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Parallels (Completed/TAS Excerpt and a picture! 11/07/09)


Zero

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The Thin Ice

"I was awoken by the sounds of mortar shells," a Republic soldier wrote. "The insurgency is moving closer to our camp and we are being deployed to take care of it. Don't have the babies without me... Love, Ian." The soldier wrote his wife's name on the envelope and put it in the slot box. He looked at his Jedi commander and smiled before placing his helmet on. The soldiers were trained in the Jedi code and ideals; they were freedom fighters. Ian picked up his blaster and holstered it on his back and slid the blast lens over his eyes.

 

"I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but you're twins are ready now. I know you and you're husband weren't scheduled for another week or two, but... even in today's age, we can't accurately predict every birth date." The nurse stated, attempting to be considerate as possible.

 

The woman was crushed. "Isn't there a way to prolong the process? He should be here for this, his first born children."

 

Laser bolts dart across Rafa V's red soil. Ian got behind cover to replace the shell cartridge for his anti-personnel rifle. Jammed.

 

"I wish we could, Talia, but it's just not possible." The nurse had protocols to follow. The next part would be harder to tell the mother after word that her husband couldn't be there for the birth. "I am also obligated to remind you that a Master Jedi will inspect your twins for admittance to the Academy within a few hours of the birth."

 

Talia nodded her head. "I know... I... would be honored to mother a Jedi." She smiled a little.

 

The nurse left the room and shook her head at the doctor. "How could any mother be happy that her child will be taken from her to become an emotionless Jedi?"

 

A mortar impacted several meters away from Ian's platoon; the kinetic impact throwing them to the ground. "I was against that name, but from the new people I've met, it's changed my perspective. You can name our son what you want to"

 

Talia screamed out in pain from her contractions. The first child would be ready to enter the world. "Talia... you're going to have to hang in there, sweetie, we're still waiting on the drugs for the procedure." soothed the doctor.

 

"I'm pregnant, Ian." Ian looked on in disbelief on the battlefield.

 

Inquiring, the nurse looked to the woman about to give birth. "Okay Talia, the drugs are here. Are you ready for them?" Talia nodded her head frantically.

 

"Will you marry me, Talia?" Another mortar made contact, reddening the soil further.

 

"Talia”¦ You have two beautiful little boys." exclaimed the doctor. ”œHe handed her the boys, gently placing one on each arm. Talia could only give a sigh of relief and look down at the two angels.

Ian's eyes widened as a laser bolt struck him through the lung. He grasped at the burnt whole in his chest as he dropped to his knees. "...you can name him after your father." Blood trickled out of his mouth as he fell face first, into the dirt.

 

Talia's eyes teared up. She wished her husband could have been here for such a monumental event. "Hey little guys... your daddy couldn't make it today, but he'll always be there for you. Momma loves you..." She paused. "And daddy loves you too."

 

The nurse knocked on the door. "Talia... I've got bad news for you."

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Tense, but really confusing because it jumped between two stories at the same time. Maybe put one of the halves in italics so it's more obvious it's split...? And you have a few minor grammar errors...

 

Other than that--it was great! Really creepy, dramatic, and all.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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On the contrary, Tiana, I like how it jumps from the two separate stories simultaneously. It gives the story a very unique atmosphere and draws you in more, making you more attentive and focused on the story by its very nature.

 

And what's wrong with the grammar? Is there anything in there that's is bad enough to be called upon? Zero's not exactly a new writer who needs to learn how to write properly.

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On the contrary, Tiana, I like how it jumps from the two separate stories simultaneously. It gives the story a very unique atmosphere and draws you in more, making you more attentive and focused on the story by its very nature.

 

And what's wrong with the grammar? Is there anything in there that's is bad enough to be called upon? Zero's not exactly a new writer who needs to learn how to write properly.

I like how it switches from story to story back and forth, I just didn't like how it didn't really have any way to seperate between the two stories going on and then the flashbacks, which made it confusing. The two stories did make it much, MUCH more interesting, but without an obvious difference between two very, VERY seperate POVs it also distracts anyone who doesn't want to read and go back and forth going "WTF, is it an insane person narrating?" Honestly. Give me a published story that does the same thing, I'll go "wtf?" and put it down. If it seperates with italics, I'll read it intensely, and probably reread, because it was obvious to me from the start it was two things. See, this is my opinion, not yours. I think Zero made it wayy better by italicizing the flashbacks and made it a practically perfect dramatic beginning.

