Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) Hey, y'all. Figured it would be fun to post a little non-SW thing I wrote a while back. It's a parody/comedy that mixes the television shows "24" and "Arrested Development." Don't know how much of an audience there'd be for something like this, or if there's even anyone here who has seen both shows, but it's not too long and it was a lot of fun to write so I decided to give it a shot. There are five "episodes" to the story, and I'll post the first one for now. If it draws any interest I'll go ahead and start posting the rest. Thanks! PREMISE: Jack Bauer has just been captured by the Chinese. The Bluth family has just thrown a party on the Queen Mary. When Jack escapes and washes aboard the Queen Mary, he thinks he has escaped the promise of torture...only to encounter an entirely new one. It's told in the style of Arrested Development and includes many of the show's inside jokes, so a working knowledge is ideal, but I've been told by some readers that they have found it funny without ever having seen it. Anyway...here ya go! PILOT ---------------------- [The High Seas, California-ish] Jack is in a dark and grimy cell room about the Shanghai; chained, bloodied, and beaten half to death. NARRATOR: "This is Jack Bauer. For two decades he's worked for his nation's government, waiting for anything at all to go his way. And right now, he's not happy." Cheng walks up smiling. CHENG: "Look what we've done to you, Bow-ah." NARRATOR: "This is Jack's captor, Cheng Zhi. He is happy." CHENG: "Look what my metrosexuals have done to you." Jack notices that he'd been not only beaten and dragged but also outfitted with a fashionable shirt and hat. NARRATOR: "Cheng is thrilled that his elusive nemesis is en route to a Chinese prison, where he'll have to endure a life of excruciating torture." A random Chinese guy walks up and tasers Jack. NARRATOR: "This is a random Chinese guy. One of the many who will surely make Jack's near future a veritable hell." Flash to a staged group photo of the chic Chinese Interrogation Squad (CIS). Some are holding syringes, some are holding pistols, and one is holding the DVD slipcase of Kangaroo Jack. (not on boat) NARRATOR: "They work in China, where they've been celebrated for their skill in fusing brutally efficient interrogation with male model elegance." Random Guy exits, swaggering to the door as if strutting down the runway. NARRATOR: "Yes, these are Jack's enemies. So why, after all the devastation and heartbreak, does he still possess a shred of sanity? Because he hasn't met the Bluth family." ----------------------------------- THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS ----------------------------------- NARRATOR: "Jack was feeling more optimistic about his journey on the evening of his capture." JACK: "Kill me. Just”¦kill me." CHENG: "I feel like we've been through this." JACK: "Again”¦I need to hear it again." CHENG: "Okay”¦'Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer.' " JACK: "How so?" silence CHENG: "Well, we do need a fourth." [Minutes later”¦] Cheng and Jack are out on the Shanghai's helipad with tennis rackets in hand while two nameless henchmen set up the net. CHENG: "Mr. Bauer is with me." The two others pick up rackets and take their position on the other side. Cheng secures Jack to prevent escape, wrapping four giant chains around his body and fastening them to the ground. Random Guy 1 bounces a ball and serves. The ball comes straight to Jack, who takes one step before collapsing over the immobilizing chains. The ball bounces past him and goes over the side of the ship. Cheng shoots Jack a dirty look. RANDOM GUY 1: "Fifteen-Love." [Two sets later”¦] CHENG: "This is no good. Mr. Bauer”¦I will unchain you if you promise to play your hardest despite your bitterness toward me." JACK: "I give you my word." [Moments later”¦] Jack tosses the ball in the air and fires it across the court, serving an ace. CHENG: "Score! Well done, Mr. Bau”¦" Cheng turns and Jack is gone. He hears a splash. CHENG: "Noooo!" A depressed Cheng pulls out a scrap of notebook paper entitled ”œHOPES and DREAMS” Edited March 25, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 EDIT: Whoops, sorry about the double-post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keren Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 More please! This is hilarious, dude! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 (episode two) OPERATION: FRIGHTFUL ------ ”œNow the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted September 20, 2008 Author Share Posted September 20, 2008 bububump More episodes available upon request (I have five total). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 Wow. I wish I would have paid more attention to Fanfic, other than just to screw with it. I love Arrested Develepment. Great work COEM. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted September 20, 2008 Author Share Posted September 20, 2008 (edited) Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. AD fans are few and far between, so it's always nice to hear feedback from someone who "gets" it. I guess I'll start posting the rest, then! ETA: I don't want to, like, quadruple post, so if you're reading maybe you can just throw a post in there as an a-OK before I bring up each new installment. Edited September 20, 2008 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted September 20, 2008 Author Share Posted September 20, 2008 (episode three) ACTING PROTOCOL ------ ”œNow the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 I like it man. I can't critique something that's so golden. Feel free to read my new story... http://forums.jedi.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=35058 SHAMELESS PLUG, I know, but still... [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted October 8, 2008 Author Share Posted October 8, 2008 Thanks for the praise, dawg. Will check out yours fo' sho'. Now onto #4, and then the finale (which, incidentally, is my favorite ). -------------------- (episode four) CALL BAITING ------ ”œNow the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Keep it coming COEM. Awesome! [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 (episode five) [finale] THE FINAL COUNTDOWN ------ ”œNow the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the beaten & bloody, battered & bruised, twice-dead, oft-tortured, emotionally crippled and slightly deranged federal agent who fought every urge to blow their brains out.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Facking incredible man! JACK (mumbling to self): "Maybe a frontal assault”¦" TOBIAS (hearing): "I know if it were me, I'd much prefer coming up the rear. Allows for penetr””" JACK (incredulous): "Dear God, man! Do you hear yourself?" [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 Thanks, man. I've kept open the idea of a "Season Two" when I have the time to write freely again. I'll let you know if/when that happens. Thanks again for the support. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Drop whatever else you're working on, because it's crap! Just work on this. I'm surprised other people haven't come in and looked, because this is better than alot of the other things stewing in here. Stay strong, brother. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chosen One Ephant Mon Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Haha, thanks, dude. I suspect it may have a lot to do with the "Arrested Development" tag. Too few aficionados, I'm afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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