OMG I WON THIRD PRIZE IN A NATIONAL PLAYWRITING COMPETITION

[Dartha Athanth]

FOR MY FIRST-EVER PLAY.

 

IT'S CALLED THE 24-Hour writing competition, it's quite a big deal back home - like all the national poets and literature teachers in the top schools take part.

 

The 5 things that we were supposed to include (in order):

 

"I don't know, it has always been like this." - begin with this

 

"Beijing"

 

For the 3rd, we were given a tissue they sprayed something on..

 

4 - we were taken on a walk down the area (it's called Joo Chiat) Most of the time we were in the room churning out the play.

 

5- 'Taxi/Cab' (Whichever)

 

 

 

Skype me or search Singlish on youtube if you want to find out how the lingua franca sounds like!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE TAMING OF THE SHOE

 

Performance notes: MAN 1 has a deep Singaporean accent. WOMAN 1 is to take on an educated tone. MAN 1-3 and WOMAN 1-3 may be the same respective persons.

(Single spotlight on WOMAN 1, who seems to be muttering to herself, seemingly engaged at some form of workstation. The muttering grows along with the intensity and size of the spotlight, till the stage is fully lit. NARRATOR, female, is revealed to be already sitting at the left side of the stage, watching the proceedings with interest.)

WOMAN 1: (ranting to no one in particular while bustling around on an unseen stove area.) I don't know, it has always been like this. Don't ask me what I'm doing here. I was Miss Chinatown twenty years ago, let me tell you that. (Glares at audience while cracking eggs.) It's all His fault. He, who wanted to continue his father's stall, His so-called ”˜family tradition'. Isn't that out lot in life? (More snappish.) To be ordered around by men, most of which are too lazy to even do their own (extremely sarcastically, with a change to a sing-song tone: ) ”˜heartfelt wishes'. Or spare a thought for our feelings! Ordering us around is the only thing that they seem to be able to do.

(MAN 1, a ”˜Beng' to his fingertips, he walks with a swagger, picking his nose along the way.)

 

MAN 1: Eh, one plate of Char Kway Teow. Three dollar one horh.

WOMAN 1: (wryly and cynically, with a cocked eyebrow.) See, that's another male order for you.

 

(Sounds of splattering oil, and of wok and metal spatula colliding as WOMAN 1 fries char kway teow furiously, with a hint of frustration in her strokes.)

 

WOMAN 1: (sighing, with similar cynicism, as she scoops the ”˜char kway teow' into a plate.) Another order fulfilled for another man. (Places plate in front of MAN, collects money, and turns to go away.)

 

MAN 1: (after ”˜eating' one bite) Eh, auntie, it's not spicy at all! I'm not some girly sissy that can't take chilli, okay? I'm a strong man, man!

 

WOMAN 1: Men. (Shakes head) All of them need some assurance of their masculinity. (Sulkily takes back plate, fries up a new batch, and hands him a new plate, differentiated by colour, after some more frying actions)

MAN 1: (Takes a bite of the new plate) Wah the chilli shiok shiok ah. Only true men can take it, kay! (Realizes something and peers at the plate) Eh, where all the Hum1 (hokkien for cockles) go to?

WOMAN 1: With that kind of attitude towards women, you'd better make sure no (slight pause) HARM (emphasized) comes to you.

(Note: HARM and Hum1 are similar in pronunciation)

 

MAN 1: Huh? I like HUM1 leh. Dun worry, I not sissy, I not scared of Hepa-tee-tis A one! (Finishes off with a one-handed thump to his chest, as if daring an enemy in a gang fight, as WOMAN 1's jaw drops. Freeze.)

(End scene, lights dim. MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 exit. Spotlight on NARRATOR. Sound of crowd clapping thunderously.)

 

SCENE 1

(NARRATOR, female, holds a sheaf of papers in her hand. A power suit is preffered. She is a rather militant feminist.)

 

NARRATOR: A very good evening/morning/afternoon (use whichever is appropriate) to all! Welcome to today's discussion about females, and males. This discussion will enlighten us all to the deficiencies (said with much relish) of the male sex and to the plight of the female, languishing for millennia under the rather hygienically questionable male thumb. It has always been like this, but today/tonight (use which ever is appropriate) it will change! (looks disappointed when no positive affirmation comes from the PA system)

 

(Recovers and waves the sheaf at the general direction where the previous scene took place.) Anyway, the scene you have just witnessed is what I sometimes imagine my future life to be. According to my mum, I have to obey my future husband and give him enough kids for a football team, and of course it's preferable if all of them are male. (Mimes gagging.) Which idiot would want that, I ask you?

 

(Stands up, and waves the sheaf more threateningly at the audience.)

Females are always the ones discriminated against. We are being UNFAIRLY treated. Think I'm just another feminist out to dominate all males? Well, I have to do something about the current situation, which is prevalent worldwide! Just take a look at this. (Returns to seat)

(The roar of a crowd can be heard as NEWSREADER enters on a swivel chair, perhaps being pushed by a stage hand to give a ”˜zoom-in' effect.)

