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Anakin T Skywalker

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  1. Ummmmm the just-woken up me has some issue with this... the word 'aflame' seems more like an adjective to 'hung' than to the lamp... umm. arg. "Aflame" is correctly placed here - it is not an adjective, but an adverb, describing how the lamps hung, which consequently describes the lamps themselves. The language is mildly archaic, but that is completely in keeping with the tone of this passage. Sorry... I believe tapestries are woven? If not they're paintings. /art major On this you may be right, and it is entirely my fault for not catching it. Ummm. "There were too many to count" just seems like a lousy way to end this really descriptive passage. I mean, you did say plethora. Maybe something like Higher up, a plethora of banners hung from the ceiling, (cos it already looks like Gantoris has had his eye caught by a lot of stuff) almost covering the entirety of the golden dome. (uh, or something like that). I disagree. I think it is a very good tying-off to the descriptive passage. While it may not be strictly necessary with the earlier use of the word "plethora," it is by no means redundant. You can have a plethora of items and still be able to count them, though perhaps not at a single glance; but more importantly, saying it this way emphasizes the fact that we are talking about the number of star systems Hale has visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi order. It's a rather astonishing feat, to have visited an uncountable number of star systems in a lifetime, let alone a tenure. No tell! Show! like how he showed is interest to the other chars, like an increased intensity of his gaze or soemthign. This should be interesting was meant to be part of Gantoris' thoughts and should have been italicized. In fact, it was in the original selection, if you'll just look back in the thread. This portion of the story is more or less from Gantoris' point of view, however, and he probably doesn't intentionally betray his interest - nor is he watchign himself and observing his own reactions. Therefore, it would not make sense in this case to "show" how his physical reactions express increased interest. I hereby ban you from knowing every single thought in a character's heaad.kinda irritating. "He thought this and he thought this, and then poof!" Only reserve this for more intellectual scenes. Long thoughts bore the reader. Would you be claiming that you are not intellectual enough for this? LOLJK Again, I disagree with you. This is from Gantoris' point of view; do you think possibly Gantoris knows every thought in his own head? Gantoris' mind is here used as the vehicle for understanding what is going on in the meeting. It is very effective as a more dramatic, mysterious form of revelation, as Gantoris himself does not know the full extent of what is occurring. In essence, it is "showing, not telling." unless you can think of a physically descriptive way to portray this information?
  2. Argh argh! 'Coloured' and 'favourite' butchered in the same sentence! American spelling, Dartha. Or were you just kidding?
  3. As I said before, excellent job. As others have said, it was a very enjoyable read, and a well-described scene. I'm excited for the next part!
  4. Well, sor-RY, I was only trying be helpful.
  5. Good plot, but still too much passive voice. Also, don't refer to Partin as "the girl" quite so often as you do. When you do it twice in two successive sentences, it sounds clumsy.
  6. Awww... very amusing. Strictly speaking, I believe I heard somewhere that Yoda's cooking, though some of the ingredients are unusual, tastes all right - but it's much more entertaining to think of it this way!
  7. There is an animated movie. The use of the characters is pretty much the only resemblance to the book, however. I enjoy the movie, too, but I much prefer the book. And OMG YOU'VE GOT IT! YES, Howl behaves like a bumbling dimwit to cover up the cogs going inside his head. He's always thinking about and solving at least eleven and a half ridiculously difficult problems inside his head, several of which often require the use of magic, and the only bit of brain he has left to devote to normal interaction is usually just enough to get him to behave on the level of the average three-year-old. Oh, and the thing about Sophie, making lunch for him and mending his clothes and such? Completely normal in Ingary, which is a world equivalent to perhaps the mid- to late- eighteenth century.
  8. Yeah, I might write a LOTR fic if I ever thought of a plot for one... but I haven't come up with one that's worthy of writing. I used to try, but everything I thought of was just silly.
  9. Haha! Yes, Tiana, I had a strong feeling you would hate this set of characters, if for no other reason than that I know in person someone who reminds me extremely of you - who also hates them. So much that, though we only became friends just this year, she's trying to convince me not to like them. Now, there is a little more to Howl than meets the eye, but based on my other friend's reaction, I think you most likely wouldn't see it. No, you are exactly the sort of person to whom I would unreccommend the original work. Sorry, but I don't think I'll be writing any LOTR fics in the near future. It just seems a little too sacred for me to mess with, somehow. I do plan to write more Star Wars, however, as well as more of this fandom. (One of the most fun parts of writing in this fandom is trying to nail down the author's style.) I feel I ought to let you know, though, that Sophie herself can do magic. Her magic is just rather non-traditional. Oh, and Sophie and Howl are both in their twenties. You seem to have gotten the idea that Howl, at least was an elderly sort of Wizard. He's not; my bad. Not that either of those things are terribly relevant to this particular story, but... just thought I'd throw that out there, in case it helps anyone.
  10. Wow! I think that just made my day! I am very, very flattered, Ami. I tried very hard to mimic the style of the original author, Diana Wynne Jones, so if you liked this, you should enjoy the books even more. And I'm glad you're intrigued to read them - it seems fair that way. If I get to play with DWJ's characters, I suppose I ought to attract some readers for her books, eh? Do read them - they may be children's books, but they're delightful! Anyway, after all that plugging - thanks!
