Sandy Sarna

Sandy could not deny that she was shaken by the sudden surge of feelings that she had felt well up inside Aidan. She at first tried to ignore it, not to shun it but let the feelings roll off her unaffected. But they still caused her to take a deep, steadying breath, before she could continue. She needed to be the calm in the storm, no doubt they would have to discuss the fact that they had shared feelings, but that would have to be later. Why? But she pushed that selfish desire away, she wasn’t some gawking teenage girl on a Kashyyyk beach anymore. Such feelings had their time and place, they would bring much joy if left in fertile ground, and so she would let them lie. She took another breath and put forth her gentle reassurance to Aidan. Illusion prevents us from true insight. Another breath and her mind was free from the distraction of the revelation from Aidan. Search within you to find the illusions that you have long kept close to your chest. Constant self reflection will keep you from building up these deceitful illusions. Much like any other spectre, when left unexamined, any part of the force, or personality, or thought, could keep the Jedi, or imperial knight from finding their own weaknesses. The meditation for insight was in itself a fight against pride. The silent killer of Jedi, the thought that you were good enough already and had nowhere to improve. A humble reflection will always find the illusion. They were nearly at the end of the session, and the exhaustion was beginning to fade at the edges of her mind.

Lies and deception banish away the truth. Truth was an integral part of the jedi walk, and it shocked her how easily one could be driven off that walk without paying attention. Letting the little mistruths build until they became a wave that could wash her away. These tiny lies we tell ourselves slowly erode our truth. We must confront them in everything we do, lest they overcome us. You must embrace your own destiny, no matter how much you may wish to part from it. Embrace who you are and you will drive away the lies. That was the true journey here, to embrace who she was, no matter the baggage. She took another scented breath and let it out through her nose. She let her presence mix with Aidan’s, giving him a strength to rely on should he need it. She had confronted this part of herself years before with Adenna, but still opening these scars was tiring. She could only feel the turmoil in Aidan’s spirit and so she was there if he needed it.

Sandy could feel Aidan’s steadfastness, as he released yet another burden from his shoulders. When the calm returned, she spoke again. Grief distracts us from the path of the light The obsession of a loss, its haunting figure, could be felt like an echo through every action of a person consumed with grief. Another great poison, a great distraction from the force, grief turned so easily to self righteous anger. For what else could a person do but wallow in the few reliefs of grief? Sandy could feel its pull even in the calm of the meditation. That secret desire to curl herself in a ball and give into misery. So she rebuked it. Grief, while a useful tool, was all consuming, tears were meant to be dried, not stay there forever. Grief is something to be embraced as part of a transition away from trauma. They say time heals all wounds, and while there is truth there, I must always remind myself to move on from it. There is a small side of me that rejoices in my grief, using it as a shield from the pain of transition. It is there that grief must be discarded. She shook her head slowly. We don’t want to be feelingless monsters however, as the Sith often accuse us. We must accept the grief when it comes to us, to feel it, but not let it consume us. She breathed out, letting the grief go.

Sandy took another breath, inhaling a lungful of air that was heavy with the calming incense of meditation. It was time to look upon the culmination of guilt, the shame that breaks the root of growth. She breathed out and her words whispered to her friend as the feeling of shame passed between them. Shame destroys the will and keeps us from our growth. What was her shame? Every little thing that had brought a flush to her face could have spilled out of her like a fountain. But those little shames were of no consequence, they were things easily moved on from. It was the great shames that mixed with the guilt to poison a man. To turn all he did to bitterness. She let the shame of Thalassia spill out, those things that haunted her every step, those acts that had brought her to the brink of suicide not five years before. She did not visualize them, but let the truth of them exhale with her breath. The shame that haunted her dissipated as she watched Aidan work his own meditation. There was room, space to grow. Though she had moved beyond that shame years before, it was good to confront it in everything that she did. She could never truly be whole and new, but now there was a space to grow. She was valuable despite what had happened. And a smile secretly tugged at the edges of her mouth.

A smile whispered on her lips for a moment as she watched Aidan confront his fear. It was a lifelong process she knew, but now that the door was open, it would be easier to keep confronting them. He had overcome so many in the Maw, and now his strength could not be denied. He would survive. She could feel his trust and returned it. Her mind touched his as the fear dissipated, leaving them both blissfully at peace for a brief moment. But there was so much more to do. And she let the peace pass away as well, forcing herself from the comfort and into the cold of her mind. She heard the words come from the holocron and she echoed them. Guilt, however righteous, is death to joy What were her guilts? Were they the embarrassing moments that kept her awake on the verge of sleep? No, she needed to show the root. Like most traumas, there was a seed of truth in every foundation. It was healthy to regret an ill desire, or an evil action, but that regret, when left unchecked spread like a poison through every word and every joy. Poisoning each lovely thought, bringing the mind from its true purpose to focus on darkness. Even the simple guilt of dipping her lightsabre blade into the gut of Fynn Relmis, however justified, could poison her every thought. She let the guilt tumble out of her, falling like an acid rain on the plain of their minds. Death, loss, every guilt she had felt since she was a little girl came out, but there was a central guilt, a poison that corrupted everything she touched. She would have hung her head in shame had she been near him but she kept her neck unbent. I killed my mother She could have justified it, talked about the beatings, the screaming. But the fact was there despite it all. She had reached out a hand in the force and struck out. It had been so easy and with a flicker in the force, a sad, depressed, angry woman had died the brutal death of a brain aneurysm. The scene in all its brutalism lay before them spread out in the thick storm. Deal with the guilt first. Shame is next. The soft voice carried a kindness she had never felt as a child. And with it came a peace. I’m sorry. I am so sorry She whispered to no one but the ghost of her mother. She took a deep breath, letting the warmth of the tears trickle down her face. Time will not change the actions that harmed an innocent. You must confront that action, reveal it, and it will hold no power to poison your joy.

