze that washed over the campus was barely noticed by the two students that hurrying along the cement path, lost in a heated argument. The young woman led..." Continue with the rest. At least use "students" or "young couple" in that introductory sentence. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 (edited) This is in serious need of revision. The second sentence has a typo in it. I'm going to assume the rest is of the same quality. The HELL EPIC: Volume 1: The Tomb of Good Part 1: April-June 2649 RE Chapter 1 A callous young man and really angry young woman walked down the fiery hellscape, boasting of their allegiance to the devil while using their hands to play an evil hymn on a violin, strolling along a road of human flesh on DEMON campus, barely enjoying the clear Hell breeze that washed over them like a disease, lost in a heated argument against good. The young woman lead the way, speaking over her shoulder to the young evil man trailing just behind her, dragging a heavy bag full grenades for the war. ”œSo, let's just forget it. The possession is in fifteen minutes.” Edited April 14, 2009 by Guest [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Great start, KVC! As some of the others have said, it pulls you in with the ominous undercurrent. I like the technology of the crystal, and you captured my attention right away. I also like the dynamic between Ian and Sarah. You lost me a bit in the section describing the crystal on the platform, but I figured it was important enough to merit that kind of detailed description. I noticed a typo--it should be "brilliant" (toward the end). Nice job! Looking forward to seeing more! SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Just go with my section. It's alot better, and makes sense because it identifies with the reader. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Kheldar, that needs to be in your novel. As someone who's worked in the field of publishing, I can honestly say that those changes are very necessary. That's speaking as a friend and as a member of that specific profession which I am heavily involved in. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Ok, since you want this to become a novel, my artillery is out. *coughs* (wait before I start is there a diff between the first and the second world - are they sort of parallel universes?) *coughs* anyway, 1. the starting needs to have a bit more impact to draw in the reader. You could do this with more descriptions of the surroundings. If this is a sci-fi novel, it's going to have a specific audience, and looking at the first post, it seems like this is going to be some chick-lit thing of high school and crushes. 2. If the point is to contrast with the first, add in a prologue that will hook the reader. 3. For the second part, there seems to be too many 'evil's in it. Yeah, we get it, they're evil, but at least do it with more style. eg recklessly made their evil way show how. or else it'll seem like overkill. 4. Lots of grammar errors and missing punctuation in this. 5. The second part seems rather amateurish. The myriad imagery seems a bit overkill to me, like you're were either high on drugs/extremely horny at that time. ok, but we'll see how this goes. /endeditor Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I hate posting without critique--I mean, I DO have critique, I'm just too fried to go through it right now. There are word and grammar errors you'll want to go through before sending out to publication... I would flip around the beginning bits, the beginning sentence is very important. Begin with the first line of dialogue and then add the description after it and I think you'd have a better hook... It had an interesting feel of both science fiction and fantasy and I liked that. Very interesting. Welcome to fanfic. Your NSW works are welcome here, no worries. 1. the starting needs to have a bit more impact to draw in the reader. You could do this with more descriptions of the surroundings. If this is a sci-fi novel, it's going to have a specific audience, and looking at the first post, it seems like this is going to be some chick-lit thing of high school and crushes. I disagree... no prologues. Especially not in science-fiction. I got a feel of 'soft sci-fi' from what I read and it's definately worth keeping in mind your audience and editing correctly for that... a hard sci-fi audience will want a different feel than others. I found it suitable for soft sci-fi and a decent display of contrast. But also as the sort of reader that would be interested in the lighter beginning, I would be thrown off by the huge descriptions of the crystal. All said, your writing is good, but I would edit before submitting. It contains word and grammar errors in places and there isn't enough of a hook in place yet. I also found you did a lot of describing and not enough showing. Show, don't tell. It was INTERESTING, but not publishable quality yet. Darsha said it pretty well. Also, I'm not sure if Darth Grief's post was by you or someone else. Anyway, we're willing to critique you and tear it apart. It's definately in need of revisation. Most of what they said is what I'd say, I'd just be more specific, so I'll end here. Post on. