Travis

Well, despite the lack of interest, I am going to ask. I have the first two chapters (20 pages/11,700 words) done, at least for the first draft. I have sent them off to three friends that I have conned---- er persuaded to serve as test readers. However, only one of the three is even remotely interested or versed in sci-fi, so I would like some of the people here to help me out as test readers since most of us here love sci-fi. I am not going to force you to respond, but if you ask, I will send you the chapters either via PM (you will lose formatting) or by e-mail, if you give me yours. You can choose to read them and respond with criticisms, complements, questions, or suggestions as you please.

Title: (Unnamed for the moment) Rating: M-15 Rated for: Violence, mild sexuality, mild language, torture, mature (non-sexual) themes Critique level: Critique Encouraged For years now, I have been hoping to write a sci-fi epic of my own. I have tons upon tons of plans and ideas, but am just now trying to put them on paper and organize them. I know it is going to need a lot of polishing and work, but for now, here is the general premise.

Great stuff. Though, since you said that this was essentially a satire on your friendship with a buddy at college, I hesitate to ask who you are in this.

Well then, by all means get drunk again and post the next part.

Wait, I am confused. Is this an epilogue or a prologue, the beginning or the end?

I am with you, LAP. When I was writing my first attempted novel, that I had a buddy that constantly wanted to read it was motivation to work on it. He enjoyed it, but eventually I had to give it up for many reasons. Now, I am trying to get support and people interested so that I can build motivation to get started. This will be a big project, one that will involve a lot of behind the scenes stuff even before I start actually writing the book. I hope to get it published some day, but who knows?

For me, if I am going to write a story (and I have written several), I outline things in my head and generally know where I want to go and how I want to do it. Then, all I do is write it down and fill in the details. Then, I go back and fill it in and edit it and refine it further. Finally, I do a final edit for little details that I thought of but want to reference or foreshadow them earlier in the world. Things like a plot that I came up with near the end and I want to put in clues or developments earlier to make it flow smoothly. Once that is all done, I submit it or store it, whatever I am going to do with it.

Okay, that sounds good. I will link things and all. By the way, is there any limit to the amount of text that can be put into a single post? I know most places have limits of like 60,000 characters or something.

ROFL, that was only about 1/6 of the total amount that I have written so far and I plan on writing at least three to five times more than what I have. It is a mini-novel, not a short story. Yes, I added material as an edit. I think I will start coloring the sections as I add them so people can find them easier. Character development is something I am not as good at. I am great at backgrounds, description, and overall plot, but not so good at the development. That is why I started this to see if I could push myself to improving character development. It would be my third novel sized project (first was 85 pages, second was 125 pages) and the one I think would turn out the best. If I wanted, I could even change some things around, some names and tech, and it wouldn't even be Star Wars.

Ahh, sorry about the spacing. This is only the first section. Other sections utilize breaks, as I will show above if you read the new material. It also explains a lot more, though more explanation will follow. I didn't want a huge section of nothing but explanation, so I explain parts as we go on. Other parts are left ambiguous on purpose until later times.

Sorry about that, I edited to put the rating and stuff up. Yes, I do have somewhere to go with it, though nothing in this story will be based on an RP. This was just the first part of the first section of the story. There will be more descriptions coming, that was mainly an intro piece for the two characters Trivas and Jorell. Sorry about that, I just took the first part and put it up here. I just looked and the next section is almost entirely description. What do you mean by spacing? I double spaced everything, but are you wanting more spaces? Yea, my tenses are not the best. I do tend to switch between first and third, but I try to stay in third. Once I get through the stuff I have written, I will work on it. A question though: do I edit my first post to add more or do I simply post again? Or, is there a way to have a single topic for the story, then another for discussion?