It felt like treading water, like reaching for a surface that would never come, the last breath burning in her lungs. But she could feel him there. Aidan. He was distant but there. Wisdom Sandy let herself be brought closer to him in the force until she could visualize him. It was like looking through a darkened screen, or a tarnished mirror but he was there. Meditating just as she was. Though likely lightyears away. She touched his mind as he touched hers. She was tempted to say something frivolous, or to flirt, but this was not the place for such a thing. This was an honour, and was one of many steps she would take along her path to wisdom. Aidan needed the help and so she would guide him the best she knew how. She sought back to her time as a knight, her confrontations withe the Sith Lords. Fear Fear locks us from our path and keeps us separate from our destiny. Find your fear Aidan and I will show you mine She found her own fear and brought it to its root. With a breath that felt like a scream of pain, she let the fear bubble forth from where it usually crept in the back of her mind. She sought it from where it lay, bound to the back of her spine, where it haunted every step. The dark The knives The pain of violation The gnashing of a togorians laughter The fear of loosing everyone she loved The fear of rejection Even the fear of showing the fears she had to Aidan She let them pulse between them, showing Aidan each and every one. Laid out like panels on a quilt. Even those that she had kept locked since her time in captivity on Thalassia. Even those that she kept locked in her heart. Nothing lay hidden. The pain of them rocked her, but she steadied herself leaning on the presence of her friend. It is impossible to confront and overcome fears without exposing them She breathed out, slowly, her breath falling like a mist over the arrayed fears, causing them to slowly burn away. Once they are before us, we can let them go

The face stared back at her, looming from the depths of the crystal cube, projected by the force into her mind. The face sat there, waiting, age long lining its curves, the sides of his eyes wrinkled deeply by a long life of mirth. After what could only be described as an eternity a soft voice echoed through her mind. Though it carried the gruffness of age, it was not harsh. What do you seek child? She felt surprised enough by the question that it caused her to hesitate, she took a breath, letting the smell of the incense wash over her senses. She breathed out, letting all the bitter air in her lungs go along with it. Wisdom she breathed So you seek it all? Or just some of it? There was a wry smile behind the voice that did not condemn. Her eyebrows narrowed. I seek...I seek its path The voice in her head was like a smile. Then you must find yourself firs She took another breath and nodded. Let us attend together to the path of wisdom ((Continued in the Dejarik Board))

Sandy Sarna stood, leaning against the doorframe of one of the walkways between the gymnasium and food dispensary in the newly built rebel base. She held her newly acquired datapad and slowly ran her finger unter the pale blue font of the inbuilt intranet messaging system. The datapads small connection cable attached firmly to the small comm link at in her belt, coiling its wire in a small spool at the bottom of the imperial issued datapad. She had read the message several times. Including the attached instructions, but her emerald green eyes always were drawn back to the single line. “I’ll miss you.” She did not let her heart feel those words but she could still be moved by them. She blinked before rereading the message again, only to be slightly bumped into by a dour looking Mon Calamari. She couldn’t exactly be sure of the Mon Cal’s expression as their faces always were a mystery to her, She recognized the Mon Cal after a second of pondering and a bright smile stretched across her lips. This was one of the specialized Jedi healers of which she had heard bright review from the Imperial Knights. She snapped the datapad closed and returned the bow, her green eyes inquisitive as she asked, “I hear that you and others have returned from the disaster over Mon Calamari, the Rebel Alliance is scrambling to figure out a counter.” She tapped the closed datapad as if to indicate something of importance. “And we have reports of the environmental disaster on Scarif beginning to reach their peak.” She raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “I know that you likely need rest and meditation after your ordeal, but I would request that you accompany me to Scarif to assist in healing the natives.” She held up a hand as if to forestall any protests, “But it is only a request, I leave tomorrow midmorning, so you have time to come to a decision. Meet me in docking port twelve if so.” She tapped the datapad again with a scarred hand. The faint scars reaching from each fingertip to wrist. She had been skinned alive once a decade before, and the scars, however small and faded, still spoke of her dark journey through the slaver rings on Thalassia. “But go and make your reports, I have a few things to do myself.” She bowed, picked up her pack, and strode off to the Imperial Knight quarter. ________________________________________ She tried the door and it slid back with ease, moving silently on its oiled tracks. The room itself was as spartan as her own temporary room in the prefab barracks, little looked out of place, and even less looked like it actually belonged to him. Sandy figured that the same scene would be repeated throughout the entire alliance. Thousands of rooms were the same, places used as a stopover for a few days between missions that could last months. Nonetheless, Sandy was honoured to have the privilege of being invited into this one small sanctuary of Darkfire’s and so she carefully set her bundle down and slid the door shut behind her. She took a deep breath and walked slowly to the foot of Aidan’s bed, where the cerro-metal footlocker sat. She placed her unscarred hand over the metal lock and let her eyes flutter closed. The arm had been grown from a coral-like substance harvested by her friend T’ali’au, and had replaced the arm she had lost there. As she let the force overpower the locking mechanism, she said a silent prayer for that friend. Who she had left with promises of Jedi intervention on the overloading core. That had been back when she had been a young knight, and now here she was several years later only now beginning the journey to return. As the lock fell away she lifted the lid of the foot locker and found the small cube of opaque crystal. She withdrew it from its casing and reclosed the foot locker, placing the holocron on top of it. She placed two cylindrical incense censers beside it then sat on the floor before the holocron. She let her eyelids close and reached out a hand. Fire ignited in the censers, spreading the calming smell of meditative incense throughout the room. It blocked the lingering smell of him, and left no room for distractions. She breathed in and activated the holocron through the force.

