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fuzzy_ewok

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Everything posted by fuzzy_ewok

  1. The Ewoks heard the countdown reach one and winced and braced themselves, waiting for the inevitable explosion as the countdown reached one. The waited for the big, Forest-Moon Shattering kaboom... and then nothing. They looked at each other, one shrugging. On Endor, Supreme Glorious Leader Willet made sure if there was a countdown, there was always an explosion, so this defied logic. How did this happen? A few days back there was an unlucky, unlikely member of the Ewok raiding party. Mi'tchalad the Skull Eater, Crusher of Bones, Devourer of Sentients, and Welder of the 12-Fold Spear. He was also known as Mitch for short. A fierce warrior, he also had an incredible sweet tooth. He was relentless in scouring the poacher ship for signs of meat, even getting into a small crawl space near the ship's engines, using a stolen flashlight. One poacher had been flushed out by his efforts before. Now he found something that interested him. Off marooned space farers and even more hapless poachers in the past, Mitch discovered the joys of candy. There was one that translated out to Wrapzlers, red spun pieces of sweet candy in little vines. There was either a whole bunch of wires or a while bunch of Wrapzlers in this crawl space. Mitch, trusting it was the latter, bared his tiny Ewok teeth and took a big old bite. He was promptly electrocuted to death and his charred corpse remained stuck to the very frayed wire, which finally broke when null gravity lifted his burnt corpse away and ultimately stopped the countdown. The two Ewoks decide to finally get out of the fridge. They pull and push at the handle. They were very stuck. "Garooooo!" warned one.
  2. The last two Ewoks aboard the ship realized they were in deep trouble. The rushing sounds of wind told them that the ship was decompressing and for their part, they didn't intend to go down with it, even if they became its unofficial captains with the actual captain having been eaten. They weren't in a position to interfere with the escaping trio, and the sudden count down from one minute gave them pause. Those basic words sounded like the words used when the commanders were counting down to launch bombs. The big flashy kinds that lit up the sky and made you go blind if you looked right at them. Or made where if you got too close, you'd either start growing really big, strong and green when angry, or in about every other case except or that one-off, just get sick and have your fur fall out. One tried running into the ship's mess, kicking off walls in the zero-G and using his spear to pull himself on. He called out to his his friend: "Yub yub!" And with that, the tiny Ewok ran into the ship's refrigerator, hoping it was lead-lined, sealing it shut behind him. The other, stared, sure that wasn't actually the legendary Han Solo he was thinking of, but having no better options since the icy cold jaws of space and death awaited, joined him in the fridge.
  3. At the bridge, the two Ewoks struggling with the controls finally wriggled there way back down to the consoles, and one re-established the gravity, bringing everything down with a crash. Two seconds later, the gravity shut-off again as the Ewoks devolved into an argument over: 1) Whether it was cool or not to float and 2) Whether or not having not gravity would make it easier to find and catch their prey and bring it back home. The net effect was the two Ewoks, fighting over the console, caused the gravity to shut off, then suddenly turn back on, every couple of seconds. The three Ewoks trying to close in on the meat found this disturbing. They missed Main completely, and their tiny, spinning furry bodies were also hard to hit targets as well, adding to the confusion, at least until they got vaporized into char. A few if Malin's shots came close before then, singeing the fur off one Ewok's backside, causing a loud yelp and then more cursing in Ewok before it was taken. They were joined by their clanmate, who, only having his spear, launched himself forward, crawling, then jumping, having enough sense to stay close the ground as the gravity seemed to randomly turn on, then off. He caught the end of the fight and tried to claw his way closer. One fuzzy paw latched onto Malin's ankle and his spear raised back, ready for shish kabob. Meanwhile, the Ewoks, still fighting at the controls got really into it and started slamming other buttons. There was a red alarm sound and the ship's cargo bay started to open up again, causing decompression, along with all of the other hatches and doors. Gravity was shut off a final time as they found themselves not only launched away from the console, but slowly being drawn out of the cockpit, feeling the air remove itself. "Yub yub?" "Yub woohoo!"
  4. The two Ewoks who hung back regretted their hesitation. Dinner not only killed the Big Guy, but killed their friend too. Growling, they trained the blasters on Malin, ready to stun him and eat him alive. They failed immediately, their paws unable to work the trigger easily, then realized they had to disengage the safety. In the precious seconds as all that was happening, the Ewok "Bridge Crew" started pressing more shiny buttons, setting off more mischief. Attempt at engaging the thruster buttons did no good, the ship's engines still shorted and ionized. A wild comm on a distress beacon was sent out but only a short intra-system range. Last, and most immediate, was how the artificial gravity turned off, all over the ship. "Chautoa! Chauto! Whooop!" [Translation: I'm flying! I'm flying like the golden god of yore! The one who lead us to dine against the many meats with the white armored shells!] "Afotta! Afoota Gnurt!" came the retort. [Translation: I think you just turned off the gravity, dummy.] The third member of the bridge crew was trying to make his way to the fight by the cargo holds when he went flying and went into the ceiling with an audible "whump!" At the battlepoint with the pirates and the poacher, the two Ewoks found themselves flying up too, their blaster shots hitting the ray shields of the security droids as they tried to establish a fix on Malin, where presumably the poacher, the droids, the pirates, and the various items in the cargo-hold would all start floating around unless measures were taken.
  5. As the cargo bay depressurized, a faint "EEEEEEE!" followed by a whump was heard, followed by a scream. A lone Ewok sauntered in and started eating the remains there, caught in Sapphire's trap. He didn't get blown into space, but ended up getting caught against the door. Through a very grizzly, graphic process that's unfit for this message board and about as pleasant as sharing a thread with Archer, he ended up not only losing all of the air in his lungs, but most of his internal organs went out into space too, leaving a somewhat meaty, uncured Ewok rug slumped against the closed cargo bay door, wedged against a heavy box. The Ewoks were now down to 7 remaining between the four killed by Malin and now this one. Two remained at the controls, trying to pilot the ship, but the four that went on the offensive were a force to be reckoned with. Five feet tall, frothing, and with bloodshot eyes, the Ewok colossus carried a double bladed battle axe made of a irradiated metal. One with a spear kept his distance behind him, but the second and third held onto blasters taken from the other poachers. They were set to stun, having figured out after killing one of the poachers with a fully powered shot turned the meat into well done and that just cooked out all the flavor. With the colossus leading the charge, the small horde bore down on the last poacher trapped in front of the droid's shields, the heavy axe whistling through the air with bits of bone-encrusted flesh still stuck to the edges. The two blaster armed ones hung back, being both smart enough to figure out to use these advanced weapons and to know it was much better to let someone else do the fighting.
  6. The two Ewoks howled and scratched at the airlock entrance, the weapons banging on the hatch, trying to get in, angry at being denied their prey. As the pirates and the smuggler discussed business their frenzied howls could be heard. One of them, a bit more sane and rational than his compatriot, paused, trying to remember something Great Leader Willet once said about doors like this. He stepped back and looked at a small panel with weird characters mounted next to the door that was about a foot taller than he was. He grabbed the spear from his frothing companion, offering him his hook knives in exchange and then started randomly poking buttons. A mellow beeping noise was heard and with a gleeful chortle, he pressed the button again, followed by another. Finally, his new spear pressed one in Aurebesh, that if he was literate would have been his first choice, reading "Airlock Release". Just as the pirates and droids would have fallen into formation, a hissing sound of depressurization would be heard, clearly indicating that the battle was coming to them. Behind the duo, more frenzied growls could be heard as the remaining Ewoks rushed to the site of the battle. The Ewok now carrying the spear showed another bit of remarkable initiative, dropping and rolling under the door as it started to lift up, springing with a "Rawr!" at the ankles of the nearest creature if could find. Its teeth promptly shattered as it bit into the ankle of a Lemnos security droid. Uncaring it was now in a room full of hostiles, the Ewok sat down and cried, clutching its jaw. Its companion, still insane and forthing, followed him in rolling under the door as it opened and made a yell at the walking bag-o-meat closest to the door, fangs out, going right after the one he smelled and chased down from earlier, his knives flashing.
