(Original Story) - Star Wars: Shadows of the Galaxy

[Arlan Vass]

Star Wars: Shadows of the Galaxy

 

It is a time of great upset in the galaxy. Both the Republic and the Sith have launched into another war, both with no intentions of surrendering. The Sith have the upper hand, after conquering many of the Core Worlds that are now under their control. The Republic has been left with no other choice than to turn to the Jedi for assistance.

 

The Jedi Council has organized an assault team together to storm the planet of Grizmallt, an industrial planet taken over by the Sith near the beginning of the war. The planet is key for the Republic to help them build a larger fleet, in hopes of turning the tides of the war.

 

Julan Sepson, a young, aspiring Jedi, is a part of this assault team, along with his Master, Elias Reth. If the Jedi manage to re-take the planet, the Republic will be one step closer to ending the war, and bringing peace back to the galaxy”¦

 

PART I

 

 

Chapter 1

 

 

The Silent Stalker dropped out of Grizmallt's polluted atmosphere, travelling at a speed of nearly 900 km/h. It was a YZ-775, heavily modified. A fourth thruster was attached to the end of it, providing it with a much higher rate of speed than what it was initially made for. Two double laser cannon turrets were mounted on the side of the craft, along with two proton torpedo launchers. Despite its bulky shape, the ship was surprisingly fast. It was able to seat more than ten passengers, the crew not included. Though it was meant to be a transport ship, the Republic had decided to use it- and other ships of its exact same class- as both a transport and an assault ship.

 

There were six Jedi on board the ship. Julan took note of this as soon as he had boarded it. He recognized a few of them, but the others he had never met before. His master, Elias Reth, was sitting beside him. Elias was unable to tell his Padawan much before they had left Courscant. What he had told him, though, made sense to Julan.

 

Both he and Elias, along with the four other Jedi, were being transported to Grizmallt to help liberate the planet. The Sith had taken it over during the beginning of the war, and had been able to amass a much larger fleet than they originally had with the supplies they found on the world. Julan had been to Grizmallt only once before, to help Elias with diplomatic issues between the government of Grizmallt and Alderaan. It had gone relatively well, though the two planets launched back into war with one another after the Sith had taken over Grizmallt.

 

Now, Julan and Elias were going back; this time, to fight.

 

Julan looked at the other Jedi around him. There were two Humans, one Twi'lek, and one Falleen. Both Julan and Elias were Human. The other five Jedi were Masters; Julan was only a Padawan. He had been chosen by the Council to aid the other Jedi on this mission, despite his low rank. The Council had said, as had Elias, that he was extraordinarily strong in the Force. After only one day of open training with one of the Jedi instructors at the temple, he had been brought in as a Padawan by Elias. His skills with a lightsaber were exceptional, but his strength in the Force astounded even the higest-ranking Jedi at the temple. He couldn't help but enjoy the recognition he received from his teachers and fellow students. Though he tried not to let the small-time fame and recognition go to his head, he couldn't resist liking it at least a little bit.

 

A flash of bright, orange light suddenly appeared out of the corner of Julan's eye. He looked towards the explosion which was about five kilometers away. At least twenty Republic soldiers were on board that craft. He watched as it fell through the thick, brown air, and vanished from sight.

 

The other Jedi seemed un-phased by this, for they simply sat quietly in their seats, a few of them with their lightsabers already drawn, which were resting on their laps. Two of them were quietly conversing with one another, while the other three remained silent, probably contemplating the battle that lay ahead. One of them looked over at Julan and smiled at him.

 

He had seen this Jedi around the temple before. She was young; possibly in her early twenties. Julan himself was eighteen, though he looked much younger.

 

He returned her smile, before turning back to the window. He was about to say something to Elias, but was interrupted when the woman spoke up.

 

”œYou're Julan Raisuun, right?”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Wow....this is off to a really good start! You caught my interest and avoided information dumping at the beginning while still filling the readers in on what was going on in the state of the galaxy.

 

There were a few typos here and there--mostly skipped words like "to". Just watch for those.

 

I'm very intruiged to see how this plays out. Nice start.