Sandy awoke with a start, immediately pulled back into the real by the smell of sweat, blood, and burned ozone, accented by the charred meat smell of a lightsabres killing blow. She shivered for a moment as her mind reeled to find itself, the rough linen bedsheets feeling strange against her face. A face that had been used to sleeping in crash webbing and flight chairs for the last few months. She could see Fynns eyes still burned into her eyelids for a few moments as she blinked away her sleep. When she finally pulled herself up and off her bed she felt stiff as if the muscles in her back had been intensely active for the last several hours. She groaned and sank into a stretch, letting her mind slowly clear as she went through her morning meditations. She could easily identify what her dreams had been, and those yellowed eyes looked ever back at her as she began to work with the force to refresh herself. Trauma, even if it was righteous trauma, still left its scars , and Sandy let the tears come, falling warmly and blissfully down her cheeks as she stretched, letting the emotions penned up by the dreams slowly release along with the tears.She let her breathing calm into a steady beat and let the emotion slowly wash out of her. Acknowledging each before she let them go. Fear. Fear for the loss of her own life, the lives of her friends, fear that she would eventually have to do what she did to Fynn to someone else. Fear of failure. Anger. Anger at Fynn, anger at his fall. Pride. Pride in her victories. Sorrow. Sorrow at the death of her one time friend and mentor. Sorrow in leaving her friends. Sorrow at the loneliness that beat at the edge of her heart. She let them flow out of her and when they were gone she took a deep breath. Exhaled, then took a quick sanisteam shower and redressed into her battle gear. Then she went to find Aidan to see if he had received new orders.

She watched him walk away, flexing the hand that he had so recently grasped, and she was almost completely overwhelmed by a sorrow that bubbled up from the very pit of her stomach. It was a long standing sorrow, and one that she easily pushed away with an exhalation of her lungs that scattered the dismal feelings away. But was it the old unrequited feeling of her heart? Or was it something else? Some kind of premonition of what was to come? She didn’t know, but she did watch the back of his black haired head until it disappeared around the corner of the cafeteria door. She blinked and looked down at her hand, placing it palm down on the cool metal of the table, letting the force calm her tired mind. Sorrow was replaced with a calm pride in Aidan and his journey. He was strong and had done his family more than proud. She shook her blonde head, and walked slowly back to her room, letting the exhausted state of her body lead her to the spartan quarters buried in the Jedi barrack. She smiled wanly at the ‘master’ placed before her name on the duraplast door, pushed it open, let it slide closed behind her and with a flop, fell into a deep sleep on the bed.

Sandy nodded slowly, glancing down into the burned dregs of the caf, where small speckles of the bean floated in the remnants of the drink. She set the cup down and flicked the metallic rim smiling at the soft metallic sound and looked back at Aidan. “Yes, these adventures are persistent enough that I almost miss the galaxy wide peace.” She laughed at the bitter joke and glanced back at the table, her hands wrapping mechanically around the cooling mug. She could feel the tinge of disappointment in her voice as she spoke. They were a good team, and if there was anyone that she trusted within the Rebel Alliance, it was Aidan Darkfire. “Well it should be a relatively quick mission for me without danger so I will see you again soon after we part ways.” There was the silent, unsaid I hope that echoed with those words. War, especially this kind of war, was brutal, friends departing as swift as meteorites and burning just as bright. And somewhere in the back of her mind she dreaded reading the holo reports in the coming months. Constantly fearing if the little holo name of her best friend would be outlined in red. She looked back up and forced a smile on her face. “I would be honoured to meditate with you Aidan, if you can catch me before we go off on the missions I will be in my room, and…” She stood as well, extending her hand. “If we don't see each other before we go, please stay safe, and may the force always be with you.” She hated that phrase, it was always spoken with the expectation that the force was not with them. But nothing else felt appropriate.

