Holonet

[fuzzy_ewok]

Ewoks Building Super Weapon of Mass Destruction

 

Galactic Associated Press:

 

 

Forest Moon of Endor: Furious over a long standing trade embargo for their possession of dangerous Taepodong 2 Hyperspace missiles of the kind that irradiated half of Bothawui, several well documented cases of savaging and eating travelers to the Forest Moon, as well as their insistance to spread communism across the Galaxy, Viet-Wok supreme commander Willet Wolly has vowed to bring the Alliance and Empire to the negotiating table by force.

 

Based on events on Endorian history, as well as plans supposedly obtained from the Force only knows where, it has been confirmed that the Ewoks are starting construction on a third and even more powerful Death Star. In a proud Soviet fashion, the thing will be made of solid durasteel from workers in factories across Endor and North Raxus Prime, possess even more Stalin class tubro lasers and ships than even the second Death Star which exploded over the Forest Moon's orbit. When asked to comment on this, the Viet Wok leader gave a simple statement, pounding the severed leg of Evan Blacksun on a podium to gather attention.

 

"YUB YUB !"

 

[Translation: We will bury you!]

 

The Ewok's Death Star, dubbed Death Star Potemkin after their earlier name of The Giant Hurt Ball & Sphere-o-Fear was rejected, will be completed at an unknown date. Given the Ewok's technological savy and sophistication, experts agreed this project is unlikely to pose a threat to anyone in the next two to three hundred years, assuming the Ewok's attention span lasts that long. A long time Soviet-Ewok studies expert from Galaxy University on Coruscant though adds the warning though that, "with the Ewoks, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong."

[Guest]

An unscheduled interruption seizes the holonet momentarily, overloading the regular channels with static and displaying a figure obscured by shadow, sitting silently and seemingly looking towards the camera.

 

'Hello, friends and neighbors. Today, it has been demonstrated that no matter where you are, no matter who you are, you are not safe.'

 

To demonstrate this point, amateur footage taken from the Gateway is shown. A very rich businessman is shown on the balcony of his house, his freshly infected wife and daughter taking turns pulling parts of his body off.

 

'Just shows- you can have all the money in the galaxy, but hell hath no fury like a female infected with a debilitating, aggression-inducing virus.

 

'The point is, friends, that if this can happen here, in one of the most exclusive hotels in the galaxy, then what's to stop this from happening on Corellia? Or Coruscant? Or Gala? What's to stop this from happening to you?'

 

The figure leans forward and taps its forehead meaningfully.

 

'I am, friends. I am. But like most sentients, I have my price. The price is called Onderin Starlisk.'

 

Stock footage of the Jedi Master is briefly featured.

 

'If Starlisk surrenders himself to the proper authorities, these attacks will stop. Until then, there are no guarantees, and there are no rules. One man for potentially billions. The smart play here is obvious.'

 

The image winks out.

[Jidai Geki]

SUICIDE CRUISER SLAMS INTO HIKAHI

 

Galactic Associated Press

 

The planet of Dac was left stunned today as the crew of what appeared to be an Alliance Star Cruiser took leave of their senses and directed their vessel straight into the populous city of Hikahi, in a devastating suicide attack in which the initial death toll is estimated at close to 50,000.

 

The attack is believed to have been preceded by an assault by mercenary forces on Alliance craft above the stricken planet.

 

Eyewitnesses describe seeing the Starcruiser hitting in Hikahi's fashionable downtown district at 2:48pm local time, smashing into a shopping mall packed with afternoon shoppers.

 

The massive vessel, with a length of 1600 metres and weighing over a million tonnes, devastated the surrounding area with its impact and proceeded to tear a swathe of utter devastation through five miles of the heart of the city before being coming to a standstill.

 

The tragedy was further compounded by a massive exposion, caused by the craft's breached reactor core.

 

Close to 30,000 sentients are believed to have died in this secondary explosion alone.

 

Alliance "complicit?"

