JediKaren

Last night had only been a temporary relief. The pain, the anger, and the fear all came back by the end of her first class. The math class was once again a nightmare, but worse than ever before since the teacher looked at her hopefully for a volunteered answer. She had no answers this time and did not feel like speaking out again. After class, the students made fun of her one day out of character. They questioned Sarafire about her whereabouts and tried to get her to confirm a rumor she was in trouble with Master Yoda. She kept her mouth shut and refused to answer any questions. She pushed her way through the gathering students and went on with her day. What really broke her heart was she had seen this coming. She knew the peace wouldn't last more than a day. It was too crazy to think of such a thing. She knew the day spent in a garden, as pleasant as it was, was a huge mistake that she was going to regret later. The kids never stopped teasing her and anything she did out of her normal pattern was just more ammo to hurdle at her. Sarafire reflected that it might not be so bad to fail and be thrown out. At least she wouldn't have to put up with this terror anymore. She skipped dinner, not hungry because of the roughness of the day and went straight to her room. Her stress levels were high as were her negative emotions. She tore at the long bandage with one hand, desperate to remove it. She had to cut again. Her mind would not allow any other thought than that. Her body craved for it. She was going to explode if she did not find a way to release the wind whirl of emotions. She growled at the tightly bound cloth, pulling, tugging, and trying to tear it. She unfortunately didn't have anything to cut it so she kept on. Finally, she gave up and glared angrily at her arm. It was then it dawned on her. Use the Force. She closed her eyes and gathered what energy she could gather and focused its power on the bandage. There was a slight tug to feel as the end of the cloth was pulled out. That was enough for her. She unwound the rest with her right hand and discarded the roll half way across the room, never wishing to see it again. She picked up the razor she had earlier located and put it near her arm. Her hand, then arms, and then whole body began to shake. There was an argument going in her head. She knew it was wrong to cut, but she also knew she had to. This was an addiction she couldn't, wouldn't stop. It was more than just letting the pain out that drove her to this sin. It was the addiction of relief she would feel as the pain sliced up her nerves to her brain. It was that she could control herself in a way the Jedi hadn't forced her to know and practice and believe in. The blade started to cut through her skin. She ignored the loud cries of her mind telling her to drop the blade and yelp in pain. Instead, she pressed her lips together and kept cutting. Her body cringed and begged her to stop. She wouldn't. It was the feeling, the wonderful relief to know she was truly alive. Sarafire would have kept cutting a long wound except that there was a knock at the door. She dropped the blade and cursed out loud. She knew exactly who it was and she knew she was in trouble. She looked around the room for the bandage, but realized she could not hold the Grand Master long enough to get the bandage on and still be able to explain herself. Yet, she didn't like to show up at the door with a fresh, bleeding cut. Somehow, all the lovely relief she was enjoying had left her and was replaced with panic and anger. It was so unfair, so seemingly planned for the master to show up just as she had started her sin. It was almost like he knew and wanted to get her into trouble. There was another, louder knock. The sound was sharp and demanding. She had to open the door. There was no excuse, no apology, or lie that could get her out of this. She shoved the razor back in its hiding spot and kicked the bandage underneath the bed. She half ran the short distance to the door and opened it. ”œHello Sarafire.”

Ch 15 Karen This was another one of those boring, slow parts of adventure. The tour of the government building was boring as anything. I really have no interest in government. Sure, the building itself was impressive and the feeling of being surrounded by rich, famous, and darn smart people was stronger than the Force, but that still didn't make the feeling of boredom go away. We walked down another boring hallway. My thoughts drifted off to other things. I decided to test the Force, figuring only my master would notice and he shouldn't have cared if I did or didn't. If I thought I was bored, the Force here was far more boring than I was. The feeling I got from the building was a mindless droning of not quite paid enough employees slaving away for spoiled rich senators whose ego were far too big. The building seemed to be purely drama, emotions flying over all with little swirls of activity centered in different areas of the building. Well, that was the best way I could explain it to someone who wasn't experiencing the feeling for themselves. I dug further into the Force, looking for something to distract me while I stared mindlessly at meaningless, non offensive ”œart”

Cleaning her room was a much harder task than digging and watering a small garden. In truth, the tasks involved the same amount of thought, effort, and physical activity, but there was one new element that was not present in the previous task. Cleaning her room was much more a mental challenge. There was something mentally hard about it that made her put it off and then complete with great difficulty. She did not understand why she was spending her time sorting, folding and putting away her clothes that were to be found in all corners of the room. She did not see the point in making her bed when in some hours she would be asleep and under the covers. Dusty the significant dust and dirt from various counters only made her sneeze and caused her eyes to water. She discovered bad tests that made her depressed and feel worse about herself. And then there was the slight panicking feeling of not enough time to climb the impossible mountain of the task. She kicked herself for putting it off and then quietly cursed the Jedi master for rudely butting into her sad life and having the nerves to demand that she straighten herself out when there really was no point. Overall, the experience put her in a bad mood and she felt that she learned nothing. Sarafire barely had seated herself on her semi neat bed, wiping away the sweat from her forehead. She looked at the time to see she had just made it and the master was due any moment. She scanned the now clean room and wondered how she managed to change her room so much. The room didn't seem to be hers anymore. It lacked her characterizes of obscene chaos and a dark atmosphere. She had gone so far to put the lights on full power, chasing away the daunting shadows that stretched on her usually dark walls. There was a now familiar knock on her door, signaling to her that the master had arrived and on time as she glanced at the time. She opened the door and stood back a step to allow the master to inspect her room. Again, she silently cursed him, hating the feeling of having to be proper without sound logic behind her actions. The master walked in without comment and made a complete, small circuit of her tiny room, poking and prodding at odd things. He ended his trip to the bed and sat down like normal. There was look of approval on his face and Sarafire found herself letting out a breath she was not aware she had been holding. ”œI passed?”

