The Black Planet Crisis

[Joran]

Author's Note

 

This is my first real attempt at fanfic so I am still trying to work out stylistic tidbits as well as my overall writing ability so please bear with me.

 

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The Black Planet Crisis

 

Part 1: Bright Lights In a Hall of Mirrors

 

Chapter 1

Courscant Entertainment District 0107 Hours

 

Blaring lights and pounding music surrounded Joran as he ran through the crowded streets of Courscant's bustling entertainment district. Neon signs bathed the walkway in every shade of colored light one might imagine. Ahead screams and yells of outrage filled the air as the man Joran was chasing pushed his way through the throng of people. For Joran however, people parted and made room for him to move by as he shouted ”œMove!”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I'm impressed! This is quite good for a first fanfic!

 

 

Just don't do this:

He was 39 years old and yes he had no left eye.

 

The "yes" doesn't work, it's too conversational. You could substitute "it was true." Other than that, watch your comma and other punctuation marks.

 

But really, great beginning!

[Dartha Athanth]

said the guard pointing at the slightly eschewed headband Joran used to cover the area where his left eye had once been. Joran hardly considered himself puny. He was 39 years old and yes he had no left eye. He happened however to be in the best shape of his life.

THIS REMINDS ME OF KAKASHI AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

 

I love Coruscant stories. Just watch your punctuation here and there.

 

More! Sounds interesting, if a bit of a parallel to Ep 2 and one of the clone wars prequel books that I can't remember. (where anakin and obi wan go drinking)

[Anakin T Skywalker]

one of the clone wars prequel books that I can't remember. (where anakin and obi wan go drinking)

 

Labyrinth of Evil

[Joran]

THIS REMINDS ME OF KAKASHI AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Is that a bad thing? I don't really know why but I have always been into the one eye thing. Maybe I'll do something with it in the next story.

[Dartha Athanth]

Lol being kakashi is a bad thing? I should have inserted a before that. haha. more!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Yeah, I agree, nice start! It certainly has promise.

 

Very reminicent of Ep. II, but we can let that slide for the opening scene. Watch for typos--I spotted a few here and there--mostly missed commas and such. I like your style.

 

She was a fairly competent student, if not a bit unfocused, and was considered to be, somewhat at her masters dismay, one of the most beautiful women in the Jedi Order.

 

A few things I'll just point out in this sentence: First, you have a double negative in "if not a bit unfocused". Get rid of the "not"--it's unnecessary. Also, it should be "somewhat to her master's dismay".

 

But like I said, this is good so far! It's very enjoyable and I'm interested to see what happens next.

[Tiana Calthye]

CRITIQUE TIME! Don't read if you don't want negative criticism. There's a tl;dr version for the lazy at the bottom.

 

 

 

 

Righto. Stylistically, this is your problem. Many, many writers do this. They want to hide flaws with WORDS. Seems logical, hey? Words = words. But the way you USE them.

 

Now, believe me when I say, this is better than MY first fanfic! I can't find my original original fanfic as proof, but it is horrible. Writing improves. What you could do with is a beta reader. You tend to miss commas... read your sentences out loud or even in your head and there will be natural feeling pauses. "I told you you need to keep up in your conditioning, Cerra!" Natural tones. But these aren't the problem. You could learn to spot your own proofreading mistakes, or get someone else to proofread. The issue is really in your style. You blast too much into our faces in one sentence.

 

For example.

 

“Conditioning has nothing to do with it Master,” she replied through gasps in her breath, “This smuggler seems like he could run across the whole planet without making a stop.” Joran replied with a mild grunt.

TWO narrative tags? Or did you miss a paragraph? I'm thinking Joran was a man and you missed the paragraph, but my point isn't just that. It's that each tag is a sentence in itself. 'She gasped' would've worked for the first one. The second one could've become 'Joren grunted. "This smuggler seems to..."' However, since you left the comma there, instead of a period, I interpet it as one person talking. You should NEVER use two tags. One in the middle! Or one at the end! Or one at the beginning! And don't be allergic to 'she said' 'he said'. There's no crime in using that just to indicate who's talking, don't overwhelm dialogue with 'she said through' 'he replied through's. I regret that I once told a girl I was beta reading for to stop using 'said' so much and use more fancy descriptives. I do believe she did need it as she was allergic to any other words and it did help her writing, but you? You seem to be allergic to 'said'. Or any short descriptives. Case in point? "“Gin Fenlar, I am Jedi Master Joran Vonar you are hereby under arrest.” Pausing for a moment, to consider his next words Joran continued, “Come down from the ledge and I promise I will do everything within my power to see that you are protected and provided every right guaranteed to you under Republic law.”"

