An old beginning

[Jedi Kiara]

Ok folks... It has been a while since I posted anything. I have been doing only original work lately, so I just didn't have anything.

 

The story behind this post, is that I have rewritten the beginning to my story so many times... and I just didn't want all that writing to go to waste. So I thought it couldn't hurt to post it since I had decided to go another direction. Let me know what you think... and if my decision to not go with this as the beginning was a good one or not. Let me know if you would have read on.

 

Thanks guys! I'd appreciate the feed back.

 

***

 

 

The twilit sky was smooth, unmarred by even the tiniest puff of clouds. Evening birds chirped in the trees surrounding the lake, and the air was warm and rich with the fragrance of distant roses in their annual early summer bloom. Welcoming its effects, Lorienna allowed herself a moment to relax into the rhythm of the lake's waters, which were forever lapping against the nature-made dirt wall. Indoors all of her unease and uncertainties had been smothering her, constantly hanging over her head and pressing in on her heart. But out in nature and on a warm summer's eve, it was as though a spell was cast over her fluttering heart, allowing her to become a part of the very world which pure nature created. It was much easier to forget her troubles out here.

 

But all too soon, the sound of footfalls on a rocky terrain brought her head around and despite the calm atmosphere, her heart began to thump anew. In the coming twilight, she could see the figure of a young man forging his way down the path which she herself had taken just moments before. A dizzying excitement, and an unconscious pang of worry coursed through her veins as he approached, and she straightened her shoulders and prepared herself by displaying a smile which she hoped, did not betray her mixed emotions. What had she to fear from the man who held her heart and every happiness? He had thus far been a careful caretaker.

 

So why the fear?

 

The young man's face was barely discernable in the fading light, but she managed to see him return her smile. He stopped in front of her, and silence reigned as the young couple stared into one another's eyes. Lorienna had never seen eyes that were so blue; just the sight of them had a powerful effect on her baring.

 

The young man affectionately brushed a few strands of hair from her face and gently tucked them behind her ear. He smiled again. ”œIt is good to see you again, Lady Lorienna,”

[DarthBrendo]

First of all, welcome back, however brief it is it is always good to see you walking the boards in here.

 

But I think you made the right decision in not using this as an opener. It is a good passage, very well written with enough descriptives to satisfy even me, but I think this particular passage would serve better as a middle of the story piece, or as a flashback, or an opener intyo a flashback if that makes sense. I would be interested to read what you did end up using as your opener though.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Hey, I'm interested! I sense a lot of history behind here and I wnat to know about it! You drew me in by talking about all of Lorienna's worries becoming too much for her inside the house. What is she worrying about? It didn't sound like it was all over the prince. And the description was amazing. I also liked the way you showed some defects in both characters - prince's lack of commitment, and Lorienna's naive notion that he'll be different for her.

[Amidala Skywalker]

KIARA!!! I can't believe you posted something!! I'm so happy!!!

 

You don't realize how good it was to read your writing again.

 

Anyway, I thought it was excellent. There are a few grammar things here and there (commas and apostrophes mostly). As always, your descriptions are outstanding. And I like that the guy's name is only one letter different from my favorite character of yours of all time.

 

I agree that it was great, but that it was a good decision not to use it. From what you said about the characters, maybe it's not a perfect introduction of their personalities. You did introduce them well as far as situation, what was going on, etc, but character is important too. That said, I really liked it alot, and I certainly encourage you to keep working on the story so that when it gets published I can read it!!

[Tiana Calthye]

Permission to tear this apart plzkthxbai. Besides, you've criticized my work, it's definately my turn now! Returning the favors and all... hahaa... aha. Okay, anyway, I agree heartily with your choice to not use this.

 

Let me know if you would have read on.

 

As an editor/agent/publisher for fantasy literature? First paragraph, I'm done. I'm gone. But you're lucky I'm not. Well, no, this is my job if I'm an editor/agent/person so I have to at least read the entire page.

 

Blahblahlbah...

 

Dadadadada...

