Star Wars: Rise of a Hero (AU/FAN-FIC). REVISED.

[l:BlueVortex:l]

AUTHOR's NOTE: Hey, everyone! I really appreciate all of the positive feedback on my other story, 'Knights of the Old Republic: Rebirth of a Hero'. So now, I've decided to start a story that is going to be completely original, but still include or recognize certain characters or places within the extensive universe of Star Wars. This is my first Star Wars story, so I hope you all enjoy it!

-Drew

 

CHAPTER 1:

 

The twin Tatooine suns were burning the man's back as he pressed down harder onto the acceleration pad of his speeder bike, making it go Despite the heavy tunic that he was wearing, he could still feel the heat of the suns beating down onto him.

 

Damn these suns The man thought to himself.I'll be badly burned by the time I get back.

 

His long, black hair was flowing through the rush of the warm, humid air as he sped up even faster. His skin nearly resembled that of a normal human, except for one long scar running down his face.

 

He reached into his side pocket and pulled out his binoculars, balancing his right hand on the handlebars of the speeder. He put the binoculars up to his eyes and looked through them. He could see his small hut in the distance, but knew that he had around seven kilometers to travel until he arrived there.

 

He sighed to himself. He hadn't wanted to bring his wife and son here to Tatooine, but it was better than living on Kiffu. Their home planet was taken over by the Empire, but they had managed to escape to Tatooine. The man had found work in one of the local cantinas, but knew that he wouldn't be able to support himself and his family with the amount of credits he was earning. The people on this planet did not make life easier for the man and his family. He had later learned after his arrival that off-worlders, especially non-humans, were looked down upon on certain planets.

 

But why? He had asked himself over and over. He could have easily been mistaken for a human, if it weren't for his unique skin color and the scar on his face.

 

The speeder bike he was riding, his 22-B Nightfalcon speeder bike, used to be very costly when it was still being manufactured. It stopped being manufactured about ten years ago, and the price of one went down nearly five thousand credits. The man had found it, literally, in the garbage one day as he was traveling through Anchorhead. Partially due to his excellent mechanical skills, but mostly due to his determination, he was able to salvage many other parts for the speeder bike, and soon was able to get it running.

 

He slowed to a stop as he neared his hut. It had taken him perhaps several minutes to reach his home. As he scanned the area outside of the small structure, he saw his small utility droid, J4-R2, rolling across the sandy ground, heading towards the hut entrance. He shut off his speeder bike and climbed off of it. The heat of the twin suns was making his skin boil worse now than before.

 

The man watched as a young boy ran out of the entrance of the hut and over to the man. He greatly resembled the man, but his hair was cut down to his shoulders, and he had no scar on his face.

 

He smiled as he boy ran towards him, and immediately bent down onto one knee and threw his arms around the boy, hugging him. The man cast his glance over the boy's shoulder and saw a young woman standing by the hut, her arms crossed over her chest, but a smile slowly forming on her face at the sight of the man and the child. She was beautiful. Her hair seemed to glow in the sunlight, which reached all of the way down to her lower back. There was a dark scar on her face that was barely noticable, but made her all the more attractive. She was wearing a light-weight tunic, but she seemed to be more comfortable in the suns' light than the man was.

 

The boy looked up to the man and asked, ”œDad, can we still go into town later today?”

Edited May 9, 2008 by Guest

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Interesting beginning - I'll be watching for more!

 

but

 

Whoops! You described the Tatooine air as humid. I'm afraid not. It is dry desert air.

 

I thought it was a bit awkward calling him "the man" for so long, though I guess I can see where you're coming from - you wanted him to be a bit mysterious, and have his wife introduce him.

 

heat of the twin suns was starting to make his skin broil worse than before now.

 

Oooh. Awkward phrasing. Try it this way: "the heat of the twin suns was boiling his skin even worse than before." Unless the words are all vivid descriptives, less is more.

 

Watch for things like that; I think there were a couple others. Otherwise, good beginning!