  7. Four of the hunters heard the hold door open and, one actually using an Ewok battle horn, they blared out a call to arms. This had the unfortunate effect of all but deafening the horn bearer and the other three in his approximately vicinity. Shaking their furry little heads, they yelled out a series of battle cries and charged. They caught sight of a walking meal making a spring for another part of the ship. Two of the four, finding a meal already cooked, even if only partially cooked and slightly overdone in some regard, simply shrugged and stopped to go for the meal already generously provided for them, simply sitting down in the hall of the ship and munching. It'd been too long since they had a full meal, one setting his horn down beside him and taking out a small, rusty metal thermos. "Woouha! Woouha?" [Translation: "Would you like some tea with your Quarren?"] "Chuta! Yub yub!" [Translation: "Yes, please. Good manners are so rare these days."] Two Ewoks, one with a spear carrying a serrated edge, the other carrying a pair of wicked looking hooked daggers, yelled, chasing after Malin, the one with the spear literally frothing at the mouth, his eyes bloodshot. They weren't able to catch up, their short little legs only able to carry them so far, but they smelled out his trail and kept on, their cries, louder than intended because of their hearing impairment, an obvious tell of how close they were approaching from behind.
  8. Supply and demand necessitated that as an object was more precious and sought after, it would be more valuable. A better question would be why, even with the Ewok's endangered nature, the pelts were still very rare and worth 10,000 credits each, when more dangerous game like whole rancor leathers fetched a lesser price. About the hawk freighter, a trio of tiny Ewoks wearing the red armbands of the Viet Wok sat down. One fussed over the controls, a confused expression on his tiny little furry face. "Awuita! Awuita!" He cried, pressing a button that caused the system to dump its waste into orbit. The two other Ewoks ignored him, sitting down on the floor, a spear in one hand, the other carrying a stone handaxe, both dripping blood as they casually each ate a human arm and leg respectively. The attempted poachers had been successful in their first few days on the burned out shell of the Forest Moon, the Viet-Wok, surviving in caves and even a few dedicated fallout shelters, leading the poachers to a rival enclave. The rival Ewoks taken were feral and vicious, and their pelts of dubious quality though still authentic despite the pronounced hair loss on some of them along with some various obvious radiation burns. The poachers, drunk on their success let their guard down on the third night. The next two days were a nightmare for the survivors as the Viet-Wok infiltrated their ship, killing and eating, or in many other cases, eating and then killing the poachers. The beleaguered survivors took refuge in a cargo hold to fend off the primitive, rabid horde. An Ewok colossus, a deadly hulking mutant Ewok, warped by the radiation was especially fearsome, coming in at five feet tall (Hey, these were still Ewoks...), but still all fangs, claws, and fur. One brave poacher confident his comrades in the cargo hold would be safe, tried to make a break for the cockpit. He was able to get the autopilot up, evading almost a dozen of the furry breasts including their mutant colossus. Once the ship took off, he was surrounded, skinned alive, and is currently being eaten. The life signs that could be scanned on the ship dropped from about 12 Ewoks and 3 very scared hunters down to 12 and 2, the remains of the other 6 hunters now scattered around the ship or resting in Ewok bellies. "Awatchuta!" the Ewok cried, hitting more buttons at random, this time turning off the gravity for a half-second. At 10,000 credits, one should really ask if something as bad as a rancor really was the most dangerous game?
  9. ((And at this point, for a 2 post duel, it'd be concluded. Since you're the challenger, any preferences on who you'd want to rule on the duel?))
  10. One thing that most officer training had was to shoot for the center of mass. It made sense as it ensured a better chance of hitting the target as well as optimizing the stopping power of one's blast. Fortunately, being a diminutive Ewok meant having a very small center of mass and once Willet realized the big likely tasty alien was going to fire at him, he lowered his axe protectively. The axe was not a lightsaber, it was not Sith Steel or anything that could reflect blaster bolts. It was enough to take the first shot that would have hit him though, the metal heating up red in a split second before breaking into blazing hot shards, all but exploding in the Ewok's paws. It also gave Willet the time he needed to close the distance as he chucked the burning axe at his opponent and then leapt at him in its wake. Many might question the wisdom of a tiny Ewok taking on a Herglic. Some might point out that an Ewok was physically no match. Such words were lost on Willet, who was crazy and launched himself up as best he could toward's the Herglic's face, claws out, his tiny, sharp foam-fleck teeth open wide, eyes brimming with a bestial madness. Against a human, those claws and fangs would rend flesh down to the skull if Willet had his way. How would Feldstar fare? "Aruta! Aruta! Yok!" [Translation: I require your face!]
  11. Willet paused, studying the giant before him as he was addressed, his large, bloodshot eyes eying the Herglic before him. He lowed his axe as well as Evan Blacksun's severed leg, slowly waddling closer. As best Willet could remember in his patch, maddened mind, he'd never eaten one of whatever that thing was before. "Club club commander!" he calls, then with no finesse, no strategy, and nothing other than sheer rabid brutality (and possibly rabid rabies), he lifts the axe and severed leg up, and run on at full speed, a simple attack to charge at the alien before him and cut him in twain. Willet considered that plan genius in its simplicity as he moved with surprising speed to close the distance, intending on a straight down chop to end this fight in a hurry. Anything after that as just for fun. He saw the dangling blaster pistol, but figured he'd be crunching and munching on its wielder before it could be fired. (1)
  12. ((Wyvernfall, you can take the first crack. I'll set up this post just to introduce our demented Ewok challenger. If you want to take the next post to set up yours, we can get this started properly.)) On the temperate, forest covered surface of Endor's aptly named Forest Moon, there moved an Ewok. The Ewok's name was Willet Wolly, and it ambled along through the thick undergrowth. It dressed itself in the traditional Ewok gear of a leather hood and kind of tunic, but on closer inspection, something was horribly, horribly wrong. The "leather" had a brittle quality, its color subtle hints of what sentient species it belonged to. The Ewok's large, teddy-bear eyes were bloodshot and specs of foam seemed to fleck from its mouth. The Ewok carried in one hand an absurdly large battle-axe, something that at first glance he should not have been able to carry, especially in one hand,. Given developments in alloys and metal strength though, the Ewok wielded the weapon that was more at home in the hands of a Gamorrean with ease, swinging it around just to hear it swish in the air. In his left paw, was the severed leg of Evan Blacksun, being waved around like a cross between a club and grisly trophy. A powerful explosive hung on its belt. Not his weapon of choice as he wasn't able to claim a thermal detonator from his latest victim, but a powerful incendiary grenade. "Cahuta! Cahuta! Woot! Woot! !" [Translation: I smell blood! Human blood! I shall feast on its marrow!] With a gleeful cackle, the little Ewok took off in the human's direction, letting out its battle cry. "CLUB CLUB COMMANDER!" ((Intro post))
  13. New Galactic Overlord Announces Start of Dark Reign A mysterious overlord, rumored to be named "Darth Mickey" has preportedly come to power, seizing the galaxy from behind the scenes. Gulping up a large share of intellectual property holdings to finance this coup, rumors are flying of a new super weapon in development. Time will tell what impact this new overlord has on the Galaxy. Hints are that a series of new, epic wars are brewing, ready to boil over in three years time, even with current machinations of the Sith aside. The only solid news we have confirmed is talks of a new era of merchandizing from that large IP grab sure to take the Galaxy's youth by storm. More news will be available as it develops.
