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Bounty Hunter Mike

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Having trouble with your cargo ships being raided by pirates, rogue Jedi, Alliance or Imperial forces?

 

Tired of hiring mercenaries whose heavily armed fleets might turn on a dime, or worse, are owned by the very pirates that originally stole your cargo?

 

Need an attack fighter to elimate a nuisance species (like gungans)?

 

Then we here at ISTS incorporated urge you to purchase this beauty, an AE-36M, our top of the line escort class light freighter. Fully loaded, this craft costs around 42,000,00 credits. For this low price, you get the following benefits...state of the art ablative armor, reinforced hull, reinforced shielding (its equal to some Victory class star destroyers) a sensor mask capable of reducing most positive IDs to visual only and enough room for two or three small fighters. For a mere 350,000 credits a piece, we will throw in a F36 Goblin snub fighter, faster and more maneuvrable than an Allaince A wing, with better shielding and 4 nose mounted quad cannons and six light proton torpedos each. If you buy a squad of three, we will reduce the fighter cost to a mere 900,000 credits.

 

The AE36 packs enough offensive / defensive fire power to give many ships pause. It packs no less than 4 quad mounted turrets, 2 turrets with our patented ion / proton torpedo mount 4 forward quad mounts along with 4 forward ion cannons and 4 rear ion cannons.

 

For a few credits more, we will provide enough R-9 (Arnie series) to complement the craft so that it can have a crew of one!

 

This model is the favorite of newsman turned bounty hunter Ken Marich, whose spectactular kills include the Sith apprentice whom helped ruin his broadcast career, a pair of smugglers from the Coruscant and Corellian areas whom should have known better, and his adhoc defense of a small Tatooine settlement from Tuscan Raiders.

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The commercial was an obnoxious one, guaranteed to attract the notice ofpre-teen boys everywhere to the groans of their parents much abused credit.

 

It started with a slow pan and zoom of a small bunch of young men hunkered around a holographic display panel. A three dimensional cube was unveiled to be the center of their attention, and in that cube were minature replicas of the various capital ships, snub fighters and support vessels of both the imperial, alliance, and minor faction navies from throughout the known galaxy.

 

"Be the first on your block to own the newest tabletop hologame of the season!" proclaimed an annoying high pitched announcer. "Get Starfleet Admiral today and command the best of the best in such famous battles as Yavin IV, Hoth, Coruscant and a myriad of others. Or create battles of you own among the asteroids of the Hoth System or the ruins of Alderon system! Limitless hours of destruction rampant throughout a galaxy of possibilities. Get yours today"

 

In fine print at the bottom was fine print stating: "Official licennsee of Empire games ltd. throught the auspices of the Imperial Educational System"

 

Quietly, agents of Imperial Intelligence removed the alliance operative whom had shopped the original programming and the source code for STARFLEET ADMIRALS.

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John's ego took the better of him, or what would appear to many as ego, but the true reason of dawdling uncertainty was a worry, a bond of his with another person. Outside this duel, across many kilometers, as she fell to a Jedi... succumbing to capture. He froze, an expression of fear, the first time it came across the Skywalker, despite the barrage of the Jedi Knight.

 

Sirvani...

 

One would call the Jedi opportunistic, others would see it as quelling the darkness of his opponent, others would see as fate working her magic.

 

When John's eyes fell upon the rampaging Jedi, the seconds wore on for hours as if time itself bent about the two men giving way for John's thoughts to exit his mind and touch the Force... a blanket message that only she would hear deep within.

 

I'll come for you, I promise...

 

And then Andon's shoulder collapsed his rib cage, splintering bone fragments and causing a forced exhale leaving the Sith's lung clawing for air while none entered. And in an instant of flight, he felt the sudden impact of the doubly-thick window pane as it shattered about them. Crystal shards slicing through his robes and into his back, tearing the top layers of his skin to shreds. He felt the trickle of blood as it painted his skin crimson. The very saliva in his mouth glistened as the impact took note and then, his exposed skin felt the touch of cold. The very cold mass of air that was the densely polluted atmosphere of Coruscant... his mind summised one of two things from the current predicament and he felt the Jedi's weight no longer press on his body and the buildings that surrounded their battle began to seemingly blur upwards into the sky.

 

His eyes blinked as he tried to analyze the layers upon layers of aero-car traffic above him and undoubtedly below them, he bent his head to stare at the Jedi's face as he also came to the same realization.

 

"YOU ARE INSANE!"

 

John's ego would totally have led him to have attempted to test free-fall but only when his full health was about him, never in their current condition. The very bone fragments that grinded about within his flesh began to be pulled towards the immense central mass of the core of Coruscant and they tore holes all about his body. It would have been excruciating, if the air resistance of their bodies didn't in effect null the gravitational pull of the planet on the splintered bones.

 

Instead, he hurled a fist that missed Andon initially and made the two seemingly tumble haphazardly and separate from the conjoined form of the beginning of the fall.

 

John's eyes capitalized on the continued aero-car traffic, noting the frequency of how often they almost were hit by a female driver on her in-car communicator, "LIKE OMG! THESE CRAZY GUYS ARE, LIKE FLYING THROUGH CORUSCANT! YOU BELIEVE THAT! I BETTER HURRY OR I'LL MISS NABOO LAGOON BEACH!"

 

John's own lips uttered the phrase, "Colos... this has got to be the worst idea anybody has ever had. And did you see that chick? Blind men still drive better than women with six or seven eyes."

 

The very scene was then underwritten with a random Attorney At-Law commercial against Sexual Discrimination.

 

John crossed his arms, finding that if he tried to punch Colos again... he'd likely collide with a building and leave his face on it, so instead, he looked at the Jedi, "Well... since we're going to... be here a while, any ideas? How about a game of Pazaak?"

 

Finding another opportunity, an aero-car, once more piloted by a female came awfully close and he kicked himself off of it through the force, the twist in momentum and inertia brought John within arm's length of Colos which brought John's his fist across the Jedi's face.