 

Oh, one other thing--if the woman that talked to Julan is in her twenties, how can she be a Jedi Master already? She should have just been granted knightship...Do you have an explanation, or was it just that you didn't think about it?

 

I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!

[Arlan Vass]

Wow....this is off to a really good start! You caught my interest and avoided information dumping at the beginning while still filling the readers in on what was going on in the state of the galaxy.

 

There were a few typos here and there--mostly skipped words like "to". Just watch for those.

 

I'm very intruiged to see how this plays out. Nice start.

 

Oh, one other thing--if the woman that talked to Julan is in her twenties, how can she be a Jedi Master already? She should have just been granted knightship...Do you have an explanation, or was it just that you didn't think about it?

 

I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!

 

Thanks for the comment!

 

I'm planning on going over that later in the story. Don't worry.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Two things:

 

1) Julan seems a little too much like Anakin... in his abilities, I mean. You have hims famous for his incredible strength and control of the Force, impressing even the Masters, and for his lightsaber prowess. Be careful not to turn your perfectly good character into a Mary Sue.

 

2) You used too many simple, choppy sentences at the beginning, and, unlike Ami, I got a slight "information dump" feeling. Also, you said some things twice. Be careful of this.

 

 

 

I liked the latter half much better, as you got more descriptive and added a nice dose of action right away. I noticed some elements like you had in your other story, though - an extroardinarily young female Jedi Master, and that phrase at the end:

 

This would be a magnificent fight.

 

You had something very similar in your other one, I'm pretty sure.

 

Nothing really wrong with it, I guess, since it's in a different story, but don't let yourself fall into a rut. I promise you, you'll end up bored if you try using the same things - even the same good things - in every story you write. Trust me, I've done it.

[Arlan Vass]

That makes me want to start a totally different story. :/

[Guest]

I suggest using the word glorious it's underrated.

 

I liked the story, I didn't see anything it that reminded me of Anakin. The fact he's expectational in skill doesn't mean his story is the same, or the fact that others know of him and his fighting style.

 

I didn't find it choppy, I like that style of writing though. Crisp and to the point, too much description on certain stories piss me off. Such as Robert Jordan, it took him about 8 chapters to describe a dress.. freaking dress. When I read I want to know what's happening then and there. I do tend to put a bit of description into my stories at times, only if it's called for. I figure you'll do the same thing especially when the fighting as begun.

 

I read stories that appeal to me, I like this one. I rarely enjoy any Star Wars fan fics.

[Arlan Vass]

I suggest using the word glorious it's underrated.

 

I liked the story, I didn't see anything it that reminded me of Anakin. The fact he's expectational in skill doesn't mean his story is the same, or the fact that others know of him and his fighting style.

 

I didn't find it choppy, I like that style of writing though. Crisp and to the point, too much description on certain stories piss me off. Such as Robert Jordan, it took him about 8 chapters to describe a dress.. freaking dress. When I read I want to know what's happening then and there. I do tend to put a bit of description into my stories at times, only if it's called for. I figure you'll do the same thing especially when the fighting as begun.

 

I read stories that appeal to me, I like this one. I rarely enjoy any Star Wars fan fics.

 

That makes me want to continue my fic.

 

Thanks, Almira!

 

:]

[Arlan Vass]

Chapter 2

 

Julan never noticed the bomber dropping its payload until it happened.

 

There was an explosion to his right. Only one bomb dropped by the NTB bomber had managed to turn what was once a small spaceport into large, gaping crater. Smoke billowed from what was left of the structure, smoldering the dirty atmosphere. It turned the color of the sky from a color that was nearly auburn, to black.

 

This seemed to be the cue for the Sith, for almost at once, the troopers and AT-RT's opened fire on Julan and his group.

 

Julan's lightsaber was up before the first wave of blasterfire managed to reach him. He held his weapon with both hands, struggling to defend himself against the fire. He watched as Elias also struggled to defend himself from the attack, swinging his lightsaber around him to knock any blasterfire he could back at their attackers. Two troopers were struck by the deflected shots and fell to the ground.