Title: Return No More Rating: PG-13 Rated for: Violence, wartime action Critique level: [CRITIQUE ENCOURAGED] -- please make it constructive, if you don't like the story, don't feel that you must tell me that. Preface: This is the beginning story of my first and favorite roleplaying character. What happens here is prequel background material that sets up some of the stuff that happens in the roleplaying timeline on the site I was on before coming here. None of this was roleplayed, but elements established here were used in roleplays. This is only the first part, I have more, but did not complete it. If people seem to enjoy it, I will edit and add to this post with more of what I have. Dates are in standard Earth format but set to ABY. To help things out a bit, I will give a brief character list so people here can figure out what is going on. People Trivas (Met'riv'aseinous): central character whom I roleplayed as Jorell: other apprentice of Mastal and close friend of Trivas Mastal: exiled Jedi Knight (human) and master to Trivas and Jorell Places Nulvar: fanon planet that forms the center of the action * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Eschon, Nulvar: 9/13/8 Trivas looked out over the planet that his master had just conquered. Nulvar had fallen without significant resistance to the Chiss invaders. They had been liberated from their primitive state and would soon become advanced and modern as only the Chiss could offer. When the first scouting parties had landed, they were welcomed with caution. They were gazed upon in awe as their glowing red eyes and blue skin was seen on the landing ramp. As soon as they displayed their technology, they were feared. Master Mastal had demonstrated the Force to these people and it was clear that he and his followers were overwhelmingly more advanced and powerful than anything they had faced before. Instead of resisting, the leaders of the planet surrendered command and authority in return for being the prominent race in the empire that the Chiss would form in these regions. So it was that less than thirty thousand Chiss took over a planet of billions. Mastal was the only alien among them, but he was the Master. His power was undeniable and it kept all of the doubters in line. Some resisted, but seeing three Jedi with lightsabers charging into the fray was enough to quell most of the resistance. Within a month, it was over and the planet was completely secure. "What are you thinking, my brother," Jorell asked. He stepped out onto the balcony from the villa's door. "I am thinking that being kicked out of the Ascendancy may be the best thing that ever happened to us," Trivas replied. Jorell laughed, "I would not go that far, this place lacks the clean, crisp beauty of Csilla. It is decidedly too warm and dirty for my tastes." "You had better get used to it," Trivas warned jokingly, "Master has taken a liking to it and will soon be expanding the new Empire." "Ahh, war. That is worth waking up for. The thrill, the action, and the glory of the conquest." "Don't be too enthusiastic, we are not here merely to conquer for the sport, we are to conquer to bring civilization to these primitive people. That is what Thrawn taught. That is what Master says as well." Jorell chuckled, "That does not mean we should not enjoy our duty while we are at it. Common, I know you enjoy using your power in combat. You use your devious little brain to trap your enemies and I use my superior handling of the lightsaber to defeat them." "It is true," Trivas admitted. He was the more insightful one while Jorell was better at combat. "It is refreshing to see the ignorant fools as they realize they are trapped. About your 'superior handling' we will have to see. I get better every day and will beat you twice in a row sometime." "I doubt it, but you are getting more annoying each spar. If you want me to be beaten, you will have to get Master to do it." Neither of them were any match for his ability in the Force or the lightsaber. In every spar they had against him they were defeated in less than two minutes. Even when fighting together, they only lasted no more than three. Master always said that they did not work together well and that until they did, they would never be able to defeat an experienced Master. "Hopefully Master won't be focusing too much time on humiliating us and will spend more time dealing with the government and selecting military targets." "We can only hope. What do you think Master will do here?" Jorell asked. Trivas shrugged, "I imagine he will establish a secure base of operations from which to begin expansion. It may take some time, these people don't have much technology that is worthy of use." "They were in awe of our own," Jorell agreed. "That is a good thing because they need to fear us for us to maintain our control and prevent revolution." "Not just that, but it means that they have never seen such technology. That is good because it means their neighbors don't have it either," Trivas pointed out. "True, it means they will be easier to take out and expand to. We will carve an empire worthy of Thrawn out of these people." "Possibly, we still have a lot of work to do. There are so few of us that it will require skill to maintain control without chaos and destruction." "Then we will take it slowly. We can wait a decade to conquer and expand." "We may have to wait a decade to move. There will be a lot of scouting