 

Oops, misused word. A few tiny mistakes but the mistakes won't always be a killer. Gah, dialogue. Blahblahblah. Yeah, okay, I'm done. You'd get a 'NOT RIGHT FOR US', I think, with this start. If I was a romance novel editor? I might've kept going. Maybe. Probably. Well, it was mushy and stuff.

 

Nowwww...

 

BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM in which TIANA EXPLAINS WHY EXACTLY KIARA SHOULDN'T USE THIS BEGINNING (like she decided to) BESIDES THE OBVIOUS ROMANCE NOVELY SOUND FACTOR.

 

Sidenote: she's going to be hard on you because you want to be published, but don't worry, she LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!

 

1) If I picked this up without a title/cover, genre approprate placement in a library or whatever, let me tell you this: I would expect to have picked it up in the cheesy paperback portion of the supermarket. Well, people buy those so obviously there's nothing entirely and utterly wrong with that but that's not the genre you're going for. You want a hardcover sale, your book in the front of the bookstore window, not languishing in the corner of a supermarket where someone grabs it for an airplane ride. Not shoved onto the rack of books with hawt, six-pack guys and girls with their dresses falling off, and roses covering everything else covers. Nooo, you want something that jumps out! Not a bad romance novel. This read like a bad romance novel.

 

What were your mistakes? Well, let's just carry on!

 

2) Goooooooooodmorningandnowthenovelstartswitha... bang? Bang? What bang? What do you mean, I DON'T GET A BANG? Of course not. I get a description of the weather! A sappy description of the weather. From a cheese-filled heroine. Believe me, this isn't keeping me reading. I'm treating you as a published writer, Kiara. I'd keep reading if this was posted on Jedi.net, just to let you know: if this was on here, I'd be all over it and praising their good writing because its crisp, visual, well written and not full of ugly mistakes. But I'm treating you as the books I pick up in the library/store.

 

Would I keep reading? No. I'd read the first three paragraphs and stop riiight there. I might flip through a bit and see if anything amazing happens to change my mind. But you'll be sending in three chapters to an agent, and possibly the last chapter too--they won't do that, this first page has to be what keeps them reading. Descriptions of the weather are the furthest thing from 'I want to keep reading and find out what happens next!!!!!!!!' mood that you want. And you don't need an explosion to do that. What you do need is an immediate jump into what wants us reading the scene. I presume you've realized these things but hey, other people could learn from this review... even I learn from this review.

 

If the first three paragraphs were cut, I daresay I might even keep reading if you corrected the word 'bearing'. Baring made me wonder what happened to her shirt and when I missed her taking it off and why you were writing soft pr0n.

 

3) OMG. If I had to read this dialogue through the entire story, you'd lose me no matter how well the story was written. Do you know why? Here.

 

I'll tell you.

 

I've written the same dialogue myself. Different words. Same thing. Banter that goes nowhere. It's too... too... OMG. No one talks like that! Or they do but who wants to read it? Hi, hi, how are you, that's great, my mom's fine, hey, how about that weather. That's what you wrote, just with prettier words. Look, you want the romance novel, great, skip ahead to him wooing her with the sun gone down and (OMG ANAKIN LINES) the stars shining in her eyes making her so very beautiful, please don't change SAND.

 

Let me stress: your dialogue is roughly on the lines of Attack of the Clones. I didn't hate Attack of the Clone's dialogue that much. I just expect to see this only appear in a romance novel. EVER. You clutter up my fantasy action fiction, or even my coming of age/learning morals novel with this stuff and I'm putting it down and buying the latest Star Wars book instead. At least I know I'll get a few explosions out of that.

 

Now if you cut down, things get a bit better. I sense a bit of heartbreak among the cheese. His lines still make me want to gag myself with a spoon but her emotion made its way through the agonizingly purple-prosed up paragraphs and into my heart. I actually began to feel sorry for her. Was it your description that did it? Noooo. What was it that caught me for a moment?

