"Star Wars" Original Novel: 'In Times of War...'

[Arlan Vass]

Here's my first try at a fan-fic ”˜novel'”¦ if you can even call it that.

Nonetheless, constructive criticism is appreciated. This story is completely original, although I will be using some characters from the ”˜Star Wars' saga to pull my story together. I'm not sure whether or not I want to label this story as being an AU story or an original story, though. There are several aspects of this story which will stray away from the actuality that is found in the books, movies, and comics of ”˜Star Wars'. Besides all of that, though, this is my first shot at a full-length novel, so please be nice. Thanks!

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Chapter 1

 

High above the skies of Courscant, all hell was breaking loose.

 

Gunfire from both Republic and Sith star fighters and even capital starships turned the calm, starry skies into an unstoppable, deadly fireworks show.

 

All around the outer rim of the magnificent planet, ships erupted into blazing balls of flame, dogfights were going on between hundreds of star fighters. There were four capital ships- two were Republic and two were Sith- that were providing support from the numerous amount of turrets that each ship had attached to their armored surfaces.

 

Two identical star crafts suddenly exited hyperspace, appearing behind one of the Republic cruisers. They were unique to the rest of the Republic's ships; they were painted black, and were most likely invisible from a distance. The shape of the two ships resembled that of a diamond, except for the flat-edged back side, which was where the thrusters were. There were also no visible weapon attachments on either of the ships.

 

The craft on the right side suddenly pulled ahead of its twin, slowly picking up speed as it glided past the Republic ship. The ship that was just on it's left pulled behind it, also gaining speed to keep up with the ship ahead of it.

 

”œActivating weapons' systems,”

Edited August 8, 2008 by Guest

[Arlan Vass]

I know it's kind of a short chapter, but I have alot in mind for it.

 

I hope you enjoy it!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Don't double post, use the edit button. (I had to be told this too.)

 

Good beginning, has a good fast-paced feel that matches the kind of scene it is. What time period is this supposed to be?

 

There are bunch of little nitpicky details I could fuss about in sentence structure, but this isn't the place for that. I'll just point out one that was very blatant to me.

 

There were four capital ships- two were Republic and two were Sith- that were providing support from the numerous amount of turrets that each ship had attached to their armored surfaces.

 

There's a better way to write this sentence, without the passive voice. Maybe:

 

"Four capital ships, two Republic and two Sith, provided support in the form of numerous laser turrets attached to their armored surfaces." Or something like that.

[Arlan Vass]

How do I delete a post I don't want?

 

I'm leaning more towards the time period of the Old Republic. Before Revan and Malak. I'm probably going to introduce my own characters into this and see how that goes.

 

I agree, sentence structure is definitley an area I need to work on. I'm working on it though.

 

But thanks for reading the first chapter!!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Umm, you can't delete a post you don't want. You can change the content with the edit button, but you can't make the post go away. Only admins can do that. I just told you so next time, you'll know.

 

The exception is if your story has not received any replies for some time - at least 3 days, I think, and you want to post more. Then it's okay. But I'm not an expert, check the rules.

[Tiana Calthye]

There were four capital ships- two were Republic and two were Sith- that were providing support from the numerous amount of turrets that each ship had attached to their armored surfaces.

 

There's a better way to write this sentence, without the passive voice. Maybe:

 

"Four capital ships, two Republic and two Sith, provided support in the form of numerous laser turrets attached to their armored surfaces." Or something like that.

I don't like either of your sentences! SO THERE. Hah.

 

"Four armored capital ships--two Republic and two Sith--provided support with numerous laser turrets attached to their surfaces."

 

This just goes to show how different people will take the same sentence and mangle it. Anyway...

 

Welcome to Fanfic, Arlan! (waves) I'm Tiana, I'm your mod, I'm the only one who can remove posts. >.>

 

I should modify up the rules, yeah. They're not very well written and don't cover the things people really want to know. If no one has replied to your story in three days, you can double post. Or PM me and go TIANAAAAA WILL YOU POST A REVIEW SO I DON'T HAVE TO DOUBLE POST?