and planning before we are ready to move. We don't want to run into someone like the Vagaari out here. Without the protection of the Ascendancy's fleets, they would enslave us with ease." Jorell thought about it a second and agreed, "It is so different not having Thrawn's ships or resources. Before, we had nothing to worry about because he could defeat any foe. Now, we must be careful. Even the Empire of the Hand rejected us." "The Hand rejected us because we use the Force. Master disagrees with them and does not want to simply hold place as part of a larger Empire. He wants to rule alone and bring order his own way." "Enough of this political talk," Jorell said. "Now is a time to enjoy the spoils of war. Come inside, there are people waiting for us. The locals are wanting to meet their new masters." Trivas sighed. He knew it was inevitable that these people would want to prostrate themselves before their superiors, but it was not something he wanted. "Very well, brother, I guess we have no choice. Might as well as get it over with." "Don't sound so dejected, there are few things better than having people serve you." "Maybe, but I would much rather plan out battles or economic strategies. I find more gratification in building things and seeing something useful being constructed or developed." "Then you build things and I will take all the glory," Jorell said with a smile. "Well, not all the glory. I would like a little myself every now and then." "Common," Jorell said as he gently grabbed Trivas' arm, "let's go meet our new subjects." Jorell was immediately annoyed at the babbling the Nulvarl were spouting off. He was forced to talk to the Nulvarl leaders through a Nulvarl translator that just barely understood Minnisiat who translated the native language into the trade language. It was clear that even the best translators did not possess a great knowledge of the language. "How are we supposed to function if they don't even speak our language?" Trivas asked Jorell in Cheunh. "Master and the others have decided to start teaching them Cheunh," Jorell asked in the same language. The Nulvarl paused and listed with curiosity to the Chiss speak the language they could not understand. Trivas chuckled, "They will never get it. No alien can truly speak the language." "True, but I think they are going to try. Regardless, we must make a common language so we can expand." They motioned for the Nulvarl to continue. Through a translator, one dressed in bright red robes said, "Great Ones, we concerned about them rebels. Rumors continue spread they would be attacking us shortly in we homes." It was simple enough to get the general idea of what they were saying, but it was still annoying to speak to people through a translator that clearly was not fluent. He could only imagine how poorly what he was saying was being translated. The plus side is that they seemed to call the three of them the honorific "Great Ones" which implied the highest respect and reference. "The rebels will soon find themselves alone. When we provide technology and new medicine to your people, all Nulvarl will be happy and prosper," Trivas replied. "Not to mention that our weapons will destroy those who don't voluntarily lay down their arms," Jorell added. The translator chatted and another Nulvarl spoke up. "Great Ones," the translator said. He pointed to a Nulvarl in a blue tunic, "General Govares believes that the rebels rally and attack in months when Great Ones stop watching." "We will purge them by force by then," said Jorell with confidence. "Our powers will give us the ability to find them just as we destroyed them on the field." "What goals you have?" Govares asked. "Our goals are to bring order and stability to this region, even if it is through force," Jorell answered. "If the Nulvarl join us, they will become the second most powerful race in this sector, right under the Chiss." "We want that. Help you our people will," another Nulvarl said. "Our people must first settle and make your people advanced before we can begin expanding to others," Trivas warned. He did not want them moving too quickly and overextending themselves. There were not many Chiss with Master, they could easily be destroyed if the Nulvarl got advanced weapons too quickly. They must first make sure the people of this planet were fully compliant with being ruled by the Chiss before they turned over all their technology and knowledge. They continued to talk to the crowd until finally all their questions were answered. Master had drilled his two apprentices well and they knew what and how to answer. When all was done, Trivas left and returned to the ship that had been their home during the trek to Nulvar. When he arrived, he was welcomed by the comforting sights, sounds, and smells of his own people and their familiar technology. He was also greeted by his best friend, Kraveyt. Kraveyt was a young but intelligent Chiss warrior who had a penchant for flying fighters. He had been in Thrawn's fleet and elected to follow his best friend to start their own empire. He liked challenges and there was no greater challenge than to work for an empire and a new life here. "Trivas, did you have a good time?" Kraveyt asked. "Good time is not exactly what I would call it. It was a time where I could see our new conquest," Trivas replied. "Did you pick out your dominion yet?" he asked jokingly. Before setting out, it was decided that all the main