Reptilia Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 This was for a school project. Criticism is welcome. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Fortnight Later Some time ago in Chernobyl, Russia there was a man around the age of 55 and was senile. His name was Jeff. He was down on his luck and was living on the street after the stock market crashed. Jeff was in tattered clothes and pushed a grocery cart around collecting cans. He was currently living under the Ferris wheel. He mugged someone and got one-hundred dollars.With this new-found income he moved into a Motel 6. He moved into the motel after having a nice conversation with Herbert, the hotel concierge. Herbert was a very emotional young man; he was around the age of 20. Herbert warned Jeff that people that have recently stayed in the motel were scared and complained of rabid babies. Jeff was intrigued by the thought of mutated babies living in his motel room. Two weeks after Jeff moved in, there was a baby sighting. The baby had a tail and razor sharp pointed teeth. The baby also had greenish, black spots on him. Jeff was stunned at the sight of the baby. The baby charged at Jeff with inhuman speed, he quickly dodged and whacked the baby over the head with a desk lamp. The baby then rushed into the hole in the floor and didn't come back out. Jeff named the baby Silas. Jeff was greatly frightened, so he invited a friend named Joe to come and stay with him. Joe was an elderly African-American; he was a war veteran who fought in Vietnam and North Korea. Joe has an Afro. Herbert was appalled at this idea and began to complain. Herbert went out and bought a g36c from the local Walgreens. Joe and Jeff bought food to try and lure the baby out. When Herbert found out about this he stocked up on ammo in case their plan actually worked. Jeff placed the food right by the hole Silas had run into previously. It was about two weeks later when Silas actually made an appearance, by then the food was already covered in mold. Silas then lunged forward toward Joe, realizing he was not present before. Silas smiled a cruel grin and flew threw the air at Joe. Joe just barely made it out of the babies reach, but Silas did not give up. Jeff went in to try and save Joe. But the baby knocked off his glasses so he was blinded. That is when Joe swung a chair around in an effort to hit Silas. Silas dodged and tripped Joe. When both of them were down, Herbert ran in and threw a stun grenade. He then whipped out a g36c and sprayed down the motel room. Luckily, he had hit Silas in the chest and he was down. Jeff and Joe were rushed to the hospital where they were taking care of properly. Herbert shipped Silas off to Canada for research. The Canadians discovered that Silas was mutated from a massive nuclear explosion years before. It turns out Herbert was working for the Russian mafia and was later shot in battle. Jeff was there to help him through his last moments. ”œJeff, remember me as a hero and make sure I end up on a stamp.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Well, that was... random! Supposed to be funny, I hope? It needs quite a bit of grammar work, though. You have some runr-on sentences, some missing words, a sentence that's almost repeated a sentence later, and all your sentences are simple declarative. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Silas? LOL This story was like The Departed meets Homosexuality and Crayons. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arlan Vass Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 With a hint of COD4 thrown in. "Even if this land shall expire, thou may be able to prevent further corrosion. But even so, one day the flames will fade, and only Dark will remain. And even a legend such as thineself can do nothing to stop that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Its supposed to be funny, but I had to finish it in class in about 5 minutes one day so that's where a lot of the errors come in. COD4 rocks Arlan, glad you picked up the reference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Write another part. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 I probably will, but it was just for a school project, I might start tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Do it. I felt like I was reading Stephen King. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Really, thank you. Wait are you making fun of my ending? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Really, thank you. Wait are you making fun of my ending? Listen up kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 Why don't you like me, did I say something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'm just kidding. I was entertained. Shut up! Or I'm gonna punch you in the throat! No, but seriously: it was fun. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 I promise to make less errors. Also, if you guys like the next part I might make this a little longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 *is confused, lost, and vaguely disturbed* Well, to each their own! SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Yup, coming soon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reptilia Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 Her is the second part, I found it in a random folder so I will post it. Just to clarify, I wrote this before Obama was elected. _________________________________ Jeff was all alone after Joe was sent to prison, so he stole a Panda from China. He named him Arlan because he was moody and wasn't toilet trained. Jeff decided to have Arlan become a Mexican Wrestler. After Arlan lost all of his matches Jeff started him on steroids. Arlan went crazy and hijacked a bus and went to Canada. Jeff followed him, but remembered his passion for hockey, so he played the Canadian hockey team by himself. He lost because he got into a fight with the whole team but right when it looked as if Jeff would die Silas broke through the wall and tore through every player's flesh. Jeff and Silas reminisced for awhile and Jeff found out all the horrible tests the Canadians did on Silas. Then Jeff explained his situation with China and Arlan. Silas agreed to help Jeff, but only if he agreed to make him a sandwich. Then they went back to America because they were afraid of the Canadian Scientists. When they were in a park American officials gave Silas a draft card, due to a War with Australia, ”œAustralia has an army?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jidai Geki Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I'm not really sure what to say to this. No offence, but it reminds of something a child would write with its simple, unadorned statements and numerous grammatical errors. I don't care about any of the characters because they're not developed in the slightest, and if it's supposed to be funny, I'm not seeing why. You switch tenses frequently, misuse the hyphen, confuse 'threw' and 'through', use run-on sentences, and a host of other minor grammatical errors. I suggest that if you're serious about this story- even if it's a comedy- you flesh it out a lot more and get someone to proof-read it. http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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