Travis

Title: One Who Masters Magic Rating: PG-13 Rated for: violence, language, sexuality Critique level: Critique Requested This is my third serious attempt at producing a novel. Instead of science fiction, I have decided to go with fantasy. This is something I have been developing for well over a year now and have many, many ideas as to how it will play out. Unlike previous attempts, I have a far more defined plot developed and know far better where things are going. Characters have been planned out more and the plot itself is far more complex. A little of the world. This is a fantasy universe, but it does not have the traditional elves, dwarves, or orcs/goblins. Humans are the primary self aware species here. There are fantasy creatures as well. Magic is most definitely present, but divided by practitioners. That means a mage is different in skills than a wizard or a sorcerer or conjurer. Gender also plays a part in it, too. More will be explained as the story progresses. I built up a map for this (of which I am most proud as I think it looks awesome). I would post a direct link, but the file itself is 15 MB and is far, far too large for photobucket, so I must direct people to my DeviantArt account. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Prologue "Prophecy is both a gift and a curse. It can gift a man with insight into the future that can benefit all of mankind, but it can also curse him with knowledge that others will kill to obtain or to silence." ””Terrand of Malorez, Master Prophet The sound of iron shod hoofs clanged against cobblestones as three dozen men rode hard toward a drab monastery before them. The men ignored the cold winter wind that bit at their cheeks and the looming darkness from the shortened days. They knew the way to their destination well and the simple road guided them even in the dim light. All of these men were dressed in shining plate armor with mail beneath and carried spears in their hand and a sword on their belt. Each wore the crest of their emperor on their chest plate which seemed to faintly glow from some internal source. The leader had no spear, but instead carried a red and gold standard that fluttered behind him as they rode. Their horses had armor of their own that was a combination of small plates on the head and chest and polished black leather on the flanks. Even without ample light, these men all but shone in prim and proper form from the meticulous care spent to every detail of their armor and mounts. Both man and beast were grim, determined, and driven to the task at hand. Their destination seemed a mockery of their dress and manner. The monastery was already lit with torches and a large lamp at the highest bell tower, but the light showed only the dull brown and tan surfaces made from stone. There were no bright colors or fancy standards to be seen, only a line of laundry drying to the side. A few cloaked figures milled around accomplishing various tasks or simply meditating. The monastery itself was not impressive to the eyes, either. Its highest point, the lit bell tower, was only twelve feet high and the rest of the buildings were simple structures meant to house those who lived inside. There was a perimeter fence, but it was designed to keep the chickens in rather than as a defensive barrier. As soon as the riders approached, the cloaked figures looked up to identify who it was. When they did, they ran inside to alert the others there. By the time the riders came to the front door, a dozen of the inhabitants had assembled outside. One stepped forward and said with a strong but non-aggressive voice, "You are not permitted upon these grounds." The leader of the riders handed the standard to another rider and dismounted. He took two steps forward and replied, "By the authority of the emperor, I command you to bring forth the prophet Terrand." The cloaked man who had first spoken stood firm and repeated, "You are not permitted on these grounds." The rider set his jaw and said in a harsh voice, "Stand aside, acolyte, or we will cut you down where you stand." With a glance to his brothers on either side, the cloaked man freed his hands from within his cloak and said resolutely for the last time, "You are not permitted on these grounds." True to his word, the rider pulled out his sword and ran the acolyte through. The other riders sprang into action and either threw their spears or dismounted in complete silence. That many of the thrown spears found their marks in the chests of the acolytes was a testament that their shining armor was not merely for show, but that its wearers were skilled warriors. The dozen men who had gone out to meet the riders fell in seconds, their blood staining the cobblestone road or repainting the walls behind them. The riders now all dismounted and spread out into the monastery leaving four of their number to watch the horses. There were no cries of pain or fear from the squat buildings even as its inhabitants were slaughtered. The riders offered no sounds of their own, but just went forth with their grim task in silence. In minutes, only one cloaked man remained alive. He stood calmly in the central courtyard while his brethren were slaughtered around him. The man was of middle age, clean shaven, and wore a simple dark blue robe. The riders killed all else, but none touched him until the massacre was complete. When all was done, the leader of the riders stepped into the courtyard carrying a torch taken from the monastery. "Prophet Terrand, you are commanded by Emperor Caterin of Angvard to return to Angvard and to reveal to him your latest prophecy in its entirety, omitting nothing. The penalty for not doing this is the most painful death and the destruction of your Order." Terrand looked at the seasoned warrior in front of him and took note of the blood dripping from his sword and armor. He did not shrink back as the man approached, but stood his ground with a calm, almost serene expression. "You are a most interesting man, Captain Wasitpan," he said in a melodic voice. "Your fate is known to me, and it is not one you expect. Your death will be long in coming, but you will wish for it to come far sooner. Do you wish to know the manner in which you will die?" Captain Wasitpan growled and slapped the prophet across the face with his gauntleted hand. "I will not hear of your lies!" he spat out. From the ground, Terrand smiled and made no effort to get back up. "Very well, young Captain Wasitpan, your fate shall remain known only to me." He paused and looked upward to the twilight sky. "The prophecy your master wishes is a complex one indeed, dependent on many factors all falling into place. Should any of those factors not come true, all shall collapse in on itself into meaningless." He paused and raised a single finger. "But should the Elements properly conspire to bring forth the needed factors, your emperor has much to be concerned about." With a small chuckle””the first emotion the man had displayed during the entire massacre””he continued, "A time will come when one will come into being that will change the world. He will command armies mightier than any Teladia has seen before, all will answer to him wherever he goes. He will unite the lands in true harmony and rule over them all. "Beware, dear captain, for he shall be known by the following. War will not be his choice, but it will dominate his life. He will be a leader of men but will not seek to lead. He will give up that which he holds most dear, but will gain that which is necessary in exchange. He will fall before he rises. He will have no children, but all will call him father. He will be a stranger in many lands, but be welcomed in them. He will be strong and fierce against those who oppose him, but gentle and kind to those who join him. When he is needed, he will arise to carry out his purpose of saving us all from the Coming Darkness. All will bow before his strength, for he is the one who masters magic." The captain was not satisfied, but kicked the prophet. "We know this to be true, it has been confirmed by others. What has not been confirmed is who this man is, where is he from. You alone have seen this and that is what the emperor demands!" "My poor captain, I would not tell you that for all the wealth in the world," Terrand said with another chuckle. "Not all prophecy is meant for all ears. Your emperor will never know my prophecy, neither will his heirs for generations on end. Not until it is too late will his line know that their end is at hand." Wasitpan kicked the man again and replied with confidence, "We will see about that. A few weeks in the torture chambers will loosen your lips." Again, he was greeted with a chuckle, this one a little louder. "No, for you forget that I am a prophet. I have known this day would come for years. Indeed, my end is nigh, but you shall not lay another finger upon me." As if to disprove the prophet's claims, the captain reached down for the bruised man. Before he could reach him, a strange sound like the popping of a large bubble erupted from the intended victim. Wasitpan was thrown back across the courtyard. His torch was blown out from a mighty rushing wind that caused the worn robes on the laundry line to flap violently. The light from the torch was no longer needed, though, because Prophet Terrand was consumed in flames that lit the entire monastery like a bonfire. Wasitpan's men shielded their eyes from both the wind and the sudden light, but they could not shield their ears from the sound of the prophet's laughter as his own body was consumed by the fire. After a handful of seconds, the wind, fire, and laughter died out leaving only a small pile of ash where the prophet once was.