Sarafire woke up that morning, feeling strange. It was not that she was angry, or scared, or simply worried, but a confusing combination of all three emotions, tossing and turning within her, making her feel not quite awake or sure what was going on. Perhaps it had to do with the fact she knew today was not going to be a normal day. She was too used to the dull routine of getting up, getting breakfast and going to classes, getting dinner, staying up for a while, and then going to bed. She rarely didn't go to class unless she was sick or for some reason the class was cancelled. A completely free day of classes was unsettling, and felt wrong. She dragged herself from her warm bed, looking at the time and wishing she could sleep in. Yet, Master Yoda had wanted her to get up and be ready shortly after the sun rose. She wondered why she was getting up if she was only going to spend time in a garden. His request to wear outdoors clothes made her think she was going be digging around in the dirt. That didn't sound like much fun, but then again sitting in a boring classroom, listening to painfully long lecture wasn't much better. She sighed to herself and headed for the shower. She came out ten minutes later, wet, clean, but still not very awake. There was something in the air, well maybe the Force, that felt awkward and would not leave her alone. She thought about the feeling as she dressed herself. She pondered it, looking for words to describe the feeling as she tied up her hair into a high pony tail. It was when she was about to open the door on the way out, did the word finally come to here. It was a simple word, but one with much meaning that described her perfectly: dread. It was dread that crept up on her during the night. It was dread that made her have strange, vague dreams of the unknown. It was dread that made her muscles tights, her mind closed, and her heart pounding. She dreaded what was to come on this uncertain day. She found the garden not far from the master's quarters. The garden was small with four little triangles full of delicate, colourful flowers and little shrubs that outlined each triangle. The dirt was a neutral, dark brown. The triangles were spaced with stone walkways that met up to a central circle with two miniature, grey stone benches. Above her was a glass ceiling, allowing the warm, bright, rosy light of the early sun to shine upon the pretty scene. Sarafire let out a sigh of relief. She had been envisioning a much bigger garden with tough, light brown solid that would be hard to dig the many plants. Instead, she found a small, private garden that could not have much work for her to do. Maybe she would only have to spend an hour or two and then be released for the rest of the day, free to do what she wanted. ”œCame early you did. Good.”

Ch14 Mirmo I walked through the messy, narrow, and short hall of the dingy apartment to the room where my apprentice was sleeping. The door was shut. That was strange. She had kept it open last night. The door opened, and closed a thought of worry within me. Inside was the ever still lump of quiet and peaceful looking young woman. The blanket was half off her body and her hair was its normal disaster. I called out to her in a not-so-quiet voice to wake up and eat her breakfast. She grunted, telling me she was awake before I had opened the door and was now testing me to see if I would give her five more minutes. This was a game I allowed to go on at the temple because there was time to be lazy, but not now, not on this trip. I sternly told her to get up, have a quick shower and put on the new set of clothes that Nea provided again. That man sorely needed a woman in the most desperate way. I closed the door to give her privacy, but did not come back into the common room until I heard large amounts of grunting, moaning, and things falling over, being followed with curses. Twenty minutes later she came out with wet hair, tight dark blue pants, a deep "V" cut, red silk shirt with long expanding sleeves, with a black glossy belt made out of real reptile skin. Her hair was pulled back in a simple style and she wore the black boots from yesterday's outfit. She was not quite sexy looking or beautiful, but came off as classic, rich, screaming power and knowledge. Truth be told, it was the perfect outfit for today's events, but Nea did not need to be informed of that information. Nea gave her breakfast and I reviewed the day's events so she would know exactly what was going to happen. She nodded every so often and to my surprise came up with a few modifications of her own. For all the immaturity she can display at the worst times, she had a strong, confident mature side of her that reminded me why she would make a great Jedi-knight. When she was done eating, we gathered our few supplies needed for the trip and headed off with Nea to his cloud car. We took our time driving around the city, slowly heading up. I wanted Karen to see more of the city and understand what life is like here at the center of the galaxy. By now, some of the glamour was wearing off, though Karen still could not get enough of it. What was even stranger is she was clearly a nature lover and despised large concentrations of human contact. To distract myself from the boredom of our surroundings, I focused within myself and evaluate through a meditation process my current emotions and control over my mind and body. By doing the meditation, I can discover any cold developing in my system and become aware of hiding stress, fear, or anger. I have tried to get my apprentice to do this, but the attempts are merely attempts with little success. I put that thought out of my mind and solely focused on myself. My stress levels were doing well as well as my emotions, but the deeper I looked, the more of a feeling I got. Focusing on that feeling brought out a feeling of worry about the future. I labeled this as a warning provided by the Force, telling me there was danger near by in my future. The danger did not center on me, but someone close. There was no name or image to go along with the warning, leaving me mystified and thoughtful. ”œHey Mir, waking up from that nap of yours would be good, at any time now.”