 

"I hope we figure out how to aim for the ground and miss... or we're screwed. In like twenty minutes, or is it twenty-five?"

 

To those watching on the Holonet a timer appeared in the corner with a comm frequency for a Holonet wage on whether the two would survive the fall... the waging had already been settled on the victor after the Jedi sentenced both to certain death, but just in case... the odds were, sadly 1 : 5x 10^29 against them. A timer also complemented the odds, indicating the "Jedi" each had approximately 00:24:56 standard galactic minutes left before the estimated initial meeting with the ground far, far, far below.

Heathen Master of the Lords of Hate

KR: I'm like the freakin' Martha Stewart of Chaos.

 

He was also a Marxist, which is dumb.
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All citizens, come witness the truth of both the Sith and the Jedi way. No matter how they claim to want peace or be willing to bring us peace, here is the truth. Mortal combatants locked in a perpetual battle on whose peririphery lies the broken bodies and dying dreams of the innocent. I say expell both orders from the ivory towers and let them earn their keep as normal citizens. Then we shall see how their lofty precepts serve them!

 

Join me in rallying the militaries of both the empire and the alliance in exterminating the dark warriors that bestride our respective systems of government and whom pollute the very air we, the honest citizens breathe.

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Needless to say, the rush of wind against his open wounds brought a mixed bag of feelings to the Jedi Knight; the coolness of the air was refreshing, but the dirt and soot of the mega metropolis stung like venom in the deep crimson gashes. As John looked down at him”¦ up at him”¦ whatever, it was clear to Andon that he was not at all amused by the stunt he had pulled.

 

”œMe? Insane? Hardly”¦ I've just acquired a fondness for cheating death in a spectacular fashion. I thought you Sith were supposed to laugh in the face of death.”

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John's eyes turned to focus on the white cylinder, "You smoke? Those things will kill you..." then, his eyes turned down to ever-approaching ground, "actually, hand me one."

 

The Jedi, begrudgingly offered the Sith a cancer stick, and John, bringing his finger to the end, as the thin white cylinder lay trapped within his lips, let his finger tip erupt into a small flame and he inhaled deeply. "I love th dark side... I've got a personal lighter attached permanent on my person as long as I keep my limbs intact."

 

He blinked as he exhaled, "The message? You spying on me, Jedi?"

 

He chuckled as he took another drag and moved the cylinder from his lips, "Yes, she and I are to be wed, eventually... if the Force doesn't stop trying to kill me, surely that can alert you to my apprehensive tendencies especially with your insanity. I don't know about Jedi, but I'm quite partial to the sex."

 

He put the cigarette back between his lips, taking another long drag, "What about you? You in with the Dark Lord's plaything... I mean, I've heard she's done more random men that calling her the village speeder is an understatement."

 

And then he looked at the burning cinders and smirked.

 

Chuckling once more, "or does she still hit you like a ton of bricks when I say her name? I mean, Montar's been gone or dead... and she's been gone since." John began to shuffle with his lightsaber, "You'll laugh at this..."

 

He twisted the end of the handle and a small silver metallic cylinder popped out into his hand, falling into it with a thud. "Damn gravity... oh that reminds me, it's more of 9.8 not 9.2, they don't teach you Jedi any physics, do they?"

 

He took the tiny metallic cylinder and with the lit cigarette resting on the side of his mouth, he used his teeth to twist the canister and spit out the cap, "Not like it'll survive the fall..."

 

He took a long, steady swig, the burning fluid stinging as it flowed down his throat, his Adam's apple contorting as it did, he then removed it and offered it to the Jedi.

 

"You're right... relax and such. I mean we'll hit the ground in approximately fifteen minutes, our entire bone structure will collapse into itself, our flesh will create a cushion of sorts that will make us bounce several times before we've been declared dead. I doubt we'll be able to feel it, though, our nerve endings should be shot to hell before we reach the ground."

 

He took another long drag, leaving about a quarter of the cigarette and three-quarters of ash, hanging off the end that disintegrate into the sky above them...

Heathen Master of the Lords of Hate

KR: I'm like the freakin' Martha Stewart of Chaos.

 

He was also a Marxist, which is dumb.
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Andon chuckled quietly as the Skywalker spoke of marriage and the Force's seemingly endless plot to kill him off before he could accomplish the act. It did explain why John had reacted in contempt to he and the Jedi's plight through the Coruscant skyline... but what good is life worth living if you don't cheat death?

 

"As surprising as it may be, the life of a Jedi doesn't give one many opportunities for sex... it's all meditating and self-sacrifice and doing the greater good. You think the Force would reward us after awhile, but it just hands us more of the same."

 

The farther Colos fell, the lighter he felt... the blood streaming freely from his wounds and the oxygen coming in shorter bursts to his lungs; movement of any kind was a near unattainable chore. The blow to his head had more then likely caused a concussion and the effects were beginning to present themself slowly. Ever so slightly, he could feel his vision begin to fall to the first wave of an all consuming haze.

 

"Dark Lord's plaything? The only Sith I've come in contact with was Alora... but that was nothing serious. Just a game of touch and feel in order to try and bring her back to the light."

 

He paused, taking a long drag in order to try and clear his head.

 

"I delved myself further into the darkness in order to reach her... but I only ended up driving her deeper into her spiral." He exhaled the smoke through his nostrils. "Just a past deed that ended up turning into a sin."

 

Silence overcame the Knight in the next few moments. For the longest time he had sensed Ara's presence in the temple trapped in a seemingly endless pit of sorrow and torment... but the edges of her aura were traced with hope and resilience; the very emotions she was feeling in fact drove the Knight to fight past all that was holding him back. If Ara could fight on in spite of adversity then Andon very well could too... but as if out of nowhere her aura was emraced in total light and then vanished. Is she... is she dead... That singular thought was shattered as the Skywalker's words careened across his consciousness. He didn't. He did. He couldn't. He could. This can't be. It can. He wouldn't accept it. He'd have to. Dammit.