  11. Title: SRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED - NSW, Howl's Moving Castle (book, of course!) Rating: G Rated for: Perfectly innoccuous Critique level: [CRITIQUE ENCOURAGED] Author's note: I'm guessing most of you will not have read the book this is based on. This will make a few things hard to understand, unfortunately. While I can't possibly explain all the little inside jokes, here is a brief synopsis of the book plot to familiarize you with the characters. WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE BOOK AHEAD!!! The story takes place in the land of Ingary, where fairy tales and magic are common, everyday things. Sophie, a young girl who works in a hat shop, is cursed and turned into an old woman by the evil Witch of the Waste. She goes off looking for someone to help her get rid of the curse and runs into the magical moving castle that belongs to the Wizard Howl, who is called "heartless" and is rumored to steal and eat the hearts of young girls. In the castle, Sophie meets Michael, the Wizard's apprentice, and a fire demon named Calcifer, who is bound to the castle by contract with the Wizard. Sophie enters a bargain with Calcifer: if she can break his contract and free him, he will help her remove her curse. Sophie must accomplish this without the knowledge of the Wizard Howl, who is extremely vain, dramatic, childish, selfish, and very powerful and intelligent. His outward actions are almost never what they initially appear to be, and his every move is suffused with ulterior motives. Sophie, who is practical, sensible and mature, is continually frustrated and infuriated by the Wizard, particularly since she must live in his castle under the pretense of being a cleaning lady in order to find out how to break the contract. Against, however, she gradually finds herself falling in love with Howl. After some time, Sophie finds out that Calcifer was once a star, who fell from the sky and was doomed to die, until he was caught by Howl, who offered the fire demon his heart in exchange for his services. The heart kept Calcifer alive, but the contract began to have serious drawbacks for them both, including Howl's nature being slowly taken over by the fire demon's. In addition, the Witch of the Waste, who has been completely taken over by her own fire demon, is plotting to get ahold of Howl's heart, killing both the Wizard and the fire demon. With Sophie's help, Howl and Calcifer are able to vanquish both the Witch and her fire demon, and Sophie is able to safely return Howl's heart to him without harming Calcifer. Once again possessing his heart, Howl confesses that he has been falling in love with Sophie and suggests that the two of them live happily ever after together, which, of course, they do - in two other books that I will not summarize for you at this time. My fanfic comes in between the first and second books. And now that the ridiculously long summary is out of the way, without further ado, I present: ************************************************************* STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED ************************************************************* It was one of those hot, heavy days, when the air is damp and dense even in the early morning, and the low clouds on the horizon look as if they resent being awakened. The sky had already been a blazing, brilliant blue when Sophie had awoken, even though the pale, burning white sun had not been up very long. Now it was half past midday, and the sky was gone violet-gray with low, rumbling clouds. The sun seemed to be cowering behind them, and already sheets of rain were veiling the hills in the distance. The dishes from the noon meal were already done; Sophie hadn't been any more inclined to cook than Michael had been to eat hot food on such a stifling, sweltering day, so they had done with bread, cheese and jam. Afterwards, Michael had gone off to weather the coming storm with Martha at Cesari's bakery, leaving the castle to Sophie and Calcifer. Now Sophie was hanging out the door as Calcifer moved the castle through the flower fields skirting the Waste, trying to catch a cool breeze chasing ahead of the storm up on the high hills. She'd given up on the flower shop for the day; no one had been in all morning, and no one was likely to come out during the thunderstorm about to pummel Market Chipping. Besides, the flowers all were wilting, despite her efforts to talk life back into them. They didn't seem to want to be about in the heat anymore than the customers did. The door that Sophie clung to gave a sudden rattle and a shake. She drew back from it in surprise and some alarm. It had never done that before. The rattle came again, but it was followed by a great gust of wind, flattening grasses and tearing at flowers as it swept the meadows. It pulled the door right out of Sophie's hand and slammed it open against the side of the castle. Flower petals whirled into the room and floated to the floor. ”œSophie, it's Howl!”
  12. Well done indeed, LAP! I really liked the way you added more description, too! Yes, sadly, no matter how many times I go through a document, I always invariably miss one or two little things. I even found one that I missed over and over again, and so far no one else has found: It's the wrong verb tense. Sorry, I'll have to try even harder next time.
  13. I've never read Stephen King. I wasn't trying to copy him. As much as anything else I wanted to write what happened because it helps me deal with weird stuff like this happening to me. I just tried to do it as creatively as I could, then set it up here to see what you guys thought. I put "room" in just exactly as many times as I thought it needed to be in. I'm sorry if its presence offends you.
  14. No!!! I want this to be the number one priority in your life, trumping classes, family, and any sort of job you've got to support yourself. I figured you would. In that case, I shall gladly abandon all else and give my life into your service, O Great One. *Formal Judo Bow*
  15. Oh, did I not make it clear? I'm the protagonist. Thanks again, that guy admitting the room scared him happened just last night, and I hoped the chill effect would carry across. I'm thrilled that it seems to have.
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