 

A communication sent by the Captain of the vessel just moments before she began her descent into the Mon Calamari atmosphere indicates that he was extremely agitated and believed the people of Dac to have been involved in the mercenary assault just moments before. Eyewitnesses indicated that the mercenaries had indeed directed Dac ground defences to fire on the Rebel fleet, possibly leading them to believe that the planet had initiated hostile action towards them.

 

The communication, whilst too distressing to repeat verbatim, indicated that the Captain believed the Mon Calamari people to have "betrayed" the Alliance.

 

Sources can only speculate what led a highly trained Alliance officer to lead a suicide strike against a civilian city, costing not only the lives of his crew but tens of thousands more.

 

The attack, following on from the terrorist attack at the Gateway two days ago and the destruction of Kuat Drive Yards' shipyards several weeks ago is the latest in a string of high-casualty incidents which have pushed the galaxy into a state of crisis unseen since the Arach'tar invasion.

 

Alliance High Commander Onderin Starlisk, whom terrorists are demanding be handed over to them to prevent further atrocities, was unavailable for comment.

[Nicolas]

As per usual on the holonet, a half hour passes by of normal programming before a static message comes across. It's a wonder there isn't a channel just devoted to people taking it over to put a message through, or that people even watch the holonet anymore. The figure that appears is none other then Smash Daisaku himself.

 

”œYou all are quite aware of who I am, and if you aren't then you have probably only recently been born. Black Sun was an Empire to be feared in my time and when I first left it to Piccolo, he drove it into a downward spiral as the alliance I forged crumbled. He came to me and I told him that I didn't blame him, but now”¦I look out and I see that my once great Organization is worthless and I can not help but feel anger.

 

There wasn't an enemy I couldn't top when I led the Black Sun, now there isn't an enemy that can't top them. It's disgraceful. The leadership walked into an obvious trap today and all I can say is ”œgood”

[N'vy]

A news broadcast featuring two oddly young looking figures comes on suddenly, flashing the a picturing showing a sign that shows that this is Breaking News. They are situated in what looks like a formal station set up, with the average attire of a news crew but further inspection would show that it was only a pseudo-set.

 

”œOnce again a portion of the Galaxy's capital is under attack.”

[Vladimir Faust]

A holonet singal breaks through on the air waves during a set of popular advertisements. The only thing shown is not some pretty new product or news reel, but the white, grinning face of Vladimir Faust.

 

Hello galaxy... It's been a while since I had the pleasure to address you. Far too long really, but alas, it could not be helped.

 

There is a low chuckle as Faust's burning, cold blue eyes do their familiar dance of malice and amusement.

 

For most of you, you may ignore this message and go about your own insignificant litlte lives in peace. I would address those who call themselves hunters, especially those who claim to inheret the legacy of the Mandalorians.

 

There is another long pause as Faust continues.

 

I am calling together a tournament on Ryloth. This contest is only open to those who dare call themselves Mandalorians. The stakes are a simple contest. The losers lose their armor and are sent home in shame. The victor shall receive some interesting artifacts from my own personal collection, gear I've taken from pretenders to the bloodline during my bounty hunting career. This is something no true Mandalorian warrior can pass up on...

 

Faust chuckles and continues.

 

After which, I have a special job for the winner, to be revealed when the tournament is done. While it will be held on Ryloth under my supervision, I will not be personally there to over see things, so Armiena darling, you can keep that fleet of yours at home.

 

The Hunter blows a mocking kiss at the camera and winks, still laughing.

 

I shall be making my preparations for your arrival, o' warriors most feared. I suggest you try to find the courage your legacy claims to hold and embrace it for this contest to see who the true heir to the Mandalore's reputation is.

 

With that, the screen fades to black.

[Guest]

[Survivor's Foundation]

Attack on The Gateway Propagated by Imperial Terrorists

 

This afternoon, the Survivor's Foundation uncovered ”œindisputable evidence”

[Vladimir Faust]

Imperial Forces Seize Sullust

 

Galactic Associated Press:

 

Sullust: Following a stealth infiltration by Imperial forces under the command of the infamous Vladimir Faust and a trusted lieutenant, the planet Sullust fell to what is reported to be a 400 man strike force that deactivated its orbital defenses in time for an invasion fleet to show up.

