Reflected Legacy (PG)

[Obi-quiet]

First, I would like to thank my new beta reader Raynuk Montar and my friends Legalien an Daricio for letting me bounce ideas off of them! You guys Rock!

 

Title: Reflected Legacy

Rating: PG

Rated for: For some violence and adult themes

Critique level: [CRITIQUE ENCOURAGED]

 

Summary: Leia's dreams lead her and Han back to Tattooine, and force her to confront her heritage in the most unlikely way possible: By reliving it. (Time Travel)

 

PROLOGUE

 

32 ABY

 

He hated this planet. Even though he'd grown up here, he felt absolutely no love for Tattooine, despite the fact that he'd returned to the forsaken wasteland on several occasions, mostly to look over whatever Ben Kenobi had left for him to rebuild the Jedi Order.

 

And what a success that had been.

 

”œDad? You there?”

Edited April 26, 2011 by Guest

[Amidala Skywalker]

 

 

 

 

OMG, you are the new queen of cliffhangers! That was a fantastic cliffie!

 

Well, I am absolutely loving this. You have all the characters down perfectly, which is quite a feat. I usually steer away from the movie characters because there is so much pressure to get them right, but you've done that. Luke and Ben's interactions were spot on, and you captured Leia and Han's banter and back-and-forths perfectly.

 

I really, honestly felt like I was reading a published SW novel, and indeed, this is already better than some of the ones I've read. I am really excited about this, and can't wait to see where you take it! What a great premise, too. Absolutely fascinating. Ah, I love SW fiction.

 

I did notice a few punctuation things here and there. Obi-Wan's name has two capitals and Tatooine has only one 't' in the middle. There were a few cases where I felt a comma was needed. But other than those little things, I didn't notice anything big.

 

I loved this first chapter and am really excited for more!

[Obi-quiet]

*scratches head* Yeah, I tend to like cliffhangers. ^^; Except to read. Then I hate them.

 

Well, people have told me that Obi-Wan is double capitalized, but I like it better without, so I'm writing it like that. And no matter how I spell the name of Luke's home planet, I get grief about it. ^^; I may go back and change that later though.

 

Thank you so much, hon! *hug*

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Wow!!! This is fantastic!! I am itching for more!

 

Your characterization is spot on - you've done an amazing job of capturing the spunk and humor which Leia and Han have once more found after so much time and pain along the way (oh - and Luke as well, although obviously a much smaller cameo thus far!).

 

The story is easy to read - there is a perfect mix of description, dialogue, and action to keep me seeing it clearly in my mind and stay fully intrigued. As Ami said, I could easily see this as a published fic! You did a great job of capturing Tatooine, and this mystery which Obi-Wan left behind and the time-travel (which we assume, given your summary ) is believably done. I would find it shocking if the Jedi Order actually did ever time travel - meddling with time seems outside of what they would allow, however, if someone discovered this and it was felt like the Force was almost requiring it to happen, this is exactly how I would picture it!

 

As Ami said, there are a few small things - missing a word or an extra quotation mark, etc. I think you would catch them all with a single read through if you look at it with fresh eyes. The only other thing I noticed was the use of capitalization of the Force. I think I've always read it as "the Force" - with "the" not capitalized, but "Force" always capitalized, whether saying "the Force", "Force visions," or anything else, since you are always referring to a specific force. I could be wrong, though, my most recent SW book re-reads were the X-wing book, and it isn't referred to very much there!

 

I can't wait to see what you do with this!

[Obi-quiet]

Funny, I'm reading the X-wing series now. Poor Corran.

 

Well, that was a raving review. I wasn't expecting that kind of positive feedback. I did work rather hard on making this at least somewhat plausible, so I'm glad it worked!

 

I fixed a few problems, and will reread it in the future sometime so as I can get those grammatical errors. Thank you so much, Gimpster! :hug:

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Great minds think alike! I've always enjoyed the X-wing series, although I usually get a little lost in the descriptions of dogfights. I guess I don't have the spatial reasoning to follow the descriptions. Knowing that you've read them, I may hit you up to review any space battles I get to on my Better Left Unspoken re-write!

