Mace's little Brother

[Tarkin]

Mace's Little Brother

Even though Mace was born Haruun Kal, one year later his parents move to a small mid rim gas planet called Kulg Gartaf. The planet has no moons or rings. The planet is in the Egeg system and has a diameter of 13,341 km.

It seemed as if Mace's mother got pregnant right when they got there. The baby's name, Mut Windu. The most exciting part of Mut's life was at the age of 11.

A force wielding mad man had broken out of a near by prison, his name, Silas Opener. No one would have guest he would try attacking Mut.

Mut was just going home from a day at a reading, writing, math school. Luckily Mace went to the same school and had seen Silas a second before Silas had started using the force to tear mut in half. Mace had recognized Silas from mug shots of him on the holo net. Mace struggled to keep his brother in one piece while others ran in fear.

After 15 minutes Silas started pulling with the force on Mut's jaw, toes, fingers, even teeth and eye balls.

After a mind blowing 45 minutes authorities had captured Silas. Mut only suffered a dislocated shoulder and a sky blue force scar around his left shoulder that remained for the rest of his life.

Mut Windu was killed at the age of 55 by Darth Vader.

Edited February 4, 2007 by Guest

[Jidai Geki]

That's the shortest short story I've ever seen.

 

Even though Mace was Haruun Kal,

 

Presumably, you mean "born on Haruun Kal".

 

Your tense usage is also inconsistent. You use the present simple and then switch to the past simple.

 

The babies name,

 

Baby's name- this is a possessive.

 

Mace struggled to keep his brother in one peace

 

Piece.

 

To be honest there's not a whole lot of positive feedback one can give on this. It's riddled with grammatical and orthographic errors, is incredibly short, and isn't very engaging.

 

What are you trying to accomplish with this story? This does nothing to introduce a new character, nor does it enrich Mace Windu's back story.

[Tarkin]

I know about the grammer and every thing, but it did introduce two new characters, and told about Mace's history

Edited February 4, 2007 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

If you know about them, you should try fixing them. Honestly, I'm glad to see you trying to write a story rather than a poem or something... but you have to learn to show, rather than tell. Get in the new character's head and show us what happens. You know. You have an interesting plot idea, you just have to write it in such a way that it engages readers.

 

[Tarkin]

Yeah I couldn't really do that with this story, but I'm getting to a nother story. Hopefully the Lord will find new ways to motivate me.

[Tiana Calthye]

You could try one of the challenges in the "Moment you've all been waiting for" sticky. They might motivate you.

[Tarkin]

Yeah I know about those. I'm trying for one of those that I think is in the ackieves. Also wouldn't you say this is in the top ten most violent story of Star Wars history.

[Tiana Calthye]

Not really. Unless you're talking about the story you're going to write, in which I can't say. Here's a tip. Run your story through a spell checker and read over it once before posting to make sure you've got those grammar mistakes fixed. Those will make things a lot easier for us to read. Have fun.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

This reads more like an obituary or a bio than like an actual story. I would say, if the most exciting part of his life was when he was 11, then make a much bigger, longer, more detailed deal out of that; write it either from his viewpoint or Mace's. And I'm sorry, but the name is just really hard to get past. I keep thinking of a mixed-breed dog.

[m80493]

A mixed breed dog is spelled mutt. When I read Mut, I read it as Mute, it sounds cooler than Mutt. If it was in Expanded Universe, I would of taken it as fact, very good job in the over all idea.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I'm not stupid, I know how to spell the word meaning a mixed-breed dog. And I read the word in between "mutt" and "mute." But it still sounded close enough to make me laugh.