 

The four other Jedi rushed forward, easily blocking several rounds from one of the AT-RTs. They split from one another, two of them going for one of the Walkers, and the other two going for the other one.

 

Julan ran forward, stretching his hand out in front of him. He used the Force to knock the remaining eight troopers to the ground.

 

Dazed, one of them got to their feet, shaking his head to try to get himself to focus on the fight. Julan saw this, and heaved his lightsaber at him, impaling the trooper through the chest. With a flick of his hand, Julan brought the him under his grasp, catching him by the throat. He grabbed his hilt and Force Pushed the man off of the blade, sending him into another trooper.

 

Julan turned around to face one of the AT-RTs, which had its' sights trained on the woman with the violet lightsaber. She had her back turned to it, preoccupied in a duel with one of the troopers who had brought the missile launcher to the fight. The Sith was using a vibroblade against the her lightsaber. Julan saw his chance and waved his hand at the woman, using the Force to quickly, but gently, cast her aside.

 

He had timed his move perfectly.

 

The AT-RT was just about to shoot the woman, but was caught off guard as she was pushed to the side by Julan. It fired a single round from its' repeating blaster cannon, but ended up striking the Sith that had been dueling her, instead. The impact of the blow threw the trooper backwards, and gave Julan enough time to make his next move.

 

He swung his lightsaber and free hand to the side of him, crouching low to the ground. The Sith Soldier sitting behind the controls was momentarily distracted after shooting one of his own men. This gave Julan enough time to concentrate on the Walker, and with every ounce of his power, he drove a powerful Force Wave at it.

 

The power of Julan's Wave was enough to blow the Walker backwards at least ten feet, before it toppled over onto the ground. It remained still. The man controlling the AT-RT wasn't visible beneath the wreckage.

 

He deactivated his lightsaber, noticing that Elias, along with the other five Jedi, had managed to finish off the other AT-RT, which was missing one of its legs, the Sith's head severed, as well. The Jedi had also been able to finish off the remainder of the troopers, with seemingly little effort. He walked over to Elias, who shut off his lightsaber.

 

Elias saw him approach and grinned.

 

”œThat was a battle that I will remember for a long time,”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Wow, that was quick. So they just got dropped off, cleared one little area, then are leaving? Interesting...

 

There were a few more things in this one. First, you don't need to capitalize so many things, like "Walker" and Force "Wave". Those shouldn't be capitalized.

 

Also, it was starting to get awkward referring to the "woman with the violet lightsaber". When she spoke with him in the beginning, she should have introduced herself if you were going to keep referring to her. I suggest that if she continues to play a part, you need to introduce her in the very near future. It'll help the story flow better, and we'll know even quicker who you're talking about.

 

And Arlan, don't let critisism stop you from writing! We critique because we're under the impression that you want to try to improve your writing--however there are some people on here who just want to post the story for the sake of posting it. If you want that, just tell us and we won't critique, we'll just comment on the overall story.

 

Overall, nice work. Looking forward to more!

[Reptilia]

Julan looked at the other Jedi around him. There were two Humans, one Twi'lek, and one Falleen. Both Julan and Elias were Human. The other five Jedi were Masters; Julan was only a Padawan.

 

I'm confused if there are six people how come you only listed the races of four of them? Other then that its a good story.

[Arlan Vass]

Elias and the four other Jedi boarded the ship. Julan followed suit.

 

One of the Republic soldiers who was already on the ship stood up and saluted Elias as he walked in.

 

”œSir, we're sorry for having to pick you and your group up so quickly, but we've just started an assault on one of the Sith bases. We could really use your help!”

[Reptilia]

Its good, but I want to know more about the other Jedi like their names.

[Tiana Calthye]

I thought there was a bit too much exposition in the beginning, too. Especially since your story is quick and to the point, snappy. Everything happens, bam, bam, bam. Like that. The beginning description didn't seem to fit in with the way the rest happened. I liked chapter two the best. It was a bit fast and I would've liked to see some more in it, but I liked that you didn't bog down the action with a million descriptions.