 

The world shifted to a state of perpetual deja vu and his mind's stigmata winked into existence as motions seemed drawn out and harsh. He stared in disbelief at what materialized just behind John's shoulder, the words he spoke becoming feinter and feinter as the whispers along the edge of Andon's ears became louder and louder. He forced his eyes to blink, opening them once more to only realize that whether his gaze was focused or cut off from sensory information he still saw the same image.

 

The same soft features. The same eyes... the same smile. The same brandy brown hair. He quickly removed the cigarette from his mouth to make sure it was indeed a ciagarette, which it was, much to his disbelief. He looked back up, the specter now free some sight as the Jedi let out a sigh of relief... the blood freezing in his veins as the pressure of a hand was placed on his shoulder; a touch that he knew all too well. She was so warm, considering everything that had happened. John had already begun drinking, but Andon just know responded to a previous question.

 

"She's just that... she's gone. I don't mean she's hiding somewhere... she's gone. I felt her signature fade away a year or so ago... I try and sense her everywhere I go... but I only get distant echoes."

 

And with that, the Jedi took a swig of the small flask of alcohol that was handed to him. His eternal struggle of trying to separate reality from the dream as Andon felt her arm slide across his back and her chin rest on his shoulder... the Jedi taking another swig. He wondered if John could feel her presence as well or if he had just lost all sense of reason as the blood continued to gush from his wounds; the ground becoming larger than life every passing moment.

 

Along the bottom of the holonet screen, the odds against them living had been bumped up to 1 : 6x 10^29... the countdown clock ticking away to only 00:15:36 before their eventual impact.

 

The Jedi and Sith kept exchanging the flask until it was empty, Andon hapharzardly tossing it away once it no longer served a purpose. Hazel eyes closed one more as he felt himself giving way to her phantom call... the soothing voice drawing him deeper and deeper to the fate he had long dodged.

 

Let it all go... I'm waiting for you here. I've always been waiting for you here... come home.

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The empty liquor canister smashed a window on it's way down, despite twisting in such an odd angle that it would have had physicists reeling for millenia, if they had never been ones to experience free-fall... and most physicists were old and frail, not risk-takers, not Masters of their Universe, not disciples of such a warped and splendid, twisted yet untouched thing as the Force that swirled madly about the two men; that they would ever dare to defy such a resolute, cold, stone-hearted thing as gravity or tempt death.

 

It was in this moment that the alcohol began to take effect and John's mind felt heavy, although his body relaxed into nothingness, he felt it all encompassing him... as Andon's soliloquoy with the love of his life came to an end, John knew it was soon to be over, it had to be over.

 

Time ceased now and they were suspended... and yet everything that had been surrounding them continued to mesh about them in blurs.

 

The grounds of the Upper Levels engulfed them as they continued to test the limits of their existence. Scores of aerotaxis and transports passed about them and they still fell... passing as nothing more than swirling lights and flashing images.

 

The counter ran to 00:10:00 Standard Galactic Minutes.

 

Falling...

 

Falling...

 

It never has felt this way before.

 

His mind's eye reached out to her, touching her, before his rapture.

 

I am at the end...

 

I am at my end...

 

There is no way for me to turn back.

 

In his heart of hearts he had never felt anything more pure than this moment, the only thing that could have come close was the day atop Raxus Prime, risking his existence and bonding with her, forever... and now, the limits of that bond would be tested, would be forged... a single, last moment.

 

The darkness enveloped them, the Bowels of Coruscant enclosing all around them (John and Andon), he felt the cinders of his last cigarette cascade above him, watching the glow dance through the darkness before fading out. Snuffed by the cold harshness of our reality.

 

The counter reached 00:05:00 Standard Galactic Minutes.

 

I can see it...

 

I can see it...

 

Things are about to...

 

He let one last kiss reach her, testing the strength of the force that flowed from him... and in a burst of the Force John's message would cross the galaxy, from it's core to a practical, functional house on Naboo.

 

00:01:29 Standard Galatic Minutes left.

 

Change.

 

Change.

 

I only wish to...

The dimly lit streets of the Bowels came into John's peripheral vision, he extended his body, legs crossed at the ankles, arms open and palms facing the trappings of the Coruscant skyline. His eyes were closed as time, causality, destiny, fate and the Force struck their final chords for the Sith Master. And all he graced them with was a smile.

 

To tell you...

 

To tell you...

 

How much...

 

00:00:10

 

I...

 

There was nothing left, he could sense the struggles that had been concluded the resounding smash of the warhammer, the absence of Ara, the explosions that rocked Faust from within, Malin's disease... it was over. The Titans had clashed and not a one had anything to gain from it.

 

00:00:09

 

He felt the air rip across his nerves, slicing open more of his wounds and he could feel the reveberations of heat and coldness that the ground held in store for him, he could feel...

 

00:00:06

 

love...

 

He could almost see the burnt flesh of Talon, Sirvani's ailing vision, the death and decay of corpses... the stench of death with the sweat of the living ripped apart his nostrils. And then he returned to his own blanketing existence...

 

00:00:03

 

The very currents of the Force ripping his soul from it's shell, the air, what was left escaped his lungs... his twin possessions left his hands, cascading to the ground beside them in unison.

 

00:00:01 Standard Galactic Minutes left.

 

A lone bystander saw the weirdest event that night... and his vision is no more, for what he saw sent shockwaves that transcend the living plane in the Bowels of Coruscant spanning several kilometers. The very Holonetfeed short-circuited as the cameras that had been trailing the two men on their fall, the very eyes of a lone bystander, the very blocks of Coruscant that could have witnessed the event, all that should have, could have, would have...were undone.

 

For like all stars, there is nothing brighter than their end, something that transcends spatial dimensions and burns still bright in galaxies away, seemingly timeless.

