Sasori

RED'S CHARACTER SHEET Identity Real Name: Redrig Helt A.K.A: Red Homeworld: Ryloth Species: Twilek Physical Description Age: 30 Height: 6'1" Weight: 250 Lbs Hair: None Skin: Pale Red Eyes: Green Sex: Male Equipment Clothing or Armor: Simple Robes under Leather Jacker with Hardened Leather Shoulders. Weapon: BlasTech DC-15S Common Inventory: Credits, ID, Canteen, Communicator Faction Information Non-Force User Alignment: Undecided Current Faction Affiliation: None Current Faction Rank: None History: Trained by: Trained who: Known Skills: Background: Redrig was born to a farming family on Ryloth, quaint but a simple life that taught him that in hard work, rewards are plentiful. While Ryloth had always been under hardship, a young Red never paid it much thought. He did as his family needed, tended to the growing fields before him, and was allowed to read when he had some time. Even with Regime changes happening too constant to keep up with, they happened without Red paying much mind to it aside the extra workload to feed hungry soldiers. He wed the girl he grew up knowing since childhood, and inherited his aging father's farm as the eldest of his generation in the family. Life went on as it always did. Soon Red's wife was expecting their first child, all the happiness Red could have expected of life had come to him. Hardship was just the days work and nothing more. The day of his child's birth, changed Red. Due to available medical services, the birth was to happen in the home, with Red's mother as a midwife. But Red's wife needed more than that, and it was realized too late. She passed during birth, and so did the child. Struck down with grief, Red did not tend to the farm. Did not look at his family. Rarely ate. His simple happy life was gone within minutes. He spoke to his family, and asked his younger sister to take over the farm. He had to leave. He had to get away from what he knew, and see if he still fit in the universe at all anymore. Taking his old but reliable courier ship, he set off into orbit, embarking on a brand new life off planet. Ship Registration Name: Golden Harvest Class: Light Freighter Model: VCX-350 Manufacturer: Length: 31m Armaments: Linked Laser Cannons, Starboard Auto-Targeting Turret Armor: Basic Shields Anti-Personnel Defenses: Gun Rack Appearance: Modifications: None

My point is start earlier, start with us getting to know Syler for a whole chapter before even the news of war comes from Havert, it would give a lot of character development and give him, while common, to identify with the protagonist, because most of us readers are pretty common and could identify with him if the writer gives us the opportunity again.

There it is, I was so thorough yet missed that, she was posted about and then quickly whisked off so I completely forgot about her.

Not the actual book though at that point. This isn't a play where we get a list of characters and go with it, it is a book, we have to be introduced to characters and have reason to care for them within the text. We aren't playing D&D and reading a "New Essential Player's Guide" while reading.

