Minus One Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 You should definitely see it. The actor that plays Gordon in the new batman movies plays the main villain. And it has Bruce Willis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Okay. I might someday. Not in the near future, though, probably. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 ooo It's Ben Skywalker's fault! Caedus is Jacen if I'm not wrong, right? Down with science. See now it caused so many problems! Muahahahahha! /enddartharant Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Yeah, Caedus was Jacen. Chapter 5 ”œThrolik, we've found something,” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 As I said, excellent work. And, naturally, I found something that escaped my attention before. It would be nice to have a little more description about the appearance of the 'ring world.' Maybe add some colors and stuff the next time you talk about it. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Somehow the last sentence didn't sound as ominous to me as it should have. Other than that, Drace needs to sound more excited! Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Hmmm... I'd like to see you build up more descriptions, especially since you're introducing us to an alien world. More than just dialogue, more than just dialogue! Really work it up. Chapter four was very omnious... this one, I think, needed more visuals to be. I think maybe if the last sentence was italicized, it would've helped. But yes, I suspect the story's going to start kicking off, full force here. Mmm. This is a good one, yes. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 Dartha, I wasn't aiming towards so ominous so much as just a very vague character introduction. Tiana, yeah I should have italicized that last part. I'll try to work on my descriptions. I've never been real descriptive, outside of action sequences. I guess I need more action sequences! Chapter 6 ”œIt has been brought to my attention that some type of ancient technology is on Csilla,” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 To me, I guess your dialogue-only approach is sort of a style thing, but some more description would make things like the ring-world easier to visualize. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 More action, bwhahahaha! Don't limit yourself, though. You've done good description before. In the one with Anakin in the 'attic'... Toys in the Attic... I loved that short... anyway. I do like the all-dialogue approach, though, because it forces me to picture it. I'd really, though, love to see your stuff as a graphic novel. Just saying... It'd suit that well. MORE ACTION!!! Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 A bit jumping around too much for my liking, but interesting development! Wheeee something to readdddddddd Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethro Brealis Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I just read all of this in one go, and these are the things that stuck out at me. Your POV's are very short. Very, very short. Don't be afraid to tell the story in larger chunks. Let the characters go a little deeper in their conversation. Add a lot more description of your environments. I assume that you're switching so fast to keep the story moving quickly along, but in the process you're sacrificing a lot of what makes a story grip its readers. Second, the characters are kinda... well, underdeveloped. things have started happening, but they don't have clear motivations or emotions. That last scene with To'sa is a perfect example. Her husband died. HER HUSBAND JUST DIED!!! That's what she thinks, so you have to write the scene as if it were true. Her perception is all that matters in her scenes, so everything she does/says related to her husband has to come from the base of "my husband is now dead" until her perception of his death is ended (for example, by his reappearance later in the story[?]). So anyway, that scene desperately needs some strong emotions. She lost her husband, that other Jedi lost a close friend. Make your audience feel their pain. It takes more than a stellar plot (and yours certainly has a lot of potential) to make a good story. You have to have three-dimensional, believable characters that your audience can identify with. They have to have strong goals and motivations, and they have to run into strong obstacles. Also, in a story like this, description is key. No one cares how awesome your technology is unless you allow them to see it in their mind. Your wormhole description was good; it instantly drew up an clear mental picture for me. So, keep that up! More description, longer dialogue, and really let us feel your characters' motivations. I didn't mean for that review to sound harsh; just what I see that could be better. Hmmm. I wonder if... naaah, Tiana's reviewing style hasn't affected me at all. I'll be checking in on this story periodically. The most important thing is just to keep writing! "According to this website, you should never trust the source of an online quote." --Abraham Lincoln Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Yeah. I feel like I have to force myself to be really descriptive. I'll try to work on it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 Sorry the update took so long, I've been busy the past week. Chapter 7 ”œThe silence is unnerving... I've been out here so long. It's dark and lonely and there's no one to keep me company. Am I going insane? The burden of being so 'smart'... I could think myself to death. Maybe I should wake him up...” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Great work, I like the descriptions you put in, and I like how you put them in. They're nice and smooth, not breaking up the flow or anything. There's a couple of grammar errors in the new parts, but it's really tiny stuff and doesn't make that much of a diffierence: an apostrophe in a posessive "its", a period at the end of a quoted sentence where there should be a comma. Very nice! Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 Hmm how would one pronounce rtas? We come in peace.” Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Korbin sighed. Unknown aliens were the last thing he needed. His Master had not foreseen this, or at least didn't warn him of it. This was good. You need more of this. It's what we call POV. It was POV, it was good POV, it fit in neatly in the flow and really added to the dialogue. Dialogue can't convey everything, though it can get a great deal down... I think I was a softer beta reader on you than I should've been. (I seriously wasn't that nice to everyone. Maybe I was just baised. I did kind of like your dialoguy style) It was a good update. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted August 12, 2008 Author Share Posted August 12, 2008 What does POV stand for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 Point of view. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted August 19, 2008 Author Share Posted August 19, 2008 It's going to take me a while to update. School is starting soon, and I have alot of things to get done. Chapter 8 Pernicious stood from his seat and looked at the scout with disappointment. ”œThis is indeed unfortunate. You are sure of this?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Nice work, I like the revisions you've made. I still think you could stuff the description a little more with a few vivid adjectives and adverbs, but it's coming along well. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Whew... I dunno, too much description and it won't be Zero's style anymore, but not enough and it'll become too flat. There's a right balance. You work mainly with dialogue and action before... I like the fixes... And the way the story is progressing. BWHAHAHA. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted August 20, 2008 Author Share Posted August 20, 2008 I'm trying to slowly add more description, but not alot at a time. Don't want anything too drastic, now do we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 I don't mean add more description. I mean refine the description just a little bit. I don't have time to go through and pinpoint them right now, but there were a couple of places where I thought putting in a one-word adjective or adverb would be the finishng touch. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorp Jedi Knight Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 So I was listening to Halo 3 music while I read this instead of doing homework. I found it quite the interesting read, even though I have to admit, I am very much reminded by Halo with it. I wonder why... Anyway, I really like this idea that chapters are like a page long. Makes it easy to catch up. Well, you could always just post something like "OMG GREAT FIC WOW!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 Yes, it's an interesting read and should be updated. (Not that I'm the prime example of updating, here...) Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Sorry I took so long. Haven't really had internet the past two weeks. Scorp, I think you'll appreciate this next chapter. Chapter 9 ”œI have spoken with the council, To'sa,” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Coming along very nicely, this one had pretty good balance, too. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted September 12, 2008 Author Share Posted September 12, 2008 Chapter 10 Throlik was now under the ice, surveying the structure that his men had been excavating. ”œWhat a glorious piece of technology. It almost looks like a weapon.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Ooooo! Chiss Sith! That's cool! I guess their red eyes make them look more sithly. Their eyes match the saber, their skin matches the lightning... perfect combination! hahahah! And I think Female Jedi Masters are called Masters as well... Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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