 

Because double posting is generally bad. Edit button is good.

 

This is a good length for a chapter, nice cliffie ending... enough to keep us coming back... Fanfic.net is better for longer chapters, I think, but here, 2-5 pages in Word is plenty. No 20 page posts if you can help it. Not that I follow this too staunchly myself. Don't worry, fanficcers are nice.

 

I'm a critical reviewer myself but I'll hold back if you want me to be nice. I thought it was pretty well done anyway. My suggestion would've been to use more pronouns. You're continually using their name, even in a paragraph where no one else is... um...

 

Jhoren now concentrated on the ship that was quickly approaching them, this one coming at his master's ship head-on. Jhoren pulled up slightly on his controls, his ship's bank slowly rising concurrently. The Sith's star fighter appeared to gain speed as it neared them. Jhoren's thumb twitched slightly as it rested on the red button which would fire his ship's turrets if pressed.

 

You could use he once you've established who HE is, and no one else is interferring. Not that it matters too much. I appear to confuse people by using too many he/she/it and not enough names. >.>

 

It was good. Nicely balanced, nice to see a space battle... XD If anything, work a bit on the passive voice. You want to keep us IN the moment. Not "This caused the wing to catch fire", but rather "the wing caught fire".

 

Keep the moment going strong. You already appear to have a good grasp of character and writing, your grammar and spelling is all good... good stuff for a first fanfic. Really good. Most people's first fanfics, MINE INCLUDED, were... monsters. Ahhh. Yes. This is good, you seem to know what you're doing.

 

Yeah, I'd say AU.

 

Welcome!

[Arlan Vass]

Thanks for the help, too, Tiana!

 

Yeah, and as Anakin said, I should really work on my sentence structure for whatever stuff I write. I feel that I've improved, though, since last year. My writing was HORENDUS then. Haha.

 

I've been going over the rules in the 'FanFic' section, and many of the stories that're posted on this forum are really helping me get a grasp on how to build proper sentence structure.

 

I'm going to start working on my next chapter today when I have the time. I'll post it when I'm done.

 

Again, thank you for your help!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Nice start! You really threw us into the moment. It reminded me a lot of the beginnning of ROTS, which in a SW fic is never a bad thing.

 

Not much I can point out that hasn't been already said, but I'm already intruiged by the characters and look forward to learning more about them.

 

I assume from how simple it was for Jhoran to shoot down the Sith ship that the Sith of this time period are like the ones in KOTOR? That is, they are more a faction than dark side Force users?

 

Looking forward to more!

[Arlan Vass]

I assume from how simple it was for Jhoran to shoot down the Sith ship that the Sith of this time period are like the ones in KOTOR? That is, they are more a faction than dark side Force users?

 

Yeah, this takes place around that time period. However, it's going to be chock full o' original characters. It's going to take some time for me to make and introduce these characters, but I promise that I'll try my best to keep you readers hooked onto my story.

 

So stay tuned for more!

[Arlan Vass]

Thank you all for your advice that you've given me so far. It's really helped!

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Chapter 2

 

Bank left.

 

Bank right.

 

Fly upwards.

 

Jhoren avoided several shots from the Sith cruiser, and just barely eluded a third shot from one of the canons mounted on the side of the ship. Enemy star fighters flew past his own, not being able to double back and engage neither him nor Jayda. The majority of both the Republic and Sith fleets were engaged in an intense battle behind them. Support was still given by all four capital ships, although it was rather useless for the support since the Republic and Sith vessels were too far away to be of any help at all.

 

There were two hangar bays on this ship, one near the engines and one underneath the command deck. However, the one by the command deck was heavily defended by a numerous amount of Sith fighters and a large amount amount of manual-controlled turrets. Jhoren figured that there were less defenses near the rear of the ship.