 

A final whisper would reach her ears, posthumously, one could only assume.

 

you.

Heathen Master of the Lords of Hate

KR: I'm like the freakin' Martha Stewart of Chaos.

 

He was also a Marxist, which is dumb.
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My whole life I've fought endlessly. A quarter of a century spent in the trenches with the dogs clawing away for every inch of ground I've taken in every battle I've fought.

 

He could feel the heat coming for him. He could feel the endless cold that wrapped its hand tight around his heart and squeezed it full of shame for every deed he'd ever done wrong... the regret for hesitating when he should have acted... humiliation for when he had gone too far.

 

An entire life dedicated to protecting others. Their needs placed above my own as I sacrificed everything I had in order to ensure they'd live to see another day. Every dream I ever had crushed so that the innocent could sleep safely at night... I saved so many others, yet in the end it is I who truly needed saving.

 

Talon... Ara... Ashley... Leo... Orrick... Hale; he could see all of their faces and he could hear the feintest hint of what their voices sounded like in his head. It was beginning to get harder and harder to recall such simple things, the memories he once held so precious were beginning to slip away and bond with the universal ether that connected us all. It was all leaving him... all of it except for her... no matter what he'd never forget her taste.

 

Things that deterred others from continuing would only make me fight harder... no risk too great, no mission beyond my capabilities. A whole life spent fighting for something more, yet gaining nothing. A whole life spent fighting, and at the eve of my death I go quietly into the night without struggle or resistance. A whole life spent fighting, and it is only in my last moments that I truly learn what it means to be a "Jedi".

 

Fight, kill, die. Fight, kill, die. Fight, kill, die. It was the only cycle that humanity knew and sadly for most it would be the only cycle they would ever accept. They resist and fight and rage and scream and plot and betray... all for what? The things we gain in this world are only with us for a short time... the skills we master only serve a purpose for the equivalent of a blink in the cosmic time scale. Nothing that we could ever do would matter, yet that means the only thing that matters is what little we can do.

 

The bottom was in sight now, his counter-part closing his eyes and he faced death with a smile, but Andon wouldn't give that cruel mistress the pleasure. He looked head on at the fate that awaited him, his face empty and solemn as he quietly let go of everything that he had ever had in his life. What seemed so precious before drifted away from his consciousness, leaving only a numbing sense of peace as the smallest of smirks crossed his face.

 

"42... it makes perfect sense now..."

 

In essence, their is no such thing as the "past" and the "future"... for time is just a creation of man in order to make sense of an existence that had no reason to begin with. In truth, all we ever have are moments and in this moment both the Skywalker's and the Jedi's auras shimmered in an unnatural beauty for one shining and brilliant moment as their entire beings encompassed the vastness of the galaxy and the intricacies that made up the emptiness that bridged the gaps between the stars. For one brilliant moment their auras flickered like a candle down to its last breath and then... nothingingness; such shimmering beacons of life merely faded away in an instant. I'm coming home to you...

 

The holonetfeed fell to static as all those who were watching gaped at their screens in disbelief. One minute two men were falling and the next they were nothing more then a flash of light, a glimpse of hope and the ache of despair. In a single breath, it all gave way to the crackling of empty static...

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A pretaped message is displayed on Holonet. It is a what is young woman, though her appearance is definitely older looking and very, if not hauntingly familiar to many of the galaxy, resembling one who indeed gave whole world nightmares.

 

"My name is Anastasia Faust. You remember my brother, Vladimir, who has left his mark on the galaxy." Her voice is rich, yet choked with emotion and sorrow.

 

"I was informed of his recent demise following a contract undertaken on Coruscant. His executors have given me the details of his life and death, and his holdings."

 

The two of us grew up on the hellish, war torn world that was our birthplace, the only refuge for our Jedi parents after Order 66 was issued. He was my protector, up until one fateful day that left him scarred. I was believed blown to bits in an explosion. I do not think he ever forgave himself for that. In truth I was taken prisoner by another warlord. I endured.... I do not wish to recall it now.

 

I escaped off world and lived in quiet obscurity, running from my past. I believed my own family dead. My brother knew I was alive it seems, having tracked me down, but for reasons of protecting me- both from the enemies he made, and what I think he would have feared most- my seeing what he became, he told everyone I was dead.

 

I was contacted recently and given his will. He explained he was alive and was watching over me. He gave me access to his ill gotten gains. I think he knew that what he was doing was wrong..." There is another choked sob. "He couldn't make amends, so he left it to me. I am, in the name of my borther and our parents, vowing to right the wrongs he committed and bring peace to the galaxy. I will be setting up a charatable organization dedicated to pacifism and the fighting of war, and alieving the suffering it causes. I would ask for your support in this. Forgiveness can follow later. I realize others are rejoycing even as I mourn. I know what was done by Vlad, but he was my brother. I realize his evil may endure beyond his passing, but I think we can work to amend it, and make the galaxy a better place."

Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences.

- Beverly Flanigan.

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The opening scene is of a miserable looking town, the buildings are dilapidated and what looks like a small river runs through the middle of the town. The camera zooms in and the small river is indeed a river, but the red coloring immediately clarifes what substance it is.

 

There is only the sound of the dripping blood heard. Entire moments pass as the remanants of what were once human beings float past the camera lens, some still clutching weapons.

 

The field of view widens, the observer not content with just watching the flood of human remains. It begins to take in more details of the 2nd and 3rd stories of those buildings, from whose windows dangle the ropes, some with body parts still attached, from which the frail bodies of the town's citizens were stretched until their limbs went different directions.