I don't know how I missed this being posted. I know you sent me the first part and I enjoyed it, but I had missed that you posted it here. I will keep an eye on this and offer more intense critique if you desire. The others seem to have done well on going over this one. Also, don't forget to edit the topic title with the date of the last update.

Yeah, if this isn't the real chapter then I'm going to feel like a complete and utter jackass for spending an hour and a half trying to help you out. Many apologies to you, good sir, but it was indeed an April Fool's joke. Ben felt kinda bad about you spending all that time taking it seriously, though.

Just hope someone doesn't ask what is so funny. That could get awkward.

Hey, we were discussing your copromaniac tendencies. It was a good, therapeutic session that I think helped you move along in your development.

That is because there isn't one on a keyboard. They look like this ”” and are usually made by typing a normal dash on MS Word (it should automatically process an em dash). They are used when you want to make a dashed out statement””such as this one””in your sentence. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Em_dash#Em_dash

Personally, while I like to reference and use events from the EU, I do not like to actually use characters or make big changes from it. For instance, I wouldn't ever write a story involving a canon character or where a canon planet was destroyed, a major canon government overthrown, or whatnot. When I wrote stories, they were things that could have plausibly happened in the established EU canon because they didn't interfere with what was there or would in the future be written.

I am just waiting for the day they start teaching "American" courses rather than "English."

That sounds more like a typing thing than a spelling one.

Why do you need a Mac to have spellcheck? Chrome and Firefox both have it. One word I always misspell is "exercise." Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't.

If I am reading that right, you wrote 47,000 words today/yesterday alone? That is insane!

At least she doesn't smell of elderberry. I am glad you guys liked my style. I figure with all the things going on with the Inquisition, the poor mods needed some boosting. Plus, I was lying in bed trying to sleep with my mind racing and came up with this idea. It worked out much better than I planned.