 

Jayda must have thought the same, for her ship suddenly banked left. Jhoren quickly pushed his joystick to the left, banking his ship in the exact same maneuver as Jayda's. This maneuver attracted the attention of the Sith controlling the canons and turrets, for several flashes of green flew past the left side of his ship. He swiftly swerved close to the side of the Sith cruiser, taking extra caution as to not accidently crash into it. Jayda's ship was about half of a kilometer ahead of his, but was taking absolutely no fire; Jhoren knew that the Sith didn't expect the battle to find its way over to where their capital cruisers were. This made no difference; the Sith would most likely now be expecting their arrival in the other hangar.

 

Jhoren switched his gaze to the small screen that lay in front of him. It showed both his position as well as Jayda's. Their ships were represented by green triangles, and the cruiser was represented by a large, crimson rectangle, despite the ship's actual shape as being more triangular.

 

Jayda and Johren were quickly approaching the other hangar bay. Even from where he was, Jhoren was still able to see the entrance of the hangar, which was surrounded by a soft glow of pallid light. He watched as a particularly large Sith bomber suddenly rocketed out of the entryway. It was immediately followed by three more.

 

Jayda's voice sounded over the headset. ”œI don't think that those bombes are heading towards the fight,”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Well, you'd better appreciate this, I wrote it all out before and when i tried to submit the post, the server shut down on me and i lost the entire thing.

 

Okay.

 

There were two hangar bays on this ship, one near the engines and one underneath the command deck. However, the one by the command deck was heavily defended by a numerous amount of Sith fighters and a large amount amount of manual-controlled turrets. Jhoren figured that there were less defenses near the rear of the ship.

 

Don't use "numerous amount." "Numerous" is for countable objects, like ships and laser turrets. "Amount" is for uncountable objects, such as flour. Any time you put them together, it's going to be wrong. Also, you probably should avoid using "amount" twice in the same sentence for variety's sake, and 3 times is certainly too many! (Although I know "amount amount" is just a typo)

 

Back to the number rule with "less defenses". Less is for uncountable objects, "fewer" is what you use for countable ones.

 

Jhoren switched his gaze to the small screen that lay in front of him. It showed both his position as well as Jayda's. Their ships were represented by green triangles, and the cruiser was represented by a large, crimson rectangle, despite the ship's actual shape as being more triangular.

 

How important is it really that the capital ship was represented by a rectangle, but was really more triangular? Unless this information is really important later, I would not give it more than just a passing reference, "He watched the green triangle representing his ship on the viewscreen approach the red one that was the capital ship." And just have the capital ship represented by a large red triangle instead of a small green one, it's fine that way.

 

He glanced down to his belt, and saw a silver cylinder clipped to the left side of it.

 

His lightsaber.

 

This seems out of place here, as if he just noticed the lightsaber on his belt and is surprised to find it there. I think most of us would assume that a Jedi always carries his lightsaber, especially into battle, so I'm not sure how necessary these two sentences are. But, in light of the later passage:

The sound of their lightsabers igniting almost simultaneously calmed Jhoren's nerves. He never traveled anywhere without his weapon. It gave him a sense of security”¦ of strength. He had constructed it long ago with Jayda on Kashyyk, when she had first taken him in as her student. It had served him well in the past, and would serve him well once again.

 

... it makes sense to say something like, "He glanced down at the lightsaber on his belt, drawing assurance from its famliar presence there."

 

His master was most likely in her early thirties. Despite her short stature, she was a remarkable combatant. Her soft facial features were complimented by her olive-green eyes, which stood out most amongst all of the other physical traits she possessed. She had long, straight, brunette hair which was now tied back into a ponytail. She was wearing traditional Jedi Master robes, which also slightly dragged along the floor as she walked.

 

Jhoren, on the other hand, was twenty-one years old. He was rather tall; almost an entire foot taller than Jayda. There was nothing particularly striking about his facial features. His eyes were brown, he had a well-sculpted face, and there was a small dimple in his chin. His hair was a lighter shade of brown than his master's, and was fairly short. His ponytail, a single braid that came down to his chest, was the traditional symbol of a Jedi padawan.

Jayda took a quick look around the hangar bay, before looking back at Jhoren.