 

The SoroSub corporation issued a statement earlier expressing compliance with a decree demanding that the planet return to the Imperial fold. Issues of coercion came up from off world dissenters, though on Sullust itself, a chill silence has been maintained. Footage of storm troopers marching through the planet's shipyards and underground cities has been released, as well as shots of Faust giving commands for the tighter Imperial controls over the shipyards. Reports of numerous Alliance saboteurs being executed were confirmed as well, though unconfirmed reports of prisoners being taken off world were also issued.

 

The new Moff of the Sullust system, Gallagher Malstross, issued the following prepared statement:

 

Our operation was one of just war and neatly conducted. I lead 400 men under Lord Faust's supervision to take an entire allied world in an almost bloodless effort, while the Alliance butchered billions with its bungled attempt at supressing Kaut. I will leave the galaxy to judge who is more fit to rule and protect its citizens.

 

More Evidence Arrives Linking the Gateway Disaster to the Emperor

 

Galactic Associated Press:

 

Gateway Station: The recent disaster in the Corellia system...

[Vash Mammon]

A message arrives for the Galactic Empire through untraceable channels. It is the holographic image of an insectoid Vratix speaking a series of high pitched clicks and sounds that are translated into understandable speech.

 

"My name is Lord Ashern of Thyferra. It is my desire to deal the Empire a very large quantity of bacta, far greater than that of any other Thyferran faction should they have the credits necessary. If an Imperial representative would meet me at the Mos Eisley Cantina, we can discuss this in person."

[Jidai Geki]

Gateway crisis: Emperor assaulted whilst on mission of mercy

 

Imperial Ministry of Information

 

His Exaltedness Emperor Jidai Geki was assaulted by Jedi assassins whilst on a mission of mercy to the stricken Gateway station two days ago.

 

His Highness, delivering an experimental nanite-based antitode to the terrible disease on the station, whilst also stopping to deliver baskets of fruit and other essential supplies to orphans and disabled sentients, had his visit cut short when Jedi interlopers convinced CorSec relief workers that the Emperor posed a danger.

 

The visit had been kept a strict secret due to security issues, and so the Emperor's presence was misinterpreted by Corellian Security forces. This unfortunate incident led to several regrettable casualties, including the distinguished CorSec Lieutenant, Benedict Doppler.

 

'I would like to convey personal commiserations to Lt. Doppler, along with wishes for a speedy recovery,' said the Emperor, speaking today after graciously agreeing to an interview. 'No doubt his mind has been twisted by the Jedi who poisoned him against me in the first place, and I shouldn't be surprised if he is suffering from False Memory Syndrome brought about by the direct interference of the Jedi heretics. I would like to urge restraint and rationality on the part of Corellian Security forces.'

 

One of the Jedi terrorists made a direct attempt on the life of the Emperor. Thankfully, the assassin has been taken into custody and is currently being interrogated by Imperial agents. It is fully expected that he will admit to his part in the assassination attempt and a statement is anticipated via the Imperial Rehabilitation Bureau (IRB).

 

Wookiees 'an inherently evil race'

 

Imperial Bureau of Xenobiology

 

Imperial scientists, who have been working tirelessly to catalogue the varied and diverse flora and fauna of our great galaxy, have reached the conclusion that the wookiee creatures of Kashyyyk are 'fundamentally savage' and their 'innate aggressiveness' is encoded into the animals on 'a genetic level'.

 

Dr. Franz Frömmler of IBX yesterday released a report documenting the unbridled, bestial, and vicious nature of the hairy beasts.

 

'These brutes are unrivalled in strength und, unfortunately, malevolence. We cannot recommend them for anything other than physical labour...

[Survivor's Foundation]

SF requests return of Jedi prisoner

 

This morning, the Survivor's Foundation, currently operating to cure the so-called "Zombie Virus" that struck The Gateway station, requested that the Jedi captured by the Empire's covert agents be returned.