officers who joined Master in exile would divide whatever spoils were to be had. Each would get a section of land and resources to do with as they pleased. The idea was that by giving each officer their own territory would increase the likelihood that they would not rebel for fear of losing their land. It would also keep them busy doing something other than plotting or causing trouble. "No, I have not yet gotten to know the people or the situation. I want to pick the area that has the least potential so that I can build it into a powerful influence here." Kraveyt shook his head, "You are always the one to take the hardest tasks. Just promise me that there is space on whatever primitive dirt mound you claim for me to stay and plenty of space for me to fly." "Of course, I would not have it any other way." ***** Teriay, Nulvar: 11/22/8 Trivas selected a small city called Teriay in the dusty flatlands of the Ovit Plains about three thousand kilometers from the capital of Eschon. The city had a population of only around four hundred thousand and was one of the smaller ones taken by the Chiss. There was not much in the way of economy there, most of the people spent their life as ranchers of the grasmers which roamed the plains. The city and the surrounding land was poor and backward causing many Chiss to scoff at Trivas himself. Mastal believed it would be a good test in how Trivas would handle the difficult task before him and was curious to see how his apprentice would make his area flourish. Trivas himself decided to take the approach of improving what was there instead of remaking it. He allowed and encouraged the older traditional practices of ranching and small scale farming. Where possible, he upgraded the soft iron and steel tools with more advanced metals that were refined through the modern furnaces that the Chiss colony ships had brought. He abandoned the ship allotted to him and lived in a small estate in the city he bought from a local. The ship was converted into a large reactor for powering a new system of pumps that drew water from as far as twenty kilometers away to use as irrigation for the city and the nearby farms and ranches. That meant that the ship was stripped down and the engines were connected to a Nulvarl pump generator. The generator was upgraded with modern wiring and reinforced to handle the extra energy and the strain of pulling up all the water. Once a week, he made himself available for judging cases and disputes. Since he was essentially the ruler of this district, his word was law. Every week, ranchers and townsmen came to him with their complaints, disputes, and requests. Trivas tried to be as fair as possible and allow the Force to guide him. He was not always successful, several times he made a mistake and was forced to correct it later. Most of the time, his decisions were accepted with gratitude and thanks. Before Trivas came, there was almost nothing the people of Teriay could do if they had a problem, they were ignored by the planetary government because of their obscurity. The language issue was still a barrier, but there were already people working on a common language, Chistiv, a version of Cheunh designed to be spoken by species with inferior vocal chords. As soon as it was perfected, all the schools would begin teaching it and classes would be made available for all the adults. For now, Trivas relied on Minnisiat and some local translators to communicate his needs. Trivas spent his free time developing his estate into a place where he was comfortable. There were only seven Chiss who had moved into the area with him and they all wanted to live in different places. Four elected to stay on the ship and had taken over the entire area minus the bridge. The other three were friends of Trivas who were staying in his estate. One of them, Kraveyt, was already pressuring him to build a hangar so he could learn to fly the local fighters. Trivas viewed the younger Chiss as his best friend and trusted him as his personal pilot. The two of them had flown in numerous small missions for Thrawn and had seen brief action twice. When Kraveyt decided to stay with him, he was overjoyed and quickly accepted. Valistan, the second to live with Trivas, was the general mechanic and handyman for the group. He offered to stay with his wife, Sotorlen, and keep the estate up between the two of them. He would fix things and keep everything working while Trivas was away while Sotorlen would cook, garden, and keep things clean. Trivas had known them since the first of the colonists were being gathered and was more than happy to have their help around the estate. The Nulvarl were a different problem altogether. Some of them seemed to resent the presence of the Chiss. Others seemed to welcome their new technology and the stability offered to the planet. The attitude of the Chiss themselves was not helping, either. Some were kind, helpful, and generous to the Nulvarl, but others were arrogant, demanding, and cruel. That mixture drove many Nulvarl to hate the Chiss and there were rumors of underground movements to resist their occupation. Trivas didn't dwell too much on the issue, he let his master handle the politics and only focused on what he had been given. In a way typical to him, he spent what free time he had analyzing the Nulvarl. They were a hardy people, strong as Chiss, smart as Chiss, but capable of handling hot and dry weather better. They had