Sandy left the questions about if the Imperials drafted their apprentices from the ranks, and chalked it off to they probably did the exact same thing the Jedi Order did. Jedu more….militarily. They probably had a full force of testers for new immigrants to feed their ranks and Sandy pondered if the Jedi could use such an apparatus. And decided to ask Adenna the next time she saw her. Her emerald eyes looked up into Aidan’s equally green eyes and she smiled in response to his question. “I feel absolutely no different than when I was an apprentice. I have a basic idea of how I can get through situations, but i’ll be damned if I don’t just wing it every time. But perhaps I have just gotten better at winging it? There is a lot of pressure sure, but I guess its kind of a pressure that has built up over time for me.” She looked off over his shoulder, as she thought over the deeper implications of his counter questions. “I don’t feel as scared now I guess. When I was fighting Relmis I was calmed and focused.” She touched her stomach where the flesh was still taking ages to mend, she winced a bit and looked back down at her own datapad as Aidan checked his. She looked up when he did. Guessing that this might be the best time to ask him the question she had been considering since she had gotten her orders. “Well my Lord Moff and High Imperial Ambassador Finklehorn, may I say you are most welcome to join me on Scarif if you so desire.” She flipped him her own datapad. "I was there a couple years back and even if the mission is hard, it could be a nice place to relax." She laughed and took another sip of the rapidly cooling caf. “But really Aidan, change it or not, you have done your family name more than proud. Your mom scares the shit out of me, and I can’t imagine what your Dad was like. But I know you have more than made them proud. Sorry the name gets you all these side adventures though.”

Sandy absentmindedly tapped the edge of her metallic mug with the fingers of her left hand as she listened to him. She took another sip of the stimcaf, letting the bitterness slide across her tongue, and the artificial feeling of being wide awake began to slowly overcome her residual tiredness. She tapped her fingers again then a grin spread across her face at his wonderful news. Her green eyes flashed as she set the cup down and put both hands down on the table. “Well done!” She grinned widely. “I am so proud of how far you have come Aidan. I couldn’t have made it without you.” And she couldn’t have, she knew it. She cocked her head to the side. “Does that mean you will take on an apprenti- I mean a squire? Either way you deserve more than a break.” He wasn’t exactly falling apart, but the damage he had taken mentally was very obviously still affecting him. The dreams were just a symptom of the battle weariness and PTSD that was likely affecting not only Darkfire but an entire generation of Jedi and Imperial Knights. She tapped the datapad beside her with one finger. “I am being deployed at the end of the week myself. Away from the battlelines but its still dangerous. I am trained in some of the Healing Arts, would you like for me to try and help against the dreams at all before I go?” Her eyes widened for a second. “Oh I also have my own news.” She made her voice as cool as possible though excitement bubbled at the edges of her voice, “I have been promoted to Master for the events of the EV. All thanks to you of course."

Her green eyes snapped open from her half asleep meditative state at the first prick of Aidan’s voice. It took a second to fully adjust to reality but when she did she laughed, a pure laugh, not stained by any of the long exhaustion she had felt a few hours before. It was good to see him as well without the dark lines below his eyes. She held up her hands in a mock surrender and she stood up from her crouch. “Then caf we shall have. What’ll you have? Mass produced imperial, GA, Rebel, or Jedi variant? All of which is overcooked and burned to perfection.” She smiled and walked with him to the caf station in the small barrack mess hall where she selected a distinctly new variant supplied by the Taipani. She grimaced as she took a sip, vaguely wishing it had cream and sugar. She sat down across from him and grinned she wouldn’t spoil whatever news he had to give. “So….how did you sleep?” Taking another sip of what could have been the most bitterest cafe she had ever tasted.

Orders Sandy Sarna tapped the encrypted datapad against the open palm of her hand as she walked down the winding, prefab, halls of the rebel alliance command centre. The small, mass produced datapad still had its imperial emblem from manufacturing, now hastily covered with a sticker marking it as Rebel Alliance property. The bright red emblem, with its white circular outline, blazing awkwardly against the dull gunmetal grey of the datapad. She slapped it lightly again into her palm as her mind began to crawl its way through the days events. Masterhood, assignments, and she had heard a rumour from the scuttlebut of the station that Darkfire had received his long due promotion. She was so tired, but she could let that wait. She couldn’t wait to congratulate him and share her own news. And as her footsteps brought her into the Imperial Knight quarters she shared a smile with a few of the Imperial Knights she passed, though a particularly sly smile from one of them gave her pause. Was she coming here to fulfill other needs than just congratulating him? Some old desires that should have died back on Kashyyyk? She felt a flush creep up her cheeks before she forced it back down. The answer was clear, and the war left no time for that nonsense. And love, especially unrequited love, could wait until after the Sith were laid in their graves. She she drew on the force to calm herself and let her presence expand out, seeking where Darkfire might be. She found him rather quickly, but she could feel that he was asleep. She let her feet take her across from his door, leaning her own tired frame against he white panelled wall. She couldn’t wake him up, especially since they had been run ragged for the last two months. So she slid down the wall and hugged her knees to her chest. Burying her eye sockets in her bony knees and letting herself finally relax. She meditated, letting her presence echo visibly through the force, letting Aidan know should he awaken, that a friend was there to see him.

Pale skin flushed red with a grin as Sandy let her shoulders relax. She was tired, run ragged for the better part of six months, but still she could feel the excitement on the fringes of her mind. An actual chance to go out as a Jedi knight in action against the Sith? Had such a thing been done since Onderon and its great disaster? Could such a venture hold by its own without the vaunted Imperial Knights like Darkfire, Cassandra, or Eleison? Sandy perched herself on the edge of one of the spare desks and pulled one of the armour plates from her satchel, she put a gob of the polish on the edge of a cloth and began to meticulously polish the burned chest plate as the grandmaster laid out the plan. She kept her eyes on the laid out holographs and star charts as she polished. The wax based polish melting into the duraplast and buffing it into a clean shine. She glanced at the outdated imperial emblem embossed on its centre and smiled. She was grateful for what the imperials had taught her at Nal Hutta, but The Jedi could do this by themselves. “We have our approach avenue then, Shipping. Which lanes are we mining? And what fleet assets do we have on hand?” She thought of the ongoing slaughter at Kuat and shuddered. If there was anything she was good at, it was not commanding a fleet. But if it gave her the opportunity to attack the Sith, then she would take it.