 

"Joran paused."

 

Let your sentences breathe.

 

"Joran paused to consider his next words."

 

It's obvious he continued. You don't need to tell us he's continuing.

 

Back to the top! The dialogue descriptors are an easy way to improve your writing skills! Simply don't be so wordy with them. It's fine to be wordy with a few, but cutting others down to 'she replied' works acceptably and isn't so hard on a reader. Easy!

 

Back to the top. Description.

 

"Blaring lights and pounding music surrounded Joran as he ran through the crowded streets of Courscant’s bustling entertainment district. Neon signs bathed the walkway in every shade of colored light one might imagine. Ahead screams and yells of outrage filled the air as the man Joran was chasing pushed his way through the throng of people. "

 

See, you use words. Blaring, pounding, shade, throng. These are good words. They're really good words, they do bring up a definate sense of setting and feeling and well... they're better than my first fanfics, and even some of my later ones. I'm still probably not going to come up with those words. I tend to take the shortest route to a description as possible. So I probably would've worked it out a bit differently. And ironically, though your sentences are short, they still read run-on because you tend to put a few too many of those pretty words into one sentence. You're picking EXCELLENT words. Excellent choices. They really add to the setting. But if you put too many of those words in a sentence it becomes a chore to read. Let's try this instead.

 

"Pounding music filled the air, neon lights bathing the crowded walkway in every shade of colored light imaginable. Joran ran through the chaos, ignoring shouts of outrage as the man he pursued pushed his way through the throng of people. For Joran, however, people made room for him to move by as he shouted 'move!' and 'out of the way!' intermittently. People tended to listen when a Jedi yelled. Alongside Joran, his Padawan was with him, panting from the long run. Joran glanced at his student."

 

((He seems so... non-breathless. Lucky!))

 

You have a good vocabulary and a range of words. Good words. Words that pull up setting and feeling in our mind and might even occasionally get 'what does that word mean? o.O' from people. You definately have potential to be a good writer, as long as you start using the words right. Pretty words are great, but they don't belong in every sentence, especially in a chase, where the narrators are more clipped and focused on the scene right then and there.

 

This segment bothered me.

 

She was a fairly competent student, if not a bit unfocused, and was considered to be, somewhat at her masters dismay, one of the most beautiful women in the Jedi Order. The real source of Joran’s dismay though was that she knew it, and at times dressed accordingly. Granted it made some interrogations a bit easier, but Joran did not feel that it was conduct for a future Jedi. The rules had gotten a bit lax since the start of the war.

It's a common mistake for a male writer to assume that if a girl flashes some chest, any guy is going to melt. If he believes it's not good conduct, then by all means, your Jedi Master should not be letting it through! Some Star Wars books I've read indicated Jedi weren't even to wear jewelry! Certainly not dress like a slut. I mean, I suppose if you have a reason for her being really hot in the story, rather than just some male fantasy, sure. But especially as a Jedi main character, I don't like the idea of her being presented as flaunting herself as hot and she knows it. Jedi are trained from a young age to absolutely NOT be that way! Some women certainly are, but not Jedi women.

 

It's the common mistake of a guy roleplaying a woman, though, to assume she can just use her looks to make situations better. I think not. Any opponent worth his stripes will not spare her a glance, even if she intentionally waves her low-cut shirt in his face. Don't make the mistake of writing women as only sexual. You had her ogling a guy and dressing sexy? That's a Jedi? That's my hero? I don't think so. He seems to have his priorities straight--but let me add, she didn't even hit on the bouncer to try get in. But unless the story will have her either make some horrible mistake for this personality trait, or have her improve herself as a Jedi and set these things aside--or somehow otherwise use the fact that she's a bit boy obsessed (even though she's a Jedi in an order that doesn't permit marriage and relationships!) and hot and knows it (a bit slutty...ahem) to further the story, it's unnecessary sexism.

 

Let me say it--what you've done isn't WRONG, it just has the potential to be. Learning to write women as strong, competant characters as much as men is not difficult. It does not mean it WILL be, but has the potential to be. I've written women who dress slutty, I've written characters who use sex appeal to get their way... yes, women... but only for the sake of the story, not for the sake of having that character. And I'm not sure how I'd handle a Jedi who was more interested in boys and dressing hot, either... I dunno, but it strikes me as a quick and easy path to the dark side. Using her body to get what she wants (not saying it wouldn't work at times!) and being obsessed with carnal things? (whistles) Hmm. HEY ANAKIN.

 

Yep, sounds a bit like that.

 

Seriously, critique because you have potential. It's a good first fic and I don't want to see you continue to make common mistakes.