 

Grammar?

 

but you're twins are ready now

 

Zero may not be a new writer, but everyone has room for improvement. Obviously my comments didn't offend him (observe: "thanks for the constructive critism"), so why are they offending you? Sure, Zero's a great writer compared to some I've read. A really REALLY REALLY REAAAALLY good writer, you know? But everyone has room to improve, and they won't improve if no one tells them what they're doing wrong.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Jedi museum? o_o Shrines? Tier of Ancestral Spirits? Split across the mortal plain? I like this. Again, a few minor grammarical errors. After dialogue, if you're using a "said Pronoun" tag, you want to use a comma to end it, not a period.

 

But seriously, this is great stuff. I love the feel of, almost "fantasy" mixed into a Star Wars AU. And this is just facinating stuff. Keep writing.

 

Hammer of Ryu

XD

 

Velios grinned spitefully. ”œBecause before, we split his consciousness across the mortal plain. This time, with the help of a few Jedi, we split his consciousness across the Tiers of the Ancestral Spirits.”

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Jedi museum? o_o Shrines? Tier of Ancestral Spirits? Split across the mortal plain? I like this. Again, a few minor grammarical errors. After dialogue, if you're using a "said Pronoun" tag, you want to use a comma to end it, not a period.

 

But seriously, this is great stuff. I love the feel of, almost "fantasy" mixed into a Star Wars AU. And this is just facinating stuff. Keep writing.

 

Hammer of Ryu

XD

 

Velios grinned spitefully. ”œBecause before, we split his consciousness across the mortal plain. This time, with the help of a few Jedi, we split his consciousness across the Tiers of the Ancestral Spirits.”
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It is a story in itself. Three stories actually: Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, Adverse Downfall. Check them out sometime.

I was wondering. I read a bit of Adverse Downfall once upon a time, perhaps I'll check them out later. Unfortunately, I don't have internet at work or I'd read them during my few hours of doing-nothingness. I can read a lot then.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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The story has a bit of a Final Fantasy feel to it. Was that intentional? (I mean, combined with the signature graphic...)

Look out for the random battle Tifa!

Omg! Random encounter!

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Hmmm. A little bit more description would be nice. It would've been nice to be able to visualize each character. It flowed well though, and it's really exciting and tense. It really keeps me wanting to see what's going to happen next...

 

Keep it up. And I know you've finished stories before so I have faith you won't abandon us in the heat of the battle. Keep up the good work.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Interesting. A very exciting and suspenseful story. I have to admit that I found it a bit confusing, but that could be because I'm half-asleep at the moment. I look forward to more.

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"Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln

"We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776

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This is great stuff. It's really creepy and mysterious and keeps me wondering how it's all going to work out. Facinating. There's a lot more adjectives I could use, too, all about how it's all riveting and keeps my attention and all... it's not really over described, moves fast... could make a cool movie, y'know?

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Haha, my public speaking teacher would always say the same thing: "Adam here is going to be writing screenplays in hollywood one day." Always a confidence booster!

 

 

 

 

The Light That Blinds

The Jedi looked at the two children before him. The mother had just received news that her husband had died. A sad day for the Jedi indeed. He sighed and walked back into the woman's room. ”œTalia... I have good news for you. Both of your children are in the midi-chlorian range to be admitted to the Jedi Academy...”

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I have your last two updates to read before I'm caught up. I can't wait to finsih. Its really good. I really don't have anything to critique.

 

Tiana- for the record you should definatley read Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, and Adverse Downfall. All three were great stories.

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I have your last two updates to read before I'm caught up. I can't wait to finsih. Its really good. I really don't have anything to critique.

 

Tiana- for the record you should definatley read Jedi Legend, Sith Uprising, and Adverse Downfall. All three were great stories.

Yeah, I want to. I just don't have much reading time lately.

spsig.jpg

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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