Weeping Obi-Wan (complete)

[Jen the Mudkip]

Weeping Obi-Wan

 

By Jen Kenobi

 

 

One day, in a galaxy far, far away, one traveler came upon a great mansion greater then any other manors in the galaxy. It was large and beautiful. Somehow it seemed almost gloom, something that seemed almost sad. But the traveler couldn't see any other houses in the view so he decided to look at the wonderful mansion. His name was Yoda (A wise old Jedi Master) He stopped by the door and knocked with his precious cane.

”œIn here anyone?”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Wow....

 

Okay, first off...I'm so lost. Work on spacing and continuity---posting a story has to be even better than posting on the board regularly around here.

 

I think I understood what it was about, and overall I liked it I guess...but it was sooooo far from being continuitous and completely AU...the characters didn't act like themselves, and of course everything was mixed up.

 

Actually, you know something? I think this story would be better if it wasn't trying to be a Star Wars story. If you put it in our world, I think it would work better, and keep people from being confused with the characters.

 

Also, watch extrenuous information and horrible quotes. For examples, the info that the servant's name was Mace was not necessary to the story, and the "I was but the learner, now I am the Master" part just made me groan.

 

Overall, I think the idea has a lot of merit, but I'd make some significant changes if I had been writing it. But I'm glad to see you taking a stab at writing!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I am curious: Is this possibly a SW crossover with Wuthering Heights? Because that's what it feels like! There's a huge plot similarity.

 

I have a couple concerns.

 

1) Spacing. This was really hard to read because the text was all bunched together. I ended up just skim-reading it because I was so intimidated by the ton of text.

 

2) It feels really, really rushed. I'm not saying you should write it as long as the actual book, but it could be a lot beter if it went a lot slower. Take some time for more description, work on setting a mood, and SLOW DOWN THE DIALOGUE AND STORY! Honestly, I wanted to give you a speeding ticket for the way you ruched through that history.

 

And Amidala Skywalker is right about that quote. It just didn't quite fit there.

 

I have to say, though, it's a really interesting idea. It never would have crossed my mind to do a crossover of those two, if that is indeed what you're doing. I haven't written any crossovers myself, but I've never even seen this combo before.

 

I think it has potential, despite the fact that people are forced to be out of character. If I were to do this, I would probably have put more similar characters in the roles, just to make it easier. But putting a little more time into this could make it quite good!

[DarthBrendo]

I think with some proof reading this story has potential. I quite enjoyed what I could work out/