 

What you did good? Well, plenty! As I said, you pick good words. You don't necessarily apply them right, but the words you select are really good words. Not too long but they add setting and tone and intensity. I wish I could pick words like that.

 

Cliffie ending... we all KNOW if people fall off and their body is NEVER SEEN... oh fine. But still, cliffie. SOMEONE IS OUT THERE DUN DUN DUN.

 

Coruscant.

 

I have a weakness for Coruscant and pre-Fall Jedi!

 

The girl has personality weaknesses. Yes, I just critiqued you for the very same thing. However, if you continue to use this for the story's sake, making it a plot point and bringing it back and using it as her making MISTAKES instead of being hot to her advantage, making mistakes as a Jedi, you could use this excellently and wonderfully. You didn't make two perfect, heroic Jedi. I would like to see more faults in him, mind, but I expect as you keep going you'll introduce more personality to him and more to her than a stereotype. Right now they're Jedi on a mission and character building can wait.

 

Curious... how did the smuggler escape Joran sensing him? Half an hour for a Jedi to find him? Impressed...

 

Also, I like Jedi missions and Master/Padawan pairs. I really do. It reminds me of my earlier writing days, when Tiana was a Jedi Padawan. Ah, man. Those were fun. But I do really like reading about non-canon Padawan/Master pairs. Personal love of mine.

 

Ami pointed out some more structural things, but those are easy fixes. Adding commas and cutting words is the easy part of a story. You can't fix a boring plot. You have an interesting plot. Seriously, I do care about what happens next. It doesn't feel like a one-shot, I do actually care to see what happens to them.

 

So, you know. The writing and style things are fixable. Boring isn't fixable. You didn't write a boring story. Looks like it could be good and I'll keep an eye on it to see what happens next.

 

 

 

 

 

 

/traditional Tiana critique of doom.

 

 

 

 

tl;dr version: You can fix the grammar and sentence structure mistakes easily (beta reader or go over it yourself), don't overuse pretty words... spread them out more... shorter dialogue tags occasionally are good... be careful not to stereotype your women (though I do enjoy the idea of a Jedi not fitting the mold, in this time period I'm sure she would've been conditioned to be modest! I fear the dark side!)... the story is really interesting so far and I'll keep an eye on it, it has a lot of potential and is a really, really good first fanfic.

 

In fact, it's better than a lot of fanfics-that-came-after-the-first-attempt. Seriously, I have read some HORRORS. This did not make me want to carve my eyes out with a spoon, like some fics have!

 

It has promise and I'll be waiting for more writing from you!

[Joran]

Authors Note:

 

First off, wow. I was not expecting so much positive feedback on my first fic, on the first chapter even. Thank you all, I shall try to use the comments you've given me to make my writing and story the best I can.

 

This chapter is mostly setup so it wont be as fast paced as the first.

 

Chapter 2

 

Courscant, Jedi Temple 0930 Hours

 

”œMaster Windu will not be pleased,”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Nice work, setting up the drama between Joran and Ryda.

 

One thing - According to The Cestus Deception, clones really do not have names. They are only given numbers throughout their lives. It was the Jedi who came up with the idea of naming some of them, ARCs who were bred with more normal human characteristics, clones who had especially distinguished themselves, and such.

[Joran]

That's true I suppose. I was going off the Republic Commando style for names. Thought it would be easier to refer to them by some sort of name rather than, "Hey, you there!"

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Well, you could start by having them called by their numbers, and have Joran work into giving them names. He seems like the type who'd gear toward that rather quickly.

[Joran]

Author's Note

 

God this section took forever. I kept re-writing it trying to figure out the specifics but now its at a place I am happy with.

 

Next chapter will be up in less time hopefully

 

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Chapter 3

 

Hyperspace, En-route to Kathol Sector aboard Relentless, Flagship of the 127th fleet 1023 hours

 

The buzzing of a comlink awoke Joran from his meditation, snapping his eyes open with the sudden disturbance of noise. Standing up from the mat he was sitting on he moved to the table and opened the link. ”œGeneral Vonar sir?”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Good update. It feels pretty nice and StarWarsy, reminiscent of some of the war-era novels I read this summer. Just be careful of your grammar. Sometimes your dialogue is a bit stiff-sounding, too.

[DarthBrendo]

Interesting story. I won't do a full critique as Tiana has covered everything in hers. I will mention that Cerra wouldn't be referred to as 'Miss', but as Padawan. And you need to watch capitalisation. Still had some run on sentences in the last update, and some cluttered descriptions, but it was much better then the earlier posts.

 

I'll be interested to see where this goes.

 

Well Done.

