Healing Hearts

[JediKaren]

wow I am really behind on this story. Ok, time to get posting

 

Ch 12

 

Sarafire wasn't given much time to ponder the meaning of the old Jedi's meaning before the door slid open and Partin was allowed back in. Partin had a face of suspicion and displeasure, as if she was not at all happy that Sarafire was still here. Sarafire herself was not particularly happy to see the other girl. Both knew that they were being watched carefully and manners were expected. So both held back rude comments and hid as best they could their emotions. At least, that is what Sarafire hoped.

 

”œFight each other you will, but obey the rules this time.”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Good plot, but still too much passive voice. Also, don't refer to Partin as "the girl" quite so often as you do. When you do it twice in two successive sentences, it sounds clumsy.

[JediKaren]

Dude, it's a story. Stop going grammar crazy on me. This isn't the publishing company. Just enjoy the story.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Well, sor-RY, I was only trying be helpful.

[Tiana Calthye]

Well, sor-RY, I was only trying be helpful.

Please keep in mind the new rules of Jedi.net fanfic and ask before giving critique if the author has not indicated they want it in their beginning post. It's to prevent blowouts like this. Please don't be spiteful about it, not everyone wants critique as much as you and I do.

 

JediKaren, edit [CRITIQUE DISCOURAGED] into your first post if you want to avoid comments on your grammar issues. I made the rule after some dispute between users--some want it, and others don't and this way everyone knows right from the start that it's not wanted. This is a newer rule which wasn't in place when you started posting the story.

 

Welcome back, glad to see you start posting this story again!

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Can I post "I didn't like it" or does that count as critique?

[JediKaren]

I'm going to ask that you don't comment on the grammar. These chapter have been edited and I get a daily lecture about grammar from my editor. I don't need another one. If you have negative comments about the actual material, fair enough. Although I should warn you, I've written many chapters ahead and I'm not changing the story.

[JediKaren]

Ch 13

 

She worked on the garden for a full hour before he came. She dug up the weeds around her little garden and around the bigger garden. She had loosened the dirt in the beds, allowing the plants more freedom to grow in the loose dirt. She even checked all the plants to make sure they were healthy and they were. She had just finished watering the plants when he slowly walked in.

 

He made his way through the garden, inspecting her work. He made no sound or sign of how he felt about her work. Sarafire nervously fingered her nearly healed wrist. She stopped when she realized this. Her anger had died out a while ago and now it felt that fear was taking its place. She found herself worrying over her work and if he approved of her own little garden. She was attached to the little bit of land he had given her and there was pride to be found in her plants.

 

Finally, he completed his circuit and sat down on the bench. He patted the stonework, inviting her to join him. She shook her head, too jumpy to sit still. Instead, she stared at the dirt covered floor, trying to resist the urge to touch her wrist again. All she wanted was an answer to her burning question.

 

”œHow is it?”

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I'm going to ask that you don't comment on the grammar. These chapter have been edited and I get a daily lecture about grammar from my editor. I don't need another one. If you have negative comments about the actual material, fair enough. Although I should warn you, I've written many chapters ahead and I'm not changing the story.

 

If an editor is missing glaring mistakes, it's just cause for getting a new one. Taking five minutes to shore up a little (or a lot) of passive voice is only helping the overall quality of the product. I don't know why that's such a pain in the ass for someone. When I posted my fanfic story and Dartha caught a miniscule punctuation error, I immediately leapt to the "edit post" screen.

 

I read this chapter and was blown away by the lack of a proper noun in the opening part, despite the use of multiple pronouns. So I didn't know what this was about until later. The rest was decent enough.

[Tiana Calthye]

The fact is, not everyone writes with the same level of seriousness as certain other members of Jedi.net (as shown by the discussion leading to the critique or not to critique rules). Some people write only for fun. Since she doesn't want her grammar critiqued, just leave it be.

 

Though I do have to agree with LAP--if your editor is missing a notable amount of mistakes, it might be time for a new one. The point of having an editor is that they fix the problems so you don't have to.

 

I find it interesting how your stories sort of document a Jedi's training and life. It's different than the typical 'save the world' fanfic and sort of peaceful.

[JediKaren]

Yes thank you! this is a story, a fun one. I'm not getting this publish. I don't give a care about passive voice or whatever. Just enjoy the story. Otherwise I see no point in me posting this.

 

Warning: The first part of this chapter may induce a feeling of peace and sleepiness. Read at your own risk.

 

Ch 14

 

Snow was a rare thing to the children of the temple. The weather around the great city was controlled for the most part. There were four seasons, a warm, a hottish, a coolish, and a down right cold season. For Sarafire, it was a down right, way too cold day. And it was snowing.

 

When it did snow, it didn't snow that much, but it seemed to be plenty for Sarafire. She loved to sit at some window and watch the snow for hours, only most of the time she couldn't do that because of classes. Today was different. She had no classes and no where she had to be. She had woken up that morning with no orders about what she was to do or where to go. So when she walked out of her room and looked out a window, expecting to see another cold morning, she was given a pleasant shock.

 

She took some time to look at the snow and found it took great effort to tear her eyes away from the pretty sight and go to the dinning hall for some food. It didn't help that she saw small children dancing outside in one of the small, outside gardens. She used to do that, but now that she was older, it was looked down on. Also, she bitterly told herself, it was freezing cold. Yet, her longing heart wanted to be with the snow and not getting food. She quickly ate her small morning meal and hurried to her favorite window.

 

The window was located in a lonely side hallway. Almost no Jedi were ever seen there and it had no use to children, except to hide in a game of hide and seek. She claimed it to be her hallway and there many days were she hid there, completely alone and forgotten. The way she liked it. The window in this hallway was a large, tall one with a ledge inside that made a perfect window seat. She would curl up in the seat and stare outside, pondering her miserable existent.

 

Today she hurried from the dinning hall to her window. It was still snowing and thickening. She curled up on the seat, tucking her thin legs against her chest and squirmed a bit to get comfortable. She leaned her head against the cold, thick glass window, and started to stare.

 

The snow was beautiful to her. It was so much different from rain. Rain always depressed her. Rain was wet, grey, dark, and cold. She found no joy in rain, just depression. Snow was different. Snow was a pristine white. Each flake was different. Each one was a work of art. The snow was silent and fell in a mesmerizing fashion. Snow made the world looked different, painting everything with a coat of white. Snow made everything look new and innocent from the harsh reality of the city. Snow even made the old young and the young younger.

 

She noticed after a time that she was calm and quiet. Her mind was blank and open. She found the state strange, like a meditation. But was this meditation? It did not seem like the meditation the Jedi had taught her. This was different, in a good way. She felt like she could do this forever.

 

”œPretty is it?”