 

"We are currently waiting for a response from the Jedi Grandmaster so we can identify the Jedi captured by Emperor Geki, but it has been made very clear that he was part of a mission to quarantine and assist Corsec in curing Gateway Station of the disease." Captain Vandro, looking a little tired, speaks. "From what I understand, the Rebellion's presence was requested here. It was the Foundation's that was unexpected.

 

"Several of Lieutenant Doppler's men have gone forward to commend the Jedi on his courage and skill in assisting Corsec in the quarantine. Because he was clearly not present on a military mission, I submit a request to the Emperor: release your prisoner. Make this a misunderstanding, not a veiled attempt at sabotaging our mission."

[Jae]

Jae's face came upon the screen, however the message was piggybacked onto another message directly to Darkwatch.

 

"This message is completely covert, therefore I can not say it's true content. I need to meet with you ASAP. Contact me when you deem necessary."

 

The message faded.

[Zeke]

A commercial comes on between an episode of a popular holonet broadcast. It shows several kids playing sports, with one obvious being slower and weaker then the rest.

 

Are you tired of being made fun of because you are weaker or slower then others?

 

The scene fades to a crisp, clean medical facility with the same slow, weak kid sitting in a hospital gown smiling and waving at the camera.

 

Well, if you are then we can help you! Our facilities on Byss offer genetic alterations, augmentation, and splicing!

 

The scene cuts to the same boy running past all the others to score a goal with relative ease as the others stare in amazement. His appearance is untouched, yet his strength and speed are astounding.

 

What do you think of the operation Johnny, was it a success?

 

The boy looks to the camera with a huge, toothy smile.

 

I can't say.

 

The omniscient announcer pipes in with an ”˜Oh? Why's that?'

 

Because I have to score a few more goals on them just to see how much better I am now!

 

The commercial goes to the corporation's logo as the side effects and risks are mentioned, said too fast for most to hear all of them

[Tarrian Skywalker]

Apologies for trying to impose moralistic measures and stifle creativity... I have no right to try to control the content of anybody's posts provided they conform with site rules... Please excuse my acting like the moral guardian of RP.

[Mirdala Ad'Goran]

Mos Eisley Cantina now under new management!

 

Come by and stop in for a drink!

 

Sorry, picture is stretching out thread...

 

 

There are a few policies that will be kept and some to be amended.

*No Droids allowed.

 

*Blasters, energy weapons, and thermo weapons are no longer permitted. You may keep your bladed weapons and fists, however.

 

 

Your first drink is free with a good tale! (Please see Ca'tra Dar'manda for details.)

[Ads-Gop Flif]

A man walks into view...

 

"The Ads corporation is very sorry that we had an inappropriate commercial. It was poorly written and somehow got past our quality control.We are very sorry and would like to offer 1000 credits to anyone negatively affected by this erroneous commercial. We apologize."

[Jae]

A bounty hunter popped onto the screen, known as Jae. His identity was hidden, but his voice remained loud and clear. The signal was piggybacked onto another message to where it was untraceable; The location of the message was covert. He spoke only three words.

 

"I can't say.."

[Vladimir Faust]

Jedi Leader Armiena Draygo Executed

 

Footage showss Faust's battle with the Jedi leader, concluding as he holds her aloft, then proceeds to disable her with a blow of his sword.

 

Following a daring attack on the rebel's headquarters, the great bounty hunter Vladimir Faust was able to captured the war criminal Armenia Draygo, leader of a band of Jedi cultists.

 

The next image shows the sobbing Jedi leader as she lead into an execution chamber and tied to what looks like a metal stake. Flames soon jet up from the floor, covering the screaming figure as she burns, screaming for mercy and crying to repent against the error of her ways. All that is left is blackened bones.

 

After a swift and merciful execution, she has been dealt with. His Majesty's forces promise the same fate to all who defy the Empire.

