Guest Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 (edited) (ahahaha... teenage mush I wrote today for mine and Andons entertainment) Soft light shown through the window caused the room to faintly glow. Brandi pulled her pillow over her head as she tried to drown out the sound of her mother cooking. She dreaded mornings, more than that she loathed people who embraced the sunrise with such a warm welcome. ”œBrandi?” Edited December 16, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andon Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 So sweet and sugary, I think reading it gave me diabetes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 SugarmushSugarmushSugarmush! You did a nice job on the constuction of this, Almira. Nice description, not too lofty... but definitely sappier than maple syrup. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 A few grammatical errors...but I actually kind of enjoyed it. It wasn't ridiculously over the top mush either but then this was only the first post. Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joreel Ordo Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 We should PM a link to this for Jen, I bet she never wanders in here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 Are you writing more?! I liked it... but what can i say.... I have a sweet tooth looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 LOL...yeah, a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing big. Amusingly mushy. I wonder why that standard plot device was even started... SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 18, 2008 Share Posted November 18, 2008 It's actually a true story! Not the names though, but based on one of my best friends. Just I made it ten times mushier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthBrendo Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 So when do we get more? Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05 Order of the Nocturnal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 After I write more tomorrow at work. I didn't write today, I slept like 2 hours on the couch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorp Jedi Knight Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 I like want to eat salt now or something. This is too mushy mushy for my tastes. Like where is the beheading, the explosions, the bad love dialouge followed by kick but war scenes. Gah gonna make a cup of hot chocolate now, curl up under the blankets and.... Whoops, gotta go do something manly or somethin. Seriously though, it was interesting for me. Mainly because of the name Brandi and how I have a boss lady by that name, and she went on maternity leave not to long ago. So I kept accidently putting this picture of a some what older woman into the scene which gave it a rather, um interesting picture. Still there was the violence I required in it, that in the form of evil school girls. So my thirst for blood has been satisfied. Well, you could always just post something like "OMG GREAT FIC WOW!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 I have one with killings... it's not to be read online though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollynkesten Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 OMG loved it... Whats his name... how is he out of her league??... can you give us descriptions. i only ever knew one Brandi growing up, and i really dont want to put her face to a pretty story!!! I totally hope you write more! [CRITIQUE DISCOURAGED] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 Keeping her eyes focused on her belongings, Brandi tried to avoid eye contact with Satan, or Loubee, if you knew the Dark Lord personally. XD Satan is the best way to describe someone EVER, the most concise, easy way to immediately display personality for a character. That is just awesome. I giggled. This is the sort of writing more mushy fluff sappy heart heart stories need... that simple sort of realistic 'this is how I would describe it in my head if I was a romantic' writing. You've got that down wonderfully. She made her way swiftly past her mother, only to be greeted with a startling reflection. Using a nearby brush she forced her unruly auburn curls into a loose bun; her beauty regime consisted of water, soap, and an elastic hair tie. Yay! I can sympathize with your heroine because I mentally narrate like her and she's nice and simple and to the point... and her woo flamboyent drama but yet simple narrative, but mostly dialogue, makes it believable in a way I think most PUBLISHED romance novels are like. This isn't sarcasm. It feels like a natural, day-to-day dialogue and narrative. You make it nicely realistic, believable writing making it seem like a picture of someone's life, and therefore it's close to heart. Soooo... you promised an update...? Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I have 2nd installment of this piece of crap on my laptop. I glad you all are enjoying it though, it makes me giggle when I write it. I actually get embarrassed about how cheesy and corny it is. After I have Joey or Drew proofread it I'll upload. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 More? Soon? YAY!!!! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 (edited) Part two of the happy, rainbow butterfly story. Also, I didn't really proofread and don't care too being it's not anything I'm working on that's being taken too seriously. Keep your comments to yourself about sloppy grammar. If I wanted to know how bad the American school system was on teaching grammar I'd sent this to my friend Dav. Just sit back and enjoy my poor attempt at teenage mush. Thank you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brandi flipped open her phone as the beautiful stranger kept his gaze on her. Trying not to blush as she pushed a strand of hair that had fallen loose and into her eyes. Texting as quickly as her fingers would allow she frantically struggled for the right way to describe this situation to her best friend. Brandi: OMG! You will not believe what just happened to me! Kris: What? Brandi: Some gorgeous new guy keeps flirting with me in English. Kris: No way! Brandi: God don't act so freaking shocked. Kris: No, no! I didn't mean it that way I just meant, you have a new guy?! That's hot? Omg! Brandi: Yeah I don't know why he keeps talking to me though. Kris: I dunno, txt me later though I gotta go Mr. Dennnis won't stop staring at me. Brandi: Okay. Closing her phone she sighed as Loubee walked seductively into the room, and the minions came stumbling after. Flipping her hair she glanced around, taking in all the faces, and zeroing in on the new guy. Brandi sighed as she watched Loubee smirk and move towards the empty seat on the other side of his own. Gripping the desk with as much force as she could handle, she kept herself from throwing the text book at Loubee's new nose. She turned sideways slightly seeing if he'd noticed the succubus just as every other male in the room had. All she saw were blue eyes, studying her intently. Smiling triumphantly she closed her book and listened as the teacher cleared her throat. The bell rang causing a temporary chaos as the students gathered their things and sprinted out the door. Seth stood alone as he watched the redhead rummage through her large backpack. He noticed her right away, her shyness and vulnerability were enticing. She was tall, if she wasn't so elegant and graceful he'd surely thought she was on the school basketball team. Yet, after watching her move he realized she was more than likely a dancer. He figured she was what most people at this school considered plain, though he found her oddly beautiful. Clearing his throat he caused her to blush, he fought a smile as he watched the crimson spread rapidly across her face. Her skin was pale, inviting and despite her hair color she had not a single freckle. Her dark blue eyes looked incredibly innocent as she pushed a fallen strand of hair away from her heart shaped face. ”œMind walking me to my next class?” Edited December 16, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 YAY WE GOT MORE! I like this guy! More more more! please! And is drug even a word... well as a tense for drag? as in like sink and sunk? looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Lmao I have no idea where did I even say that? I tend to fall asleep writing and pick up again where I left off after I wake up, and this is at work.. <_< So there is no telling sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 the bit about her history class. You said her history class drug on.... and I am sitting here thinking THE HISTORY CLASS IS ON DRUGS! I think maybe I shouldn't have had that energy drink earlier... I feel hyper now! looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 There I fixed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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