Sandy stood and listened to her friend and the Grandmaster lay out the plans for the coming war. She had lost so many friends over the last few years of war that she could barely remember all their names. Some were lost on Coruscant, some were lost on Kashyyyk, Onderon, and a myriad of other worlds that had been devastated by the Sith Lords. She had felt herself being called towards the order led by the Empress of the imperial remnant for the last year, but the plans that Adenna laid before her showed the promise of her promotion to Grandmaster. The old order was gone, likely forever, and replaced by the order of war. Gone were the masters that proselytized pacifism and communing with nature. They were dead and buried in the ruins of Coruscant, Dathomir, and Kashyyyk. But many of the great masters had gone with them into the force, and Sandy could only feel the distant sting of regret that more had not been saved. She nodded solemnly. “It would be my pleasure and honour Adenna. You can count on my sabre.” She grinned widely and leaned over the holographic displays. “What is our first target?” She only hoped that she would have the time to visit Aidan before she was dispatched on another dangerous mission. But a knock came at the door and Kel Koon, looking tired but accomplished walked through the doorway. She smiled widely and beckoned him to come closer. “Grandmaster, may I introduce you to Kel Koon.” She looked at him slyly. “No longer my apprentice after his actions at the Maw. I bestow upon him the title of Jedi Knight with your permission.”

A Mastership? But she was nobody, she was no Xae-Lin, no Kyrie, no Jaina Jade, how could Adenna think she was ready for something like this? Her heart cried out as her pale green eyes took in the sight of the saluting troops, and she felt herself being embraced. It all came in waves and she was sure that her shock showed visibly on her pale face. Proud? Adenna was proud of her? She would have thought a year ago that she would have been long dead before ever getting to the rank of Jedi Master. But there had been struggles, there had been death, there had been love, unrequited as it was. She had been through so much, and even this didn’t feel like a victory, but she knew that it was. It was a scrap of hope to cling to, and even if she felt the sudden looming presence of responsibility on her shoulders, she knew that she could bear it. The Force was with her. She could feel that strength in her. She took a breath and saluted the troops gathered in front of her. They returned the salute, then it was a flurry of handshakes and congratulations before she found herself in a briefing room with Adenna. Her voice was strong but filled with emotion as she smiled at her old master. “It's been a long journey since I was failing to even move a stone on Tython hasn’t it? Through it all, I am honoured to have your friendship.” She smiled widely. “Is there anything you would have of me?” Her green eyes sought the Imperial Knight, Aidan Darkfire, but she couldn’t see him. So she looked back to the Grandmaster. ___________________ A comm arrived for @karyu128, Bidding him to join Master Sarna for a discussion

Sandy’s voice was slow and slightly slurred from the recent damage to her jaw but she told the story of their adventure from its beginnings on Gala to its end in the heart of the Maw. Including the wounding of her two apprentices, the loss of Tobias Vos, and finishing with her duel with the fallen knight errant. “I do not know how he fell, only that he was a destroyed man, and…” She looked down at her boots. “...I could not save him.” She considered pulling herself closer to Aidan for support but brushed it off, this was no place to embarrass her friend, and so instead she reached to her belt and withdrew Fynn Relmis’s lightsabre. The one she had been wounded by, and held it out to the grandmaster. Perhaps the only thing of value that she had gotten from the mission, but Fynn had been a friend of Adenna’s and Sandy felt that the gesture was necessary. “We made it through, though with the loss of the Eternal Vigilance due to his attacks. I apologize that I could not recover it intact.” She looked over to the dark haired imperial. “But Aidan did very well, faced fears and trials that I could never have overcome. I know that I am only a Jedi and have no power over this, but please give my recommendations to the Imperials that I recommend him for Imperial Knight. He did admirably.” She smiled widely through the pain.

Hyperspace swirled in a hypnotic fusion of deep blues, whites, and darks that flooded by the central viewport in a never ending wave. Every so often the whirls would be blotted out by a lurking dark shape of a mass shadow that flitted by as their ship made its way towards the small cluster of stars that was the Nal Hutta system. It gave here a good amount of time to reflect and she meditated on the mission and its disastrous results. It had started with a nearly lethal conflict and argument on Ossus, and now their group, much reduced, was returning beaten and bruised. She could feel the throb of pain and the spreading bruise around her jaw, and her mouth still tasted sour from the blood. But they had survived, Aidan had learned so much, as had Kel. But Sandy herself felt lost. She had killed a Sith Lord for sure, as much it had pained her both physically and metally, but the objective and all the secrets of the Vigilance were lost. Could the secrets of the illusive Augury or the blade masters have saved the galaxy from the Sith? She doubted it, not even Locke Starspanker, Kitt Fitt, or Obi Quiet could have salvaged the current situation. Or at least not instantly. They were in for a long war of partisans and death. And the Jedi would be in its centre. How that peace had been! A silent decade of recovery and stagnation, of terrorism and political strife, but there had been peace. Now peace looked as distant as...As what? Things working out in her favour with Darkfire? She shook her head. No. Peace was a goal and one she would likely give her life for, but that dream of love? Love was a passion he could not afford, and she knew it. She doubted any Imperial Knight could afford such a luxury, not to mention that feelings like that could objectively harm him. Could she put him at risk to achieve her own ends? To fall for a moment knowing that it cost the galaxy its future? Was love worth such a thing? But she chided herself. He didn’t feel anything for her anyway so what did it matter. The end result either way was pain. And she would be damned if she brought him down too. She could feel and hear his soft footsteps as he came into the cockpit, and a flickering look from her eyes saw him as he was. A strong man, confident if wounded. Careless before the weight of the galaxy and she grinned. She looked at the bruises covering him and considered if she was shirtless it would look much the same, bruise wise. When she spoke, her voice retained its low gutter Galan accent as she did not have the strength to try and correct it to something more core worlds. “Aye, it’s a lonely and brutally short life isn’t it. I am glad we made it out, but what do you think? We might have thirty six hours of shore leave before we go out again?” She laughed, then stopped when he asked if she wanted to get dinner. She nodded her assent and was about to say something clever but he had already turned to fetch his shirt. So she turned her seat and called after his retreating back, “I’d love to Aidan. Name the time!” But perhaps her voice was too desperate. And she felt a flush creep up to her freckles. After a debriefing and chastisement by lady Adenna of course, a nap, and another shower. But she was stuck with her thoughts for a bit as they made their final approach to the Nar Shadda landing approaches. The entire world was covered in the pallor of war. Star Destroyers flickered in the shipyards as hundreds of techs welded plates onto eroded sterns, or repaired destroyed turbolasers. And one glance at the holofeed showed that the galaxy was even more at war than when they had left. It did not take them long to navigate the military checkpoint, and within minutes of touching down, they were whisked before the Jedi Grandmaster. @Adenna Alluyen They were battered and bruised, but alive. And Sandy was glad for that. Sandy saluted in the military style, her boots clicking together as she greeted her one time master. She was a stern woman but an understanding one. And would be very likely interested in what they had to say.

She nodded stiffly, almost mechanically, she was so tired. And she fumbled at the clasps of her crush webbing for a moment before slowly standing up. Every joint in her body ached and screamed at her to stop and the blade wound at her belly screamed even louder. She took a deep breath and forced herself to slowly walk out of the cockpit and towards the refresher. She laid a tired hand on Aidan’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze before she stumbled off. The several meter walk to the refresher pod felt like one of the longest walks of her life and when the door finally slid closed behind her she leaned on it heavily. She let herself slide down its thin metal facade and the tears finally came. Pent up emotions boiled out of her as tears dripped down her face to fall gracelessly from her chin onto her scarred armour chestplate. Were the tears all for Fynn? No. It was a mix of everything, all the deaths, all the memories tainted by such a simple thing. Nearly ever good memory she had was stained by the tendrils of the darkside. Was nothing from before her capture and torture and...Her hand went to her abdomen and she sobbed in a breath, pulling her mind from then to look for anything else. Was nothing before then to be preserved? Every smiling face had turned to frowns, and every bit of memory was filled with choking despair. Where could she find her footing? Not in those blissful hours before the slavepits, not in the embarrassing minutes on kashyyyk. She took in a shuddering breath, even his eyes were so hard now. But she loved him none the less for it. Uhg love. She pulled at a sweaty strand of hair, trying to cover her emotions again by distracting herself. She pulled at the strand until a glimmer of pain started to edge out her feelings. She concentrated on that pain until she gasped. Her eyes flew open and she saw herself in the polished steel bulkhead that acted as a mirror in the cramped refresher. She let her grip on her hair slacken and she slowly shook her head. She had already defeated this ghost. A long time ago. She wiped at her eyes and let her emotions slowly settle. She wanted love, she wanted a solid ground to walk on. And perhaps sometime she would get it. But for now, there was nothing she could do but rely on herself. Plust even if they were tainted by darkness and embarrassment, the memories were good ones. She reached out to the sink and pulled herself up and slowly began to undress. She was a mess, a long burn arced across her stomach to end right below her right breast and some of the tissue was unevenly scorched, the bloody remains of her tunic having been burned into the wound itself. She opened the medical pouch on her belt which was lying on the floor and administered a bit of bacta gel and numbing agent, which would be needed before she got into the refresher’s shower unit. She pulled off her boots and trousers, pulling the sections of light armour off and stacking them diligently inside the shower. She looked at the chest piece and her finger traced the crest of the imperial knights and she let her eyes close. The tactile feedback of the engraved crest helping balance her emotions further as she began to steady her breathing. Her eyes drifted up to her reflection and she sighed. She looked away and stepped into the refresher’s shower. Tapping the button to dispense hot water and letting the flow run through her hair. It took several painful minutes of the heated water and soap flowing down her wounds before she felt close to clean. Then several minutes more for her mind to clear enough to think. Then she picked up each plate of armour and washed them thoroughly off all their muck and blood before she tapped the cold water button and nearly lept out of the shower from the shock of the cold water. She slowly dried herself off with a towel from the rack, then hunted in the cubbies for a spare flightsuit. Finding one maybe two sizes too big she slipped into it and stuffed her battered and bloody tunic into the disposal chute. She stacked the clean armour pieces next to her boots and making sure the refresher was clean for Aidan, opened the door and walked back out, brushing her tangled hair as she did so. The decking was cold on her bare feet as she walked the few meters back to Aidan and seeing him asleep she smiled. She sat down on the seat opposite him and stared out the viewport at the swirling lights of hyperspace for a few minutes before she finally spoke. “Aidan wake up. Your turn.”

The numbers ticked down as she accelerated the starship past its limits to pull them out of the tidal pull of the massive black holes. As the Eternal Vigilance collapsed into nothingness at the event horizon, the R5 unit blurted out a string of additional numbers and she jerked her tired arms to even out their course. When the turbulence settled into the long dark of a steady course through the minefield of micro black holes, she finally let her grip on the steering yoke relax and she slumped into her crash webbing. Her eyes drifting from the instrument panel to look down at her blood soaked form. Not all of it hers, though there was still a steady drip from her lips that fell onto the armour on her chest. Crushed capillaries and ruptured salivary glands had made a good mass of her cheek, and the steady drip of blood was unsettling. It was several moments before she could really feel the pain in her jaw, and she released the flight controls to place both of her hands on her jaw. She squeezed her eyes shut, then pushed, snapping the jaw back into its joints with a burst of pain that caused her to hiss an exhale. She blinked several times then tested a grin. Still very painful but at least her mouth wasn't hanging open like a fool. She wiped off her bloody hands on a scrap of her tunic that was only slightly sweat soaked, then programmed the autopilot to follow the R5’s and Aidan’s indicated flight plan. But every movement was exhausting and a glance over at Aidan told her he was likely worse for wear. She smiled at him again and nodded. “It would be much worse if they had gotten the location of all our secrets, but the knowledge died with Fynn luckily.” She looked back at her hands and suddenly found herself wishing they were very far away from the Maw. Back in the barracks of the Misericordia, polishing armour with a stupid crushing grin on her face. But all the good times seemed to slip away so easily. She wiped again at her hands to get her mind off of that uncomfortable feeling. “Do you want to use the refresher first?” He looked exhausted, and the encounter had nearly taken his life, she could pull on a little longer. She considered sending a comm to Kel telling him to meet them on Nar Shaddaa, but figured he would know to do so already. She was proud of him in a way, he had come so very far.

Sandy watched her apprentice run off to assist the scavengers and felt a great shudder run through her, and she quickly clipped her bloody lightsabre on her belt. Her hands and arms were covered in it. That blackened, burned, congealed blood that escaped from around a lightsabre blade. Almost like the juices that ran out of a well cooked bantha steak, and her hands were sticky from it. She shuddered again, letting her grasp of the force slowly fade, and the stiff reality of the beginning to set in. Her muscles were exhausted. Pushed beyond their limits, and her jaw hurt so much. She wiped at her mouth with the hem of her sleeve and it came away bloody. She looked back down at Fynn and reached out with a trembling hand to close his listless eyes. She took his sabre and her weapons, not as a trophy, but as a rememberance. She would have said words over him, but the ship was coming apart. Pulled ever onwards towards an event horizon that was fast approaching. This would be his tomb. Where his body would never be corrupted by the touch of star or night. It would be his sepulchre in the short minutes before the Maw consumed it all. The Eternal Vigilance was a graveyard now, but it was not her graveyard. Nor was it Aidan’s or Kels. And she was glad for that, she tried to smile back at Aidan’s joke as she stumbled to her feet but her mouth hurt too much to give anything other than a crooked grin. She nodded and followed him back to Master Tobias’ Ship, offering him an arm if he needed support. He looked drained to the bone as well, and Sandy almost blushed to think that he might have felt some of her own feelings toward him during her fight with Fynn Relmis. But she ignored the embarrassment, she was too tired now to even think it. The walk up the connection shute to the starship seemed the longest walk of her life. But only a minute later, she slid into the cockpit flight chair and punched the ignition sequence. As soon as the power came to life aboard the ship, a thousand warning alarms blared to life and were silenced by an angry strike at the warning board. "Aidan if you have any energy left, can you plot is a course out of this mess?" Her voice was a slurred mess from her broken jaw but she followed it with a strong hand on his arm. Giving him a push of reassurance. She was so proud of him. Their last few weeks of time together had taught her a lot about the man he had become. Her eyes slid off his exhausted face and looked back to the viewports as she kicked the engines into overdrive. And below them, the Eternal Vigilance. That once great vessel of the Jedi Order, began to break apart in the fiery gloom of the Maw.

