Asylum (NSW)

[Chosen One Ephant Mon]

Kind of an off-the-cuff whimsical thing, but I hope to keep it going.

 

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My father told me two things before he died. The first was “Look out for your mother.” The second I couldn’t quite hear, because my mother was running up behind me with an ax. Dad didn’t make it.

 

People ask what it’s like in the bin. Most of the time I don’t answer because I’m told they’re in my head. But sometimes I’ll say it’s the greatest place on earth. You’re never lonely. It’s never boring. You can say anything you want without consequence. What’s more comfy than a padded room? The dress code is a little restricting but that’s about the only downside. The other guys are always trying to break out of here but they must be crazy. Where else could I talk with Lennon, Lincoln, and Christ—all at the same table? I’m still amazed they would deign to visit us. I’ve heard they make the rounds at other houses but I always see them here, so they must be pretty slick. And I have the eyes of a hawk (I used to be one).

 

People say it’s not my fault that I’m in here—that I’m the byproduct of a parental hack job. I suppose that’s true, but it’s hardly profound—it was in all the papers. For a time I thought Mom was going to come join me but the jury would have none of that. That’s okay, I guess. It would have been awkward. Plus they’d have to take all the axes out of here. And honestly, I wouldn’t want to live on the outside because from what I hear everything is going to hell. Everyday at breakfast Stuart tells me about all the agencies that are after him for no good reason at all: CIA, FBI, NASA—even three different crime syndicates. He’s a little paranoid, but who wouldn’t be? He says he’s here because it’s the only place they’ll never find him. I hope he’s right. No one’s come busting down the door yet. Regardless, it’s enough for me to know that if that kind of thing can happen on the outside to a good guy like Stuart, it’s no place I want to be.

 

There aren’t many things on the docket, which suits me just fine, but there are fun surprises from time to time. Today we roasted a marshmallow. It wasn’t amused. A humorless marshmallow—who could believe it? One thing I don’t understand is why all the doors lock from the inside. That seems like a pretty big design flaw. I talked to one of the supervisors about it never but never got a straight answer. I would be worried about intruders if I didn’t have a strong faith in people. There are two guys, I hear the orderlies call them Bailey and Stuart (I’ve never met them)—they are always trying to get through those doors. The staff always rushes in to stop them, I’m sure because they know about the flaw and don’t want them wasting their energy. It’s nice of them, but they really should get that fixed.

 

I don’t get many visitors. It’s okay because I just stick to my books. I can read in four languages, which I hear is pretty rare. Sometimes I wish I could understand the symbols on the page, but it’s not important. I’ll read for hours at a time and can keep on reading through anything: darkness, nightmares, snores—even my own. I have to go now though because they’re telling me I have a visitor. I’m intrigued because I really have no idea who it might be. I have no family (foster kid) and all of my friends are on Facebook (been meaning to visit soon). Maybe they’ll have marshmallows.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Guest

[Amidala Skywalker]

LOL...I really don't know what to say to that. But it takes major skills to write from a lunatic's point of view. And this was really good. So props on that!

[Jidai Geki]

Nice. Very darkly humorous. I loved the little insane asides, such as his explanation of having the eyes of a hawk as "I used to be one". Entertaining read.

[Obi-quiet]

I have to admit, that was rather entertaining. I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it, eh?

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Haha....uh, wow! Well, you definitely got the crazy-person down, and with what he apparently saw it's no wonder that his mind is completely unhinged! I'll second what Ami said - it took quite a bit of skill to write this so convincingly. You pulled it off with all of the little asides, the stream-of-consciousness flow, and the complete innocence and gullibility of how he takes everything at face value, and yet quite clearly adds some crazy commentary of his own as well.

 

You've set it up in such a way that you can easily continue it, as you've mentioned. Who's the mysterious visitor?

 

Oh, and is "Bailey and Stuart" something I should have recognized but didn't? Or is this something to be revealed?

 

The dress code is a little restricting but that's about the only downside.

Especially when they pull out the straight jackets!

[Chosen One Ephant Mon]

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Well, the cat is out of the bag. She’s still alive, thank God. But she was really shaken up. Makes me dizzy just thinking about it. Roger was shocked, of course. I guess he deserved it, pulling a stunt like that (I think he may have mental problems). But the screams were hard to listen to. And now sweet Lily is down an owner. Poor kitty.

 

In other news, the thing I’ve been keeping secret is now known by everyone. The other day when that fellow came to visit, Trilby I think the name was, with the scrunched-up hat (I don’t remember what it’s called), he told me something that knocked my socks off. Something about Mom and Pop’s estate, claiming the inheritance, yada yada. To be honest his ears were so pointy I could hardly pay attention to the little guy. Anyway, he mentioned something about proving “mental stability” and some tests or other, and having “no choice” and being “forced” to do all this if I want to see any money. First of all, I may be red-green colorblind, but I see money just fine. And second, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s seeing someone trapped and bossed around, even a loon like him. I don’t know who he’s taking orders from but I have a soft spot for his kind (their work on Christmas is exquisite). So naturally I stopped him right there, dropped my boots and gave him my wooly gold-toes. “You’re free,” I told him. He didn’t say much but I think he was grateful.

 

Oh, and Stuart has been bugging me lately. Micro-recorders in my cereal and whatnot. I told him to eat it but he said I already had. It’ll come out one way or another. But I think that’s how everyone found out. And since then it’s been nothing but hullabaloo. Yeah, it’s true: There is mucho dinero in the cutlery biz if you know how to slice it. And for a while my family was raking in the pounds. But I don’t need people staring at my largess. We did Atkins. It’s those damn saturated fats. I’m still working on it, for God’s sake. You can’t please everyone.

 

So I’ve been thinking of moving. Stuart says the only way out of here is through a wormhole, but that’s nonsense. We’d never fit. People can be so irrational. And now I get called in twice a week to have doctors ask me questions. It hasn’t gone smoothly. Every time I end up giving them the bird (I found him making a nest beside my window bars—name’s Jeremy). But they’ll have none of it. I’m no Avian supremacist, but geez. Guess a show of good will is a thankless gesture. Their loss.

 

Mainly I just wish they wouldn’t treat me like I child. I’m loads better at coloring. And they always hedge around things like they’re hiding some secret I’m too delicate to know. “Oh, he can’t find out about Santa!” Give me a break. I’m a grown man. I know Claus outsources. He’s a capitalist, just like me. But worst is when they talk to me like I don’t know who I am. I’m sick of it. That’s why I’m putting all my affairs in order to take my leave and reclaim the family business. It’s time to move on. And if they try to stop me they’re going to have to go through me (and me).

[DarthBrendo]

I missed this the first time around, but nicely done. I don't think I've ever read anything that's been written from the point of view of an insane person.

[Chosen One Ephant Mon]

Thanks for the read, Brendo. It's been fun to write and certainly off the beaten track.

 

It's funny how writing works: I stumbled on my notes for this project the other day, not having thought much about it in months (when I had ideas going forward but got stuck), and then cranked out a new installment in an afternoon. Interesting what coming to something with fresh eyes can do. I'll probably do one more installment of this to wrap it up as a short trilogy of parts. Unless I get inspired again—who know.

[DarthBrendo]

*bump*

 

How are you going with this (or any other writing) COEM? Haven't seen you around for a while.