The Jedi Master Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 A little semi-autobiographical piece I started in some free time between class the other day. I say "semi" because it's not 100% accurate: names are changed, and a couple of details as well. This is only the very beginning, not sure if/when I'll write more, but I figured I'd post what I've got and see what you guys think. I haven't written anything besides poetry in a while, so I may be a little rusty. Any feedback is appreciated. ((Warning: some adult language)) --------------------------- The ball was rebounding back to me. It grew bigger as the walls receded: soon it was all I could see. Swing! I obeyed my own command as the head of my racquet made contact with the ball and sent it back from whence it came. But in an instant it was already barreling towards me again. Z-shot! My command was heeded just as before. Wait, I realized as the ball sped away from me, I'm by myself. There's no reason for a z-shot. Sadly, that realization could have helped me to not abruptly end my racquetball practice. When the ball hit the wall, it bounced erratically and proved impossible for me to return. That's the point of the z-shot, which is all well and good when you're playing an opponent, but kind of sucks when you're by yourself. ”œWell damn it,” Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I had a little laugh over the opening. I also like that comment on glass doors. I always feel that way too so it brings it closer to home. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Loved it. Amusing, poignant, and a great portrayal of everyday life from a great narrative point of view. You should write more prose. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jedi Master Posted March 27, 2011 Author Share Posted March 27, 2011 Thanks a lot, guys! I've written a little more, and I'm hoping to finish the next little section in the coming days, so stay tuned. I definitely want to get back into writing prose and this story is coming relatively easily to me. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TJM von Liechtenstein Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) All right, here's the next little scene! May not be as amusing as the first portion (honestly it's kind of depressing and -well, you'll see), but it is critical to the plot. Hopefully you'll enjoy it for what it is! And as an aside, 60 views but only two comments? Come on whoever else is reading this! ((Warning: more adult language)) ----------------------------- My home at that time was a meager apartment filled to the brim with miscellanea acquired throughout the years and across the world. At 22 I'd seen more countries than many do in a lifetime, and, not only had I seen those countries, I'd experienced them in full. Scarlette had experienced one of those countries with me firsthand. Our trip to Peru was engrained on my memory: that month and a half may well have been the greatest time of my life. From the lofty highs of stoic Machu Picchu, to the fleeting lows of la playa de china, and everywhere in between, we discovered each other that summer in a way we otherwise never could have. We'd only just met two months before the excursion (and even then just by chance), but even before we booked our tickets I knew I loved her. That she was willing to travel around the world with me, a man she'd just met, seemed to indicate that she was interested in me as well. At least, that was my take on it. The planning process itself was intensely exciting: we devised grandiose schemes to see as many sites as possible during our week in Cuzco, with side trips to the Sacred Valley (on a rented motorcycle) and even Tiwanaku in Bolivia. Everything was to run like clockwork and somehow go off without a hitch. Of course, once we got to Cuzco, everything deteriorated. I was sick the first day, when we planned to explore the city. The next day we went to Machu Picchu, just as planned (that was the only plan of ours that stuck). The third day we stayed in the city again: the trip to Tiwanaku went out the window. The fourth day we explored some sites on foot. The fifth day we took a bus tour of the Sacred Valley (Scarlette, after seeing the natives drive, was reluctant to rent a motorcycle). The sixth day we saw some museums in the city. And, first thing in the morning on the seventh day, we were off to Lima to meet up with some other individuals (Cuzco had merely been a side trip itself: we were going to Peru anyway and figured it was as good a time as any to go there). Although our time in Cuzco didn't go nearly as planned, it was still amazing. Not only for the unique experiences in the city and countryside, but also for the inevitable experiences in our hotel room! Once we met up with the others those experiences proved impossible. As a man, that is, of course, what I remember most from the trip. Over the course of the next month we saw more amazing sites and experienced rural Peru like we couldn't have in Cuzco, but it wasn't the same as the time we had spent alone. And I'm not just talking about the sex here: I was comfortable with her like I am with no one else (I generally hate everyone). I enjoyed spending time with her, even when we didn't say or do anything. I loved just being with her. That was impossible once we left Cuzco. But none of that was relevant anymore anyway. It was merely the glorious past, seemingly never to be replicated. As long as that damn Francis was in the picture, Scarlette and I could never be what we once were. I was her holiday in Goa (only in Peru) but that was all. I'm not sure she ever had real feelings for me. So I took comfort in long-necked friends. Half