The Dragons of Bedland - A Challenge Response (Fin)

[DarthBrendo]

So I'm trying to get my mind back into writing mode so I'm going to work through the challenges that have been posted.

 

I WANT CRITIQUE...pull them apart and tell me what's wrong with them..challenge me so I can get back into writing and get more of Chronicles written and have it be as good a quality as it was before I stopped writing previously.

 

So...Challenge 1 from September 07:

 

1) Write a story featuring one or more of the Star Wars characters at a younger age than you see them in the movies/books. Whether this means a baby Luke or a teenage Qui-Gon, or even a "middle-aged" Yoda, this is up to you.

 

***

 

"Palpatine get back here and eat your vegetables!"

 

"Ma, I don't want to eat my vegetables...they're all green and, and, mushy." A sulky five year old Palptaine trudged back into the kitchen to the dinner table, his cranky mother tapping her foot on the floor with arms crossed.

 

"Ian Palpatine, you are not going to play with your toys until I see that plate clean, do you understand me?"

 

Confound that woman and her infernal meddling in my affairs. She doesn't understand that my Green Battledrdroids are poised to capture the toybox from the Dragons of Bedland. I must get back before the fight begins.

 

Sitting up at the table, Ian grasped the fork with his stubby fingers and sullenly began to eat the various vegetables on his plate. Despite his protestations at their mushiness they crunched in his mouth as he chewed. As soon as his mother turned her back, Palpatine dropped a few of his vegetables under the table where Drachma, his faithful Bayhound lay waiting. This left only a small amount of the dreaded green and white trees on his plate. Checking to make sure his mother was out of the room, Ian looked at the vegetables and imagined them rising up off his plate and moving through the air into the trash can in the corner of the kitchen.

 

A vein popped out on the side of Ian's forehead as he strained to think the contents of his plate rising and get them to the bin, letting out a rush of breath as the lid dropped closed on the bin. With a clatter, Ian dropped his knife and fork onto his dinner plate and shoved backwards in his seat. With an evil chuckle he jumped down and then rushed off to his bedroom where a most important battle was about to begin.

 

***

 

EDIT:Slight re-working of the sentences so they flowed more smoothly.

Edited February 8, 2012 by Guest

[NavyGal]

Haha! Interesting take on a young Palpy!

 

I'm not really good at critiquing much... but the way he speaks just seems a bit off kilter with how he talks...

[Jidai Geki]

Very reminiscent of Stewie from Family Guy, and fairly amusing.

 

The only critique I would make is that the sentences could be separated more- sentences like this:

 

With a clatter, Ian dropped his knife and fork onto his dinner plate and shoved backwards in his seat so he could get down and then rushed off to his bedroom where important battle was about to begin.

 

Are far too long.

[DarthBrendo]

Stewie was exactly what I was aiming for. And re-reading that sentence, it does seem way to long.

 

I'll have another look at it.

[Tiana Calthye]

Check the word count and see if I can't put it down for the under-500 word challenge too!

 

Um... critique... you have one BBC code error in there with the italics tags!

 

I'm sorry, I can't really critique, I'm too busy staring at it and going BUH?

 

Also, I thought his name was Frank.

 

I thought it flowed well, no obvious glaring errors on readthrough so I don't really have any serious critiques of this one. Um... I think I would do elipsises instead of commas for the one line of Palpy's there... "They're all green and... and... MUSHY!" I'm also not quite sure that a five year old would think that elaborate of thoughts, but I thought it was funny, though honestly it makes me think he's a clone and an adult possessing a child's body. I only think that way because I write one of those characters myself. Myself, I thought it was hilarious so I really have nothing to say. Well written, too.

[DarthBrendo]

Check the word count and see if I can't put it down for the under-500 word challenge too!

 

Its about 950 words...I checked that one when I posted it

 

Um... critique... you have one BBC code error in there with the italics tags!

 

Fixed!

 

Also, I thought his name was Frank.

Huh??

 

I thought it flowed well, no obvious glaring errors on readthrough so I don't really have any serious critiques of this one. Um... I think I would do elipsises instead of commas for the one line of Palpy's there... "They're all green and... and... MUSHY!" I'm also not quite sure that a five year old would think that elaborate of thoughts, but I thought it was funny, though honestly it makes me think he's a clone and an adult possessing a child's body. I only think that way because I write one of those characters myself. Myself, I thought it was hilarious so I really have nothing to say. Well written, too.

 

I was drawing heavily from Stewie Griffin for this characterisation if thats any help.

[Tiana Calthye]

I must be Frank (with you, your highness...)

 

I know, I know, bad joke.

[DarthBrendo]

:facepalms: