SW: Unexpected Fall (M-15)

[Guest]

Unexpected Fall: Tale of a Dark Gungan

Rated for: Language, content, drugs/alcohol, violence.

Critique level: CRITIQUE ENCOURAGED!

 

I will be posting the first chapter soon. But first, the prologue...

 

"Me'sa bein' very sorry, Durgal... I can't be helpin' you'sa anymore." The tall Otolan Gungan spoke to Durgal in his raspy, deep voice. "My warnin' you, it's bein' a dark place, da galaxy. You'sa be careful, okay?" The Gungan completed his statement, and handed the protocol droid next to Durgal an organic wrench. He bent down, and placed a hand on the teenage Durgal's head. "C-4FO will be takin' good care of you'sa. I am bein' sorry Durgal... But I have to be goin'. Boss Nass is needin' me for da Grand Army, robots be attacking the Naboo..."

 

"But!" Durgal protested. "You can't be goin', Dad! You'sa be all I be havin' left!" He said, wrapping his arms around the other Gungan.

 

The tall one just pushed him back, and turned away. C-4FO dragged Durgal away into the Machination...

 

Durgal's father later died in the Battle of Naboo.

[Guest]

Chapter One: Ambush on the Smugglers' Moon

 

A turn of a wrench was heard, and C-4FO quickly came to see what was wrong. Durgal and 4FO were in hyperspace, aboard the Machination en route to Nar Shaddaa with spices.

 

"Sir, is there a problem?" 4FO asked, watching at Durgal fixed one of the smuggling compartments.

 

"Foureffoh, is der eva a problem?" Durgal answered with a question.

 

"Well, not with you, sir. You seem handy with these kinds of things."

 

"More dan handy." Durgal stood, his arms covered up to his elbows with hydraulic fluid. "We'sa be pullin' outta hyperspace right outside of da Smuggler's Moon." He stated, and headed for the cockpit. "Soon, so you'sa betta be bucklin' up, Foureffoh." As he said this, he punched a few buttons and with a jolt the Machination pulled out of hyperspace right outside Nar Shaddaa. Durgal looked at the place, it was like a home to him. The scum that lived there, his brothers. He slid the yoke back, ready for the approach.

 

-----

 

As the Machination docked with the Smugglers' Moon's most prominent landing zones, Durgal talked aimlessly with 4FO as customs checked the cargo holds. He wasn't worried at all. They wouldn't find it, and even if they did he'd pay them off so it didn't matter. They officers left down the boarding ramp after five minutes, and Durgal went into the cargo hold with 4FO close behind. They each came out carrying to large black bags labeled "Nerf Meat." Durgal was sure by the sweet smell that everyone knew it wasn't that. But here, crime was normalcy.

 

Durgal and 4FO reached their prepaid speeder just a minute later, dropping the bags in the back. Durgal hopped into the pilots seat and quickly drove off to their destination: Rela Vack's apartment. He was a famous chef on Nar Shaddaa, using only the finest illegal delicacies, spices, and beverages. It was not three blocks from the station.

 

They arrived earlier than expected, and Durgal heaved the two bags over his back with his hands. "Stay here." He ordered.

 

"Yes sir. Do be careful in there." 4FO said, watching as Durgal entered the building. "Oh, how I hate crime lords..."

 

-----

 

A turbolift ride and a flight of stairs later, Durgal reached Rela's apartment and opened the door. A wave of perfume and expensive food filled Durgal's nostrils as he entered, walking on extravagant carpets and gawking at paintings he could never dream of owning. He turned the corner and placed the bags in front of Rela's lanky body. For someone who ate so much, he was so skinny.

 

"I see you've made it once again. I've come to trust you with my dealings greatly, Durgal. You always arrive early and with the cargo intact. I'm used to starships being blown to bits!" Rela said with a laugh.

 

Durgal exchanged laughs with Rela, and then opened one of the bags. "Da finest spice you'sa can be findin' on Coruscant." He said, taking a whiff. He handed the bag to Rela, and then held his empty hand out in a silent command. Rela handed him a card, with the exact amount of credits on it. Durgal smiled, taking the card and sliding it into his back pocket. He then turned, waving to Rela as he left his apartment.

 

Feeling good about himself walking out of the turbolift, Durgal thought about the things he could buy now that he's been paid. An apartment, an airspeeder, some upgrades for the Machination...

 

Durgal's fantasies were shot as he opened the doors to find the airspeeder trashed and 4FO in pieces. He hurried to the speeder, picking up 4FO's hand and one of his forearms. He let out a dissapointed sigh and let his shoulders slump - and he let his guard down.

 

A large Codru-Ji male crept up behind Durgal while he was grieving, and quickly picked him up and squeezed hard. Durgal's thin, slimy body slid out from his arms and reflexively, Durgal turned and kicked the man in the jaw. He staggered back only slightly, and came back at Durgal with a hard punch to Durgal's jaw. The Codru-Ji used his underarm to hit Durgal's stomach, and his upperarm on the other side to land a crushing blow on Durgal's skull. This knocked Durgal out cold...

Edited January 25, 2009 by Guest

[Reptilia]

There isn't much to critique right now but it looks good. Is it going to give a back story on your RP character?

[Guest]

Actually, yes. I'd like to give him a detailed past without taking up a bunch of room in the Character's thread.

[Guest]

Chapter Two: First Torture

 

Durgal awoke slowly, nodding his head from side to side. to try and clear his head. He saw a human doctor and the Codru-Ji... He tried to move his arms and legs, but they were restrained. He was laying on a diaganol, cold surface - durasteel. He managed to open his mouth and tried to say, "Where am I?" But all that came out was, "Wera mayeh?" The doctor looked at him, and started to hit some buttons on one of the machines keeping Durgal sedated.

 

"You are aboard the starship Harabeth. You were apprehended delivering illegal spices. This ship is a prison transport. You're on your way to Kessel." The doctor said, pressing a few buttons which made Durgal verticle. Something was moving towards him. Something on a repulsorlift and something adjacent moving on gears.

 

Dey'sa be torturin' me... F*ck. Durgal said, the floating ball coming closer. His vision returned as his head cleared... Only to be blurred again with drugs administered by the droid. No point in doin' dis... He thought while his head cleared again. Mild sedation.

 

"Where did you get the spices?" The doctor asked. Durgal was silent. "I was hoping not to do this." He said, adjusting soemthing on the other table, making it come closer to Durgal. He could feel the heat and electricity from the table. "Last chance, Gungan. Where'd you get the spices?"

 

"From a spice dealer." He said. The doctor sighed, and the table's many needles and burning pieces of metal and electric current generators made contact with Durgal's skin. He refused the urge to scream as the metal seared and fried his skin, creating a musky smell in the room. The electric current caused a giant line of skin to instantly burn across Durgal's moist chest. He grunted, taking the pain.

 

"Who were you taking it to?" The doctor asked, pulling the table back. Durgal turned his head.

 

"Someone who was payin' me'sa to be transportin' it." Durgal replied, and the orb moved in on Durgal's ribs and stuck a small knife in them. Durgal watched as the orb cut into him and injected painful acid into the wound. This acid decintegrated Durgal's rib cage as it dried up, and the doctor called a medical droid over.

 

The droid, carrying a large flexible durasteel plate perfectly fit for Durgal's chest and placed it inside, applying bacta and closing the wound, readying him for more torture.

 

"You've been through for hours of this and you've answered the same thing each time." The doctor said, motioning for the Codru-Ji to pick Durgal up as he unclamped his wrists. Durgal was confused, he didn't remember being conscious for that long. "Take him to his cell, he'll be waiting there."

 

"Wait..." Durgal said, in the Codru-Ji's arms. "Where my ship bein'?"

 

"In the hangar." The doctor answered. "You won't need it anyway."

 

-----

 

((Finish later.))

[Tiana Calthye]

Welcome to fanfic! It's great to see a new poster around here. Gungans too, no less? That's unique, I don't see a lot of those written about in seriousness. You have an interesting character. Good luck in RP! I don't really understand why he's being tortured, though. Doesn't seem like a huge deal to torture him over some drugs... hm.

[DarthBrendo]

This has been good thus far. A serious Gungan character has been waiting to be done. And I like the feel of this so far as well. Nothign to critique to much really.