For the first time in a year, Sarafire was happy. She had woken up refreshed, rested, alert, and full of an emotion she couldn't really understand: joy. She didn't even need her morning shower to shake away the last bits of sleep from her mind and body, but the shower made her better. She ate more than usual, which was still practically nothing, but the food tasted better and her stomach was more receiving to the meal. Her day had a shine, a tint of hope that kept on. She found her classes interesting and her work worth the time to do. And she found herself doing something she had never done: volunteering to answer a question. She raised her hand a little beyond her head, trying hard to keep her rosy cheeks from showing. The teacher had been looking around for the usual people to call on and suddenly spotted Sarafire. The math teacher did a double take. ”œMiss Sunn? Is something wrong?”

Ch13 Karen I went straight to bed, not pausing to wish anyone good night or the Force be with them, but straight to my room, where I undressed and climbed into bed. I shook my head on the pillow, trying to block out any thoughts about the meeting. Yes, the meeting was disturbing, as well as education and interesting, but tonight I needed to focus with a clear, calm mind. Tonight was the night I teach and help Luke Skywalker project out of his body. I already knew that around this time Master Skywalker would have crawled into bed and if the Force was with me, he would be in a light sleep, perfect for what needed to be done. I also took the time before we left for the trip to peek into his bedroom so to have no trouble projecting myself into his room. I settled down in my bed, stilling my body into a peaceful sleep, but kept my mind alert. I took a deep breath, shook out the restless energy residing in my mind and body. Projecting out of your body, even for an experienced practitioner like me, is not easy, even if I perform it most anywhere and anytime. To me, I have found the key to projection is knowing yourself, not what people think of you or your image in the mirror, but the true you. You need to know your soul, your spirit. Only then can one achieve unity and then separation from the body. That is the part most people struggle with. It's strange because I have spent so much time trying to run away from myself, yet I still could find my soul. I allowed the image of Master Skywalker's sparse room fill my mind. At least that's not hard. I have a wide, active imagination and can easily picture anything. If I have already seen an object, like a bed, it is even easier. His bedroom was simple. There was a low bed, a light standing in a corner, a book self, and a dark wooden night table. The room would be dark and quiet. I pictured myself standing at the doorway, what view I would have and then stopped day dreaming. I focused on my soul leaving my body, sort of peeling away and then standing in the spot I had conjured up. There are times when I question if I ever daydream this and how to tell if what I am doing is real. When I project and truly leave my body, I know. It is the difference of imagining a room and standing in the room. One instantly and instinctively knows the difference, even half asleep and drugged. It is like asking how to tell the difference between the dark side and the light. It is fairly obvious which is which when presented with one or the other. If I must be pinned to more solid reasons why I know these projections are real is because they aren't dreams. The content of all my dreams that I have ever had never ever come close to the events that happen while projecting. The scenes, the detail, people, the movements, and the dialog are nothing at all like my dreams. Furthermore, when I project, I can still be consciously aware of my body and my surroundings in ways I never have or will be in my dreams. There may be times that I question, but I always come back to the same fact. These projections are more real than what humankind foolishly calls reality. Through closed eyes, almost displayed like a hologram, I saw the room Master Skywalker slept in. I took a step forward and looked down at my feet, covered in my normal boots the Jedi had given me. It was good to be back in Jedi clothing and not be displayed like a fancy, eye catching doll. The change in clothing did not bother me because when projecting anything and everything was possible, even stuff you didn't know could or believed could happen, did. This projection should be fairly simple and ordinary. My job was to help another person come out of their body. Nothing weird was to be expected, but I also had been through enough to know nothing was ever straight forward. I walked over to Master Skywalker's bed, staring at his peaceful sleeping figure. His eyes were relaxed and not moving, meaning he had not fallen into REM sleep. While one can project through REM sleep, it would be better for me if he hadn't gotten to that sleep stage. Watching him sleep was strangely addicting, but a nagging voice wouldn't let me relax. I knew I was stalling. I knew I wasn't sure what to do next. The trouble was, I never had helped someone project this way. I always told someone over a computer what to do, not project to them and then guide them through. My mind turned back to why I was chosen and not someone else. True, I had years of experience of projecting and giving advice, but I still couldn't understand why me. I had been given this task by the dead Jedi who existed through the Force, and had to wonder why they didn't do themselves. What did I have that they didn't? Was it simply because I was alive? Perhaps it was easier for someone alive to help another living being project? Maybe the first timer would incur less shock? I scolded myself for getting off track again. The main problem was, I wasn't sure how to reach the soul of Luke. I didn't know how to awake his soul and make his soul aware of me. I reached out to the Force, for the Force always had an answer if you knew what question to ask and how to interpret the answer. I scanned the Jedi in front of me, being careful to probe lightly into him as to not wake him up. The sleeping person before me felt alive and awake in a sense. I could tell he was aware of me on some level of his consciousness. Carefully, I probed closer to his mind, looking for a response from his soul. I felt something, something I could not explain fully, but like when a person first opens their eyes to realize they are awake and don't know where they are. I tentatively stood next to the sleeping, still body and put an astral hand on his I which laid on top of the sheets. The physical hand was still, yet another hand, more like an image of a hand appeared. My eyes widened in shock. He was becoming aware of his soul and thus his astral body was coming out of his ”œreal”