 

Here, in the hangar of an enemy ship, in between battles on a mission, is not the place for an in-depth physical description like this. They wouldn't stand around and take stock of each other's appearances here; if anything, they might think about things like each other's height and personality traits that might make a difference in their fighting styles, or add advantages or disadvantages. But eye color and hair color is not really important here. You might be able to say "Jayda's unusual olive-green eyes were intense as she said, "(whatever she says next)." Other than that, save the detailed physical description for a calmer moment.

 

 

Jhoren noticed that Jayda had suddenly stopped. He had almost walked right into her, for she had stopped so fast.

 

Be concise where possible. You could combine these two sentences into a much more fluid one: "Jayda stopped so suddenly that Jhoren almost walked right into her." for one example.

 

You're doing very well with the plot, but as I said before, your sentence structure could use a little work.

[Arlan Vass]

I agree with everything you said, Anakin.

 

I tend to get too overly-into details within whatever I write, but I promise everyone that I'm working on not doing that so much!

 

Thank you for your help, too, Anakin. I greatly appreciate it.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

There's nothing wrong with details - they're good, in fact - just so long as they're in the right places! Don't take out all the details from your work and say I told you to! Just make sure the ones you put in help the reader visualize what's going on, and that they're relevant to that part of the story.

 

And you're welcome! Glad I'm not annoying you by my breakdown criticism.

[Arlan Vass]

Not at all. I really do need the critisism to hopefully do better on the next chapter.

 

Thanks!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Yeah, good update. Now I'm getting serious ROTS vibes.

 

It feels that Jayda is a bit young to be a Jedi Master. I mean, if she was 23 when she took him as a padawan...how did she have time between her Knighting and becoming a Master? I'd suggest either making her older, or just a Jedi Knight.

 

Anyway, nice work. More?

[Arlan Vass]

I thought I had made Jayda out to be in her early thirties?

 

If not, then I'll change it if I can it.

 

Thanks!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Jayda's in her early thirties now. But how long ago did she take Jhoren as her Padawan? I've heard it suggested that a youngling must be taken by a Master by 13, or they will be sent to AgriCorps. (I don't know if this is canon or not, but let's say for the sake of argument that it is.) I Jhoren is 21, he must have been taken as a Padawan at least 8 years ago. If we say Jayda's 33, then she would have had to take him on when she was 25. Even if she took a Padawan the very moment she was Knighted, that's still a bit early for Knighthood in most cases. Obi-Wan Kenobi wasn't Knighted until 27, and he was quite the legend among the Jedi. So, it wouldn't be impossible, but it would be slightly out-of-the ordinary for Jayda to be Knighted and taking a Padawan that early. Also, most Knights don't take their first Padawan for some time after their own Knighting; Obi-Wan with Anakin was kind of unusual in that respect. That would probably put her knighting a year back, to 24, which is getting to the very unusual spectrum. Anakin Skywalker, the Chosen One and strong in the Force as all-get-out, was at least 22 when he was Knighted, maybe as old as 23. And he was unusually early, even for a Knight who had begun training at the usual age.

 

So... if you're going for a slightly unusual Jedi, sure. But if Jayda and Jhoren are supposed to be your ordinary average run-of-the-mill Jedi Knights, then you might want to make Jayda a little older.

[Arlan Vass]

Chapter 3

 

Jhoren was uncertain of who fired the first shot. A single bolt of energy soared past his right ear, nearly catching it as it flew past. The echo of the first blaster going off rang in his ears as he watched the Sith and droids raise their weapons towards them. In less than a second, they would open fire.

 

Jayda made the first move.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jhoren saw her robes fall off of her and land on the floor in a heap, revealing her cream-colored tunic and black, loose-fitting pants. He watched as she suddenly hurled her lightsaber towards the ambush, the emerald hue of the blade blazing through the air before it finally hit and impaled one of the HK droids, causing it to spark and topple backwards. This was immediately following by her extending her hands out in front of her, using the Force to push two advancing Sith troopers backwards.

