Travis' Novel, Ch 2 pt 2 Up

[Travis]

Title: (Unnamed for the moment)

Rating: M-15

Rated for: Violence, mild sexuality, mild language, torture, mature (non-sexual) themes

Critique level: Critique Encouraged

 

For years now, I have been hoping to write a sci-fi epic of my own. I have tons upon tons of plans and ideas, but am just now trying to put them on paper and organize them. I know it is going to need a lot of polishing and work, but for now, here is the general premise.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Guest

[Travis]

Well, despite the lack of interest, I am going to ask. I have the first two chapters (20 pages/11,700 words) done, at least for the first draft. I have sent them off to three friends that I have conned---- er persuaded to serve as test readers. However, only one of the three is even remotely interested or versed in sci-fi, so I would like some of the people here to help me out as test readers since most of us here love sci-fi. I am not going to force you to respond, but if you ask, I will send you the chapters either via PM (you will lose formatting) or by e-mail, if you give me yours. You can choose to read them and respond with criticisms, complements, questions, or suggestions as you please.

[Sasori]

Travis, you know my email, just send it.

[Jidai Geki]

I've just read through your prologue, as well as your thoughts regarding the 'supernaturals', and I have to say that it sounds a tad derivative- you seem to be defining your story by its similarities and differences to Star Wars, rather than as a story in its own right. I'd like to ask- what's your hook here? What makes people want to read your story, as opposed to a SW or any other sci-fi novel? At the moment, if I'm being honest, it sounds quite generic and similar to a lot of other stuff out there. What themes will it have?

[Tiana Calthye]

I suggest you take a look at how other stories are posted. I didn't even realize there was a story here when I'd first checked this thread, just some blather about what your story was going to be about and I figured a chapter would come eventually.

 

Really. Show us, don't tell us. What you've got for your first post is just a lot of information that we're really not keen on... we want to see the story. Post it up here and we'll read it, but post story instead of just explaining your setting. If your story's well written, this stuff will explain itself in the story and that's good enough for me.

 

Same deal with the prologue. Look at the text scrolls of Star Wars. They're quite short. You just have a lot of information here that's just detracting from getting to the story. Show us this in the story. That's my critique. Post some actual story now, all right? I'll be here to read it when you do, and here to critique if that's what you want.

 

I'm an awful beta reader though. Just post it here and I'll critique.

[Travis]

Jidai, you have a good point.

EDIT: Tiana, I will answer your post at the end.

 

There are several differences between what I am hoping to utilize versus Jedi, but I acknowledge they are similar. Then again, many franchises both before and after SW have beings with "Jedi like" powers. I will say that the phasium users in my novel have no connection to a supernatural guidance, nor do they even attempt to seek the "will of the phase" or anything of that sort. In fact, the phase is simply an alternate reality and all FTL travel is connected to it (basically, skirting the edge of it similar to hyperspace or transwarp or thirdspace). The only time any have any true connection to the overarching phase is when Nymeans die, they use the phasium in their veins to navigate their essence to another location and prevent themselves from dying. There are also abilities that are not present, namely most of the sense abilities and a handful of others.

 

As for my hook, I plan on this being an extremely political series as well as one that bounces around many deep (and some not so deep) philosophical questions (and not necessarily from a religious standpoint, either). I will have a combination of the serial epic battle of good vs evil as well as "side quests" or more episodic adventures and stops along the way. There will be a massively complex web of alliances, betrayals, and feuds both on a personal level between characters and on a national scale.

 

I will not lie, as with most sci-fi, there will be similar themes of big battles, advanced tech, and guys with special powers. My hope is to present all of those both on a scale that few think to embrace (galaxies as opposed to a single galaxy and with numbers more realistic in relation to what we see in real life) and to do so in as "realistic" and logical a manner as possible. My hope is to keep this series as "normal" as possible, meaning I won't have the main character as a super special heir to the universe or have tons of special powers or militaries or whatnot in the story. I won't have the main characters discover some super secret relic from the past that makes them special and powerful. And, more importantly, I refuse to have some super powerful but long extinct ancient race that has more powerful tech than anyone else (I personally hate that and think it is heavily overused).