She stood in front of the Jedi Council, shaking worse than ever before. Her left arm had no white bandage, but was naked and bleeding. She gripped the cuts tightly, but it made no difference. There was no way to hide the blood from the all knowing eyes. She was here to hear her fate. Her sentence would be delivered here. It was her ultimate doom. She could not go out peacefully, like a Jedi would. She was no Jedi. She stood there, her arm throbbing, and tears raining down her cheeks. She felt like she had committed a horrible crime and now she stood at the mercy of a judge, who knew no such mercy. ”œSarafire Sunn?”

Sarafire spent the rest of the day in a great emotional turmoil. She was horribly mortified that the Grand Master of the Jedi Order had discovered her shameful secret. She humbly apologized to an angry math teacher, wilting under the teacher's glare, wishing she could explain herself, but somehow she did not think the teacher would buy her excuse of being dragged away by the might and awe inspiring Master Yoda. Few students were ever invited in by the master himself and she did not think she was the type of person who deserved such a privilege. She was still very much convinced the master was working on getting her a ship that would flee her sorry soul out into the huge galaxy, far away from the noble minds of the Jedi. Sarafire blamed herself for this, knowing all too well she brought it upon herself. Once again her downfall was her clumsiness. If she had just been more careful of her sleeves, she would not be in this nerve wreaking position. It was strange to say that she was sorry to go when she knew this would be for the best. Despite all the nightmares, hours upon hours of crying, pain and suffering she endured for so many years, she was attached to the people and the building she called home. It was hard to imagine herself else where, not studying to become a Jedi. She tried so hard to imagine just for a second herself as an actually Jedi Knight, but that picture was even more allusive. ”œSarafire! Pay attention and answer my question!”

Ch 12 Mirmo The meeting room was dominated by a massive heavy wooden table, darkly stained and reeking of stale beer among other smells I did not want to describe. The air was fogged with a dense cloud of a grayish blue smoke that hung around eye level when standing. The source of light was two light fixtures, naked and dim, barely able to shine through the layer of smoke. Around the table were eleven men. Some of these men were dressed in rags, who had not groomed themselves for weeks, with fierce, dangerous looks in their dark, distrusting eyes. The other men spoke of riches and lives of luxury. They were heavy, dressed in bright colors, covered in jewelry, beards trimmed, and seemingly cheerful and caring. All, I was sure, had guns, even if not displayed. I would have not trusted either group with my life. Our presence was unannounced and few men bothered to glance at us. I ushered my apprentice to two chairs at the far end of the room, where the light was dimmest. The talk was low and decentralized. Each man had at least one mug, most taking a sip every few seconds, others simply held onto their mug while nodding at the talker. I reached out into the Force to test the mood of the crowd. Feelings of seriousness, worry, and greed came through. This was not just another meeting, but one meant to get something done. I just hoped the plan went with my own plan. My thoughts were interrupted when the heavy duracrete door opened and two men stepped in. These were important, powerful men. I could tell because the room went instantly dead silent and eyes flew from their mug or listener to the two men. In truth, all eyes skipped over the first man to the second in the back. In my experience, the taller, heavier, meaner man always entered second and always was the more important one. The first man was small, slim, fast and strong. I ventured a guess that the first man acted as a body guard and a personal assistant. The two men stepped forward, with the little man standing to the right, near the table, giving the big guy some room. ”œThank you, gentlemen for gathering here tonight.”

lol I guess I should have made it clear it was a cleaning droid and him yelling at droid...well remember R2D2? You also need to read some of the other books out there.