skin ranging from dark brown to light tan. Its texture was a little more rough than what Chiss skin was, but that allowed them to fare better in dry climates. They had no hair, but did have black eyes slightly larger than a Chiss'. These eyes allowed them to see slightly better at night without hampering their daytime vision. In general, Nulvarl were a little shorter than Chiss, but there was variety. In the past, the Nulvarl had established primitive colonies on some nearby worlds. Their technology allowed them to travel in hyperspace, but not efficiently or with great speed. Nonetheless, they had colonies starting back four hundred years ago when their technology was even more primitive. Infighting and civil wars split their empire apart and those colonies became independent of Nulvar. Further civil wars split the planet into six different roughly equal governments. When the Chiss came, they ended this split and unified the planet to end the petty wars that divided it. Not all the Nulvarl were happy with this, but enough seemed to be willing to give it a try that Mastal didn't feel there would be any major problems. ***** Teriay, Nulvar: 11/29/8 "Trivas, we have a problem," Ivexew said. With a sigh, Trivas looked up from his work on the entryway to his estate. "What is it now?" "The main water line has broken again and I think you will want to see this." Trivas stared at the young Chiss woman and probed her feelings. She was the youngest Chiss to settle in Teriay as part of the family that stayed on the colony ship, the Hale Winds. She was only fifteen but strong, smart, and healthy. Despite being so young, she was a full adult. The Chiss matured quickly compared to most other species. If Trivas wasn't 27 and very busy, he may even have considered romancing her. In the months that they had lived here, she had been a constant help to him in working with the younger Nulvarl and working on various projects. She was very skilled with artistic endeavors such as the ones Trivas so loved. Trivas right now was working on piecing together the main walkway to his estate out of various crystalline stones found in the foothills west of the city. He was using a simple mortar made from chalk like rock that covered the entire region three to five meters below the surface. He did not just want to place the stones in random positions, that would be too commonplace. Instead, he had each stone polished and categorized by the locals. Based on the crystalline structure and how it reflected light, each was further separated and put in small boxes that were now stacked around Trivas. He then spent meticulous care in placing each stone with the right refraction qualities and size in the correct position. With the Force guiding him, he positioned the stones on the bare duracrete in the position they were to go in and when he was finished with a section, he would carefully remove them and pour mortar in. With that finished, he would place each stone back where it was and made sure it was firmly secure. The result was a sparkling walkway that refracted light in just the right way to create marvelous and complex designs that would make all guests marvel at the path. It was not only aesthetically pleasing, but it was a lesson in patience and fine tuning the Force to the natural world. Trivas' Master had recommended the process to him so he completed it with joy. At least, until he was interrupted by Ivexew. Still, there was no reason to get angry. If Ivexew said that he would want to see something, then she was probably right. In the months that he had known her, she had proven to be very competent around him. "Then I had better go check it out," he said. It was a seventeen minute ride to the site of the break several hundred meters outside of town. A Nulvarl drove the two of them so Trivas had no need to focus on driving. Instead, he received updates from Ivexew about the status of the various educational centers and gossip around town. Since she spent most of her time among the young and the youth of the city, she heard a lot of things. Children were not as tight lipped about things as adults were so a wealth of information flowed from Ivexew. There was not much going on at the time. After the big changes brought on by the Chiss takeover, people had settled down and were getting used to the new way of things. The language schools were doing well and students were learning about Chiss history and culture at an impressive rate. It was deemed by Mastal that in order to properly establish a modern and worthy society, the young would have to be raised up in Chiss culture. They would eventually replace their parents as the generation grew older and the older generation died off. Within two decades, the entire planet would be Chiss in all but name and race. They finally reached the site and Trivas could see Orithis and several Nulvarl scattered around the area taking scans and recordings. A repair crew was unpacking their equipment to fix the broken water line. Orthis looked up as the two arrived and walked toward them. "My lord," he said. "you will be greatly disturbed to know what happened." Orithis was Ivexew's father and an engineer in charge of all the major construction projects. He was a gruff, no-nonsense, hard line Chiss man in his forties. He lived with his wife Yasew and two children in the ship. With his mechanical genius, he had made the water projects into something to be proud