[ObliviousKnight]

Massive protests decry execution of Jedi Grandmaster

 

At the news of the highly-publicized execution of Jedi Armiena Draygo over the Holonet, citizens of many planets turned out in what has been described as ”œmassive numbers”

[Dark Devil]

Raden Kal-Koran posted this message across the galaxy through his death screams, just moments before he was murderously executed on Ryloth:

 

Static...Help, I'm going to die!...My dartcasters and Mandalorian armor are down, My helmet is nearly out of whack. My missle launching Jetpack is gone, as is My sniper rifle, blaster rifles, and cortosis vibroblades......I can't say if I am going to make it. If anyone hears this in time...Please Help Me!!!!

[ObliviousKnight]

Draygo's notes released to public

 

In an unprecedented move by the Jedi Order, select portions of Armiena Draygo's notes have been released to the public by the deceased Grandmaster's attorney. Unfortunately, most of them were withheld, citing intelligence clearances and the possibility of ”œvital resources”¦ and operatives in sensitive situations being compromised in the field,”

[Mr. Mortati]

A news broadcast on the business channel comes on, showing the emblem of widely known business ran by a very aggressive businessman.

 

"Today in Business, a man known only as Mr. Mortati bought out a majority share of the Celestial Construction Co. This will add to his already astounding holdings that have only been rising over the past months. These ship yards, combined with those he holds over the world of Roon will expectedly double his profits in the coming months."

 

The news goes on to report the closing numbers of the market, showing the stoke for CCC rising several points in the last hours.

[Black Sun Operative[s]]

Major accounting firm arrested in laundrying scandal as criminal is cleaned out.

 

The assets of an infamously incompetent criminal, known by the code name "Slicer" dissapeared following expropriation proceedings that appear to have been initiated by the criminal's accomplices. New Republic computers tracked efforts to diversify his holdings into new territories outside New Republic jurisdiction. A crack investigation team of outside business and accounting firms into this incident, pending formal legal action for the Republic, concluded that as this was going on, a worm program attached itself to the assets as they were being targetted and slowly leaked them away.

 

When the accountant working for the criminal tried to give himself a larger bonus, he was immediately overdrawn and taken for embezzlement and found to be drawing from non-existent funds. Because of the way the assets were diversified, tracing them to their various sources only served to make the criminal's assets harder for anyone to track down, including the man himself, who is currently languishing away in a New Republic prison.

 

An analyst into cyber crimes gave the statement that he has never seen anyone so "thoroughly and completely cleaned out, down to the last penny with no way of retrieving his assets." Though this presents some embarassament for Republic officials, word is out that an investigation will be launched. Experts say due to the two-fold layers of laundrying and diversifying, no one, except the new thieves will be able to find the assets.

[Hutt Fleet Commander]

Hutt Family Recovers Large Spice Shipment.

 

Spice, slaves, and weapons... The Hutt Family has it all just visit Tantooine for details... From the makers of the Net Bomb and the ones who brought death and destruction to the Galaxy in years past. Stop on by...

 

 

Prices and participation may vary. See your local Hutt Palace for details.

[Vladimir Faust]

Corruption in the Alliance!

 

Admiralty suspect in taking bribes for the release of war criminal.

 

Imperial Holonet-News Network:

 

Gala: Alliance leader Onderin Starlisk is under suspicion for corruption following the release of a criminal known by his codename Slicer. The release occured following a witnessed meeting between the Admiral and a former leader of the infamous Black Sun criminal organization known as Piccolo. Slicer is was arrested following his attempt single-handidly to steal an Imperial Super Star Destroyer seized by the Republic. During this bold act of terrorism, he killed several Alliance soldiers as he carved a bloody path to the bridge.

 

"Why he would be suddenly pardoned for his crimes reeks of collusion and corruption," states an annonymous critic with in the Alliance's ranks. "It's sad when this reaches the highest levels. There is no way I will follow orders from the Admiral anymore until this is explained."

 

Reports of large sums being deposited into a bank account owned by Admiral Starlisk are as of yet unverified, though we will keep you updated in regards to this growing scandal.

 

*****

 

In other news, shares of Bornaryn Trading jumped up 9% today, following rumors of new management from Rordis City.