 

I also plan on going very much in detail compared to what most people do. While I know I will never ever compare to him, my aim is to be somewhat like Tolkien in how detailed he was in various background info, indexes, timelines, character/empire/location development, and things of a similar nature. I plan on having around 40 or more pages of resource material per book, and maybe even more. The level of detail I have already gotten for things as simple as ship classes and the info on technology I have developed will be different than the norm. I mention tons of different technologies and try to have a basic explanation in the story, but I will also have detailed comparisons in the index.

 

Tiana, the thing is that I don't want to post the entire story (or even parts of it) on an open forum like this. I seriously intend on seeking publication some time after I get my masters. To put too much on a forum just begs issues.

 

I could create a simple prologue, something like what would go on the back of the book, but that is not the purpose of what was put up. I have seen some novels that had pages as a prologue chapter, that is what I am trying to get going.

[Jidai Geki]

The things is, this forum is for open critique of stories/novels and such, and it's not a death knell if you put it on here. Both Robbie and I have posted stuff on here that we intend on one day having published- if you delete it when it's done, it's not that big a deal.

 

I'm with Tiana on this, it's better to let the reader figure this stuff as you go, as explaining the powers and abilities of your universe's "Jedi" equivalent outside of the story makes it all a little prosaic. If this stuff is explained in the context of the story, it will make it much more interesting.

[Travis]

Very well, I only explained more of what was up with the acolytes because you mentioned they were very much like Jedi. I also didn't post a huge chunk of text since the last time I tried that, I was told to do it in small pieces because nobody wanted to read a bunch at once.

 

Here is chapter one, if you were interested. Unfortunately, it is a text only translation, not including italics or anything. If you really want, I can go back and space between the different paragraphs. Oh, I did make a few minor changes to the prologue, nothing major, just switched a few dates around.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

Please do double space it. And don't post it in quote tags, it's so tiny and hard to read.

 

Tiana, the thing is that I don't want to post the entire story (or even parts of it) on an open forum like this. I seriously intend on seeking publication some time after I get my masters. To put too much on a forum just begs issues.

No, actually, it doesn't. From the mouths of a literary agent...

 

http://misssnark.blogspot.com/2005/09/how-much-can-you-publish-before-youre.html

http://misssnark.blogspot.com/2006/04/novels-on-web.html

 

You're good. Though if you're really apprehensive then I understand, but you're more likely to get open critique if you post it up here.

 

I could create a simple prologue, something like what would go on the back of the book, but that is not the purpose of what was put up. I have seen some novels that had pages as a prologue chapter, that is what I am trying to get going.

Read a few prologues, then, and tell me how many of them consist only of pages of backstory.

 

Many new writers want to be Tolkien, and that is almost always my biggest critique with newer writers. Don't. Try. To. Be. Tolkien. You are not Tolkien, do not try to be Tolkien, you cannot be Tolkien. He's dead. Find your own voice instead. Be Travis. NO AGENT wants to sell someone's pages of backstory and history and world building. They want to sell gripping, interesting stories.

 

I plan on having around 40 or more pages of resource material per book, and maybe even more.

I'm going to be mean here, but no one cares about it except you. Those resource materials belong in your personal notes, not for us, the reader, to pursue.

 

I'm being mean because you said you're seriously going to seek publication. I approach writing for publication very seriously. I've spent days and days of research and reading--enough to know what I'm talking about. I've read through most of Miss Snark's blog, and several other literary agent blogs besides. Several query sites. Several writing sites. Consider making a homebrew RPG system instead if what you're really interested in is developing the setting and how the ships work and everything. If what you're trying to sell is a setting and a world, then you're not telling a story, you're selling a setting and a world.

 

 

Anyway, I gave your post a read. Much better than the first post, much more involving. Your descriptions are nice and build visuals well. The biggest problem I had with it was a feeling of distance from the characters--something I've frequently found in stories trying to take a Tolkienesque voice, and indeed, something I experience in Tolkien's writing as well. I feel distant from them, unable to really feel and see through their eyes.

 

It's wonderfully visual and descriptive, but where the descriptions build up the characters fall flat.

 

I think you've done a lot of work on the setting and the world building. It comes through well. The character building, not so much. I didn't get any feel of personality or anything from the situation.

 

Another thing.

 

He was about to issue the retreat orders when a new voice cut in, “Lord Itollyn, hold your course, that dreadnought is yours.”

Before he could even swear, massive streaks of grey and dull white flew around his viewport and resolved themselves into ships in front of him. Three destroyers, a dozen cruisers, and scores of frigates all bearing the glorious Imperial crest entered the battlefield in front of him. Immediately, the larger ships began deploying clouds of fighters like spores into the fray to join the damaged and disorganized squadrons already in the field.