Sarafire did not the Jedi that slowly walked in front of her very well. It was mostly because Master Yoda did not know her well either. He was supposed to know every Jedi who roamed the halls of the Jedi Temple, yet she had managed to fall between the cracks of the numerous beings who lived, eat, slept, and studied together. Of course he made rounds through all the classes of the younglies, but her classes rare found him. In truth, there were classes he visited more often, usually the best of the students. She was not envious of this fact, but merely understood there were too many of the Jedi for him to know and she had gone unnoticed until now. For the few times he did teach one of her Force or lightsaber classes, he seemed to not notice her. She was never called on by him and only talked to if she made a mistake. She was not the best or the worse in any of her classes, but when it came to the Force, she came in the last five. Even in telekinesis training, she had little control and a lot of power that earned her many saying about focusing her mind and calming her inner soul. She never really understood what he meant by it. She was able to get away with her confusion with careful acting of her mind and body. Until now, she was convinced she had fooled him along with the others that all was right with her. Sarafire wasn't sure where she was going. Master Yoda was leading her down a hall she didn't recognize until they stopped at one door. It was then a flash of memory rush before her eyes. She must have been five years old when she last stood at this door. She was very small, skinny, and had shining blond hair. She was with several other children her age, who she dared to call friends. It was play hour and the children had decided to go on an adventure. She hadn't been sure about leaving the playroom, but the teacher wasn't there and the door was unlocked. The five children, counting her, had decided to explore more of the temple in a hall that they knew nothing about. It was said that Master Yoda lived at the end of the hall and many stories were spun about what his room looked like and what happened if one went into the room. Sarafire had been scared by the stories of monsters and objects so powerful in the Force that they could destory you. She had argued against going, but she wasn't able to convince the others. So off the five children went. The walk to the mysterious hall seemed to be a long one to the five year old Sarafire with her short legs. There were many stop along the way as the children were questioned by many knights and masters as to what they were doing. The children cheerfully answered that they were on an adventure to an unknown hall. Many of the Jedi smiled in a kind way to the small children and let them continued. Sarafire wondered why the Jedi didn't send them back to the safe playroom instead of letting them risk their lives. Half an hour later the children reached to the final hall and looked down past the many stones. There was a simple metal door at the end with no title or carvings to indict who lived there. There was also no one in the hall. The children stood at the end of the hall, listening carefully for any monsters. For a moment there was nothing to hear until a clear, loud yell, followed by words the children did not recognize came from beyond the door. Poor Sarafire was scared by the sound and nearly fled back to the playroom. The other children were equally as scared, but they were trying very hard not to show it. With whispers, the children slowly crept up to the door, prepared to run of the monster were to suddenly jump out from behind the door. They had reached the door and were whispering about if they should open the door. After much arguing, which Sarafire lost again, it was decided that one brave boy press the button to open the door and reveal the monster. The young child was trembling as he reached over his head and pressed the red, glowing button. Again a silence followed as the door slid open. Another huge yell could be heard from beyond the door followed by more words which Sarafire later found out to be curse words. All five children screamed, certain it was the monster and four of them ran as fast as their little legs could carry. Sarafire was the only child left. She was too scared to move and all she could do was stand there, shaking like a leaf, waiting for the terrible monster to jump out and kill her. Instead of a monster, the Master Yoda came out from the dark shadows of the room with a scowling face until he saw who stood there by his door. Suddenly, his frown turned into a smile and his spirit lifted with a kind joy. Sarafire looked beyond him for the monster and saw something behind the Jedi. She was dead sure it was the monster and began to cry in a helpless sort of way. Master Yoda looked behind him to see what had caused the girl to cry and saw a cleaning droid. He smiled again and calmed her down. He showed her the monster was really just an annoying droid who bumped into everything, including him, and was the cause of the loud noises. When she had dried her tears and drank a cup of hot, calming tea, she was lead back by him to her teacher, feeling a lot better and safer. She gasped out loud as the memory finished and she flew back to present time. Here she was seven years later, feeling much like the last time. Only this time, she knew there was no droid acting like a monster. The monster was still there, lurking behind the innocent looking walls, but the monster was much more abstract this time. The monster was not in any concrete form, but shaped in a swirl mass of fear and anger. Again, she found herself starting to shake and the need to run was growing stronger each step she took. Master Yoda noticed her emotional and physical reaction and stopped before he pressed the same old red, glowing button. He looked up at her taller form and smiled slighty at her. ”œNo monster you will find. Nor an annoying droid for me to yell at. Come, there is nothing to fear.”