 

Jhoren then twirled his own lightsaber, the blue blade giving off a slight ”˜humming' noise as he moved the weapon. He easily deflected several shots by one of the Elite Sith troopers. He watched as Jayda ran up to the group, calling her lightsaber back to her via the Force as she went. Jhoren instantly sprang forward as well, swinging his own lightsaber in front of him, blocking several more shots that came at him. Jayda deflected a storm of storm of fire as well, causing several Sith troopers to crumple from being struck by their own fire.

 

The five troopers holding vibroblades and swords charged forward, but were no match for the two Jedi. Two of them were killed by a single swing of Jayda's lightsaber. She suddenly used the Force to grasp one other trooper, and lifted him off of the ground. The Sith's vibroblade dropped to the ground as he was raised about ten feet into the air. Jayda then hastily jerked her hand to the left, causing him to be thrown directly into the wall. He then fell to the ground and remained still.

 

Jhoren was fighting one-on-one with one of the Sith soldiers. His lightsaber locked with his opponent's vibroblade, before he suddenly lunged forward with his weapon, impaling the Sith through the chest. He then quickly swung his lightsaber around, feeling it cut through another enemy as he brought it around him. He then released his lightsaber, watching as it dropped towards the ground. He swiftly dropped down low, just barely avoiding several blasts of energy from one of the troopers' repeating rifles. He snapped his hand out, catching his lightsaber as it was falling through the air, and quickly reignited it. Setting his sights on the trooper who was now re-aiming at him, he hurled his lightsaber at him. It glided through the air, towards the Sith. He didn't have a chance. The blade impaled him through the upper-left area of his chest, ripping through his heart. Jhoren brought the trooper towards him with a harsh flick of his hand, and caught him by the neck. He tore his lightsaber out of the Sith's chest, and quickly kicked his defeated opponent to the ground.

 

Jayda cut down the last remaining Elite before finally turning back to Jhoren.

 

”œFollow me, but stay close.”

[Arlan Vass]

Jayda's in her early thirties now. But how long ago did she take Jhoren as her Padawan? I've heard it suggested that a youngling must be taken by a Master by 13, or they will be sent to AgriCorps. (I don't know if this is canon or not, but let's say for the sake of argument that it is.) I Jhoren is 21, he must have been taken as a Padawan at least 8 years ago. If we say Jayda's 33, then she would have had to take him on when she was 25. Even if she took a Padawan the very moment she was Knighted, that's still a bit early for Knighthood in most cases. Obi-Wan Kenobi wasn't Knighted until 27, and he was quite the legend among the Jedi. So, it wouldn't be impossible, but it would be slightly out-of-the ordinary for Jayda to be Knighted and taking a Padawan that early. Also, most Knights don't take their first Padawan for some time after their own Knighting; Obi-Wan with Anakin was kind of unusual in that respect. That would probably put her knighting a year back, to 24, which is getting to the very unusual spectrum. Anakin Skywalker, the Chosen One and strong in the Force as all-get-out, was at least 22 when he was Knighted, maybe as old as 23. And he was unusually early, even for a Knight who had begun training at the usual age.

 

So... if you're going for a slightly unusual Jedi, sure. But if Jayda and Jhoren are supposed to be your ordinary average run-of-the-mill Jedi Knights, then you might want to make Jayda a little older.

 

I was hoping to make Jayda a bit out-of-the-ordinary. But yeah, I get what you mean.

 

Thanks again, Anakin!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Firstly, you don't need two separate posts for an author's note and for the story itself. You can separate it into two sections, as demonstrated below.

 

(And while double-posting is not absolutely forbidden, it is discouraged if it can be avoided.)

 

 

*************************************************************

 

For the review of the work:

 

Be more concise. If you have a choice between 3 simple declarative sentences, and one complex sentence with 3 phrases, choose the latter, at least when it comes to description.

 

You also use a lot of passive voice:

 

 

This was immediately following by her extending her hands out in front of her, using the Force to push two advancing Sith troopers backwards.