 

More than one fleet had been destroyed while attempting to outmaneuver their enemy and accidentally starjumping straight into their fleet resulting in the destruction of both sides. In a battle like this with so much debris and so many ships in the region, starjumping was near insanity. Gravity traps had been deployed by both sides to prevent the foolhardy from sneaking a fleet behind enemy lines, but apparently Damerson had managed to persuade Local Command to lower the gravtraps in the region long enough for him to make his jump.

You use a lot of passive voice, holding us at arm's length from the action. Get into the action. Show the ships being deployed. Let us see the ships get destroyed. Show, don't tell.

 

There's a handful of grammarical errors scattered throughout, but overall it's well written. What it needs is some polishing to pop the characters and the action out of the descriptions.

 

But yeah, keep it up! I'd like to see more on here if you're not too afraid of posting more.

 

By the way, on the post length thing, I usually go for between 3-8 pages in Word, double-spaced in size 12 TNR. Much longer than that and it's too long for casual readers, but shorter and there's not really enough to satisfy. Your post length was decent.

 

On the double spacing thing--if you type with indents, and have Word, and don't want to manually space it out, you can use the following trick.

 

Find and replace

 

^p^t

 

with ^p^p

 

Or if your template manually adds double spaces between paragraphs by setting the paragraph size, so you only use one paragraph, just find and replace

 

^p

 

with

 

^p^p

 

for posting.

 

I'll be waiting for more.

[Travis]

I quote it so you know it is story and not commentary, but I will cease to do so and remove the quote tags on the other post.

 

Many new writers want to be Tolkien, and that is almost always my biggest critique with newer writers. Don't. Try. To. Be. Tolkien. You are not Tolkien, do not try to be Tolkien, you cannot be Tolkien. He's dead. Find your own voice instead. Be Travis. NO AGENT wants to sell someone's pages of backstory and history and world building. They want to sell gripping, interesting stories.

That is very good info. To be honest, I am one of those nerdy types that loves the backstory, but I suppose that is just me. I shall definitely keep that in mind and cut back on the indexes (at least, those for public use).

 

I'm being mean because you said you're seriously going to seek publication.

That isn't being mean, that is telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for it.

 

The biggest problem I had with it was a feeling of distance from the characters

It was actually intentional. My hope was to set up a massive scale battle (more of that in next chapter) and show how insignificant the individuals participating in it really were compared to the mass carnage around them. The next chapter begins a blend of that style and my first movements toward character development. After that, it will be far less on the large and massive and more on the personal and immediate.

 

And here I come to the point that I am really wanting advice. I have intentions for things, but I don't know how they will be received. I know I don't intend on there being character development in the first chapter, but is that a big no-no? And, I will be extremely honest in saying that good ole Locutus doesn't last past the third chapter (another reason I don't develop him greatly). The next chapter deals with his son, Thazius, and the rest of the series is actually about him and his quest (no, not to avenge his father). Come about chapter three, I will have three "main" characters, by chapter four or five, about six.

 

Is that an unwise move, to introduce a character then kill him off fairly quickly? Should I start building bridges between Locutus and Thazius in the first chapter, or keep the first chapter more focused as it is and leave it to chapter two to bring Thazius in?

You use a lot of passive voice, holding us at arm's length from the action. Get into the action. Show the ships being deployed. Let us see the ships get destroyed.

Yes, I do and I know it. Again, it is part of my attempt to almost desensitize the audience to the mass carnage much in the way that the characters have been. But, don't worry, I do get into more details in the next chapter and plan on adding more in. Still, it is something I need to be careful about and will endeavor to put more detail in.

 

The second chapter is about a third to half again as long as the first. The first was short, intentionally so, but the rest will be much longer. I may have to post small portions of the chapters. Also, that is a great idea for the spacing, I didn't think of that.

[Tiana Calthye]

I quote it so you know it is story and not commentary, but I will cease to do so and remove the quote tags on the other post.

Try

 

***

 

Or <><><>

 

Or ................

 

Or _____________

 

Or Chapter One: GIANT SPACE BATTLE BETWEEN WRAITH WORMS AND MARTIANS ARMED WITH LASER WHIPS COMMENCES

 

Or whatever spacer you like best between your commentary and the story. People will know. People are smart. Always keep that in mind while writing.