 

Lorienna wrinkled her brow. ”œWhy would you have to remember me like this? You will always have me to make many memories with.”

[Jedi Kiara]

DarthBrendo Posted:

 

First of all, welcome back, however brief it is it is always good to see you walking the boards in here.

 

But I think you made the right decision in not using this as an opener. It is a good passage, very well written with enough descriptives to satisfy even me, but I think this particular passage would serve better as a middle of the story piece, or as a flashback, or an opener intyo a flashback if that makes sense. I would be interested to read what you did end up using as your opener though.

 

Why thank you! I am glad you agree. Thanks for the advice!

 

 

Anakin T Skywalker Posted:

 

Hey, I'm interested! I sense a lot of history behind here and I wnat to know about it! You drew me in by talking about all of Lorienna's worries becoming too much for her inside the house. What is she worrying about? It didn't sound like it was all over the prince. And the description was amazing. I also liked the way you showed some defects in both characters - prince's lack of commitment, and Lorienna's naive notion that he'll be different for her.

 

Ah tanks! Though in truth, Lorienna is not really going to be a main character. This is the only scene she is in!

 

 

Amidala Skywalker Posted:

 

KIARA!!! I can't believe you posted something!! I'm so happy!!!

 

You don't realize how good it was to read your writing again.

 

Anyway, I thought it was excellent. There are a few grammar things here and there (commas and apostrophes mostly). As always, your descriptions are outstanding. And I like that the guy's name is only one letter different from my favorite character of yours of all time.

 

I agree that it was great, but that it was a good decision not to use it. From what you said about the characters, maybe it's not a perfect introduction of their personalities. You did introduce them well as far as situation, what was going on, etc, but character is important too. That said, I really liked it alot, and I certainly encourage you to keep working on the story so that when it gets published I can read it!!

 

lol! Thanks Ami! You don't know how good it feels to get a review from you again! This is so fun!

 

 

And now... for Tiana... whom I knew would be all over this! I was just waiting for your reply!

 

I won't quote yours because it would make this post waaaaay too long. But I will reply.

 

First of all, I don't mind the harsh critique at all! I figured you had the right since I was hard on your work. I am amazed at how well you were able to put into words the EXACT reason I decided to completely omit this beginning. I re-read it one day and realized that I wouldn't have read on myself! I was trying to portray the prince as a player... thus the flowery conversation... but I think I did a bad job of it. And I realized, this being the beginning page... well... I would have been embarrassed for people to think this was what the entire story would be like! I promise you, I am not a romance novelish writer. I was trying something different, but it just did not work.

 

hehe. I do have to quote one line though...

 

If the first three paragraphs were cut, I daresay I might even keep reading if you corrected the word 'bearing'. Baring made me wonder what happened to her shirt and when I missed her taking it off and why you were writing soft pr0n.

 

LOL!!!! That line really made me chuckle!

 

And yes, I do have a problem with using the wrong spelling at times. I would of course, have editted more thoroughly, had I intended to publish it.

 

This is really great! See, I am in a book writing club with my sister and my friend. Yes, there are only three of us... and yet we still call it a club. Ah well... anyway... Neither of them pointed out that this scene was too romancy-cheezyish! I had to decide that for myself... and then they agreed! I really need to get honest opinions! My sister is actually getting better at being honest. She is half the reason I keep re-writing the beginning scene. Not that I don't appreciate her input... I usually agree with what she says.

 

So thanks so much for your harsh crit, Tiana! Your thoughts are along the very same lines of my own. It's good to know someone else agrees!

 

Now the question... do I dare post my new beginning scene? Hmmm....

[DarthBrendo]

Yes Kiara, please postr what you *did* use as a beginning.

[NavyGal]

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIARA!!!!!!!!!!

 

*Crash tackle bear hugs Kiara*

 

YOU POSTED!!!

 

ok now for the story

 

I'll leave everything I would have said to everyone else as they said it already! Definately not what I would use as an opener.... too mushy for that. And PLEASE post what you did use for the opener.