[ForceFusion]

Intriguing. I'm interested to see where this goes.

 

My one critique is that you didn't really draw me in. I almost stopped reading because there was no real hook until the last line. Something about the situation or the character or the place really needs to jump out at me. And we've all seen/read Tatooine's twin suns to death. It's a bit of a SW cliche now.

 

Anyway, good start. I'll try to keep up with this one.

[l:BlueVortex:l]

Intriguing. I'm interested to see where this goes.

 

My one critique is that you didn't really draw me in. I almost stopped reading because there was no real hook until the last line. Something about the situation or the character or the place really needs to jump out at me. And we've all seen/read Tatooine's twin suns to death. It's a bit of a SW cliche now.

 

Anyway, good start. I'll try to keep up with this one.

 

Hah. As I said, this is my first Star Wars fan-fic. I really don't try to get invovled with big action-packed scenes that much in my writing unless I need to.

 

I'm going to post the next chapter though which leads up to a big scene that 'hooks' the reader, you could say.

 

Stay tuned!

[l:BlueVortex:l]

Chapter 2

 

Avres raised his model of a Y-Wing starfighter up above his head, making his hand swivel in fluid motions around him, pretending that the Y-Wing was real. He was too preoccupied with what he was doing to hear his father's footsteps approaching his bedroom.

 

Ghorn walked into his son's bedroom, looking down at what his son was doing with the model. He smiled to himself. The boy sure had taken an interest in spacecraft these days.

 

He walked over to Avres and knelt down beside him. Avres finally noticed that his father was in the room and grinned up at him. ”œD'you know what kind of ship this is, Dad?”

Edited May 9, 2008 by Guest

[Amidala Skywalker]

*plays dramatic music*

 

Not bad! I like the premise of this story. I somehow have the feeling that Ghorn is going to cease being the main character rather soon...

 

Alot of this felt like "tell, don't show", when it should be "show, don't tell". That's a hard thing to fight, especially in the beginning of stories, when you want to get your readers aquainted with the characters. I agree with Ani on the awkwardness of using "the man" so much in the beginning. But you do have some nice descriptions. Personally, I don't feel connected with the characters yet. The boy especially feels like a rather stoic character at this point, but I look forward to where you'll take them.

 

Overall, not bad, and I look forward to more.

[l:BlueVortex:l]

*plays dramatic music*

 

Not bad! I like the premise of this story. I somehow have the feeling that Ghorn is going to cease being the main character rather soon...

 

Alot of this felt like "tell, don't show", when it should be "show, don't tell". That's a hard thing to fight, especially in the beginning of stories, when you want to get your readers aquainted with the characters. I agree with Ani on the awkwardness of using "the man" so much in the beginning. But you do have some nice descriptions. Personally, I don't feel connected with the characters yet. The boy especially feels like a rather stoic character at this point, but I look forward to where you'll take them.

 

Overall, not bad, and I look forward to more.

 

thanks Amidala!

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Augghh! Cliffie! (tantrums)

 

Things are strating to get interesting! I'm just going to say about one thing that stuck out at me.

 

There were several secrets that both Ghorn and Nalia were hiding from Avres, but the biggest secret was probably the fact that Ghorn was a Jedi.

 

Could you perhaps find a more creative way to express this? If you express it at all; I mean, I figured out last chapter that Ghorn was a Jedi and that he was hiding it from his son. The extremely direct, declarative, matter-of-fact tone of this sentence doesn't fit; most of the story reads more like the reader is an observer, seeing the events for themselves (good), but that sentence really sounds like there's a narrator. It's okay to narrate stories on occasion, but make the whole thing narrative, then.

And for this one, I prefer the "obervation" style.

 

I think there were a few other spots like this, but I think you can probably find them yourself.

 

Now, update this cliffhanger before I lightsaber you!

[ForceFusion]

You like the cliff hangar endings, don't you? haha! Anyway, I'm still intrigued. Keep posting!