 

*****

 

Emperor Geki wants you to join the Imperial Army and Navy.

 

His Imperial majesty's offers a once and a life time chance to bring order to this chaotic galaxy...

[Silas]

All the holonet broadcasters in the galaxy flicker and begin to display a new message. The message shows a small child of roughly 8 or 9 on his knees, another man behind him, shaking madly, holding a blaster to the childs head. Jacen Onnd stepped into the picture with a ski mask over his head, and began speaking.

 

"People of the galaxy. I have taken control of the luxury star cruiser known as the Queen of Naboo. If you ever wish to see any of the people aboard again, I suggest you begin contacting Onderin Starlisk, Jedi Master and Leader of the Rebel Alliance, and presurring him into giving into my demands. If he doesn't comply, all the people aboard will die, followed by many more.

 

For now, all I want is money. The longer he waits, the more it may change. He will contact the star cruiser where he will be given instructions on what he is to do. If I do not recieve my communication in the next 24 standard hours, all the children will die. After 48, half the people aboard will be dead.

 

The people of this galaxy need a wake up call. When someone is obviously outsmarting you, you listen to him. The man here with a blaster decided to disobey my orders, and killed one of my men. For that, he will be forced to shoot this child."

 

There was a wail from the mother in the background. Jacen motioned to the man to proceed, but the man hesitated. Jacen prodded him with the tip of his own blaster encouragingly. The man had already been told that if he didn't go through with the task both the child and himself would die.

 

A trigger was pulled and the smell of discharge filled the air. The small child fell face first into the cold metal floor and a look of sheer horror crossed the older mans face. Disgust overwhelmed him and he vommited all over the childs body. Jacen looked up, still in the ski mask, and spoke into the holovid.

 

"You have 24 hours."

 

The screen flashes and all holonet broadcasters return to the normal programming.

[Onderin Starlisk]

A message went on the Holonet from Admiral Onderin Starlisk of the Rebellion against the Empire:

 

"Captor of the Queen of Naboo," he said. "I am willing to listen to your terms. However, I will need to know your location if we are to meet in person, and I wish at least to contact you without the direct use of the Holonet.

 

"Please reveal your location or open a direct channel with Gala."

[ObliviousKnight]

Hydian Systems Found Regional Government

 

After weeks of deliberations, more than a third of the planets along the Hydian Way approved a new constitution, developing the largest regional government since the fall of the Republic years ago.

 

If anyone had noticed that the constitution of the Hydian Confederation was similar to that of the fallen Republic, few of the delegates had complaints concerning its content. Rather, requests to join the new regional government have flooded the Confederation's capitol on Eriadu.

 

 

 

”¦random news about some stock soaring as record profits are reported blah blah blah”¦

[ObliviousKnight]

"Sithly" Musical Scores Rave Reviews

 

Last night in Coronet City, the controversial new musical Go Die in a Fire: The Legend of Ar-Pharazon scored rave reviews from a number of critics on its debut performance. The upbeat barbershop "You Got the AIDS" and the sweeping "Slaughter The World" were especially crowd pleasers, meriting standing ovations from the audience.

 

Nikolas Trellian, performing arts investigator for the Coronet Weekly, remarked: "The constant references to mayhem, murder, galactic epidemics, eating babies, and burning entire worlds in hellfire first put me off, but when Ar-Pharazon infected a random person with AIDS, syphilis, and five different types of herpes 'because he could', I almost fell out of my seat with laughter!"

 

Uptight Jediwanabe, a member of the so-called "Lost Five Hundred", the Jedi who left the Order for other pursuits, was outraged by the performance. "Carnage? Genocide? These are atrocious topics for a supposed 'comedy!' The producers of this insult should be sued--nay, locked up and hung from irons for delivering this slap in the face to the galaxy!"

 

The infamous Sith Master, regarded as the man with the highest kill count in the galaxy, is currently "abroad". He is widely believed to have caused the disappearance of the Sombrero Galaxy in the night sky of Corellia--most likely through destructive means.