Galadriel Kenobi Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 (edited) Servant of the Force - Part 1 By: Galadriel Kenobi Rating: PG Genre: Drama Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Star Wars because Star Wars belongs to George Lucas. However, I do own Shalina. I'm not making any money off of this story, and no copyright infringement is intended. Many thanks to Tiana, who betaed this for me! Prologue I hate you! The heart-breaking words still resounded in Obi-Wan's ears. His mind still reeled from the brutal barrage of dark emotions that his former apprentice had subjected him to; his head ached from when Anakin had abruptly demolished their mental link. But none of that could compare to the anguish in his heart that was caused by his brother's betrayal. As the Jedi Master's eyes focused on the barely-breathing form of Senator Amidala where she lay on an examining table beyond a wall of transparisteel, his heart was weeping for his lost brother. How could you, Anakin? his soul cried. How could you betray everything you once stood for? How could you attempt to destroy the one whom you claimed to love more than life itself? Where did I go wrong in teaching you? Why, my brother? Why? The doctor who had been examining Padmé approached, and he forced himself to focus on her words instead of dwelling in the past. ”œMedically,” Edited September 13, 2007 by Guest "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted July 15, 2007 Share Posted July 15, 2007 Great intro!!! Caught the readers attention, and held on to it. Very nice work. I loved Obi-Wan's part, and I like Shalina's character already. You did a great job summing up her past, and I like how she is one of the ones that was not chosen. My only problem with it is tiny--all of a sudden, Shalina had her first line, and I didn't even know she was there! I didn't know who she was...but of course, you remedied that quickly in the next line. It was just confusing for a brief minute--I wondered if Shalina was one of the droids... Anyway, great job, and wonderful introduction! Looking forward to more! SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Psst. Good work fixing this, but... His mind still reeled from the brutal barrage of dark emotions that his former apprentice had subjected him to; His head ached from when Anakin had abruptly demolished their mental link. After that semicolon, it shouldn't be capitalized. But yes, much neater. And... babies”””œ This is an annoying glitch with Word. It's stupid. And annoying. And nothing you do will change it. If you end a sentence in quote marks with an emdash (””) no matter what you do, it will put the quote marks in the wrong direction. Your only solution to this problem is to either put a temporary letter after the emdash, or to not put the emdash, do the quote mark, then go back and use alt 0151 to get it. I do the former, most of the time. Also, to-morrow is not correct. Tomorow is correct. Saves you a keystroke. And Ami's quite right, it was good, it kept attention and makes us want to see more. I know I wasn't quite as uplifting in betaing as I could've been, but that was the whole point. It was good. If it wasn't, I would've been way worse. And I agree, you did a wonderful job telling her past without history dumping. She's a good character. Not a Sue, at least, from this beginning... she feels pretty believable. Great work with the edits, and wow, did you ever get them done fast. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silas Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Wow! Great work. I really enjoyed reading this story, and Shalina is a really cool character. I'm not one to really 'review' stories, so I'll leave it at that, but IMO it was great. Don't listen to Tiana's thing about semicolons. She's a freakin' grammar nazi. Proud member of the JNET Addicts Club since November '05 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galadriel Kenobi Posted July 17, 2007 Author Share Posted July 17, 2007 All noted typos and other errors have been edited out. Ami - Is it less confusing now? I'm glad you like Shalina! Tiana - Thanks for the critique and the encouragement! Silas - I'm glad you like my OC, and I'm honored that you have 'reviewed' my story. Thanks! And I'd better listen to Tiana because she's my beta. (Not to mention the fact that she was right.) "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Wow! Great work. I really enjoyed reading this story, and Shalina is a really cool character. I'm not one to really 'review' stories, so I'll leave it at that, but IMO it was great. Don't listen to Tiana's thing about semicolons. She's a freakin' grammar nazi. I'm not a grammar nazi, I didn't even spellcheck or read over my last posted story. It's a simple rule of capialization... it was not the beginning of a sentence, dialogue, or a name... it was a pronoun... that might sound grammarnaziish, but I wouldn't have pointed it out if it wasn't 'He' capitalized improperly, because He capitalized like so is usually only used in reference to deties, and Obi-Wan's just a human, though fangirls might prefer otherwise... I'm just a grammar, uhh... well, not a nazi. And yeah, she'd better listen to me (most of the time). ...Oh, you actually fixed it? (dies) You don't have to do that once you've made your final post. I just make suggestions in reviews like so because I am a critical reviewer. Yeah. I await more in my PM box. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I like that, Galadriel. You could have put her name in the last line before the break now, but it works great. Ready for some good news? I was watching Ep. III last night and I thought about Shalina. I caught myself wondering where she was in the scene. That's awesome, cause it means you really captured the style and flair of the movies! Great work! I was proud of you when I caught myself thinking that! SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Nice! It seems I have another fic which I shall have to keep an eye on. I loved the portrayal of Yoda. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galadriel Kenobi Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Chapter 1 will be up tomorrow or the next day. I was watching Ep. III last night and I thought about Shalina. I caught myself wondering where she was in the scene. Wow! It really made my day when I read that. Thanks! NavyGal - Glad you enjoyed it! Yoda is one of my favorite characters. "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galadriel Kenobi Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Chapter 1 ”œReverting to realspace in thirty seconds,” "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediKaren Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 hey, not bad at all! Keep it up! Bringing Light into Darkness Join the Psiworld Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 Intriguing... very intriguing. Nice work. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galadriel Kenobi Posted September 12, 2007 Author Share Posted September 12, 2007 Thank you again to Tiana for betaing! Chapter 2 ”œPay attention, Initiate Kinas!” "Freedom is not the right to do what we want, but what we ought." --- Abraham Lincoln "We must all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang seperately." --- Benjamin Franklin in the movie, 1776 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 You know my thoughts on this chapter already. Just thought... ah... the first sentence in the first post...? "I hate you"? For some reason the word hate was removed. Does your computer have some sort of strange censoring program on it that deletes "bad" words...? Because I know it was there before--but assumably when you edited, somehow it got deleted. I'd suggest putting it back, and checking for any other removed words. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Nice postie! So Yoda knows now... Looking good. looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 First of all, allow me to congratulate you on your choice of viewpoints. A Jedi with a healing gift who was not chosen the first time around? That one's new to me! Also, you made her very likable. And you did a very good job of conveying the sense of frustration of a ten-year-old Jedi initiate with a whole extra set of memories! My one curiosity: Why is Obi-Wan waking her up for class? Is there some connecion between them, or did you choose him because it would tell her when she is? Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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