Sarafire was a clumsy, awkward girl, stumbling into adolescent hood. She was not a popular or liked girl for her long limbs that seemed to get everywhere, at the worst times, in the worst places. She was known to trip or be easily scared and would drop or break anything around her. Anything in her hands would be damaged beyond repair. While she was weak to moderator in the most skills of the Force, she had an unusual strength in telekinesis that was the cause behind all the accidents. It had been long known that troubled and strongly emotional children, generally around Sarafire's age were prone to telekinetic outbursts that would send out a powerful wave of the Force through the room and cause everything to fall over and usually break. The teachers taught control of oneself and in the Force. Yet, no one knew why Sarafire was prone to them. To the average eye of a Jedi, she seemed well controlled enough. She was polite, quiet, and shy. In class she only talked when called on, never venturing anything else. Yet it was obvious she was smart and had a real flare for writing and expressing the exact point the teacher wanted the students to get. She, unfortunately, was a mastermind of mind control. The mind control she practiced was not the normal type that involved making people think something else by using the Force. She didn't need the Force. She knew the act of acting and convincing everyone through words and actions that things were ok. But to the eye of someone who ventured to look deeper, she couldn't be any more troubled or upset. She had learned to hate the world she lived it, the other students she studied with, and the person she was. In her eyes she could do nothing right. In truth, she was the center of teasing and cruel jokes that children tell another to gain popularity and push the weaker ones down. Each day seemed to be another battle in a war to wear her down. Kids took turns trying to scare her or trip her. Her knees and elbows were covered in bruises and bumps from the many falls. She had learned to keep her head down and never look at anyone in the eye, fearing to anger them or inspire malevolence plans. Jedi were taught by so called wiser Jedi that evil acts were wrong and hatred was forbidden, but those things still went on among the students. Sarafire didn't want to blame the teachers for not interfering. She was too respectful of their superior wisdom to feel anything negative to them. She felt this was her fault and the pain she daily suffered was her punishment for failing in the Force. For the last year the self pain and doubt had grown to new heights as she started to realize she would never become a Jedi. She went from lesson to lesson, steadily performing worse as the months went by. At one point she was the head of her class, but she had dropped pass the half way point. She no longer cared for what the teachers taught. The lessons were designed to help the students become apprentices and ultimately become knights. So she argued with herself, why learn things she'll never be able to do? The teachers didn't see it this way and tried to push her further. They called on her more, gave her more work to do, scolded her more, and generally made her feel worse. Her grade reports were full of complaints about lack of contention, no will or drive, rarely turning in homework, and doing poorly on tests. Sarafire was desperately waiting for the day they would end this misery and cast her out of the temple. In the mean time the pain had gotten too much for her to handle so she turned to the only release of the internal pain the raged her soul. The pain that she carried had somehow made her feel numb, like she had lost the ability to feel anything other than pain and at times, the pain didn't feel like pain. She had found a sharp, small razor blade in one of the shower stalls and had accidentally cut herself on the arm a year ago. She remembered ever so clearly watching tiny beads of red blood form and drip down her skin. The pain, she remember, was a blessing. The sharp sting reminded her she was still alive and at some level, she could feel. Since that day, there were cuts and pale thin scars all over her arms, showing the many times she found herself in need of the reminder. She knew all too well the Jedi did not approve of this method of pain management. They would have suggested therapy, exercise, meditation, and trust the Force. She had tried all those suggestions, and none of them helped her get from day to day. She was careful with her clothing and always making sure her arms were covered and no one touched her self inflicted wounds. She had just turned twelve a few days ago and the anger was building. She shattered the window in her dorm room the day after her birthday because a boy teased her about never becoming a Jedi. The dorm master gave her a mandatory meditation session. She spent the time sitting on the floor asleep and then quieting telling the master how much peace she had found during the meditation and sweetly thanked him, while stifling a yawn. But today she found herself rushing through the halls with a stack of datapads in her balances, being scarcely balanced with the Force. She had overslept that morning and had five minutes to get to her class. She blindly turned a corner, not paying attention to her near by surrounding and promptly smacked into something that felt like a Force shield. The impact of the crash caused her to fall backwards on her bottom and the datapads went flying. It took her a few seconds to clear her head to see who she had run into and to her great fear and surprise, it was Master Yoda. For ten seconds, all she could do was stare at him, open mouth, pale, and unable to think or move. She recovered enough to become aware of the laughter kids near by were making. A scared, pink blush rose on her stretched cheeks. The acient Jedi Master walked up to her and offered his three clawed hand. Embarresd by what she had done, she ignored his hand and scrambled up on her own. Sarafire looked around to see the datapads all over the hall and turned to the small Jedi. ”œI-I'm so, so, sorry Master Yoda! I didn't see you coming! I hope you're not hurting! I really am sorry! Please forgive me! If you don't mind, I need to get to next cla-”

Title: Healing Hearts Author: JediKaren Timeframe: prior to the Phantom Menace Characters: Yoda, SaraFire, and minor other characters. Genre: OC, drama, angst, H/C, pre-TPE Summary: Sarafire is a 12 year old trainee who has lost all hope to being a Jedi and has turn to self destruct herself. By an accident she attracts the attention, care, and admiration of Master Yoda, who hopes her gain all she ever wanted. Disclaimer: GL gets all the credit for all star wars characters.

Ch11 Karen I had to admit I felt pretty. I felt like a lady rather than a butt-kicking, Force-using Jedi. I looked beautiful and my master did admit that much with his long lasting stare. I also had to admit that Nea had a way of making my face blush red and giggle. Something that Mirmo couldn't do. Maybe, just maybe Nea wasn't such a bad guy. His car was certainly nice, as was the ride. For the first time we headed up, rather than down the city. I much preferred going up and staying up. For one thing we were much safer. There were more cloud cars, richer, newer, less battered cars, more friendly people, and less insane drivers. The buildings were in better repair, some were even gleaming in the light. There were more signs flashing advertisements. It seemed the higher we went the more government looking buildings we came across. The city was divided up into different zones according to Mirmo, who was giving me another lecture. Each zone had a different look to it, with different stores and businesses. Although all zones had basic stores to buy food and clothing, each one specialized in something. The center of the city was the Republican Capital where the senate and the galactic leader, the proper title being Chief of State, Leia Solo, were governing the galaxy. Around highest levels of the Republican capital were a million expensive cafes and fancy clothing stores showing off clothes. I didn't even want to think about the price of a few high class hotels. As we drove further from the government center there were more apartments and small businesses. Sometimes there would be a break in housing and there would be a block of pure shops, bars, restaurants, and entertainment centers. It was late in the afternoon, about time when work ended for most people. As a result, there was heavy traffic. Nea was in no rush, so he would go around the blocks avoiding the stop-and-go cars. Strange, even though I was billions of light years away from my home planet, bad traffic still existed. Sadly, the time came to head back down to the seedy underworld to make it on time for the meeting. Mirmo promised me that if things went right during the meeting, we would be back up in a day or two. That cheered me up and made it more sufferable as the glamor of the buildings faded away. Hard dirty reality seemed to set in, the lower we went. The quality of the air dropped, and soon I found myself holding my hand to my nose as we flew pass reeking vents. ”œThis is it.”

