Dartha Athanth

Dang it all you guys made me think there was an update when I saw the thread status.

I shall now attempt to do some crit, but feel free to ignore it because of the rust building up along my joints.

 

Sentries of the Land

 

The wind whispers

through the leaves,

rustling natures bell.

 

Very nice, I like the "Nature's bell" bit, but just remember the apostrophe.

 

The eerie glow

of the moon

shines through the fog

on the trunks of the ghost gum

Staid soldiers

tall and proud they stand

Ever present sentries

of the land

 

One thing that just jumps out here is the "of the" "on the" "of the". Maybe try reducing the number of 'the's (this sentence isn't a very good example of that I know ) i.e. Perhaps "The moon's eerie glow". And maybe add qualifiers in the place of 'the's, like "thick fog" "soupy fog" (yum).

 

Very nice imagery though. And I haven't been to the southern hemisphere in forevveeerrr. Miss your poems too! More!! I actually remember the Children of summer one.

New challenge....

 

 

 

Find an old story of yours and post another part chapter / post for it.

 

 

 

Or if you don't have a story to add to, post dive into the archive, find a dead story, choose a character, and write a back story for them.

 

 

 

Go!!

 

Is this a guilt trip for people who said they would complete stories and never did (so far >.<)?

 

PPPP

 

Hi Peepz

I see the paragraph in my head and I put it down.

^

|

 

What he said.

 

 

However, (to me at least) Deus Ex machina also means something like a forced ending when the author gets too lazy to think up a decent plot... (Like the Pain arc in Naruto. Geez.....)

 

I don't think miracles in stories have to be advertised as "OMG IT'S A MEERAKLE!" to be a miracle. "必然だ！" (There are no coincidences) in the words of xxxHolic. Like um the lightning saving Luffy on the execution platform in Loguetown. No explanation after 400 chapters of it (yet), but readers just accepted it. Of course the reverse is true... if a character stands up and goes "Muahahahhahhaha I planned it all" it can get irritating and readers sometimes don't buy that, but still it depends on the skill of the writer, i suppose. (Worked for me in Death Note, but not in Bleach.)

 

Ok, I've been reading too much manga lately.... >.<

Another good update. I'm a little confused about who the characters are and such, but it's the beginning--and it's a fic by you--so I expect that.

 

LOL.

 

I like the way you draw your foliage!! Steampunk is pretty cool to draw. Hmm maybe the confusion could be helped with more use of their names or was it intentional?

oops.

 

日本語わ？

>.< Mi dispiace, io ho dimenticato. Io sempre penso J.Net è Facebook. Non, tu hai abiti in Messico!

 

哈哈， 以后我写唐诗还比较好啦。。。。

 

（我放棄了。。。 我沒別的語言了。）

Tiana: No I think it's because the Romans conquered most of Europe... most Romantic languages are similar because they are latinate, though English has quite a bit of Germanic influence as well.

 

Thanks for reading again!

Il Signore Ar-Pharazon: Tu non hai capisci italiano?! L'insano!!

 

La Signora Amidala Cielo-Camminatrice: Grazie! Io non lo so e Francese, o l'altro lingue romantiche.

For fun and to help me in opera singing! Prob switching to japanese next year though because it's the language that my family speaks the third most....

 

And yes, I forgot the word for desert so i just wrote forest. >.<. My teacher's comments were "molto creattivo!"

 

Thanks for reading!

Well obviously college level classes don't allow for these kinds of essays anymore but since it's a beginning italian class, I can return to elementary school once more, albeit in a different language...

 

Original italian text:

 

Da bambino, Darth Vader era avventuroso. Perchè lui viveva nella foresta noiosa, ogni giorno, lui usciva di solito, prendeva un'aereo dei planeti differenti. Mentre Darth Vader telefonava Obi-Wan Kenobi, lei madre ho comprato un'aereo nuovo per Vader! Vader era sorpriso e allegro.

 

Il sabato, Darth Vader visitava l'Emperor. Un giorno, l'Emperor ho detto: "Io ho avuto un preso per te, è l'aereo grande, si chiamava "Il Stella Morte"." Dopo, Darth Vader amava il Emperor. Lui madre e Obi-Wan Kenobi erano triste.

 

(Somewhat translated)

 

When he was young, Darth Vader was adventurous. Because he lived in a boring forest, everyday, he would always go out, and take an aeroplane to the different planets. While Darth Vader was talking on the phone with Obi-Wan Kenobi, his mother bought a new aeroplane for him! Vader was surprised and happy.

 

Every Saturday, Darth Vader would visit the Emperor. One day, the Emperor said: "I have a present for you - it is the big aeroplane which is called "The Death Star!". After that, Darth Vader loved the Emperor. His mother and Obi-Wan Kenobi were sad.[list=]

Well the last bit was certainly more attnetion grabbing and a cliffhanger. The only think that irks me now is "a thousand yards". A thousand yards is too mcuh for simple directions! like "an hour or so walking distance" sounds nearer than it does.

Your exchange poem has more resonance now for me as I now have a lot of friends who are experiencing exchange withdrawal. I don't think they learnt a lot though... they played a bit too much, haha.

 

Experience - the earth,

and the sun.

 

I like this line cos of the pause that hints that the earth and the sun are the experience not something to be experienced.

 

Yay Natty nat!

WHOA. AWESOME. BUt what about your other webcomic?

I like your chapter sig!!!!

 

Great story, do remember to leave a space in between paragraphs!

 

”œWhy hello little Ida how are you?”

Um hi maximus vader,

 

my fic was a response to challenges posted in the Official challenges thread: http://forums.jedi.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=31598

 

So you make a separate thread for each response.