Okay, I have been here almost 2 years (in a few weeks it will be 2) and have seen a lot of stuff from the staff (specifically the mods) that greatly concerns me. I have been on a ton of sites for varying amounts of time and have a good reference from which to formulate these opinions. In my time here, I have been known as a kind of hyper-critical and outspoken guy, mostly because of my first month or so here and because of my fondness for debates. Because of that, I have learned to really bite my tongue when it comes to any criticism or suggestions pertaining to this site, its staff, and its operations. Of the last few weeks, I have began to break that trend by suggesting some new ideas, but at this point, I feel comfortable enough to address my grave concerns about various members of the mod team here. Now, I will be the first to admit that I don't have personal contact with all of the mods here. I am not able to attest to the goodness or downright evil of all of the mods, so I will only be able to address those with whom I have had personal experience with. First off, and most troubling, is a moderator known as Lord Ar-Pharazon (LAP or Ben for short). This man is quite possibly the epitome of all that is wrong with this site. When he first became a mod (one of the few that took place in my Jnet "lifetime"), I had high hopes for him because he appeared to me to be a little overprotective of his position, moody, and sometimes downright hostile. With traits like that, I felt confident that he was going to be a great mod for the site, but then I came to know him on a personal level and all my hopes were dashed. It turns out that, after a few brief glimpses of potential, he revealed himself to be a good natured, understanding, man of the people. I am absolutely outraged that he takes time to actually talk with some of the members almost as equals. It is repulsive to see him having a good time and inviting others to do the same. I absolutely am appalled that he not only listens to my occasional concerns and responds to them! It is a travesty of all proper forms of forum etiquette and cannot be allowed to remain! Above all others in my personal experience, he has been the one that was quickest to reach out and to listen to the concerns of the members and that disturbs me to no end. I beg the Administration to do something about this radical and absolutely abhorrent mod before he can do further damage by treating members with respect and a little dash of humorous mischief. Along with LAP is another highly concerning member of the staff, Jidai Geki. At first, I didn't think I would have any complaints or concerns regarding his behavior, but recent events have forced me to speak up about this piece of work. For most of my time here, I was under the comfortable and entirely acceptable impression that Geki despised me and was looking for any opportunity to squash me. This was good as it is the proper order of things on a forum such as this. The members should always dread their staff and live in constant fear that they will receive the banhammer for no apparent reason. That he was also a die hard liberal atheist who never agreed with me in any political or religious debate also was major points in his favor. However, all of my comfortable misconceptions about Geki evaporated when we had a little chat that cleared many things up. From that point forward, through a few PM exchanges and some conversations on Skype, I have found that he can be a fairly decent human being (something no mod should ever be). It is so bad that, when we disagree on some aspect regarding the philosophy of roleplaying, he doesn't immediately threaten to kill off my character or ban me! Oh the horrors and perversion of the natural order of things! I now feel that I can approach him for the first time in my two years of being on this site and that though fills me with loathing and anger. It should not be that way. The admins absolutely must do something about this deplorable behavior! My next complaint is going to have to be directed to Tiana Calthye. When I first came here, I had almost no contact with her so I had little to report. Then, out of the blue, we had a few conversations via PM and one over Skype and I came to know this psychiatrist's nightmare on a personal level (and have been mentally scarred since). I had initially hoped that Tiana would be a sort of distant, stickler for the rules, but I quickly came to see her insidious true nature. She is far too friendly and far to easy going to be deserving of a mod position on this fine site. In all my dealings with her (and admittedly, few were in the forums she modded), she proved to be very easy to get along with and more than willing to talk even at the expense of sleep. What kind of mod would ever sacrifice a night's sleep prior to working just to talk to some of the members? It just is not done! Yet another problem mod goes by the name of Blckclone, the fairly new mod