[Arlan Vass]

I thought there was a bit too much exposition in the beginning, too. Especially since your story is quick and to the point, snappy. Everything happens, bam, bam, bam. Like that. The beginning description didn't seem to fit in with the way the rest happened. I liked chapter two the best. It was a bit fast and I would've liked to see some more in it, but I liked that you didn't bog down the action with a million descriptions.

 

So in other words, I'm using too much description?

[Tiana Calthye]

Nope. The beginning of the story had too much information crammed into it, I felt. I don't think you're overdescribing at all.

 

"He moved, as if time had slowed, to bring his lightsaber up to deflect the shot that twisted through space like a streak of blood, and with a cry, it all flew back to real time and the bolt was bouncing off his lightsaber, a scar left on the concrete wall..."

 

Might be overdescribing. Sometimes it's better to just write "He deflected the blaster bolt with his lightsaber", and sometimes it's more fun to read that, and that's what you've got. It's nice and clean.

[Arlan Vass]

So is the comment you gave me before good?

 

 

It's okay, just tell me the truth. I need all the critisism I can get.

[Reptilia]

"He moved, as if time had slowed, to bring his lightsaber up to deflect the shot that twisted through space like a streak of blood, and with a cry, it all flew back to real time and the bolt was bouncing off his lightsaber, a scar left on the concrete wall..."

 

I actually thought that was pretty cool, anyway try and get the next chapter in by Tuesday. I also want the bad guys to win so add that in too.

Edited October 5, 2008 by Guest

[Arlan Vass]

"He moved, as if time had slowed, to bring his lightsaber up to deflect the shot that twisted through space like a streak of blood, and with a cry, it all flew back to real time and the bolt was bouncing off his lightsaber, a scar left on the concrete wall..."

 

I actually thought that was pretty cool, anyway try and get the next chapter in by Tuesday. I also want the bad guys towin so add that in too.

 

Lol.

[Reptilia]

"He moved, as if time had slowed, to bring his lightsaber up to deflect the shot that twisted through space like a streak of blood, and with a cry, it all flew back to real time and the bolt was bouncing off his lightsaber, a scar left on the concrete wall..."

 

I actually thought that was pretty cool, anyway try and get the next chapter in by Tuesday. I also want the bad guys towin so add that in too.

 

Lol.

 

I wasn't kidding.

[Tiana Calthye]

"He moved, as if time had slowed, to bring his lightsaber up to deflect the shot that twisted through space like a streak of blood, and with a cry, it all flew back to real time and the bolt was bouncing off his lightsaber, a scar left on the concrete wall..."

 

I actually thought that was pretty cool, anyway try and get the next chapter in by Tuesday. I also want the bad guys to win so add that in too.

I like bad guys winning too. But you don't have to change your story. The problem with my sentence was that it was wayyyyyy too run-on.

 

Arlan: They already covered the critique grounds of it. I'm critiqued out right now so I'll get back to you later with more details. What I left was a positive comment, mostly.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Good update. I'm glad you introduced the woman. The only thing I thought was strange was that Julan just focused on getting Shanna and Elias to the escape pod and didn't give a thought to any of the other Jedi who are now dead (or at least probably dead).

 

This section felt a bit too fast for me. I couldn't point to a single thing, but I suggest that you can relax a wee bit. Not too much because it's war obviously, but a little bit.

 

Good work.

[Arlan Vass]

Chapter 4

 

The landing of the pod landing on Grizmallt's rocky surface wasn't a pleasant one. Both he and Shanna were thrown from their seats after the pod landed on the side of a small but steep hill, and proceeded to roll down it. After it finally came to a stop, the three of them were tangled up with one another on the floor. The window at the top of the pod couldn't be seen out of, giving Julan the impression that the shuttle was upside-down, which prevented the hatch of the craft from opening.

 

The pod was completely dark. There were no lights within the small compartment, and it was tilted at such an angle, that no light could come into it from the outside. Julan could hear Shanna groan in pain as she attempted to sit upright. There was no movement from Elias, who was next to Julan. He was still unconscious, and was now lying on the floor. Despite the pitch black darkness that filled the pod, Julan could tell that Shanna was attempting to find a way out of it.

 

”œThey really ought to put safety harnesses in these pods,”