 

That is very good info. To be honest, I am one of those nerdy types that loves the backstory, but I suppose that is just me. I shall definitely keep that in mind and cut back on the indexes (at least, those for public use).

Save them for when you're a famous author and the other nerdy types like you want to read them.

 

It was actually intentional. My hope was to set up a massive scale battle (more of that in next chapter) and show how insignificant the individuals participating in it really were compared to the mass carnage around them. The next chapter begins a blend of that style and my first movements toward character development. After that, it will be far less on the large and massive and more on the personal and immediate.

Bad choice. When you're selling a story to agents, you're going to be probably sending your first three chapters or your first few pages. Your first chapter needs to be your best. Your first page needs to shine. Your first page needs to be ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, because that's what makes people read on. Your first LINE needs to drop people's jaws and make them stare and go 'holy crap, I must know what happens next!'

 

You have 5 seconds to win people's attention. Give them your best. But even more important, because you're trying to publish, you need your first three chapters to represent the story as a whole. That's what they'll see. Don't make your first chapter too different because if someone asks for more, they're expecting more of that--not something else.

 

I know I don't intend on there being character development in the first chapter, but is that a big no-no? And, I will be extremely honest in saying that good ole Locutus doesn't last past the third chapter (another reason I don't develop him greatly).

Backstory = / = character development. You don't need to do a lot to develop his character. You just need to do enough to make us feel for him. And especially since you're killing him, you want us more than ever to feel for him otherwise readers will feel like they're floating above the story and like there was no point to it.

 

Killing him's fine (though I recommend if you want to kill a character asap to lead into a story about someone seeking revenge, make it in the prologue), but you want that death to make the readers scream at the book and go 'WHY, UNIVERSE, WHY', so that they'll cheer with his son.

 

But I see that...

 

The next chapter deals with his son, Thazius, and the rest of the series is actually about him and his quest (no, not to avenge his father)

If Locutus' death doesn't reflect on the rest of the story and is not a critical plot point, then cut the chapter. If him dying does not advance the story, you do not need to show it. Start with Thazius, let Thaz tell us that his father died, and let us worry about his quest.

 

Come about chapter three, I will have three "main" characters, by chapter four or five, about six.

Careful with that. I have a webcomic with multiple major characters introduced quickly. Chapter one through three introduces the seven major characters and three villains and it is one of the most regretful things I could've done as a writer. It loses so many people because they're overwhelmed. I should've introduced them slower and given people more time to adjust. Rule of thumb: most people can't keep track of more than nine characters in total.

 

Should I start building bridges between Locutus and Thazius in the first chapter

Yes.

 

And if Locutus' death or whatever he brings to the table is not important to the whole story... be brave, cut it, and start with chapter two.

 

I may have to post small portions of the chapters. Also, that is a great idea for the spacing, I didn't think of that.

As I said. Double-spaced, size 12 fontface--no more than eight pages. Try find good scene breaks. People prefer frequent short updates to infrequent long updates. (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, LAP!)

 

Anyway, glad to be of assistance. I'm always glad to give advice.

[Travis]

Bad choice. When you're selling a story to agents, you're going to be probably sending your first three chapters or your first few pages. Your first chapter needs to be your best. Your first page needs to shine. Your first page needs to be ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, because that's what makes people read on. Your first LINE needs to drop people's jaws and make them stare and go 'holy crap, I must know what happens next!'

Hmmm, definitely good info and I will have to do some reworking to it all.

 

Backstory = / = character development. You don't need to do a lot to develop his character. You just need to do enough to make us feel for him. And especially since you're killing him, you want us more than ever to feel for him otherwise readers will feel like they're floating above the story and like there was no point to it.

I figured as much and was considering how to better work on things.

 

Killing him's fine (though I recommend if you want to kill a character asap to lead into a story about someone seeking revenge, make it in the prologue), but you want that death to make the readers scream at the book and go 'WHY, UNIVERSE, WHY', so that they'll cheer with his son.

As I mentioned, revenge is not one of the motivations for Thazius in the rest of the novel. It will be explained, I don't want to spoil it yet. Still, you are right about needing to make people care at least a little about Locutus. And yes, his death does advance the story significantly, and not the least because of the way in which he died.