of TBAG. As with many of the mods, I initially had great hope for him when he first became mod. I had hoped he would be repressive and extremely controlling of TBAG to help bring its pointless rabble under control. Imagine my surprise when he did the exact opposite and actually became a larger part of the culture there! I must admit that he did show promise in a few topics that he squashed mercilessly, but overall, I was extremely disappointed at how little tyranny he spread. Like some of the other mods, he is far too friendly with the members. He even went so far as to encourage and help me when I was attempting to start up various games. When I first got his PM's offering help and encouragement, I nearly quit the site out of total revulsion. It was extremely disheartening to see him act so friendly to various members of the site and his generally agreeable nature. He absolutely must be punished accordingly for such intolerable actions! I would not like to forget King Kheldar vos Correlli, otherwise known as KKvC or even just KvC. His only redeeming quality is that he is fortunately unable to devote significant amounts of time to the site due to his (probably high paying) work, but he more than makes up for it when he is here. Whenever he does appear, he tends to be a solid, well educated and informed contributor to debates and roleplaying discussions. This should never be. Mods are meant to be ignorant, abrasive, and foolish, but KvC is none of those things. As an RP mod, he has proven willing to justify his rulings in detail when questioned, a terrifying trend that will undoubtedly lead to total anarchy. No member of the staff should ever justify themselves when questioned by the members for members are here to serve the whims of the staff. Another relative newcomer to the mod staff is Piccolo and I have some things to say about him. Right from the start, I knew he would be a no good useless waste of an RP mod. Immediately, he came across as someone very open to the members and willing to try new things. In my dealings with him, he has always proven horrifyingly fair and balanced without even offering a single snide remark or cutting retort. It absolutely petrifies me when I think of someone of this low standard actually being a roleplay mod on such a fine site as this. As mentioned, roleplay mods should be extremely arbitrary, closed to discussion or new ideas, and nothing short of tyrannical in the execution of their job. Unfortunately for this site, Piccolo is none of those things. Last, but unfortunately not least, is the newcomer Delta73, otherwise known as just Delta. I do not know what possessed the staff to make this pathetic excuse for a human being (if he is even up to Homo Sapien status, something which I question) a temporary mod of the Zombie RP, but it must have been a powerful demon. This man was trouble from well before he was made a temp mod and any member of the Admin team with half a brain would have seen it. He is possibly the most difficult man to get to insult you as he is overly friendly and sickeningly quick to diffuse explosive situations. He is far, far too easy going to be a mod and has so many enemies on this site that it is a wonder his computer hasn't been sabotaged to explode in his face when he hits ctrl+alt+del after receiving a virus that freezes his system. I rarely make such heartfelt requests, but I absolutely must insist that this creature be horrifically punished as an example of all mods who would dare behave as he. As for Amidala and NavyGal, I must admit that I have had fairly little contact with them. I am sure that if I came to know them and study their behaviors, I would find plenty of reprehensible and intolerable things to complain about. Alas, for now, they have escaped my wrath, but I will have to work on uncovering their truly devious and unworthy characters further. As a proud member of this site, I must urge all my fellow members to report their grievances against the moderators of this site here so that action can be taken straightway! Upon looking at all these charges together, I must admit that things are worse here than I thought and drastic action is needed to save the quality of this site. Only united can the members of Jedi.net ensure that the staff here are truly the repressive, dictatorial, and cold moderators that this site deserves and needs. Just in case it wasn't abundantly clear up to this point, this is a piece of satire. Despite the generally sarcastic tones, the "negative" content is in fact genuine as I see things, so that part isn't satire. I know it is a bit long, but of late, I have really been noticing a lot of positive changes around here and felt that recognition was due. I apologize to Amidala and NavyGal for not "complaining" about you too, but I rarely interact with you and have nothing negative to say. I hope that will soon change and I will come to know and interact with you as I have the others on the staff.