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Darth Grief is certainly not KVC. I think I'm going to revise more of your novel today too, Kheldar. The scene where Ian decides to racistly kill a judge will be omitted no longer. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Grief Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 YES I AM (5:46:09 PM) Five Wing Seraph: make a thread called "I want to get plastic surgery to get tusks grafted into my mouth" (5:46:18 PM) Prince Scumbag: okay (5:46:21 PM) Prince Scumbag: after this one gets closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Griefy, mate... A couple joke posts are okay, but if you have nothing to say it's really just post count spam--and that's much more acceptable in Poodoo. I'm letting LAP go because it still counts as reader criticism, kind of... ish... but if it gets out of hand I will edit your posts. Both of you guys. LAP, you are TECHNICALLY offering edits from the point of view of a certain audience (potentially horror satire, which IS an interesting notion, you know?) But in the interest of keeping this a serious discussion and critique about a story, I'll have to ask you guys to make sure your 'edit' posts (even you guys who are serious) are obviously not part of the story, and keep your posts of more substance than 'yes I am!'. Unless it doesn't bother KvC... I mean, if he's enjoying your comments, go ahead. If, however, it does become a bother to those of us trying to read the story or the original poster, I'll have to ask you to take it to Poodoo (or even another thread in here would be fine. ) and make a 'rewriting fanfics thread'. Just so it doesn't get confusing to follow the story and comment on it. Darsha, I'm believing the only real part of this story is actually just the post by KKVC... relax. O_o ...And if that really was part of the story... erm... don't alias post? o_O Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I have known KVC for 10 years in real life and so has Darth Grief. He more than appreciates the criticism we're making. It's going to be a permanent aspect of the editing process. It supercedes Jedi.net. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kheldar vos Correlli Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 AP & Grief are old friends, but I'm the only one posting actual parts of the novel. The introduction, I've taken a closer look at. In the initial draft, I started with the dialogue, sans the description, and wasn't sure how to contextualize it. I think Anakin's suggestion is on key, though after the first couple lines as Tiana suggested. That said, Chapter Two: Chapter 2 The government building in Rashguard stood at the center of town, made out of a series of interconnected towers. One of those towers held the city administrative center, with the mayor's office, city council, and various beaucratic offices necessary to meet the needs of Rashguard's 500 million people. Taller than the government's administrative complex was the Rashguard Municipal Law Enforcement Building, a tower capping out at two miles, making it the tallest building in the city. It held the local courts, municipal police, the local section of the intelligence bureau, the regional army command center, and finally, the offices of the Special Forces. I an arrived at the entrance at the 1.5 mile level, taking a bus on the central L-way, heading down from campus. Passing through an opaque black glass door, Ian entered the building. Greeted inside by silver paneled walls, and a shining floor of the same color, Ian felt relaxed as he made his way through the lobby to an elevator ready to take him to the testing area. The officer waiting to meet Ian stood fast in the pale red uniform of a Rashire Special Forces officer. His high forehead and black hair, spiking up and ruffling out along the sides of the head reminded Ian of someone he knew. The officer pulled out a clip board. ”œMr. Ian Brooks?” The monarch of madness has returned! [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.] [2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I have known KVC for 10 years in real life and so has Darth Grief. He more than appreciates the criticism we're making. It's going to be a permanent aspect of the editing process. It supercedes Jedi.net. Yes, yes, I'm sure. Look, I think the posts are funny--basically, as long as KvC's okay with it (he hasn't complained yet), I won't complain. I'm just here to keep the peace. I'm going to now, pick on a certain mistake you keep making. ”œRogues.” Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Me bad. Didn't notice that the pieces were posted by other people everyone looks the same to me ! I like the idea of a hard-wired brain i wish mine could be like that too. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I like it! I love how you have your MC fail, and then hit him with a difficult choice right away. And I like the ominous feeling underneath. The one thing I wasn't sure I liked was the way you had the Special Forces commanders telling Ian everything that's going on with the organization. It doesn't seem like such an organization would be so free with their info as to share that much with someone they haven't even hired. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Grief Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Griefy, mate... A couple joke posts are okay, but if you have nothing to say it's really just post count spam I dunno, I'm just gonna take a wild guess here, but I'm thinking that if I'm registered for six years with a total post count of 156 (that's an average of roughly two posts per month, if you're a stats sort of person) I'm not exactly, uh, in it to try to run up my post count. (5:46:09 PM) Five Wing Seraph: make a thread called "I want to get plastic surgery to get tusks grafted into my mouth" (5:46:18 PM) Prince Scumbag: okay (5:46:21 PM) Prince Scumbag: after this one gets closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Yeahhh, likely not. Don't worry about it, it's all good now. (coughs) MORE. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Kheldar vos Correlli Posted June 7, 2008 Author Share Posted June 7, 2008 Chapter 3 The cab they caught from the Arcopolis dropped them off about a half a mile away from their rendezvous, flying clear across the city. The cabbie gave the two a suspicious look, but never said anything. Trent paid the fare and then escorted Ian through the industrial district at the bottom of Rashguard, running close by the city's massive dockyards. Ian ignored the overwhelming and looming buildings above him and reluctantly followed his friend further into the labyrinth, a smell of sewage and sea air assailing his nose. Lights from above grew dim and eventually became shut out by the massive foundations and towering megaliths. Only a sickly glow from streetlights that were far and few between gave Ian and his guide the light they needed to see. As they made their way down a narrow, rusty smelling alleyway, Trent stopped suddenly and turned to look Ian directly in the eye. ”œThis is your last chance, Ian,” The monarch of madness has returned! [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.] [2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 This is definitely getting more of a sci-fi feel. And I'm getting the feeling Ian's going to be regretting this decision. And the feeling that Sarah's idolized professor has something to do with this all. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 ok it looks interesting now! Just I don't like the use of 'cabs' sounds to real world to me... Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 No more joke novel posts. Things got out of hand with the last one. I've left LAP's first for now. But due to the nature of that last post, I have removed the other 'parody' posts. It was funny for a little while, but then it just turned into fiction graffiti. Any further posts of the sort will be removed. Let's keep it to approprate behavior for a serious literary board here. For example, work safe posts... Anyway, it's an interesting story so far, definately picking up on the sci-fi feel. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Ok then... Sorry Robbie. Your real life friends have been booted by someone none of us will ever know in a formal or real life setting. My suggestion: take your work to real editors, not a bunch of high school AP english students. Tiana, I know you're just doing your job. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Grief Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I would argue that my contribution was a masterpiece in the field of "assertive revision". I simply examined the underlying subconscious themes of your work and kneaded the language until they surfaced. It's what you always intended it to be. (5:46:09 PM) Five Wing Seraph: make a thread called "I want to get plastic surgery to get tusks grafted into my mouth" (5:46:18 PM) Prince Scumbag: okay (5:46:21 PM) Prince Scumbag: after this one gets closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Guys, I'm sorry I had to remove your posts. But the last one went against the rules of the site in general and it's easier to just forbid it entirely rather than spending my time keeping a close eye on this thread to hope it doesn't get repeated. Nothing personal. It was funny until someone--I don't know if it was you or someone else entirely--stepped out of bounds. Which could have been funny if Jedi.net wasn't supposed to be a SFW site. As for the editing thing, I suggest not: first run it through people like us. Professionals cost a lot more and there's always a strong likelyhood of being scammed. It's recommended by agents and editors alike that stories be sent to multiple readers to get varying opinions, rather than just one professional opinion. I would argue that my contribution was a masterpiece in the field of "assertive revision". I simply examined the underlying subconscious themes of your work and kneaded the language until they surfaced. It's what you always intended it to be. That is awesome. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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