 

Careful with that. I have a webcomic with multiple major characters introduced quickly. Chapter one through three introduces the seven major characters and three villains and it is one of the most regretful things I could've done as a writer. It loses so many people because they're overwhelmed. I should've introduced them slower and given people more time to adjust. Rule of thumb: most people can't keep track of more than nine characters in total.

And here I was worried that I may be bringing in main characters too slowly. I can easily expand things out and introduce fewer main characters at first.

 

Perhaps, I can cut the character of Damerson and put Thazius instead. That would require a little rewriting of Chapter two, but can be done. I could then expound a bit on chapter one and see how it heads out from there.

[Tiana Calthye]

And yes, his death does advance the story significantly, and not the least because of the way in which he died.

Good to know. If that's the case, then by all means, introduce him and kill him.

 

 

As I mentioned, revenge is not one of the motivations for Thazius in the rest of the novel.

Yeah, I caught that. (...Does his son assassinate him?) Either way, you want to manipulate the readers into feeling whatever emotion you want, and you want them to not be frustrated because the main character (or who they thought was) died but rather be eager to keep reading--be it cheering for revenge, or something else entirely.

 

And since you've made it clear it's something else entirely...

 

(Now I really want to write a sci-fi story which begins with the main character's son assassinating the apparent main character. Too bad the sci-fi story I'm working on has nothing to do with assassinations. It has its own problems. =( )

 

Perhaps, I can cut the character of Damerson and put Thazius instead. That would require a little rewriting of Chapter two, but can be done. I could then expound a bit on chapter one and see how it heads out from there.

Do what you feel best. Maybe try write a rough draft to see how it would work if you did the changes?

[Travis]

Do what you feel best. Maybe try write a rough draft to see how it would work if you did the changes?

Well, I already have a rough draft, but I can easily rework a few pages and make it fit. In fact, I rather like the idea of the son coming to save the father's backside and think I can work it well into things.

 

I will also condense the second chapter to fit in most of what I was putting into the third chapter into it that way I can move on.

 

And no, the son doesn't kill the father, he is a loyal son. Wait and see.

[Jidai Geki]

Just a quick post to say that I intend on reading and critiquing your first chapter, but it's rather long and I don't have any time over the weekend, so if you'd hold off on posting any more for a couple of days, it'd be appreciated. Stories in this forum are especially hard to get into if you have to read through two or three very long posts to catch up.

[Travis]

I will be doing some reworking, so hopefully by the time you get to reading it, I will have the revised version up instead.

 

Though, I will say that I am the opposite of you. I find that it is very hard to keep up with stories unless it is in large chunks. Otherwise, I forget what happens or lose interest.

[Jidai Geki]

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by this. Given the background story, which is frankly something that has been done a thousand times before, it's an involving read.

 

It's very well written, with only a few mistakes scattered throughout. One thing I would advise is that you italicise ship names.

 

Battle scenes are not easy things to write- they work brilliantly on the big scene where primarily visceral tone shines, but in the written word they can be ponderous and uninvolving. You did a good job of giving the reader a wonderfully descriptive battle with a huge sense of scope.

 

I enjoyed this, and I'll continue to read as long as you continue to post.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I'm happy to read and offer what thoughts and ideas I have. I'm a big fan of reciprocation though. I'll be glad to weigh in, but it's nice to see some responses on my stuff as well. But I'll check out this first part in the next few days, when I have more time to really take it in.

[Travis]

Due to the excessively long nature of this post, I micro sized it. If that is not desired, I will post it at normal size, but I figured I would save you guys the scrolling for hours. You can quote it to read it in the reply box or you can copy it to a text document.

 

Per Tiana's advice, I scrapped the introductory style of prologue and replace it with a cold start. Not sure about how it goes over, so I will need advice. The character in the prologue is Thazius, but I am not sure if I need to mention who he is or leave it a mystery.

 

As for the chapter, I changed a few pieces to it and lumped part of Chapter 2 into it so I could move what I planned for Chapter 3 into Chapter 2. I guess this is good since Ch 1 was so short, so it balances things out. By Chapter 3, I will be where I was planning on being by Ch 4.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Guest

[Sasori]

I need my microscope to read that as reading it in a bigger format as opposed to reading it in this tiny typing box as a quote seems lame. Though, I can copy and paste to word, but what are the interwebs for if ya can'ts read off it

[Travis]

I guess I will make it a massive wall of text.