Ch 10 Mirmo We entered the dingy, small apartment and everyone settled into the living room/kitchen area. Nea got out his com link and ordered the midday meal for us, I suspected something as costly as the steaks we had the night before. I did not approve of him spending so much money on just a meal, but I remained silent. Perhaps Karen would cheer up with some good food. She certainly needed something. I asked Nea to make some more Fallen Bark tea. As Nea got busy with finding a clean pot that was not stinking of old spice, I looked over to the tired, unhappy figure of my apprentice. I asked her if she was okay. ”œYeah, I am.”

This is a reflection, fiction piece written about the recent death of my mom. I sank down upon my knees, not caring if the dirt soiled my soul. The shock of the truth hit me in a power, awe inspiring way. I found myself unable to move or to allow air pass to reach my lungs. My mind stopped for an eternal moment. My world had gone still. The reality of the situation was too much. The honesty of the fact was overwhelming. Sense ceased to exist. Logic no longer worked. What was black was now white and all that I knew lost its meaning. The end. That was it. The ever lasting end, that continued forever with holy meaning. Time had finally stopped. There would be no tomorrow. Life did not continue. The world would go on, but no longer in the same, meaningful pattern. The world was changed in a fixed path. I would go on, live, breathe, and eat as I had so before, thinking and minding the world, yet I was changed. It was the end that caused this. It was the world in which I knew no longer existed and plunged me into something new, something unheard of. It was also the start. New would and was happening. My breathing and eating would happened in a new way. The world went through its course in a new way, whether conscious of this fact or not. The dirt I laid upon was new in my eyes, different and altered. Yet, new, old, or the end, or beginning, I existed in a state of shock, close to insanity. My mind sped through all of this without logic or reasoning. I got up from the dirt, slow to rise to different reality. My mind went on as if I had never stopped.

Ch 9 Karen The Dawners? Who were the Dawners? There was a slight shift in emotions that I sensed through the Force and then noticed everyone was looking at me. I realized I had mused my thoughts out loud. My cheeks went red and I found myself needing to move about. The crowd before me was one of mostly humans, dressed in rags of various colors of gray and brown. They were a sad, skinny crowd; each person had the look of hunger in their eyes or as I feared the hunger for me. I remembered the fact that my tight skimpy shirt tempted many eyes of men who had not had seen the presence of a female for some time. I sent out a warning through my Force bond to my master. He got the message and stood in front of me, protecting me. ”œOh yes, the Dawners, back from the days on Zabreen, my home planet.”

Thank you very much. You really should read the first story to understand this one. It's called The Emotional Battle. Reading it will show you what's going on and I think make the story flow a bit better than before.

Ch 8 Mirmo The ride downward to the lower levels of the enormous city was non eventful, if not a bit depressive, at least to me who had seen more than my taste of all cities poorest levels. Through our Force bond, I sensed the excitement and wonder radiating from my apprentice. There was no way to disregard the soft words of bewilderment or feeling her movements as she twisted around to look behind us. I shook my head and wondered for the forth time if this was a good idea. Karen, tough as she was, knew nothing about crime or the criminal underworld and I worried her reaction to where I was taking her. I vowed silently to myself to keep her close to me once we landed. I was thankful that Nea stopped the car in a dark corner by a falling down building with a sign that had four letters missing, one letter out, and the rest of the letter flickered giving little, untrustworthy light. The smell of the street was enough to inform me that I did not want to see what had died near by. Karen gagged loudly, startling me. I turned grabbed her wrist and pulled her close. In a stern, no nonsense tone told her to keep by my side at all times and if anything does happen, let me make the decisions and take the lead. She was to follow me and do whatever I said, no matter what. And above all, keep quiet. Being unheard could mean being unseen, something that was much wanted here. Nea locked up the car and tucked the small remote key deep within his clothing. ”œWell buddy, I say we get ourselves moving and not stand here being prey for Rat birds if you know what I mean. My lady, allow me the honors of escorting you through the less pleasant parts of this area.”

Ch7 Karen ”œKaren, time to get up.”

Ch 6 Mirmo While I permitted Karen enter first, I moved ahead to be the first person my dear friend Nea Walne saw to avoid confusion. I stood in the dark hallway of his medium size apartment, peering through dark green walls by the light the other rooms cast out. I was not sure how he might take my apprentice and hoped my presence would smooth over any awkwardness that might occur. ”œMirmo, is that you ol' buddy?”