[Joran]

Chapter 4

 

Aaris III Space 1402 Hours

 

”œWell, Dac was right. This place is just a rock in the middle of nowhere”

[Joran]

Part 2: Positioning the Pieces

 

Chapter 5

 

Aaris III, Kastays City, 1612 Hours

 

The going was slow for Joran and his troops as they moved through the streets Kastays. Droid patrols were everywhere, and they were on high alert. The preliminary bombardment the 127th had dealt the city was only aimed at military targets, but as always not all of their Intel was accurate. The Separatist command building loomed in the distance as one of the handful of buildings not damaged. It was a distinct feature of the city; most buildings were of grey stone, only about 4 stories high. The command building though was at least 100 stories, and completely metal. Joran stopped and stared at it for a moment, wondering how the Seps thought that looked inconspicuous on this planet. It didn't matter though; all he had to do was blow it up. The orbital bombardment had helped in one sense, it got the droid battalion guarding the building broken up and into the city preparing for what they thought would be a long siege. Shield generators of the type they had would take months to break down with conventional means.

 

Joran and his squad moved down a side street from one of the main boulevards, snaking their way through the debris taking the fastest, and safest, route to their objective. The heat was oppressive though. Joran, the only one not in a suit of climate controlled armor, was already sweating. He never liked hot places, and jungle planets were always hot. Perhaps that means I was born on a world where it was cold most of the time, he mused to himself. Kastays City itself was the only speck of civilization for miles, surrounded by thick jungle on all sides. Escape from the city by anything other than starship would be tenuous at best. Aytan was taking point as the column of soldiers made their way down the streets; he had refused to let Joran go first for fear he would be taken down by a sniper. It was a good thing too, because only after a half hour of walking, they nearly turned straight into a droid patrol.

 

The patrol was 50 meters down the street and at the sight of Aytan's blue streaked ARC trooper armor opened fire. Joran's team took cover where they could, but unfortunately for them the right side of the street they were fighting on was an empty lot. The clones took cover wherever they could, some lying prone on the ground with only a half meter high pile of debris between them and the droids. Joran leapt behind the wall of what was left of a building that had been hit in the orbital bombardment. Aytan was there with him, leaning out from the wall and firing a few shots from his DC-15 rifle intermittently. Turning to Joran he yelled more than said, ”œWe can't retreat sir. If we do the Seps will know we're here and our mission will be busted. The patrol must be destroyed.”

[DarthBrendo]

I liked how you had Joran improvise with the 'cover'. lol.

 

Few grammatical errors, but nothing to major. You had "Repelling" when it should have been "Rappelling" in the first of the 2 posts.

 

Look forward to the next update.

[Joran]

Chapter 6

 

Kastays City, 1910 hours

 

”œI don't like it,”

[Dartha Athanth]

Woo bloody. Nice updates, I haven't been catching up. Like the pace of your action, and Joran (the character ) seems a nice person to have for a Master, in a deadpan sort of way. The clones seem cute too - now with the new cartoon out, I totally picture them with cute australian accents and everything.

[Joran]

Chapter 7

 

Kastays City, 2035 hours

 

Darkness and an oppressive stench filled the sewers under the Separatist command building. Joran had to keep one of the long sleeves of his Jedi robe up to his face to keep from gagging. Every tunnel they went down from the moment they entered the sewer system was over flowing with all manner of trash and waste one could imagine. The clones didn't seem to mind too much though, and they wouldn't, since their armor came equipped with air filters that got rid of the smell. When this mission is over, I'll have to burn these robes, Joran thought to himself, and I am going to have to get some equipment in case I have to do something this disgusting again. Moving closer to Aytan who was a few paces in front of him Joran asked, ”œHave we reached the entry point yet? I don't think I can stand much more of this blasted tunnel.”

[Joran]

Chapter 8

 

Kastays City, 2306 hours

 

Cerra sat on a crate in the derelict factory that the LAAT she had come in on was hidden. Around her milled her squad, the ones that weren't on guard duty anyway, adjusting their weapons and talking amongst themselves. In front of Cerra was the box that contained the artifact she was supposed to secure. She hadn't had the courage to open it while her master wasn't there. When she had taken the box back in the Historical Academy, a wave washed over her that nearly took her off her feet. She couldn't help but feel that something unsettling was in that box. Calm down, she told herself, You're just being paranoid. It's a box for goodness sake! She began reaching for the box, intending to open it, but pulled back thinking better of it. Though, it may still be a good idea to wait for Master Vonar before opening it.

 

Leaning back Cerra let her thoughts wander. It had been some time since her master had gone off on his own part of the mission;he should have been back by now. Cerra walked over to sergeant Kad and asked, ”œAny word yet?”