  14. Shadowy Cabal Purchases Galaxy? Rumors surfacing a shadowy triumverate has purchased the galaxy. Galactic Associated Press Coruscant: Rumors have surfaced in the financial sector that large swathes of the Galaxy, if not the very Galaxy itself. Transcending even the Galactic Alliance, this group is rumored to have found a way to purchase planets, interspace, and everything. Reports are elusive, but some detective work has identified these parties. The first of these is confirmed to be a former Black Sun Vigo named Mindan Bret'c'hell. Word is he was involved in a split in Black Sun some time ago, allying with the Trando known as Piccolo. Since vanishing from the galactic scene, he is reputed to have gained enough wealth and forwarded the cabal to somehow buy up the Galaxy at large in what is rumored to be called the Ooyk Compact. The second member is less well known, reported to be one Mael Ti-anda, from Naboo. A one time dabbler in the Force arts and a smuggler, he too had vanished around the same time as Mindan. Reportedly the most remote of the trio in handling matters, we are hard pressed to find more information. The last of them simply goes by the name "Vaderman" in homage to the infamous Sith Lord who helped enforce Palpatine's Empire. Rumors were this individual was last seen in the Last Call drinking himself into a drunken stupor ages ago before he vanished. At this time, we have found some evidence of the Ooyk Compact deeding the Galaxy to the triumverate as "Administrators of Galactic Affairs" an apparently working through the Galactic Alliance, Black Sun, Jedi, and Sith. We tried inquiring what we still believe to be the galaxy's richest citizen, retired Corellian merchant prince Kheldar vos Correlli, but a representative of the trader declined comment on if Correlli lost that title. Black Sun agents, those who might be able to report on Mindan, also declined to comment, though it there was acknowledgement of his role in the organization. Speculation abounds: How did three nobodies, long absent on the galactic scene suddenly buy out the Galaxy? What does it mean for us? Is this part of some Black Sun plot? Or is this some absurd rumor? We report, you decide.
  15. Byss- the vacation resort planet of the Galaxy, remade by cosmic will of a Sith Lord in times past. Sure, it was a secret labratory of the dark side and all but a prison planet set up by Emperor Palpatine. Even so, its reputation as a resort planet proceeded it, especially in the simple mind of the fuzzy Ewok, Willet Wolly, determined to make a strike against the decadent capitalists. Landing a bloodstained X-wing, carrying a heavy 3 foot long, double-bladed durasteel vibro-axe in one hand, and the severed leg of Evan Blacksun in the other, it was time for a bloodbath.
  16. New Ewok singing sensations "Looking for Venue!" The bomb riddled, irradiated remains of the Forest Moon of Endor are silent, but the surviving Ewoks are not. With their new hit, YUB NUB Eee Chop YUB NUB, the Ewok sensations of Looking for Venue! will be touring a galaxy near you. Stay tuned for listings and venues.
  17. Willet Wolly's escape from Centerpoint was memorable, if not the stuff of Endor legends. The self-proclaimed hero of the Battle of Centerpoint dressed in a makeshift spacesuit, assembled from who knows where or what, and waving around two severed legs- both those belonging to Evan Blacksun, as well as some nameless Arach'tar Warrior, the little Ewok slung together an impromptu craft made of dead Arach'tar bodies, a tanker of jet fuel, and a jauchuta wahoo [Translation: "big shiny"] to make his escape craft. With that done, he blasted into space, giggling manically, his words echoing in the air as he directed them back at the doomed station before he vanishes into hyperspace... somehow.... "Yub yub n'wah!" [The translation to this would make the censors cringe and die, so it's being left as is.]
  18. From other side of the wall there is a sudden lurch. A loud, high pitched war cry is heard followed by several mechanical groans as the cutting in the wall stops. The sounds of gunfire, blasterfire, and metal being rent apart with heavy blows can be heard on the other side. Underneath all that is a high pitched and furious yelling and growling, punctuated by shrieks of pain and death and low noises that sound vaguely like "yub yub." The battle passes quickly, with a final crash echoing through, loud and clear. For nearly 10 seconds after that brief encounter there is utter silence and no sign of life until a small furry head pokes through a tiny break in the wall. Liquid brown eyes take in the room: Sakuda, the Emperor, and a series of storm troopers. The eyes blink and the Ewok's tiny mouth speaks. "Yub huta chute!" [Translation: This isn't the bathroom! My bad!] It dissapears. There's another, singular Ewok war cry, the onrush of heavy, metal feet. There's another war cry, a single blast shot, more metal feet approaching, and finally, the cutting resumes on the wall.