Ch 5 Karen In my travels I had visited cites, the big important ones. I thought of them as far too huge, and overwhelming, not a place I would want to live in, yet I knew nothing about what big really meant until I had stepped off our small ship. There was so much to see and all of it seemed to go by so fast, I wanted to chase after each ship and person to discover who they were and where they were going, even if it was impossible. I hardly noticed myself drifting away from Mirmo when he went to a map to figure out where we were going. Admittedly, I should have been with him, studying the map, but maps have never interested me despite my father's best efforts and I doubt I could understand how to read the map when I knew absolutely nothing about reading a holographic one. Master Mirmo's talk about keeping close to him in a crowded station brought me back into a mode I hadn't been in for years. When my father would take me to these so called big cities, it was understood that I was to stay near him at all times and not wander off. As Mirmo turned around and started walking towards some unknown point, I shook my head at myself and followed his feet. The trip mode that I had developed over years was one of serious alertness, taking in everything, but letting nothing dominate my attention for more than a second or two, unless it was interesting enough to point out to my father. If my father agreed, then we would stop and watch if we had the time. Usually if I knew we didn't have time, I wouldn't let myself get interested in anything for too long, even on the first day. My master weaved through the crowd to a huge exit area and across this walkway where there were some sort of car like vehicles, floating above the steel duracrate floor next to what looked like a cab driver. My master approached one of the cab drivers, a short, fat human guy with greasy hair who looked bored and poor, and told where we needed to go. It was strange to comment he was human, but after a nasty shock of seeing millions of different aliens in a few seconds, I felt myself cling to the relief and need to associate with my kind. ”œYa, I ca take ya there, but th' gal thare will be a' extra twenty.”

Ch4 Mirmo With blessed, suppressed relief, I pulled the small, weaponless ship out of hyperspace. The bright streaking stars suddenly came into focus; the ship shuddered, causing both us to be jolted painfully on the cold metal of the chairs. A frown formed in my face at the performance of the ship. If pirates were to seek us out, I doubted the ship could endure the hard run I would need to take. Luke Sykwalker, or Master Skywalker to me, had apolitically informed me this was the only ship the fledging order could afford to lend us for our mission and he wisely advised us to avoid trouble if possible. There was luck with us, for the galaxy lived in a relatively peaceful period of rest from war and prosperity was on the increase. Piracy and homicide activity was rarer than usual while traveling, promoting business and increasing trade. It was a good time for a simple first mission of the two of us. A gasp from Karen broke the silence that filled the room after the rough maneuver. I spared a glance over my left shoulder to observe the wide eyes, the leaning forward body, and the slightly opened mouth in awe by someone who never had ventured into space and the core of the galaxy. My attention turned back to manually steering the craft through a course coordinated and dictated by the computer. A black sphere came into view and hurriedly enlarged itself by the second. My apprentice could not hold back her amazement any longer. ”œOh look! Is”¦is that the famous Coruscant?”

Ch3 Karen When this began I had nothing to say And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me I was confused And I'd let it all out to find That I'm not the only person with these things in mind Inside of me When all the vacancy the words revealed Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel Nothing to lose Just stuck, hollow, and alone And the fault is my own and the fault is my own I wanna heal I wanna feel What I thought was never real I want to let go of the pain I felt so long Erase all the pain till its gone I wanna heal I wanna feel Like I'm close to something real I want to find something I've wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I've got nothing to say I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face I was confused Looking everywhere only to find That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind So what am I What do I have but negativity 'Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me Nothing to lose Nothing to gain, hollow, and alone And the fault is my own and the fault is my own I wanna heal I wanna feel What I thought was never real I want to let go of the pain I felt so long Erase all the pain ”˜til its gone I wanna heal I wanna feel Like I'm close to something real I want to find something I've wanted all along Somewhere I belong I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else, until my wounds are healed I will never be anything 'till I break away from me I will break away I'll find myself today I wanna heal I wanna feel What I thought was never real I want to let go of the pain I felt so long Erase all the pain till it's gone I wanna heal I wanna feel Like I'm close to something real I want to find something I've wanted all along Somewhere I belong I wanna heal I wanna feel I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong I took the earpieces off and stared off into the black sea of space through the glass window, contemplating the significance of the song. It was my new favorite song because I could relate to it so much. The song talked about healing, a road I was just beginning, and also talked about belonging somewhere, an aching matter in my life. I was accepted and trained at the Jedi academy, but I didn't feel a part of the family, the group. I still felt like if I were to break a rule that was taboo to them at least to the old order, like getting pregnant or married, I would be exiled in a flash. Perhaps, my master might try to help me survive, but it would be difficult for him and I wasn't sure I would let him go through so much trouble. All my life, I have never belonged to anything or fit in with any group. I am the exception of any statistic. One can't just place a number on me and predict that I will do as that number says. My early birth said many problems would come and stay in my future. I over came almost all of them. There is was some statistic that said I should have been heavily dependent on drugs since they were all around me, yet I never had smoked or drank. My scores to get into a higher education supposed I would not survive my first year, but I did and did well. The abusive history that runs through my family tells I should be abusive towards any children and pets. Obviously, that was wrong for I dearly loved all animals and children. My abilities separated me from the rest of society in a way I still can't explain, increasing the feeling I didn't belong anywhere. I found myself unable to stand human contact for long and groups larger than a hundred were unbearable. The ability to see through people like they are made of glass made me like them even less as I saw most people to be dull, boring, and completely unaware and purposely trying to avoid the things that matter in life. My teachers, at least the ones that bother to really teach us something, said I was already on a higher plane of thinking and they hardly knew how close they hit the mark. I didn't just think on a higher plane, I lived and studied a plane of reality so advanced and complex, no amount of words could capture the beauty and wonder of the design. I, at the young age of twenty one, had access to something that was the cause of the wipe out of the Jedi. I knew of the ”œbeyond life and death”