 

It is much better to say, "She immediately extended her hands in front of her..." etc.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jhoren saw her robes fall off of her and land on the floor in a heap, revealing her cream-colored tunic and black, loose-fitting pants. He watched as she suddenly hurled her lightsaber towards the ambush, the emerald hue of the blade blazing through the air before it finally hit and impaled one of the HK droids, causing it to spark and topple backwards. This was immediately following by her extending her hands out in front of her, using the Force to push two advancing Sith troopers backwards.

 

 

A couple of things about this part. First of all, never use "off of". That's incorrect grammar; it should simply be "her robes fell off." And usually, at least in the books I've read, SW authors use "robes plural to indicate the entire Jedi clothing ensemble - and I fell it would be most unfortunate for that to happen in the midst of a battle! "Robe" singular usually refers to the outer robe only.

 

I also think it is unnecessary to have this whole paragraph from Jhoren's point of view. Having to add "he watched as" to every occurence is a bit cumbersome. You might have him watch in awe when his master does something particularly spectacular, but her taking of her outer robe to prepare for battle hardly falls into that category.

 

Also, you rather overuse passive voice. "Were killed" instead of "died", "was raised" instead of "rose', etc. Like a long Jedi robe in battle, passive is awkward. Some instances require passive voice, but in most cases, it's better to avoid it.

 

This one, too:

Jayda then hastily jerked her hand to the left, causing him to be thrown directly into the wall

 

Just "throwing him directly into a wall" would be fine after the comma of that sentence.

 

Be concise. Less is more, especially in battle scenes.

 

Otherwise, however, you plot progresses nicely.

[Amidala Skywalker]

I ditto what Ani said. Passive tense is hard to master, and often awkward to read. It feels like you're trying too hard, in a way. Relax and have fun writing this intruiging story!

 

There were a few typos here and there; I'd suggest just checking over your post before you post it. The "Preview" button when you're posting is helpful for that.

 

I liked the little paragraph in there about Jayda acting oddly withdrawn. It built her character a little more, and made me suspicious about what's going on with her.

 

And nice entry of the Sith/Dark Jedi at the end there. Keep up the good work!

[Arlan Vass]

Thank you both for all of your constructive critisism so far!

[Arlan Vass]

Chapter 4

 

The Sith stared at them with his scarlet-colored eyes. His hair was black, long, and disheveled, falling down to his shoulders. He wore no shirt, revealing the obvious fact that he was more than able to take both of them on. His muscular physique amazed Jhoren. He wondered how this man could possibly maneuver his bulky figure around attacks from both his and Jayda's lightsabers.

 

He was about to find out.

 

Before he had been able to take even one step forward, Jhoren watched as the Sith reached behind him. He brought his hand around him once more, wielding yet another lightsaber hilt. He ignited this weapon as well, but instead of a red blade, this lightsaber's blade was violet.

 

Jhoren wasn't impressed. He knew many Jedi who dual-wielded lightsabers, but only because it made up for their lack of speed. He was fast, and he had a feeling that this fight with the Sith would be a quick one indeed.

 

This man made no move to attack them, though. He held the lightsaber out to his side, acting as if he was waiting for something. Jhoren saw that he was focusing his gaze on Jayda, and seemed to ignore the fact that he was standing right next to her. She returned the cold, hard stare, and brought her lightsaber over her head, readying her attack. Jhoren brought his own lightsaber down to his right side, also readying himself for an attack.

 

Before either of them started on the Sith, the door behind him slid open. Jhoren watched as a young, female Twi'lek walked up beside the man. She was nearly a whole head shorter than him, with dark, red skin, and Sith tattooing covering her entire body. Her apparel was made up of a black, torn top and gray, close-fitting leggings. Her large bust was supported by her top, and would surely have a strong influence on any male who crossed her path.

 

Jhoren tensed up as he saw the woman grab the purple lightsaber from the Sith's grasp. She held it at her side. She smiled evilly at the two Jedi, twirling the weapon around her body in a clockwise motion. The hum of the lightsaber's blade filled the silent air. She seemed to be intimidating them.

Her gaze suddenly locked with Jayda's.

 

”œI'll take her down first, Master Follnor,”