  19. While hollowing out a giant tree, strapping in a rocket engine, and hurtling through space might not be the wisest course of action for most sentient species, the Ewoks of what was once the Forest Moon of Endor were not most sentient species. Having been thrust into a dead zone of space with freezing cold, it offered some merit, allowing them the opportunity strip off and burn the interior of their own ships for warmth. This in turn caused a significant percentage of the Ewok fleet to either burn to death in a fire of their own making, or get sucked out of the somehow airtight interiors into the vacuum of space. The battle of Little Big Horn, a long time into the future in a galaxy far, far away was starting to look like military brilliance in comparison. The remainder of the fleet musters enough momentum to get through and turn about, aided by damage to the field caused by damage to the station and Arach'tar fleet by other, more erstwhile and capable tacticians. In turn, they carried on, reaching the station and commenced their great attack, launching lasers, wooden arrows, and giant rocks, even kazekaming into Centerpoint. After a slended six minutes of very indulgent self-annihilation, 6 ships "land" in the interior of Centerpoint, finding an area that is, according to their sensors, safe to do so, and three score of rabid, frenzied Ewoks, armed with large axes, knives, and spears dismount, ready for battle, weapons swinging and ready to bring their communist, neo-ludite philosophy to home with the blades of their heavy, flesh-rending weapons.
  20. In the battle between Light and Darkness... In the shadows between Good and Evil... Between the Ebb and Flow of these great forces... Chaos finds a home. It's name, is Ewok, Fuzzy Ewok (aka, El Presidente Politburo Chairman Willet Wollie of the UEER (United Endorian Ewok Republic). And in the final battle against the Arach'tar for the fate of the galaxy, even this force of raw chaos and savagery has to take a side: for the good of all, for what is right and decent. And for the chance to blow some seriously large **** up. REALLY big explosions- like woooah! Cool explosion BIG!!! Naturally, the remains of Endor's Ewoks could not ignore this siren call and the chance to do something to indulge in their expansive pyromaniacal tendencies. The fact that these primatives were taking on a force of pure technology was just an added, and rather unappreciated irony. Emerging from hyperspace on stolen rings, akin to the kind used to transport Jedi fighters during the era of the Clone Wars, the Ewok's rather wooden and primative fleet emerges. As a means of challenging any naysayers, the Ewoks long ago built their own fleet from scratch- chopping down some of Endor's huge trees, gutting them, and fitting them with rocket engines and weaponry. How they managed to stay space worthy, much less avoid ingiting remained a mystery for some of the galaxy's best ship designers and physicists. The fleet lines up and the engines ingite, sending the entire Ewok fleet forward in a furious charge, their guns (and in some cases, overgrown crossbows and slings which have questionable merits as weapons in the vacuum of space) firing. "YUB YUB COMMANDER!" [Translation: We charge for the Glowpoint and will aim to knock out the powery glowpoint thing! For the glory of the Ewok Commintern! We will conquer!!!]
  21. fuzzy_ewok

    Phu

    Pulling out of hyperspace on this particular day and at this particular time comes one of the worst threats to Galactic Peace. The Arach'tar, the Vong all pale in the face of this threat: Feeling pain, fear, and helplessness before the might of this indominatable foe. With a furious battle cry, the skies of Phu are about to be stained red with the mighty clang of a hammer, sickle, and the echoes of two words: "Yub! Yub!" With that cry, the Viet-Wok have returned to plague the galaxy on this fine day, marking Phu as their first stop, riding a fleet of solid gold Death Stars. Let the battle commence.
