Zero Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 (edited) The Thin Ice "I was awoken by the sounds of mortar shells," a Republic soldier wrote. "The insurgency is moving closer to our camp and we are being deployed to take care of it. Don't have the babies without me... Love, Ian." The soldier wrote his wife's name on the envelope and put it in the slot box. He looked at his Jedi commander and smiled before placing his helmet on. The soldiers were trained in the Jedi code and ideals; they were freedom fighters. Ian picked up his blaster and holstered it on his back and slid the blast lens over his eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but you're twins are ready now. I know you and you're husband weren't scheduled for another week or two, but... even in today's age, we can't accurately predict every birth date." The nurse stated, attempting to be considerate as possible. The woman was crushed. "Isn't there a way to prolong the process? He should be here for this, his first born children." Laser bolts dart across Rafa V's red soil. Ian got behind cover to replace the shell cartridge for his anti-personnel rifle. Jammed. "I wish we could, Talia, but it's just not possible." The nurse had protocols to follow. The next part would be harder to tell the mother after word that her husband couldn't be there for the birth. "I am also obligated to remind you that a Master Jedi will inspect your twins for admittance to the Academy within a few hours of the birth." Talia nodded her head. "I know... I... would be honored to mother a Jedi." She smiled a little. The nurse left the room and shook her head at the doctor. "How could any mother be happy that her child will be taken from her to become an emotionless Jedi?" A mortar impacted several meters away from Ian's platoon; the kinetic impact throwing them to the ground. "I was against that name, but from the new people I've met, it's changed my perspective. You can name our son what you want to" Talia screamed out in pain from her contractions. The first child would be ready to enter the world. "Talia... you're going to have to hang in there, sweetie, we're still waiting on the drugs for the procedure." soothed the doctor. "I'm pregnant, Ian." Ian looked on in disbelief on the battlefield. Inquiring, the nurse looked to the woman about to give birth. "Okay Talia, the drugs are here. Are you ready for them?" Talia nodded her head frantically. "Will you marry me, Talia?" Another mortar made contact, reddening the soil further. "Talia”¦ You have two beautiful little boys." exclaimed the doctor. ”œHe handed her the boys, gently placing one on each arm. Talia could only give a sigh of relief and look down at the two angels. Ian's eyes widened as a laser bolt struck him through the lung. He grasped at the burnt whole in his chest as he dropped to his knees. "...you can name him after your father." Blood trickled out of his mouth as he fell face first, into the dirt. Talia's eyes teared up. She wished her husband could have been here for such a monumental event. "Hey little guys... your daddy couldn't make it today, but he'll always be there for you. Momma loves you..." She paused. "And daddy loves you too." The nurse knocked on the door. "Talia... I've got bad news for you." Edited November 7, 2009 by Guest Parallels II: Ghost of the Force Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Tense, but really confusing because it jumped between two stories at the same time. Maybe put one of the halves in italics so it's more obvious it's split...? And you have a few minor grammar errors... Other than that--it was great! Really creepy, dramatic, and all. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zero Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Took your advice on the italics. Sorta. I italicized Ian's flashbacks. Thanks for your constructive criticism. Parallels II: Ghost of the Force Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hou-Jo Poleb Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 On the contrary, Tiana, I like how it jumps from the two separate stories simultaneously. It gives the story a very unique atmosphere and draws you in more, making you more attentive and focused on the story by its very nature. And what's wrong with the grammar? Is there anything in there that's is bad enough to be called upon? Zero's not exactly a new writer who needs to learn how to write properly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Well Jesus Zero that was highly depressing. Very good, but that made my heart hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 On the contrary, Tiana, I like how it jumps from the two separate stories simultaneously. It gives the story a very unique atmosphere and draws you in more, making you more attentive and focused on the story by its very nature. And what's wrong with the grammar? Is there anything in there that's is bad enough to be called upon? Zero's not exactly a new writer who needs to learn how to write properly. I like how it switches from story to story back and forth, I just didn't like how it didn't really have any way to seperate between the two stories going on and then the flashbacks, which made it confusing. The two stories did make it much, MUCH more interesting, but without an obvious difference between two very, VERY seperate POVs it also distracts anyone who doesn't want to read and go back and forth going "WTF, is it an insane person narrating?" Honestly. Give me a published story that does the same thing, I'll go "wtf?" and put it down. If it seperates with italics, I'll read it intensely, and probably reread, because it was obvious to me from the start it was two things. See, this is my opinion, not yours. I think Zero made it wayy better by italicizing the flashbacks and made it a practically perfect dramatic beginning. Grammar? but you're twins are ready now Zero may not be a new writer, but everyone has room for improvement. Obviously my comments didn't offend him (observe: "thanks for the constructive critism"), so why are they offending you? Sure, Zero's a great writer compared to some I've read. A really REALLY REALLY REAAAALLY good writer, you know? But everyone has room to improve, and they won't improve if no one tells them what they're doing wrong. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 It's simple Tiana: Zero has always been the good twin while Ho-Jou is the evil one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I liked it. A bit sad but good nonetheless. I'll keep an eye peeled for updates. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 It's simple Tiana: Zero has always been the good twin while Ho-Jou is the evil one. Good means he'll update soon, right? Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Sorry it's taken so long, my proof reader went AWOL on me. -------------- Strip My Mind ”œWake up kid.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Jedi museum? o_o Shrines? Tier of Ancestral Spirits? Split across the mortal plain? I like this. Again, a few minor grammarical errors. After dialogue, if you're using a "said Pronoun" tag, you want to use a comma to end it, not a period. But seriously, this is great stuff. I love the feel of, almost "fantasy" mixed into a Star Wars AU. And this is just facinating stuff. Keep writing. Hammer of Ryu XD Velios grinned spitefully. ”œBecause before, we split his consciousness across the mortal plain. This time, with the help of a few Jedi, we split his consciousness across the Tiers of the Ancestral Spirits.” Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Jedi museum? o_o Shrines? Tier of Ancestral Spirits? Split across the mortal plain? I like this. Again, a few minor grammarical errors. After dialogue, if you're using a "said Pronoun" tag, you want to use a comma to end it, not a period. But seriously, this is great stuff. I love the feel of, almost "fantasy" mixed into a Star Wars AU. And this is just facinating stuff. Keep writing. Hammer of Ryu XD Velios grinned spitefully. ”œBecause before, we split his consciousness across the mortal plain. This time, with the help of a few Jedi, we split his consciousness across the Tiers of the Ancestral Spirits.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 It is a story in itself. Three stories actually: Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, Adverse Downfall. Check them out sometime. I was wondering. I read a bit of Adverse Downfall once upon a time, perhaps I'll check them out later. Unfortunately, I don't have internet at work or I'd read them during my few hours of doing-nothingness. I can read a lot then. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 The story has a bit of a Final Fantasy feel to it. Was that intentional? (I mean, combined with the signature graphic...) Look out for the random battle Tifa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 The story has a bit of a Final Fantasy feel to it. Was that intentional? (I mean, combined with the signature graphic...) Look out for the random battle Tifa! Omg! Random encounter! Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Anyone interested in proof-reading for me? My current beta reader has become unreliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Justice in Murder Velios looked at one of the younger council members. ”œYou can't answer that question... or won't?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hmmm. A little bit more description would be nice. It would've been nice to be able to visualize each character. It flowed well though, and it's really exciting and tense. It really keeps me wanting to see what's going to happen next... Keep it up. And I know you've finished stories before so I have faith you won't abandon us in the heat of the battle. Keep up the good work. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Well, most of the characters in this scene are red shirts, so I felt it wasn't necessary to give them too much detail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Oh, okay, but I didn't know that. I do now. No worries. It's good. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galadriel Kenobi Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Interesting. A very exciting and suspenseful story. I have to admit that I found it a bit confusing, but that could be because I'm half-asleep at the moment. I look forward to more. "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I hope that it being confusing doesn't put you off. I like to throw in twists... so hopefully I remember to answer every question asked in the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 27, 2007 Share Posted October 27, 2007 Lateralus Julius nudged Domevlo. ”œWake up kid.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Parallels ”œWake up!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 This is great stuff. It's really creepy and mysterious and keeps me wondering how it's all going to work out. Facinating. There's a lot more adjectives I could use, too, all about how it's all riveting and keeps my attention and all... it's not really over described, moves fast... could make a cool movie, y'know? Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Haha, my public speaking teacher would always say the same thing: "Adam here is going to be writing screenplays in hollywood one day." Always a confidence booster! The Light That Blinds The Jedi looked at the two children before him. The mother had just received news that her husband had died. A sad day for the Jedi indeed. He sighed and walked back into the woman's room. ”œTalia... I have good news for you. Both of your children are in the midi-chlorian range to be admitted to the Jedi Academy...” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minus One Posted November 10, 2007 Share Posted November 10, 2007 Divinity I ”œMaster Seraphim, we have a problem!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I have your last two updates to read before I'm caught up. I can't wait to finsih. Its really good. I really don't have anything to critique. Tiana- for the record you should definatley read Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, and Adverse Downfall. All three were great stories. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 I have your last two updates to read before I'm caught up. I can't wait to finsih. Its really good. I really don't have anything to critique. Tiana- for the record you should definatley read Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, and Adverse Downfall. All three were great stories. Yeah, I want to. I just don't have much reading time lately. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith Gene Starri Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Wow, takes a lot to grab my interest. I'm jaded to stories apparently. The flow, structure, and diction of this story make it so simple and yet enticing. The parallelisms between story arcs only add to its suspense. I applaud you. RP Char Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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