 

Give credit where credit is due. This story has a fantastic start, and I'm psyched to see more of it.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Ooh, you're planning on continuing with Better Left Unspoken?!? Woo hoo! You'd better post it on here, missy, or I shall be very put out.

 

Oh, and I love Corran. He rocks. Yay for the X-Wing books!

 

Back on topic...had any time to write more, Obi-Q?

[Raynuk Montar]

Ooh, you're planning on continuing with Better Left Unspoken?!? Woo hoo! You'd better post it on here, missy, or I shall be very put out.

 

Oh, and I love Corran. He rocks. Yay for the X-Wing books!

 

Back on topic...had any time to write more, Obi-Q?

 

Yes she has, its currently sitting in my inbox for me to beta read it for her

 

And oddly enough, just last week I found all 9 books of the Xwing series and had the urge to re-read them.

[Obi-quiet]

LOL What Raynuk said. Actually, I have chapter 3 and 4 written as well (well, finishing up chapter 4). Should be working on Ch 5 soon. Driving Raynuk nuts with all the parenthesis I us. ^^;

 

Knowing that you've read them, I may hit you up to review any space battles I get to on my Better Left Unspoken re-write!

 

Hon, I just barely started the first book. ^^; Give me a little while, but if you'd like to send something to me, you're more than welcome to. I'm somewhat decent at spacial awareness (although, no promises ^^; ).

[Raynuk Montar]

LOL What Raynuk said. Actually, I have chapter 3 and 4 written as well (well, finishing up chapter 4). Should be working on Ch 5 soon. Driving Raynuk nuts with all the parenthesis I us. ^^;

 

 

*Cries for his future*

[Obi-quiet]

[jedi_master_gimpy]

No worries! I'm waaaaay back in the brainstorming stage still for my rewrite, and even once I get back to the actual writing I think it will be some time before I hit any space battles. I did have one written up in the original, though, and I never was happy with it! Since Ami's read them too, maybe once I get to them I'll send it out to both of you... get 2x the beta!

 

Does Raynuk feel the pressure enough, or do I need to vacuum-seal the thread and start pumping more air in?

[Obi-quiet]

Eh, I'm figuring once a week or so is a good idea, so we still have a few days. I don't want to burn him out. He's a pretty dang good beta reader.

 

Looking for a beta reader for my other story though. Maybe I'll advertise.

[Obi-quiet]

Thanks again to Raynuk Montar for putting up with me, my parenthesis and my horrific spelling. ^^; He says he's never beta read before. Either he's lying, or a natural!

 

Chapter 2

 

UNKNOWN

 

Even in the dark it hurt. Her soul felt as if it had been torn to shreds, sewn up again, and shoved through a blender. She felt disconnected from herself, but it still hurt.

 

Not knowing what else to do, Leia reached for the Force, only just touching it, and felt the reassurance it gave to her. The pain increased with that reassuring touch, and she flinched back from it. It seemed she'd have to allow her soul to heal without the help of the Force.

 

Trying not to dwell on the pain, she focused more on just relaxing while not moving, and not thinking. It didn't help a lot, but she'd take what she could get at this point.

 

xXx

 

Anakin Skywalker sat bolt upright in his bed, immediately searching the surrounding room for familiar reassurances. It always took him a moment to calm down from a nightmare.

 

But had it been a nightmare? He didn't feel his heart racing as quickly as it normally did. He also didn't feel any lingering sense of fear or loss that he'd come to associate with his darker dreams. He'd definitely felt something...but what? It seemed so...different, but calming in a way.

 

He hated feeling puzzled, and hated confusion even more.

 

With a groan, he flopped back onto his pillow and pulled the covers over his head in an attempt to ignore whatever had awoken him. He needed his sleep after all. He'd think on this tomorrow. After all, he was going to meet Padme again. He would arrange it somehow. The fact that she'd come to Courscant...he'd find a way to see his old friend. If he did manage to do so, he couldn't show up tired and looking like an idiot.