  22. ((I'd guess how I stating killing the lot of you in my last post wasn't clear. This time- no mistakes. Adios, Copias-Gatos! Hasta luego, Endor!)) A noble and great leader would stand and fight when the odds were against him and everything he held dear was in the balance. A brave leader would rally his people and fight for till the end. Willet Wolly was none of the above and after conking a subordinate over the head, putting his green commander's hat with its little red star on the unconscious Ewok, taking his battle axe and running, Wolly made a small modification to the controls. Enough was enough. It wasn't bad that thousands of unimaginative, incompetent Ewok copy-cats were assailing him on Endor and his new super weapon. To add insult to injury they were doing a bad job of it. With a coughing laugh of "Hack-Hack-Hack!" and a snorting laugh, Willet set in a command to the surface and pulled one last manuver before the Jihad forces reached the bridge, firing up not the weapons systems but the engines and sending a remote order to his people on the surface. **** Down on the surface orders to fire their full nuclear arsenal and to "heat up this cold war" and to stop those Jihadists from "contaminating precious bodily fluids" were set in order. A hundred Taepodong 2 hyperspace missiles are fired up and set for points all over Endor and in the stratosphere. **** On the Death Star, the Ewoks, fighting off the Jihadists in the doomed to crash control center, let out a great cry: "Huta huaataaha! Yub yub!" [Translation: You can't fight in here! This is the war room!] **** Swingning his axe like a madman, forgetting the Communists, Jihadists, and the like, Wolly lets out a roar of "Club Club Commander!" and carves a bloody, oily path to his shuttle. Laughing maniacally, Willet runs like hell, and boards his escape shuttle, taking off. He clears the battle by knowing one pushes on the big throttle thingy and makes use of the big red button to make his enemies go BOOM! **** At that point the Death Star Potempkin runs into Endors orbit, hurtling down with impossible force, just as the nuclear super missiles, each one capable of clearing half a civilized planet in radiation, launches. Down below on the surface, an Ewok, wearing a cowboy hat, rides one of the missiles, waving his hat as it falls, descending into oblivion. In a secret war room, a deranged ex-Imperial, a human of all things with a bionic arm to match Darth Vader's, seeing this fate, rises up. " " **** As Wolly vanishes into hyperspace, all life on Endor and in the surrounding area blinks out in a great nuclear holocaust that irradiates the entire system and wipes out all other remaining ships from the smallest shuttle to the might Death Star. The gaseous planet and forest moon remain, albeit as a charred ball of rock that will ever more be devoid of life. Wiser heads doubt if it could have ended any other way. We'll meet again We'll meet again, Don't know where, Don't know when But I know we'll meet again some sunny day Keep smiling through, Just like you always do Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away So will you please say "Hello" To the folks that I know Tell them I won't be long They'll be happy to know That as you saw me go I was singing this song We'll meet again, Don't know where, Don't know when But I know we'll meet again some sunny day We'll meet again, Don't know where Don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day. Keep smiling through Just like you always do, 'Til the blue skies Drive the dark clouds far away So will you please say"Hello" To the folks that I know. Tell them I won't be long. They'll be happy to know That as you saw me go, I was singin' this song. We'll meet again, Don't know where, Don't know when But I know we'll meet again some sunny day
  23. Unfortunately, in the famous words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the phrase, "That's no moon. That's a battle station." rang aptly true as ever meaning it was shielded from the petty attacks launched against it and that tried to wring control of Endor from the Viet-Wok. Death Star Potempkin was ready to fire. Commander Willet Wolly gave a long speech, realizing that Endor was overrun and the stations full power was going to be used. Hopping up and waving both a spear and the severed leg, Wolly, frothing at the mouth, screams curses at the various Ewok factions that arose up to challenge him on Endor- the Fascists, the Nazis, and the recent Jihadists, which all stole several pages from his book on world domination. Insensed by these Copy-Woks, enough was enough. He composes himself near the end though for an eliquent speech. [Translated from Ewok: Today marks the red dawn as it rises over Endor. Note that our sun is not yet a red giant, though ponder quietly that the red sun is the largest star to inhabit the sky, but its dawn is approaching as we purge Endor of its capitalist pig-dogs and roaders, and sentence them to the eternal re-education