My CHAPTER 1a Notes I know it is hard to come up with new words in an exhausted genre like Fantasy, but I misread it the first time and saw why immediately. Sindarin is the language of some Elves in LOTR. The first sentence is out of place. It creates a sense of introduction of a confrontation, between two characters, but then we go into this diatribe about what Syler was doing for the past few hours. Then we go into a long wonderful description of the setting in the Village of Sandrin only to return to what had caused the noise paragraphs later. The short sentence is completely forgotten and useless by the time we get to the friendly introduction of Havert. Lose the sentence or add it right before this line: Then you would have something that reads like this: Syler Penion had been working for hours on horseshoes for Merchant Telbin to restock his caravan before its journey south to Kasas Sei. Though it was a mundane task that lacked creativity or difficulty, it was what Master Fitno had charged him to do. Telbin would pay well if he could finish the task early and Fitno had said that if he was able to do that, he could keep the bonus for himself. ... ... ... Syler could barely hear the sound of the bells over the clinking of his hammer against iron and it was not long before a cheerful voice with a familiar drawl cried out over the sound of hammering. "Heya Syler! Did ya hear?" The highlighted area feels weird with Havert's accent, should be Fight o' course. especially when he does the same thing two lines down. This feels weak, at this point we have gotten some background on Syler and for him to only sigh and us not see what the internal dialog is that leads to his response makes it feel weak and forced. Then who the hell is Karusa? This person has yet to be introduced and is mentioned and then not given any description so the name is hollow and useless, we know it may be someone important to Syler, but perhaps Havert saying something about this person would give us some semblance of why Syler cares. We find out later the name is of his Sister, but it comes after a hollow introduction. When did he already consider staying behind? Did I miss that when reading? Add this internal consideration where I nitpicked before and this becomes a clear definition of character. The exchange system of the conscription and the conscription itself is oddly reminiscent of The Hunger Games. I don't really mind as it works here but it is something to be aware of. Typo. Rest of the chapter is fine, creates a sense of urgency against overwhelming odds. While Syler is not exactly personable just yet, the 1b part of this chapter may resolve that and give us some sort of character growth. CHAPTER 1b Notes Throughout this chapter you seem to find Havert's voice a lot more, and you write him quite a bit more fluidly. The accent doesn't seem to go in and out anymore, everything seems far more consistent with the character. Which is great, I appreciate reading a fluid character, now go and change that stuff in 1a to match. Syler though, while his voice was found I still don't appreciate him as a character, maybe I am alone in this, but he isn't very developed, and when you have an introductory chapter that brings in and is meant to hook us into a character and hasn't, it makes a reader want to put the book down. I am going to point to a resource for you, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. The first chapter was dedicated to Vernon Dursley and his day and mingling with the undesirables of life it was a fantastic introduction as it puts us in the seat of a character who lives life like the rest of us, then it introduces us slowly with more frequency as we go through, into the magical world, without ever mentioning magic at all. We are greeted to some great characters, find out the circumstances of what caused all the extraordinary occurrences throughout Vernon Dursley's day, and even though just a baby, we already care about young Harry Potter and what the future holds for him after the tragic event that caused his fame. Then in the second chapter we find out about what defines his character, the odd things happening around him, his mistreatment, his disposition to his cousin, lack of friends, everything. We are rooting for him even more now because he is an underdog. As chapters go on, he forms friendships and we find out his values from that and other events around him. With Syler we are thrown into a character who already has his life set up around him and is not discovering anything about himself, thus, his entire character already is and exists and we have to root for him because without him, the story ends. As a reader we have no desire for him to win because we have no connection to the character. Make us care about Syler because honestly, I have more of a connection to Havert. On the whole the latter half of the chapter was fine, but I expected more establishment of Syler's character and for us not to be thrown into war so soon. This should be a later chapter, much later in fact. We need the first two chapters or more to be dedicated to the crafting of the protagonist, instead it seems like this was written in a hurry like he just had a helmet shoved on him and is on a horse to battle immediately. It would be like if in the first chapter of LOTR Frodo already was up against the Nazgul, that comes later after establishing the protagonist and associated fellow characters to help move the plot forward. Slow down, make me give a damn about Syler, then get to this stuff.

First, thanks for the appreciation, glad to know my writing knowledge is still of use. Second, while the armor will have a place in the story, right now it doesn't and it is a useless detail that detracts from the overall scene.

This passage feels odd, out of place, it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the passage the way I was reading it. You started off with a personal sort of passage, expressing the undying cold that the knights seems to be oblivious too, which is a nice and creative way of saying how ordered and disciplined they are. Then it transforms to this. It is too precise, like you are mathematically trying to imprint an image upon the reader instead of finding a creative way to describe their gear. More importantly, the gear isn't really that important unless this specific uniform has some sort of need for the story. Does the fact they have chain mail and plate armor change the way the story runs? "You could easily rewrite this with fewer words that would better explain them. "A red and gold banner led the way of these men, whose imperial armor glimmered even in the dim lights of the streets." That gives me the image already of shiny armor, a banner, and imperial describing the Empire. You never described the imperial emblem so no need to mention it in this passage either. If another character focuses on it, you could describe it then because then it has a presence in the story as a character interaction, but right now, it is a waste of words and makes me as a reader feel pretty bored. I half expect you to describe the amount of hair on their faces next, and when you are trying to establish your hook, that is never a good thing. This passage seems to be a mixmatch of tone as well. The second sentence in particular. I'd rearrange it to right after introducing th monastery: "Their destination seemed a mockery of their dress and manner. There were no bright colors or fancy standards to be seen, only a line of laundry drying to the side. A few cloaked figures milled around accomplishing various tasks or simply meditating. The monastery itself was not impressive to the eyes, either. The monastery was already lit with torches and a large lamp at the highest bell tower, but the light showed only the dull brown and tan surfaces made from stone. Its highest point, the lit bell tower, was only twelve feet above the horizon and the rest of the buildings were simple structures mostly meant to house those who lived inside. There was a perimeter fence, but it was designed to keep the chickens in rather than as a defensive barrier." Flows a bit better no? Emperor is a proper noun, should be punctuated appropriately. This interaction feels bland. I am not really getting imagery here other than eight acolytes are now dead and now we are glorifying the knights who seem to be the villains in this intro. It would be like leading off Harry Potter by saying how awesome Voldemort is, it just doesn't work. It is just too quick with no imagery of this savage act. As a reader, I don't know what comes ahead, so I don't know if these guys are good or not, but knowing what comes ahead doesn't help the present once a reader has finished this passage. We want to see these people as victims, because we cannot believe these men are heroes, so write it as such. The next passage tackles this, but only after we knew the eight were dead and we glorified the villains. Try combining the passages: "True to his word, the rider pulled out his sword and ran the acolyte through. The other riders sprang into action and either threw their spears or dismounted in complete silence. Before their feet touched the ground, the dozen men who had gone out to meet the riders fell in seconds, their blood staining the cobblestone road or repainting the walls behind them. The riders had all dismounted and spread out into the monastery leaving four of their number to watch the horses. There were no cries of pain or fear from the squat buildings even as its inhabitants were slaughtered. Each cloaked man who stood their ground within the monastery accepted their fate without any signs of cowardice or hesitation. The riders offered no sounds of their own, but just went forth with their grim task in silence." The rest of the chapter is great. Can't wait to read more.

This will be my first read through, looking forward to seeing the more finished version

Basing this off of Brendo's comment, I would have to agree as well. Joss Whedon may have done awesomely with short and final deaths, but even then there was imagery, of characters and their vocal and nonvocal interactions of the scene, the scene itself, and the like. If you were writing a screenplay I would let you off the hook. But yes, go ahead and redo this section and give the avid readers some semblance of imagery and significance of this event, even if it is a logical death. To go back to Game of Thrones,

I haven't been reading this so far, but what I will say regarding character deaths is that we may no longer react to them too much due to over exposure to shocking deaths thanks to George R.R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice series.

I liked it, at first I thought it was going to be set in the city of Aberdeen, Washington, birthplace of Nirvana, but it obviously isn't. I am still interested though, which is nice as I haven't been involved in actively reading anything in this forum for some time. Keep it up!

Sorry for not elaborating there, yeah I think a thread in the sub forum consolidating everything would be awesome.

Sub-forum would be good I suppose.

Sasori did not know about the modular voice change in the helmet, having assumed she would be a silent guardian type during this mission. It was inconsequential of course, but still unexpected. He himself just stayed in the same woven armors and robes he usually was in, with his lightsaber and pistols nestled within, concealing them from natural view. He combed his hair with his fingers a bit to try and give a professional look to himself as the ship entered the Coruscanti atmosphere. (continued in Coruscant thread, soon, not tonight, but soon)

Sasori awoke from the few hours of sleep right in time to hear the console of his ship begin to beep, he slipped on his clothes and walked out to the dash and pulled the ship out of hyperspace above the overly busy world of Coruscant. He decided to stop for supplies was useless, he would simply bargain and see what he could accomplish through those means and if all else failed, he would flee like a gundark was on his tail. The man turned and saw Cassandra in the chair beside his, and he was unsure she even slept at all, given circumstances, he hardly expected her to. He put the ship on course with a landing pad nearby their destination on the planet below and turned to Cassandra. "Do you think you can do this without attempting to burn the place down?" he said sarcastically with his quirky half smile edging his face again.