A horrible storm was released with his final trap. Though it was slow at first, the icy wind picked up its speed as the doors began to open in earnest behind her. But she held her ground, placing her feet securely, pinning herself there with the force as she felt him weaken. His strength draining from him as he expended the last of it in a final futile act of hate. But he was overtaxed, and the strength left him utterly spent. The dark jedi let go of his grip on his anchoring lightsabre and slid towards her and the open gulf of the Maw, and so she did what she thought she must. She bounded forward and lowered the blade to intercept him. The glowing tip of the lightsabre caught him in the chest as she pinned him in place with a knee. But as his body slid onto her lightsabre blade she saw his smile. That momentary smile, and for a moment in her eyes that corruption passed away, that face was horribly mutilated in hate and anger was done away and replaced with the smile of a man from the distant past. That smile elicited a memory of a time on Tython, a transport, a lightsabre, hair tousled by a caring hand. The Argos. The preparation for the great raid on the slavers bay. A duel in his illusions, a kindly smile. She had been twelve, and still a bright headed little twerp, before...before that fateful mission. And that had been the last she had seen or heard from him. Though she had carried his gifted blade for seven years. That self same sabre that now impaled him. The one that he had given her so long ago. And that realization battered her more than anything that this Dark Jedi had given her. Fynn? Fynn Relmis? Fynn? “FYNN?” The cry was harsh and painful from her broken jaw and some degree of her own blood splashed onto him. Her emotions boiled over for a moment as she held him against her, tears surging forth to fall down her cheeks. She screamed the words against the howling wind, her face contorting in a scream of horror. While her sabre burned the life from him and her fingers were covered in his blood. She fumbled and the sabre extinguished, its bright light replaced by the fiery hue of the great Maw. She replaced her sabre blade with a hand to staunch the blackened blood from leaving his chest cavity but she couldn’t fix that wound. No one could. How had he fallen so far? And so she was left with him. Unredeemed and dead. Surrounded by the terrifying sounds of a ship groaning in equal agony. So it had been a failure all along. She finally tore her eyes off of Fynn Relmis and stood, the force strengthening her against the assault of the slow depressurization. She looked at the hull breach and took a stuttering breath. The force flew from her to form a barrier across the massive hanger bay doors, but it was not something that could last forever. She was exhausted and bleeding. Perhaps it was too late for Yava as well. “Aidan!” Her voice was desperate, as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “Kel! We have to go!” As if to accent this, the decking beneath her knees began to buckle slightly.

So he was human after all, as many monsters seemed to be when stripped of garments of rank and the filaments of power. Or so Sandy considered as she watched her metallic blow land its horrifying display upon the Dark Jedi’s face. He seemed so weak in that moment, but it quickly passed and she narrowed her emerald green eyes. Mostly to avoid the streams of sweat and blood that were busily threading their way into her eyebrows. Luckily it was not her own blood, at least not yet. She could feel a pang from her muscles, but she kept her blade up, strong and steady. She breathed in through her nose, expelling the pain and fatigue with the exhale, filling herself instead with the thrumming fire of the lightside that had been building within her. He spoke another taunt that left her unfazed. Love was enough for her, that love for Aidan, happiness from the last few years of life that filled her completely. There was no need to give into passion. No need to surrender to lust, to power. She was satisfied. Even if she never got to taste the fruit of that love. It was enough to feel it now and it filled her with joy in spite of his reckless taunts. That joy could not be extinguished, even when he recovered himself and began a ferocious counterattack. That fire stirred within her, fed by joy, love and happiness. It guided each and every movement of her blade and her stance. Her movements were light and willowy, deflecting the furious blows by adjusting her weight, letting the blade glide along her own. Never once taking the full ferocity of his anger. She didn’t need to waste her own strength to defeat his, her eyes watched his moves with determination. Detecting the intent all the while preparing her own counter, her mind never wandering from the weapons that lay on their clasps at her beltline. She could feel the singe of the hair on her wrist, the hem of her sleeve left smoking from a quick attack that nearly took her hand off. She brought the silver blade around to counter attack under his defense and she caught a strong elbow on her chin. She could feel more than hear a crack from her jaw coming out of its alignment and a flash of pain from her mouth. But it was not debilitating. She breathed out, letting the pain slide away and her grin, though now lopsided, remained as began to strike with a kick. It was time. It was now that she had to use that fire that she had built for so long. Despite the pain from her jaw, she knew she was in imminent danger if she kept within striking distance of this dark Jedi. So she counter attacked at his exposed limb with a flick of her blad towards his legs and leapt into a backflip away from the striking Dark Jedi. Letting him waste his energy on the strong attack. Though not as graceful as she may have hoped, or even imagined, the weapons on her beltline shot from their places towards the monstrous Sith. Dropping like missiles from a starfighter's wings as she leapt back. Three vibroblades of highly polished durasteel came first, propelled with all the force that mass telekinesis could muster. Ripping towards the Sith's centre of mass, where her lightsabre blade had left a multitude of entry points for them to potentially exploit. Then alongside, hidden in the darkness left from her leap came the parang. A leftover from the defeated Massassi Sith she had dispatched on Nal Hutta, it ripped forth from her belt, a glass wedge coming for his undefended neck. Into all these strikes she poured her fire. That unquenchable power of the lightside that flowed from herself to her deadly missiles. She landed lightly on her feet two meters away, near the crates the Sith had intended to hurl her into, bringing her blade up into a defensive makashi. She spat out a mouthful of blood and saliva and took another breath through her nose. She was ready for anything the Dark Jedi could hurl next. Her mind reached out for her friends as a line of blood dribbled down her chin to drip onto her polished armour and to redden her green tunic. But Aidan had defeated his enemy, he had defeated the fear, the pain, and the chaos. She could feel his mind on hers and she was glad. She could feel his victory and it stirred that love, joy, and happiness and so the fire rose again, and with it her blood dripping grin. ((3))