 

(Disclaimer: The statistics below have allowed the author to pass her ”˜A' level geography.)

 

NEWSREADER: (In a Beijing accent, starting with a big smile. ”˜Beijing' is pronounced the American way.) Welcome to CCTV's coverage of the Beijing Olympics! Our Chinese athletes have done the Motherland proud once again. Even in the sport of soccer, Zu2 qiu2! (Chinese for soccer, with a thicker Beijing accent) (MAN 2 and WOMAN 2 start to enter from the wings, waving to the ”˜crowd'.) Though it originates from imperialist Britain, our compatriots have triumphed in it, bringing glory and honour to the Chinese People of the Central country! Our men fought hard against ”¦ (pregnant pause, then falsely cheerful in announcing: ) the Singapore Team! To reach the second round! Oh, and our women team has won the Gold medal. (More cheers from the ”˜crowd', as they reach the centre of the stage, next to NEWSREADER. MAN 2 waves more frantically, eliciting cheers, (from the audience, if possible) while WOMAN 2 slinks off more towards the side and waves at her few supporters.)

 

NEWSREADER: Thank you for watching CCTV Live, direct from Beijing! (exits by being pulled backwards by stagehand, to give a zoom-out effect.)

MAN 2: (looks happily disbelieving, talks to main audience) Wow! That was a better reception than I expected! I bet foreign scouts are watching, and I'll soon be called to play for Man U ”“

(Note: Narrator cannot be heard by MAN 2 and WOMAN 2)

 

NARRATOR: (interjecting) ”“ One of the most chauvinistically named clubs ”“

 

MAN 2: Or Chelsea!

NARRATOR: (commenting thoughtfully) A girl's name. I'll let you off (emphasized) this time.

 

WOMAN 2: (looks sadly disbelieving, talks towards the side audiences. Has a slight martyr complex.) A Gold medal! Perhaps Coach will give me some money to buy sunscreen this time.

 

MAN 2: I only earn some hundreds of thousands of yuan a month, maybe they'll give my whole team a bonus this time!

 

(WOMAN 2 snaps her head to look in MAN 2's direction.)

WOMAN 2: (acidly) Did you just say hundreds of thousands of yuan?

MAN 2: (indignantly) Yes! It's really little! Cristiano Ronaldo earns more than Hu Jintao, George Bush, and Lee Hsien Loong combined ”“

 

WOMAN 2: (cuts in) I earn less than US$200 per month.

 

MAN 2: Really?! Perhaps it's because you women are bad at math. Are you sure it's not $200,000 or something?

 

WOMAN 2: (even more acidly) How would you like your balls kicked?

MAN 2: I like taking those long goalkeeper-like shots ”“ (sees WOMAN 2 about to rush up to him, and finally gets it) ”“ No no! Don't want them kicked at all.

 

WOMAN 2: (stops her actions, scowling) And even in Britain, the supposed cradle of soccer, the women got only ₤40 a day to compete in the World Cup. And they had full time jobs to attend to as well as training!

MAN 2: Well, it might be because us men have the duty to carry on our family line. Call it a sort of insurance if you will, in case accidents happen on the field”¦

 

WOMAN 2: (To audience) How about compensation for females? For the hundreds of thousands of baby girls who are aborted or abandoned each year? Just so that each family can have their ”˜Little Emperor'? (snide look at MAN 2. strides forward to talk to audience more intimately.) Let me enlighten you to the statistics. On the average, here in China, there are 120 boys for every 100 girls. That means 20 out of 120 Chinese men will not find a Chinese wife. Your (points accusing finger at audience) gender selection is your downfall!

MAN 2: Well”¦

WOMAN 2: (turns back to MAN 2) This is not just an outdated notion! This happens even in seemingly ”˜cosmopolitan' areas such as Beijing and Shanghai! It's worse in rural areas ”“100 girls per 135 boys in Hainan! Don't you see it? This will lead to an imbalanced society, as well as a weaker nation”¦

 

MAN 2: ( interrupts cheerily) Well, just thank God that it's not India, with 100 girls for 156 boys!

 

(WOMAN 2 chases MAN 2 off the stage, trying to kick him in the”¦ you-know-where.)

NARRATOR: The men really don't get it, do they? (gets up from chair, and walks to centre stage, upfront.) (To audience: ) I hope all of you in the hall today did. Well, maybe some of you might be thinking, ”œAll's fair in love and war.”

[Tiana Calthye]

Wow, congrats! That's awesome!

 

I don't get what the third thing was, though...

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Congratulations! That's really cool that you won! I enjoyed the play, too; a nice little satire.

[Dartha Athanth]

It was the mosquito repellent. My friend thought it was antiseptic. Haha!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Wow, that's excellent Darsha! I'm so happy for you! I really enjoyed that skit and would like to see it performed sometime.

 

I wish I could write plays. I've tried, and they just don't turn out. So I really admire you even more now.

[JediKaren]

well done!

[Dartha Athanth]

Thanks guys!

 

(btw Karen did you get my pm?)