The Storm (Non SW) (complete)

[JediKaren]

A sharp cry can be heard as the dark bird flies over. Black, a deep and meaningful black, are of the colors of death's prey. Flying slowly, singing its sad song, the air fills with its words. Death is upon the land. Silent falls and the land is still, for the tension has grown. Dark clouds roll from the corners of the world. Thunder, loud and low, rumbles the land's sobs. Drop by drop, the sky cries out in pain, weeping in sorrow. Powerful and overwhelming, the land shakes, the trees sway and the leaves fall. The animals scamper, with the deer running and the rabbits hiding. Little ones huddle under the safety of their watchful mothers. The rain now pours endlessly. The sky a near black hue. Lighting strikes , barely missing the trees and a fire is avoid. Time goes on, the night passes. The rain calms and is halted to a stop. The land is wet, too wet for all to bear. The land mourns its loses. So time goes on and the ground dries. The damage is healed and the animals shake no more. The grass greens and the trees bloom again. A lone bird ventures out and sings once more.

[Amidala Skywalker]

You had a couple of typos in this one--"silent" versus "silence" and things like that. I don't think this one flowed as well as your other ones, but I did really like the imagery you used to tell this one.

 

Your best line in this one was "Drop by drop, the sky cries out in pain, weeping in sorrow."

 

I think this one also felt a little rushed, especially at the end. The rain stopped quickly, and then you only had three or so sentences before the long process of healing was over. I think you could have pulled it out a bit longer---but that's mostly be being nitpicky.

 

Nice stuff.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

A lot happened in those two hundred and five words. Or did it? I don't know. I'm not going to give critique, but merely my impression of what I gathered from this piece. A dark bird flew overhead, causing a storm, but then the storm stops and everything is fine, but nothing conclusive can be known about the bird, but at the end”¦ there's another bird.

 

Okaaaaaay”¦

[Dartha Athanth]

I guess it's something about cycles, LAP. Just look at what you typed..

 

I agree with ami, for this kind of thing you have to agonize over the descriptions a lot - show, don't just tell that black is deep and meaningful, maybe something like "Black, so deep as the vacuum of space yet bearing the wisdom of the pupil of a wise man's eye" (yeah, cliche) but something along that structure..

 

Good job, though!

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I guess it's something about cycles, LAP. Just look at what you typed..

 

Good job, though!

 

I'm well aware of what I typed, Priscilla.

 

But does one bird's appearance, of an unexplained and potentially a different nature, constitute a full turn in a cycle, with another bird that was given extensive description? If it's a "good" and well-written cycle, I think more of a balance between the birds is necessary, not to mention just way more content in general.

[Amidala Skywalker]

I don't know, Ben. If it was a good deal longer, I think it would lose some of it's mysteriousness, and the whole style of the peice would change. I'd like a few more sentences at the end, but anything else would ruin that ethereal feeling, in my mind.

 

At first I saw no symbolism with the birds--I just thought they were there to paint the scene. I took the entire thing on face value. If you are thinking there is symbolism there, then I think the bird at the end was enough, since it contrasted a death-bird and a hope-bird.

 

Hmm...I wonder what exactly this bird symbolises, if there is symbolism there...And I suppose even if no symbolism was meant, we can come up with something, since that's what people all around the country do in English classes with the classics.

[JediKaren]

There was really no meaning in it, except for the warning that a storm is come, a storm is there, and the storm has left. It really was just suppose to be a little scene of nature.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Oooh...all the more reason to search for symbolism--because it wasn't really meant to have it!!

 

[JediKaren]

oh god....I'm surrounded by english majors. Not good.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Well, I don't think fleshing it out a bit more for the sake of adding intended symbolism would necessarily be a bad thing. That's not a knock against what is there already. A nice contrast among the two birds that opened and closed the piece would be cool ”“ in my humble opinion. I would argue that birds are a wonderful conduit for symbolism, given the seemingly endless list of birds that carry boatloads of meaning, such as ravens, vultures, dodos, doves, owls, and so on.

 

I'll be the first to admit that my writing is usually pretty straightforward and to the point, and I'm not too keen on dropping meaning and allegories and all that jazz, but I don't think it's a bad thing for others. I have to say that I was somewhat confused as to the point of this piece, so maybe I was reading into it too much.

 

Also, I am not an English major! I was one course away from the minor, but I never made the plunge.