 

Upstream the view goes, with not a word from anyone. The testimony remains the stream of human remains that flow downstream. The camera stops on a building familiar to every citezen of the galaxy. Emerging from its classical front entrance is the start of the red tinted stream all are bearng witness today. It starts from a small altar, upon which a current sacrifice is being readied. The Jedi, one dressed in black and bearing Sith symbols, the other, dressed in white, both simultaneously lift their lightsabers and cut open the wailing man upon the marble block. Both silently look on as the quickly dismembered body slips from the altar and joins the stream flowing forth. Before long, they are readying for another victim when the camera zooms to the hooded jedi.

 

In the pause between victims, the two Jedi remove their hoods. Both are of the same person and a chilling voice calls out from somewhere off camera. "Kira you are mine now and forever." The last thing the cameraman focuses on are the symbol above the altar and embroidered upon the altar cloth. It is an abstract painting of a Jedi, relatively unknown to all but those whom frequent the temple.

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*For the final touch...*

 

A new Holonet camera approached the site that was recently filled with life to find a kilometer wide smoldering crater.

 

Ash and soot blew wildy about the catastrophic site... and as the lens of the camera centered on the crater's meniscus, focusing on two bodies surrounded by thick pools of blood. Broken shells of spirits too big for their trappings...

 

An elderly couple managed to drag the two bodies out of the crater and surprisingly found that the two bodies were still... breathing as bubbles of blood escaped from their mouths.

Heathen Master of the Lords of Hate

KR: I'm like the freakin' Martha Stewart of Chaos.

 

He was also a Marxist, which is dumb.
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OOC: Not an intentional Alias Stack...

 

IC:

Holonet Cameras begin to take notice of the affairs occuring in the Hapes Cluster... silently, as dawn begins to break out over the country side a band of Amazonian women dressed in full armor began to walk in direction of a small peaceful community of male-slaves working and dredging the fields.

 

The lead woman, armed with a long, spiked whip begins striking at the young man of about 20, violently. His skin being torn apart violently and carelessly, blood spraying as mist and globules into the air.

 

And a soft, warm voice appears in the background, "This, oh great Citizens, has been occuring in our very own backyard... enslavement, violent and brutal of our companions in the Hapes Cluster. Let it be known... my Empire has gone to correct this most horrid and treacherous injustice! Supporting local underground resistance leaders, radical artists and protestors and several other locals who tire of this FEMININE OPPRESSION!"

 

Phillep's face can now be seen blending into the screen... "We have been monitoring the situation for some time, waiting to see if the slow beast of the Rebellion will march and correct these obvious injustices and have found nothing, not a single movement. Instead, they contain themselves with rushing to the aid of those demented Jedi! We have seen their actions on the Holonet... ruthlessly murdering children with not a SINGLE SIGN OF REMORSE, we have seen them perform DASTARDLY ACTS, several non-partisan Holonet Anchors have called you to this attention... and for what?"

 

Pictures of the Duel Between the Jedi Knight and the Sith Master show the destruction of the dilapitated City, lightsaber fights across the galaxy begin to be seen, including the destruction of Mimban, the murder of several children on transports, the kidnapping of said children, pictures of walls covered in blood with cryptic messages and corpses murdered by signs of lightsabers or Force-induced pains and traumas.

 

"The Empire has no Dominion over the Galactic Center... any motion into it and we will be seen as Enemies of the Stagnant Beast! Thus we have made our move to stop these INCESSANT CRUELTIES!"

 

The video that was printed above centers on the young man of 20 and begins age progression, showing a battle-hardened soldier toting an E-11, leading several Revolts in numerous exterior towns.

 

"This young man, this HERO of the Hapan Men has stood up to the Queen and together with my humble assistances and military support, has led numerous succesful attacks against the MILITANT FEMINISTS OF THE HAPEN CLUSTER!"

 

Action shots show how a rag-tag bunch of peasants armed with antiquated DL-45s and poorly modified E-11s begin a raid on several supply depots in the Hapes Cluster.

 

"LET IT BE KNOWN, THE MEN OF THE HAPES CLUSTER HAVE DECLARED REVOLUTION! A REVOLUTION TO BECOME MORE THAN SLAVES TO THEIR FEMALE OPPRESSORS!"

 

*More battle scenes spring up as several more 'peasants' carrying Imperial arms and armor begin more and more raids against supply depots, town centers, telecommunications bunkers, military towers, etc.*

 

"SOON THE CAPITAL WILL BE THEIR'S! SOON HAPES WILL BE FREED OF THE FEMI-NAZI REGIME! SOON, A FATHER WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE HIS SON TO A CANTINA IN PEACE WITHOUT THE MOTHER'S DOMINEERING CALLS! SOON A MAN WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY A COLD BEER IN PEACE! SOON, HAPES WILL ENJOY THE FREEDOMS THE REST OF THE GALAXY WILL ENJOY!"

 

A large Imperial emblem appears on the screen...

 

"JOIN THE EMPIRE TODAY AND LIBERATE YOUR WORLD TOMMOROW!"

 

With that Phillep's face blanks out and the Holonet screens return to normal, the communication intrusion heavily encrypted and piggy-backed on several different channels, isolated from a total silence from Hapes, as all communications were being blocked.

phillep.jpg

 

--Holo to the Rebel Alliance--

*Raiden's ass appeared on the monitors again, only this time with a smiley face drawn on it.*

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Rumors start somewhere. This rumor began when a freighter captain taking a little used route with less than legal cargo found himself making a frantic call for help after being dumped from hyperspace because a sudden mass shadow had appeared upon what was once a clear hyperspace route.

 

His ship, a battered veteran of the space lanes finally found a foe she could not over come and shrieked her protest even as her captain trasmitted a mayday which brought an Alliance cruiser in pursuit.

 

Even as the battle wagon entered the system from which the freighter had transmitted its last, the captain and the crew realized something was wrong. Frantic orders were issued and the great leviathon began to ponderously turn about to escape.

 

She never made it. Sirens screamed, and men and women rushed about trying to correct what was wrong, but to no avail. Soon, the valiant ship and her crew joined their fates with that of the unknown frieighter and dissappeared from the eyes of man.