of. In the dry plains around Teriay, water was a valuable commodity. Without it, crops would not grow and livestock would not be watered. To solve the traditional problem of shortages, Trivas requisitioned several hundred kilometers of local steel piping and Orithis designed and oversaw the construction of a pumping system. Various aquifers stored water deep underground and a pump was required to draw that water up for use. The largest aquifers happened to be seventy kilometers away from the city, so a main line was dug and placed there to bring that water to the city. The engine from the Hale Winds had been reformatted to serve as the generator for the pump that would draw the water when the main line was finished. The drilling had been time consuming due to the shallow soil layer and the lack of modern equipment. Still, Trivas had once again used his influence to get several drilling machines to help the process. The technology to develop the aquifers had existed on this planet for hundreds of years, but since Teriay was so small and remote, there was little desire to spend the money or effort to drill the lines. "What is it?" Trivas asked. Orithis took them over to a large hole that had been dug out exposing a the line cut in two. "As you know, we have now progressed twenty kilometers from this location, so this is nowhere near the new lines. We did not dig out this hole, someone else did over the night. Furthermore," he said pointing to some grey material in both sides, "someone pumped the pipes full of crete. As far as we can tell, the crete goes in thirty meters on both sides. That means we have to dig up the lines and put new ones in. In all, it will only put us back half a day, but I think you realize the implications of this." Trivas did and he was not happy. "That means someone is deliberately trying to stop our progress." A Nulvarl approached the three of them and bowed briefly before reporting in broken Chistiv, "I know nobody who could do this. Nobody on city would ever want to destroy line because water we need." Due to the similarity of the languages, Trivas did not have to change languages. Chistiv was a less ornate and more basic language than Cheunh without the inflections and sounds that non-Chiss found difficult or impossible to replicate. Though it was not as expressive and rich as Cheunh, it was at least a means by which to communicate. "What is your name, Nulvarl?" Trivas asked. "My name Paif," the Nulvarl said proudly. "Paif, you will go back to town and inform the magistrate of what has happened. Have him organize the watch and comb the city and surrounding areas for any clues as to who would do this. Track down any shipments of crete being sold in the area and look for anyone who may have a desire to see this project fail. You are to personally help them since you know the type of tools and skills that would be needed to accomplish this task. Do you understand me?" Paif nodded and ran off to get into a transport. "Do you think they will catch them?" Ivexew asked. "I do not know," Trivas admitted. He was angry now that someone would deliberately try to stop his projects. "I do plan on finding them if I have to search the entire city and region myself. Let it be known that whoever gives information that leads to the capture of the ones guilty of this will receive free water for six local months for all of their needs." Water was better than money to farmers and ranchers as it was their live blood. He turned away from the hole and started walking briskly back to the transport. Ivexew followed him while Orithis remained to oversee the repair of the line. Trivas pulled out his commlink and dialed in Kraveyt's number. When his friend answered, he informed him of what happened. "I want you to ready the shuttle, we are going to Eschon as soon as possible. I wish to seek information regarding other possible attacks." "You think this could be linked to a larger scheme? Maybe a continuance of the resistance?" "Possibly. The Force is cloudy now. Too many have contaminated the scene so I could not get a feel of who did it. I also wish to consult Master for wisdom and guidance," Trivas replied. "Very well, my friend. I never turn down a chance to fly," Kraveyt said with a chuckle. "I know that which is why I called you instead of a native. I should be there in twenty minutes." "I will be ready in ten."

CHARACTER SHEET Real Name: Cerula Azure Nickname: none Age: appears to be 25 Species: human Height: 5' 7" Weight: appears to be 105 lbs Hair: brown Eyes: deep blue Sex: female Homeworld: Coruscant Alignment: Neutral Clothing: Wears a black unmarked uniform on duty, typically wears expensive dark blue clothing off duty. Weapon: standard issue Imperial blaster pistol Non-Force user Inventory: datapad, communications jammer, and a comm Posessions: does not put big stock on personal possessions, simply requisitions what she needs Cerula is an unknown quantity within the Imperial ranks. She apparently came from nowhere to take control of Section Zero with the support of Emperor Black. While many initially opposed her command, a series of random disappearances and public executions of those dissenters quieted those who survived. Cerula appears to be a quiet and unassuming young woman, but can be extremely brutal and callous when she wishes. She has no qualms about overseeing interrogations, torture, and executions and does not tolerate failure very well.