[Jidai Geki]

Just finished reading this. Your battle scene is as solid and readable as ever, but I would say that you could do with working on your dialogue. It sounds rather stilted and unnatural in places. The prologue doesn't make particular sense at the minute, but I imagine that will be made clear later. And, again, I would request posting in smaller chunks, as I've been meaning to read this for days, but a long post like that requires a dedicated chunk of time set aside which I don't often have the luxury of.

[Jidai Geki]

Just finished reading this. Your battle scene is as solid and readable as ever, but I would say that you could do with working on your dialogue. It sounds rather stilted and unnatural in places. The prologue doesn't make particular sense at the minute, but I imagine that will be made clear later. And, again, I would request posting in smaller chunks, as I've been meaning to read this for days, but a long post like that requires a dedicated chunk of time set aside which I don't often have the luxury of.

[Travis]

I am working on dialogue as I know that is my weakness. I think that perhaps some of the later dialogue will be a little better because there will have been more plot development, but yea, I know that is my weakness. Unfortunately, the second chapter also revolves around a massive battle, so I don't get to explore much there. Later chapters will be more dialogue and story based, but yea, working on things. It may seem to drag out a lot, but I am viewing the big battles there as the introduction to a series of books. It may not sell well as a standalone book, but for the moment, I need to get everything in order before I do major editing and cutting down of stuff. In likelihood, I think a bunch of the first two chapters will be cut. For now, I want to develop things more so I can see what is going to be important and what can go.

 

As requested, I will start posting Chapter 2 in smaller chunks. Unfortunately, as it wasn't necessarily designed to be read in small chunks, the stopping points may not be the best, but that is what you want so that is what I will do.

 

And yes, the prologue will make sense later. I don't know if I will keep it or not (one of the reasons I wanted some people to read this), but I figured I would try out something similar to Uncharted 2 with how they start you in the middle of something then explain how they build up to that point.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Guest

[Jidai Geki]

Another deftly handled battle, but I have to say that having so much action at the beginning, with little to no characterisation, stands a chance of alienating the reader. I have no connection to these characters at the moment; more so to a man that cannot apparently die. Nevertheless, I look forward to seeing what happens next.

[Travis]

more so to a man that cannot apparently die. Nevertheless, I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Rest assured, they can die (permanently), it is just not easy. One of the things I am already doing is bringing forth key characters that aren't immortal and have those that are focus on protecting/killing them so that there is that life and death drama going on.

 

Yes, there are quite a few battles at the start, but it tapers down a little. This is an "action" novel, so there will be quite a few battles and action (not all of it fairly impersonal fleet battles) but development will be there, I just need to set up the scene. I am also going to work a little ahead and then take a look at the beginning to see about changing it after some ideas get settled in my mind. I am considering drastically shortening the battle descriptions and moving through the material a little quicker, but am not sure if I want to purge things quite yet.

 

Here is the next part, still not the end of Chapter 2, though.

Edited March 3, 2010 by Guest

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I'm really liking this. I'll post more in-depth commentary in a couple days, when I get another chance to read it again. I like to give commentary, but Ill wait until I get it a second time. I always catch more then.

 

One suggestion, though, is perhaps putting the names of ships in italics. I think it'll read better that way, despite your caveat at the beginning. It only takes a moment to do a ctrl + f search in a word document and then a quick fix will do it all in less than a minute. The first time I saw Incalculable, I was thrown for a loop.

[Travis]

All ship names are italicized in the original document, as are there tabs. Sadly, it would take a significant amount of time to find them all in the text. I may go back and do it, but I really, really hate how phpBB2 starts you back at the top of the post every time you add BBCode.

 

If you desire and are interested, I could e-mail you these sections (and a little more) in its true form as I have Sasori.

[Jidai Geki]

Sorry, it took me a while to get to this.

 

Again, solid action, but the dialogue at the end was very clunky. Too many repetitions of names in a stilted, unnatural manner. If you'll allow me the liberty of altering one of your lines of dialogue here:

With a snort of derision, Thazius retorted, ”œForget it, I am not going to sit here and get wiped out. If you don't like it, take it up with my father, Dread Lord Itollyn, is that understood Lord Hatasit?”

[Travis]

In the line you mentioned, the title "Dread Lord" is italicized to show he is emphasizing that his father outranks Hatasit. Still, I like your change more and will adapt it.

 

As for narrative, I have tried to cut down as much as possible to keep the intro short, but I am thinking I will have to throw in a lot more background. Sigh, oh the fun.