I have 50+ pages worth of research papers due in the next 17 days.

50k words in a month is very possible. I have written just sly of 43k words in that time, and that was with being careful, restructuring, and doing research on top of normal full time work and grad school.

Don't feel too bad. My own cooking skills are so abysmal, they are hardly worth mentioning. I can do some small things, but not very much.

I like books, but am not the type of person who likes to spread myself thin in things. If I invest the time into something, I like it to be large series and whatnot. Despite my love of politics and history, I rarely like reading books about them. They are too detailed and long for me usually. I love magazines, especially those like Military History because the articles are shorter and to the point so I can learn a lot without getting bored.

When I write, about the most drastic of words I will use is "damn" and that is fairly rare. I see very little true value of profanity in all honesty.

Sorry, I was so eager to see it that I mostly just clicked on the link and ignored the rest of your post.

Not to be a jackass or anything, but you had a typo. Right near the end it says "to save the planet FORM the domination of the Confederacy." I am impressed with how you got the 20th Century FOX and LucasArts style logos to look pretty good.

Hey! Don't diss the 12/3/5280 and the 32/212 method. We like being difficult and challenging our children to learn random numbers.

You could turn this into a weekly or bi-weekly commentary/satire on various things on the site. There are tons of topics you could introduce.

We don't, but them Aussies certainly do. Great short, though I don't think that is quite worthy of a rated R label (unless you are adding more which I would like).

Part II: The Occupation After unleashing their devastating assault on the eastern states, the Ants settled in to their usual habits during occupation. In this segment, we will go over what life is like under the occupation of our enemies, the Carpenter Ants. In the life of a civilian in occupied territory, the presence of worker Ants are very common. These workers are the lowest in the Ant social and economic scale, but are vital. The workers are responsible for moving into conquered lands and stripping them of all valuable resources for the Ants: namely sugar and water. In the water rich lands of Shower and Bathtub, workers are everywhere. A group of worker Ants marching away with food pillaged from civilians in the district of Bathtub. Some civilians are even "recruited" by these workers to assist. While the Ant government claims these individuals are paid, in truth, they are little more than slaves and sometimes even cannon fodder. Life for these indentured workers is very difficult and few ever return home. During this time, subjected populations are terrorized by the constant presence of soldier Ants and their mechanized divisions. These military forces are widely known for their brutality and often kill reporters who try to take pictures of them. Despite the threats, some of our brave journalists have managed to make contact with groups of the 19th Ant Mechanized Division. They weren't allowed to do much, but they were given the ability to take a few pictures before being chased off. One of the Ant assault tanks that form most of the hard hitting mechanized divisions. One of the quick strike terror walkers that tower above the battlefield. These mechanized units are often seen walking down the streets among civilian populations. In occupied cities, the sight of these war machines are so common, they rarely garner attention from the populace. In fact, sometimes, more generous Ant officers allow the civilians to get out of the way instead of simply running them over, though this is fairly rare. A Carpenter Ant soldier attacks an innocent woman just inside the district of Shower. There has been many documented instances of war crimes committed by the Ant occupiers. Common crimes include stealing all sugar and sweet foods from the civilians, a clear violation of the Articles of Food Warfare. Other abuses include indiscriminate stinging sometimes resulting in civilians being carried off to underground lairs to be consumed. As disturbing as it may seem to our viewers, it is a known fact that Ants often carry the bodies of their victims back to their lairs to feed their young. This atrocious behavior has been one of the largest reasons why there has never been a stable peace between our people. The best hope for innocent populations trapped behind enemy lines in occupied territory is for our own RMF to liberate them. Tomorrow, we will cover the next phase in the ongoing war, when the Carpenter Ants overstep their bounds and stretch themselves thin. Ant forces are massing in preparation for invasion in this picture taken by a scout plane.

Yes, this is a highly dramatized account of the insect problems I have been having in my house since last winter. The map is a close representation of my downstairs, though the address is changed to protect the innocent.