 

 

Ami: thanks! yeah it's the echo. glad you found it extremely emo!

Hi maximusvader and welcome to fanfic!

 

First, you should take a look at the guidelines to the forum at the top of the page. Also, perhaps you could post all your chapters in one thread? THat would make it easier for people to read as well.

 

It's a very nice concept that you have so far. Though the EU isn't my major area of interest, I love mandalorians! Nice to see them flourishing even now. Muahahhahahaa. Though I thought that mandalorians had females as well...

 

keep up the good work!

Begin a story with "happily ever after" and end it with "once upon a time".

Write a story about an echo.

"Night is a tunnel, on the other side, light."

WRITE THE MOST EMO THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE. (?)

-the challenge with multiple challenges!

 

Yay challenges!

 

 

Perhaps

Dartha Athanth

A Star Wars Fan Fiction, Alternate Universe

Comments appreciated.

 

http://forums.jedi.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=1070022#1070022

 

 

OMG Ami's a Jedi. She can do mind tricks.

Begin a story with "happily ever after" and end it with "once upon a time".

Write a story about an echo.

"Night is a tunnel, on the other side, light."

WRITE THE MOST EMO THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE. (?)

-the challenge with multiple challenges!

 

Yay challenges!

 

 

Perhaps

Dartha Athanth

A Star Wars Fan Fiction, Alternate Universe

Comments appreciated.

 

++++++

 

Happily ever after. Are there really such endings? Perhaps this only applies to everyone in the galaxy but me.

 

I stare off into the darkness and cough, jerking the chain that suspends my hands in mid-air. Perhaps I was on the wrong side after all. Everyone knows that only the good guys get the good endings.

 

How deluded we were then, we Jedi. That's the only thing I know for sure.

 

I can't remember how long I have been in this darkness, this darkness that confines. It eats at my very fiber, so that I am now merely the husk of a man. And Jedi.

 

What was my name again? I think it began with an O. Onderon? No, that's too long. Od? No, that's too short. Owen?

 

Owen?

 

That sounds about right, though there is something missing from it. I think my second letter is B though... or was it the beginning of my second name?

 

Perhaps it's the latter. Bail, perhaps? Bastila? Wait, Beru. I think it was Beru.

 

My mind is telling me that the thing that should go along with those names is Luke.

 

So that's my name. Owen Beru Luke. Pleased to meet you.

 

Thank you.

 

So I heard you were a Jedi too, listener?

 

Yes, I'm listening.

 

Go on.

 

I remember a silent sea of sand, and the blazing sun - and a beam of blue light - all the light in the world. Perhaps I have just used up my quota of light for my lifetime, and got sent here, instead.

 

Yeah, I think so too.

 

Perhaps the Force has returned to me, for I think I can see a growing light in the distance.

 

Come with me, the light says.

 

Anakin?

 

Is it you, Anakin?

 

No, the Anakin I knew was eaten by the night.

 

But there he is, the same blue eyes, the same wavy hair - but now his eyes are as cold and frosty as Hoth and his hair seems to flicker like flames as he approaches.

 

Where did you go, friend?

 

The chains rattle as I am pulled to my feet, and I hear yours being pulled as well.

 

Night is a tunnel, on the other side, light, in which we are mere echoes which bounce through.

 

Perhaps the tunnel will lead us into a new day. I look past the red beam of light into the pure white light that lies ahead -

 

And so, once upon a time...

LOL. Hahahahah! True.

 

I should do a few of these challenges to get me up to speed for nanowrimoing...

 

I approve of this message.

Hi cody nice to see you here!

 

Um... these are called plot bunnies.

 

(Sorry, I don't feel like writing it!)

Just a quick review:

 

catch him.

catch up with him/catch up. Unless she put her hands around him...

 

worn temper

worn has to be accompanied by an adjective i.e. her temper wore thin. but in this case, i would use frayed. um. her frayed temper finally snapping?

 

His face was full of hardness

just sounds wrong to me. um.

 

At his continued silence, her worry turned to anger. ”œFine! Don't talk to me! Just pretend I don't exist! - her moods seem to move too fast. before that, she was angry, and then in a few lines, she's worried, adn then she's angry again?

 

 

interesting bit about the missing kid... i wanna know who's doing it. muahahahha.

*takes a deep breath*

 

Well, if that's your first chapter I find it way too short. Short chapters have always irritated me in books- the many breaks just halt the action. If it's like a prologue, fine.

 

A thin, brown-haired teenager stood outside of a small stone building... and thin, grime-coated cloak she wore.

Too many thins! This is your opening you should give it more oomph, more descriptive, more metaphorical, more vocabulary.. more!

 

She had tried everything she could think of with increasing fear. She had wandered through the city, looking in vain for something familiar. That in itself was odd, for she was familiar with much of her homeland, and was well known by many of its people. Several times when she was passing dark alleys, she would hear whispers and giggles that sounded decidedly unfriendly. She had never felt so frightened and miserable in her life.

I think you're going for the similar sentence structure thing there, but the last one sounds out of place if it's not immediately near the first 2. if the effect was not intended, change the sentence structure of that last one.

 

It was terrible, smelly, demeaning, and beneath her, but she knew she would die of starvation otherwise.

smelly is too mild a word... it kind of sticks out. It's something kids would say. revolting?

She kept on the move

She kept herself on the move/She kept moving.

 

+ time issue, is the 2 days after she has spent a few days in the city? Or her 2nd day in the city? I wouldn't pick garbage after 2 days.

 

What does it take to get a little help around here?”