a bottle of bourbon would tide me over on a bad night. The night after I'd seen her at the gym, I was planning on an entire bottle. I was about a quarter of the way there when I heard a knock on my door. I put down my half-empty glass and turned down the Sinatra I had playing. The knock had startled me: no one ever came to my apartment. I walked up to the door and took a glance out the peephole. And lo, who should greet my eyes but a fidgeting Scarlette. I pulled back a little and sighed, but proceeded to open the door before she reconsidered her visit. As the door crept open I saw a smile come to her face. ”œBen,” Edited April 1, 2011 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Awww...so angsty and depressing. Ah, the pangs of unrequited love... Wasn't one of your poems about this girl? Something about what you said in this part seemed familiar. Good job on the writing. Got me really feeling the emotions of the moment. It was pretty dumb for her to come just to say that. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jedi Master Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 Indeed, the long narrative poem I posted is about this same girl. Everything happening in this story, however (save for the references to Peru), occured after that poem. I haven't written much more yet, but I'm hoping to soon. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Man, this is just heartbreaking and passionate all at the same time. It's good and angsty and dramatic! I think you'll be a shoe-in for best romance or drama next year if you keep this one up, and it continues to tell a titillating tale of love unrequited, loss, and heartbreak. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_master_gimpy Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Nicely written, TJM! It's a smooth, easy to read story, but it does catch you and pull you in. The first part seemed much more light-hearted despite the obvious backstory and hurt, while this second part really revealed a whole lot more depth to the pain...which is kind of sad, since this is "semi-autobiographical!" "It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales. "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TJM von Liechtenstein Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Thanks a lot, guys! I really appreciate the kind words. Unfortunately I haven't written very much more for this yet, but I'll try to get something up this weekend. @gimpy The story will be a bit up-and-down, so be prepared to go from light-hearted to depressing and back frequently. It's just kind of how things went down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jedi Master Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 Okay, a little later than I said it would be, but I've been a little busy lately. Enjoy! ((Warning: more adult language)) ----------------------------------- Fast forward a week. I'd been drowning my sorrows more heavily than usual since my talk with Scarlette. Fortunately work and school prevented me from taking it to too much of an extreme, but I pushed as close to the edge as I could. Even still, she was on my mind and I was more depressed than I had been in a long time. It was New Year's Eve. The only person I considered a true friend (and my sole racquetball partner), Tom, insisted that we go out drinking. I wasn't particularly up for it (the ”œout” Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 LOL...wow, he's so desperate. I can't help but feel the counter girl is right though. Scarlette is not treating him right. Good description of the racquetball game. I've never played, but you were detailed enough that I didn't feel that I didn't know what was going on. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_master_gimpy Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Haha, I feel like Hallie already said everything I was thinking! Scarlette doesn't seem ready to change her mind, and yet hasn't given him a clear or constant answer that helps him move on. Not a good position for her to put him, Francis, or herself. Counter girl seems to have read the situation clearly, but hmmm... could be troublesome to put herself out there as well, with his heart still conflicted. I don't know squat about squash either, and like Ami I thought you did a great job of describing with just enough detail to make it clear and easy to follow... without commenting about every single volley. You also did a good job of making it evident through the easy conversation and manner with Tom how close of friends they are. One thing - it was a little awkward how quickly Tom "exits," I think. I would add something to smooth it a little, i.e. "...and Tom, having noticed what I missed, extricated himself from the conversation with a silent wave." Just my opinion, though. "It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales. "Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Jedi Master Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Thanks a lot, guys! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, been busy with finals and all that jazz. I'm hoping to get some more written now that I'm done with school, but in all honesty I haven't written another word of this yet. LOL...wow, he's so desperate. He is not. You'll recall from the first post that he's been growing fond of the counter girl for some time. Only after we've lost everything are we free to do anything. Paper Street Press Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Just read through this TJM...nice work. Some good characterisations, and some smooth writing. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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