 

For a great ship to dissappear so deep in the core of the galaxy while responding to an emergency alert prompted officials to began an official inquiry into the incidents, even as the marked the area where the dissappearances occured on the star maps as being off-limits to all but official personel.

 

A lone Jedi knight, volunteered to go to the outermost point of the system and stretch his awareness into the void and see what she could locate. Upon her arrival their, she set her chronometer to awaken her after she rested from her long journey.

 

She awoke and entered the meditation that would connect her to the force. Granting a rare priviledge, she allowed alliance leaders to listen to her verbal commentary on the vision she recieved from the force. Her last transmission sealed the fate of the hyperspace route. It was closed off, forever forbidden to all but the most foolhardy or those possessing maps not available to the common traveler.

 

Her last transmission: "Those whose light have gone from the galaxy will blaze again, and bring light to that which once numbered among the heavenly host."

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Along a dangerous and often bypassed hyperspace route, a strange cacophony erupts to those whose sensors are modern enough to catch the various phenomena that are rippling through one section of the route.

 

Dormant for over a century, the area that has become know as the Black Mass is once again active, shutting down a route used by smuggler's attempting to enter the core regions.

 

Immense waves that when analyzed turn out to be ripples in space/time itself pulse inward towards this point. The closer to the Mass the waves come, the more massive the waves become.

 

Ships long rumored lost and some better forgotten by the galaxy make brief appearances and then dissappear, some lingering for days, others but minutes.

 

It is a rogue Jedi, long forgotten by the order that gets the first inkling of what is going on. Passing through the route and using the force to aid that transit, he is rendered unconscious by the presence of a singularity in the area that has a mirror in the force.

 

Attempts to inform the jedi temple of the phenomenon are all but useless. Spurned for the last time, he turns dark with the rejection, steals a shuttle and returns to the singularity where he promple attempts to harness the massive amount of darkside energy being supplied in the area.

 

He is annihilated by a pulse of light side energy three times as massive as the darkside energy he had drawn to himself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In the classified section of the Imperial daily times, a notice is posted concerning the up and coming auction of the art treasures formerly belonging to the Hut know as Urtlu.

 

In the obits column is listed a notice that the Hutt named Urtlu died three days before the notice was printed.

 

A local crimestoppers unit cheers its newest hero, the masked hero whom was seen entered the lair of Urtlu the Hutt and whom was not found among the massacred dead in his den. Imperial soldiers are suprised to find that all of them appeared to be have cut down before they can draw their weapons, each being in the room double tapped by a low powered slug thrower, except the Hutt.

 

The Hut had died in agony, sliced into dozens of small pieces by a vibro-pike that had been inserted into the back of its skull and was still sitting there like a fencepost when Imperial Officers arrived there. The assailant was presumed to have taken in off in the highly specialized, highly illegal and entirely unknown attack craft that had been stored in the small private hanger on the Hutt's grounds.

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  • 2 weeks later...

The image flickered, and then settled. It showed massive destruction, from what looked like grenades. From out of nowhere, a voice was heard. It sounded like the owner of the store, Jarnok. "This is what is left of my store. I single-handidly killed two intruders with my illegal disruptor rifle. I love that gun. Anyway, I killed both of them, and then tried to destroy my shop to get insurance. Hopefully it'll work. I hope I-" The voice stopped abruptly. "Sith-spit! It was on Holonet? I wanted it on my journal video! SITH-SPAWN!" And then the video flickered out.

"What are you doing?"

"Thinking about God."

"In a corner?"

"Faith is not in a floor plan..."

Draj3.jpg

Best Music Video EVER

I survived the Big Crash of '04

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((KVC here- too lazy to change aliases- Just giving a heads up that Draj's post above is nulled pending a ruling in the Gunshop. Onto your regularly schedueled post...))

 

... and that is why CorSec authorities are still investigating the dissapearance of yet another archeologist in who specialized in studying the repulsor systems underneath the planets in the Corellia system.

 

Faust Heiress to Visit Hapes Cluster on Diplomatic Mission

 

Galactic AP

 

Coruscant:

 

Breaking a long standing record of enimity and open warfare between the Alliance and Empire, Anastasia Faust, Heiress to the bounty hunter Vladimir Faust left earlier today to negotiate a peace settlement between the citizens of the Hapes Cluster and the Empire. Reports have leaked out about abuses committed against the matriarcical society there.

 

In a pre-released statement given to the press, Miss Anastasia gave this statement.

 

"I do not wish to see the needless resort to arms when a more peacable solution will present itself. The whole galaxy has its eye turned to the Hapes Cluster. I believe the Imperials to be rational, sensible people, and open to negotiations for better treatment towards the inhabitants of territories they are occupying. The Alliance is backing me up on this mission to make sure that my voice is heard, though this does not mean I condone their military programs."

 

Anastasia has generated a stir of controversy since her metoric rise into the public sphere. After her brother's death following an attack on the Jedi Temple by Jedi Leader Ara-Lai Kaipi, she stepped onto the public scene to use her new fortune to work for a peaceful future. Her first act of charity was to donate an undisclosed sum to the Jedi for the rebuilding of their temple.

 

When asked about her late brother, wanted by authorities for his suspected role in the devistating shield collapse of Coruscant, Anastasia issued this statement. "My brother is dead and he died as he lived. I am not my brother and am my own person. I do not condone the decisions he made and will be working long to atone for what he did in his life." She stated that her brother's body was being preserved for a public funeral sometime later this month. News to that has received a general outrage from many people, many of whom were believed to have ben victims of the hunter's actions.

 

"His body should be burned and his corpse spat on!" stated one Coruscant native, whose home was destroyed in the collapse.

 

"I don't know how I feel about a public funeral," stated Prof. Throwsarf, a political commentator and Ilum native. "Fausts and funerals usually aren't a good combination. Even with Anastasia having the best of intentions, I can see something going horribly wrong here. I don't think his previous victims will stand for it."