 

If he'd been a little more aware he might have noticed that in the next room over, Obi-wan Kenobi had awoken at almost the exact moment. Instead of trying to head back to sleep, he now sat, cross-legged on his bed and began to meditate on the disturbance he'd just felt.

 

xXx

 

Darth Tyrannus knelt before the holographic form of his master, head bowed in submission.

 

”œWhy have you contacted me.”

Edited May 5, 2011 by Guest

[Amidala Skywalker]

Augh...this is sooo good! You have all the characters captured so well. I love the interaction between movie scenes and the new AU scenes you are inserting. A mixture of familiar and new, and they flow seamlessly because of your spot-on characterization. I really have nothing to critique.

 

All I can say is "I WANT MORE!!!"

[Raynuk Montar]

I really have nothing to critique.

 

All I can say is "I WANT MORE!!!"

 

Good, that means I did my job better this time.

 

And I will attempt to get through chapter 3 faster than I did chapter 2 so you crazies arent waiting around so much.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Bravo! Excellent job on following up an amazing first chapter with an equally amazing second chapter! First off - while Chapter 2 started off with many smaller scenes which might have been very confusing if used regularly or consisting of new characters, in this case it worked quite well for a number of reasons: we already know the characters and story we should be fitting into, it helped establish precisely where in that timeline we've been dropped (i.e right near the beginning of AotC), and did it all in such as way as to gently remind us of where we would then find each of our major players. The disturbance in the Force is also clearly highlighted, and we know that this is going to have a major impact to the storyline!

 

Your characterizations were fantastic. As Ami commented, you seamlessly wove old and new together, hitting scenes and even specific quotes directly from the movie, but also expanding and adding details, words, or scenes that keep it fresh, expand with the new plotline being added, and add great depth to the characters while keeping true to their personalities. I loved seeing that mix - particularly as in the Anakin-Padme scenes, or where we now have Cliegg's opinion of Shmi's disappearance. Excellent job!

 

I noticed a couple repeated capitalization things to look for. Like I mentioned earlier, "the Force" (I'm guessing you're still figuring out if you want to do that or not ), and similarly several instances of "master" and "council" should also be capitalized as you are referring to a specific person/group by a formal title rather as a general description.

 

Your paragraph where Anakin flops back down onto his pillow and goes back to sleep seems a little choppy with all of those short sentences. However, I thought you might have done that purposefully to follow Anakin's muddled train of thought as he falls back to sleep...? In that case it works. I loved how you shifted to a brief mention of Obi-Wan in the other room, it is a great contrast of their personalities and focus without doing an explicit analysis.

 

Turning them on, she didn't even wait for the electric whir that would state they were fully functional before she'd rushed back up the stairs.

You have a sudden change in tense there - change "she'd" to "she".

She found herself surprised that she already believed that. ”œThat's not what I meant, Anakin. What's wrong? I don't remember you ever being distracted.

Need a closing quote.

Immediately his posture changed. He looked guarded, on edge and worried. ”œI've been having nightmares, lately. Scary nightmares...I worry for her.”

[Obi-quiet]

Immediately his posture changed. He looked guarded, on edge and worried. ”œI've been having nightmares, lately. Scary nightmares...I worry for her.”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Whoa, he actually said 'scary' in the original script? Wow...I'm glad they cut that line! It is a bit out of character. I like your use of 'vivid' much better.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Raynuk is doing an excellent job!

 

All the capitalization looks good now and... *facepalm* Like Ami, I cannot believe that was in the original script! Yuck! Excellent change to match the vivid instead...that is much better.

 

Anywho - I would say that characterization is one of the toughest part - and you are doing an incredible job there! Plus, having a super interesting storyline doesn't hurt!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Brian! Get the next part back to Obi-Q so that we can read it! And Obi, if you haven't gotten it to him yet...well, you should.

 

Yeah, I wants more.

[Obi-quiet]

I've gotten it to him, I just don't want to nag, you know? ^^;

[jedi_master_gimpy]

I'm thinking the time may have come to nag....

 

Just sayin', you know?

[Obi-quiet]

I've sent a post...twice. ^^;

 

I really like how he beta reads, but I fear I may be too demanding. *sigh*