 

pwetty pwease?! *puppy dog eyes*

[Tiana Calthye]

do I dare post my new beginning scene? Hmmm....

Yes, yes you do.

 

Though in truth, Lorienna is not really going to be a main character. This is the only scene she is in!

This wasn't at me but... WHAT? All the more reason to cut it. Lorienna's the only character I cared about in this scene. I hated him. XP Probably your intent too...

 

I really need to get honest opinions!

I is an honest opinion. Seriously. I'll tear it apart and explain EXACTLY what I thought and expect you--yes, EXPECT you to justify it with a reason as to why you did it that way or why you don't agree with my opinion or how you did it. If you wanna post your other beginning lemmee know if you don't want a crit, though.

[NavyGal]

Yup I think Tiana definately qualifies for most ruthless fanfic reader. She tells it as it is!

 

POST MORE PLEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!

 

And yeah I only cared about Lorienna in that excerpt.

[Jedi Kiara]

lol! Yeah, I figured it would seem like either a set up for them to eventually get back together, or for her to be the main character.... bad choice for a beginning. hehe.

 

Well folks, after posting that, I made a major decision. And I have changed my opener yet again! What I keep doing is going on to the next scenes and saying... ok I'll begin it there instead. Well I have now gone 4 scenes down the road and I think I FINALLY may have a good opener. I need to change a few things so it will fit though. I am not sure if I dare post it so publicly though, because it will actually explain in better detail what my story is about. The first scene with Lorienna did not give the merest... well maybe the merest.... but hardly a clue as to what the story is about. So I felt safe posting it. I'll have to give some thought as to how I could post it.

[Amidala Skywalker]

So Snarky is still writing?

 

Tiana, I am totally going to quote your crit. The co-writer with me on our novel just sent me a totally new beginning/opening segment to our story, and I wasn't sure what didn't feel right about it. But I think you probably nailed it. It's very descriptive and, well, slow. Before we had the MC dumped right into the action (mostly because we didn't intend to turn it into a novel in the beginning, lol). I think I'll tell her I want to go back to that beginning, and we can work her intro stuff in later.

 

Kiara, we will trust your judgement! You know if you post it we will all be thrilled.

[Tiana Calthye]

Ami, tell her point blank:

No one cares about your descriptions. No one cares about the weather. People DO care about your character getting shot at, chased by bad guys, falling madly in love and having it torn from her, or WHATEVER IT WAS YOU'RE DOING IN THAT STORY.

 

Your readers do not care about your backstory, amazing novel history, and pretty descriptions of the weather. Work those in with the story and maybe they will, but in the start, what they want is a story that'll hook them in, not a load of slow, boring drivelous description.

 

Use the action.

 

<3 Tiana.

 

Kiara:

Your story is probably not amazing and intensively and utterly and completely original enough that if you post it the four or five people on Jedi.net that will read it and care will steal it. Art is a bit more stealable than ideas; short stories are wayyy more stealable than novel starts/novel premises. Change your character and place names if that'll help--find and replace is your friend. If it makes you feel safe, I have a suggestion though!

 

A passworded download file. You can PM anyone who wants to read it the download URL. You can put, for example, a password on a .zip file and upload to somewhere like sendspace.com.

 

Or make an account on esnips.com and make a friends only folder there.

 

You really don't have to worry, though. Maybe 10 people will read what you post. And they'll all be writers on here, and you know we all have our own original ideas that we just KNOW are all better than everyone else's. It just comes down to: do you value the critique opportunity more than your novel's possible safety...

 

If I was actually worried (I've posted an exerpt from On The Edge on a few sites; I'm not, but then I'm not concerned anyone will figure out the details of my plot from my exerpts either... bwaahahaaa.) I'd simply give 'placeholder' names to everything that mattered... the characters in the scene and any place names. Since I have transferred files I worry about in semi-public places, I have done the passwording thing as well.

 

And I admit, I might actually just want to read a bit more, not because I care about your characters but because I want to see how you improved upon this.