 

When we contacted Imperials about their reaction to the impending visit by Miss Faust and their behavior in the Hapes Cluster, there were no definitive responses.

 

We will have more on this story as it develops.

 

Thrope Corporation's Stocks Dip in Wake of Investigation Concerns

 

Galactic AP

 

Coruscant: Amid fears of an investigation into...

Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences.

- Beverly Flanigan.

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Dateline- Coruscant- Cenetaur Building.

Yuna Garsh reporting.

 

As the Senate opened an investigation into Thorpe Corporations holdings this marks the third time Lycus Thorpe has been under scrutiny. Thorpe a Trillionare Industrialist, Fundamentalist, Humanitarian, and former trial lawyer, is one of many former Imperials to make good. Public opinion polls show that a large percentage of those polled believe that Thorpe Co. is good for the Republic, but thier are those that believe otherwise.

 

"Mr. Thorpe! Mister Thorpe!"

 

"What about the invest-"

 

"Are you really fundin-"

 

"Do you have a jedi mercenar-"

 

"Is it true you were an Imperial Commander!"

 

With a full blown investigation into his holdings, Lycus Thorpe held a press conference to alliviate concerns over his companies standing. "I WAS an Imperial Commander, as many people were, during the war I resigned my commision because of the horrible attrocites I saw, I refused to take part. I founded Thorpe Corporation to help the common man, and at the same time insure that future generations could live in a galaxy that cared. To that end Thorpe Corporation has made millions of supply drops and relief runs to hundreds of worlds."

 

"What of the rumours that you employ dark jedi!"

 

"I think everyone here knows and understands that having a lightsaber doesn't make you anything special. Some of my agents have been known to use lightsabers as part of thier own personal protection. I can assure you and the public that jedi are the least of my allies."

 

"Some speculate that Thorpe Corporation stands to lose millions of credits if Miss Faust is successful in the Hapes Cluster where do you stand on Miss Faust?"

 

"I think Miss Faust stands to do a lot of good for people who may or may not need it. To be frank she could have started, where her brother killed millions of citizens, we have over half of a million people here still underfed and in poverty, or she could have begun on any countless worlds that have suffering, personally I have my doubts. Also I worry for Miss Fausts' saftey, thier are a lot of angry people out there."

 

"No more questions...thank you."

 

Lycus stepped from the podium as more questions were hurled at him.

 

"This is Corellia Holonet Broadcasting, Yuna Garsh reporting."

thorpe.jpg

"A New Age of Corporate controlled prosperity is upon us...say goodbye to chaos and dischord."

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.. and so, after the mess was removed from the sewage system, nausiating over 23,000 citizens, Coruscant authorities have vowed to seek legislation banning the import of Galvinian stink bugs, despite strong protests from the financial sector.

 

New Hapes Cluster Constitution in Works?

 

Galactic AP-

 

Hapes Cluster: Following a publically recorded meeting between Admiral Phillep and peace worker Anastasia Faust, a new constitution was promised for the Hapes Cluster, set to meet standards of "liberty and equality" according to Ms. Faust.

 

News of this has reached the Alliance, where it is expected to have a dampening effect on the call to arms to liberate the cluster. When asked about this, Anastasia released this statement.

 

"I see this as a good. Though I cannot condone military occupation, it is the reality of the matter. The Empire will not go away, but I believe that democracy and peace can blunt its belligerent edge and over time, make their militant, autocratic stance unnecessary. I trust in my pacifist ideals and will stick by them, and what happened at the Hapes Cluster may yet show hope for this galaxy even among the worst of situations."

 

She followed up by saying that if the Imperials renegged on their end of the bargin, then she would not condemn Alliance actions to "rectify the situation in occupied terroritory", but believed that it would not come to that.

 

There is no official word from the Alliance yet, but optimism is strong among several elite scholars who support Ms. Faust's work.

 

When asked what she would do now, Anastasia smiled and gave the following answer.

 

"Today is only the first step. I believe actions at home are needed now that I've proven myself abroad. I will be setting up a charatable foundation for the aid of war refugees and those displaced by terrorist acts resulting from states of war."

 

Finally, she announced the purchase of a large spot of Coruscant property to begin the construction of the Coruscant Shield Disaster Memorial. The structure is set to reach from the ground up, leading to a massive park and chapel rising into the tops of the Coruscant skyline. This structure was designed by private architects and the labor, she reported it being contracted to private firms, some of which may be based off Coruscant.

 

"I'd have liked to have kept it entirely isolated to Coruscant based construction and labor, but following the disaster... it has become hard to do."

 

Despite that, from the size of the place, and the construction costs and labor and equipment being imported to build it, economists expect it to stimulate the Coruscant economy.

 

When asked again about the wisdom of holding her brother's funeral at the dedication of the Memorial, Anastasia released a statement.

 

"I realize the dangers... and ironies... of holding a funeral for my brother at an event like this. However, with his death, sadly enough, there may be a chance for healing and closure. I don't know what else I can offer other than my own sentiments. The attack on Coruscant, leading up to his death at the Jedi Temple, left him horribly scared physically, reflecting what he became, his soul impressed on his face. Yet he was a human being and as much as people say he was the Devil, he was only a mortal. A foolish one, a proud one, an.. evil one, and... bloodthirsty one..." At this time the sound of muffled tears were heard. ", but he was my brother whom I loved, and I want to turn as much good out of his death as I can..."

 

Wookie Flasher Arrested Outside Corellian Museum

 

Galactic AP

 

Coronet City, Corellia: In a shocking arrest, a shaven Wookie nudist, drunk and growling slurs at pedestrians was taken into custody....

Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences.

- Beverly Flanigan.

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A newscast comes on.

 

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, sentients across the galaxy. This is Uthiri Untiri reporting from Channel RWEF, live from Coreillia. Today we have a special guest here with us, Mr. Roger M. Wilcox, author of the new book The Force Skeptics. Mr. Wilcox, would you please provide us with a summary of your very interesting and controversial ideas?"