camp beyond the stars. We will fight with courage and bravery and for the honor of the Viet-Wok.] Phonetically, it comes out a bit stranger. "For Cream Cheese and Pony!" The turrets on the Potempkin fix on the cruiser as if it were an opera house, and its main weapon locks onto the Forest Moon itself. [We're taking them out! Communist Ewoks Forever!] "BLOOD FOR ODIN!!!" With that, the button is pressed and the Death Star's battery of lasers shred the enemy fleet, as well as fires its main cannon at Endor. In that moment, everything comes to an end in a brillaint flash. ***** When the smoke and debris clear, Willet waddles over to a viewscreen, looking at the devisation on Endor. Debris hung everywhere from the shredded Jihadist fleet, as well as from the torn up rocks and other particles blasted into space by the energy released from the Potempkin's now burnt out super laser. Willet sniffs as if he can smell something burning, only realizing too late its him. Stopping, dropping, and rolling (and don't you forget it, boys and girls) saves his life. Once more at the viewscreen, he looks at Endor, or what used to be the Forest Moon of Endor... The lasers were not at full power and merely cracked the crust in an artistic design, leveling everything save for the better half of Endor that was Viet-Wok controlled. The end result was to be a great design, traced into the barren rockbed of the moon to show the Viet-Wok insignia of the hammer and sickle proudly. Willet stares with his large, liquid eyes, wondering what this symbol meant: ( Y ) It dawns on him later that he merely succeeded in tracing a giant pair of buttocks on the forest moon, but with the opposition defeated celebration occurs, followed by a week and a day of various jokes full of the merits of communisms, giant butts, and assorted scatological humor.
  24. Naturally, all these various new Ewok factions soon came to the intention of the original, the one, the only true Ewok power on Endor. After talks amid the politburo standing committee, lead by "El Presidente y Los Angelos Del Muetre" Willet Wolly. The findings are grim. The secular communist state, while claiming authority of Jihad in their own way for reasons of feverent fanatism rather than state doctrine, frowned upon the new group. Furthermore, reports of these fascists, lead by these capitalist subsersives truly threatened the people's freedoms and rights to dwell in an Ewok communist Utopia. In short order, the name of the Uberwok is as reviled as that of the infamous Emmanuel Goldstein. Indoctrinates of these other two orders are soon rounded up into the new Ewok "Ministry of Love" where they are rehabilitated and eventually given "release"- in the Giver sense and not in the sent back into society sense. As concerns grow, the poliburo decides to wipe out all other "fake" Ewoks from Endor. A lone Lambda class shuttle takes off for a small artificial moon orbiting the Forest Moon with Wolly and his key advisors. There in, keys are set from peace to war, and all weapons and super lasers are powered up in what promised to be a decisive move to end the war before it started, as well as send a message to the galazy...
  25. Ewoks Building Super Weapon of Mass Destruction Galactic Associated Press: Forest Moon of Endor: Furious over a long standing trade embargo for their possession of dangerous Taepodong 2 Hyperspace missiles of the kind that irradiated half of Bothawui, several well documented cases of savaging and eating travelers to the Forest Moon, as well as their insistance to spread communism across the Galaxy, Viet-Wok supreme commander Willet Wolly has vowed to bring the Alliance and Empire to the negotiating table by force. Based on events on Endorian history, as well as plans supposedly obtained from the Force only knows where, it has been confirmed that the Ewoks are starting construction on a third and even more powerful Death Star. In a proud Soviet fashion, the thing will be made of solid durasteel from workers in factories across Endor and North Raxus Prime, possess even more Stalin class tubro lasers and ships than even the second Death Star which exploded over the Forest Moon's orbit. When asked to comment on this, the Viet Wok leader gave a simple statement, pounding the severed leg of Evan Blacksun on a podium to gather attention. "YUB YUB !" [Translation: We will bury you!] The Ewok's Death Star, dubbed Death Star Potemkin after their earlier name of The Giant Hurt Ball & Sphere-o-Fear was rejected, will be completed at an unknown date. Given the Ewok's technological savy and sophistication, experts agreed this project is unlikely to pose a threat to anyone in the next two to three hundred years, assuming the Ewok's attention span lasts that long. A long time Soviet-Ewok studies expert from Galaxy University on Coruscant though adds the warning though that, "with the Ewoks, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong."
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