 

"It would be my pleasure, Ms. Untiri," said the man. "Actually, I brought a brief clip of it to run, if you will."

 

"By all means," replied Ms. Untiri.

 

The screens then fill with the following summary:

 

 

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."

— Han Solo, outspoken skeptic of the Force

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Jedi Knights are known for their supposed ability to perform "miracles." They can influence others' thoughts with a wave of their hand, use a slender light saber to deflect blaster bolts with their eyes closed, jump great heights in full gravity, move objects without touching them, see into the future, and do many other things that normal people can't. Or so they claim. They attribute these "powers" to an energy field they call the Force.

 

The Force supposedly cannot be detected by any device that has yet been built anywhere in the Galaxy. Furthermore, the only people who can detect the Force are those few "gifted" individuals who are "sensitive" to it. Aptitude with the Force is supposed to correlate with the concentration in ones cells of midichlorians (the organelles that evolved symbiotically from purple bacteria to provide chemical energy to cells through glucose combustion) — yet, many people with high midichlorian counts show no indication of having "powers" until the Order of the Jedi gets hold of them and "trains" them.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, you have been bamboozled. The Force is a fiction that exists only in the minds of deluded Jedi practitioners. The so-called "Jedi Powers" are nothing more than cheap stage-magic tricks that anyone can learn and which violate no known laws of physics. The Masters of the Jedi Order are charlatans, preying upon your gullibility and demanding your blind respect in return.

 

 

The Jedi Religion

The Jedi religion teaches all of its practitioners that the Force is real. They are encouraged, repeatedly, to "feel" the Force "flowing" through them. Belief in the Force is an absolute requirement for all Jedi — Jedi must never, ever question the Force's existence. Indeed, no recorded account exists of any Jedi — not even a newly-minted Padawan apprentice — questioning the existence of the Force.

 

 

Jedi "Master" Yoda, who can't even put together an English sentence correctly.

The highest-ranking members of the Jedi Order are called Jedi "Masters"; Yoda is the most well-known, and the most notorious, of these Jedi Masters. His followers treat him with the highest, unquestioning reverence, gobbling up his homespun wisdom as though it were manna from heaven. He and other Jedi Masters are, for all practical purposes, living messiahs, religious leaders that can quell the hearts of their agitated flock or drive them into an impassioned frenzy capable of tearing apart an Empire.

 

It cannot be overemphasized that this Cult of Personality expects blind obedience and unquestioning faith from its adherents. The fact that these fanatics are seen by outsiders as the "protectors of peace and justice throughout the Galaxy" makes them particularly dangerous. Thus far, the thousand-generation-old Order of the Jedi has not abused this trust, but all it would take would be one power-mad Jedi Master with the desire to lead his followers in a bloody coup, and this "benevolent" Order could turn into a gang of holy "crusaders" overnight.

 

Of more pressing interest, however, is the fact that the Jedi religion is supposed to be a religion. It is not a science. The true nature of the Force is supposed to have evaded scientific scrutiny for the last thousand generations. If this were truly the case, though, we should expect the Force to behave like the "Holy Spirit" or the "soul" from the more ancient religions: i.e. as something that's not only completely undetectable, but which doesn't influence the physical universe in any way. But the Jedi claim otherwise. They claim miraculous powers that do affect the physical universe.

 

And there, scientific scrutiny is appropriate, despite the Jedi's whining protests to the contrary.

 

It behooves us, then, to scrutinize the various powers claimed by Jedi practitioners, and to see if there isn't a more mundane explanation for these so-called powers that doesn't require ad-hoc hypotheses like "the Force" to understand them. I shall now do just this, by addressing the claims and showing the flaws in each of the claimed Jedi powers, one at a time.

 

 

Influencing the "Weak Minded"

This simple power is one of the easiest to amuse crowds with. A typical use of this power might go something like this:

 

Victim: Let me see your identification.

Jedi: [waving one hand] You don't need to see his identification.

Victim: We don't need to see his identification.

At the outset, this power seems quite remarkable: A disagreeable passerby can be made to bend to your will, simply by waving your hand — assuming you also know how to "use the Force" properly. However, this power has failed to stand up to controlled tests. Every single public demonstration of this power has involved the Jedi selecting the victim himself from out of a crowd. We have no reason not to suspect that the victim might be a "plant", someone to whom the Jedi has paid a few Imperial Credits and who has agreed to act like the Jedi's "spell" was working.

 

Han Solo, champion of reason. He's flown from one side of this Galaxy to the other. He's seen a lot of strange stuff, but he's never seen anything to make him believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls his destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

Certainly, there have been notorious cases where this so-called power has failed, such as in the Qui-Gong/Watto incident on Tatooine during the first Naboo conflict. Jedi are quick to explain that this power only works on the "weak minded," thus giving themselves the ultimate escape hatch: every time a Jedi gets caught using this power and having it fail, he can always claim that the victim wasn't "weak minded."

 

Has anyone ever tested the mental "weakness" of any of these victims immediately after the Jedi put on such a show? No. How does one make an objective test for whether someone is "weak minded" or not? Every such test that has been attempted, and which has shown a "weak minded" person who is immune to a Jedi's mind-influencing power or a "strong minded" person whom the Jedi have successfully victimized, has been dismissed by the Jedi as "biased" or "inaccurate" or "based on an incorrect model of mental strength." Yet the Jedi themselves are conspicuously silent on what qualities make someone "weak minded" or not — except, of course, that everyone who falls for the Jedi's mind-influencing power is retroactively deemed to be "weak minded." How convenient for the Jedi.

 

One reasonable-sounding hypothesis that has been proposed for this Jedi power is that, either naturally or with some artificial help, Jedi produce some kind of pheromone that makes anyone who inhales it particularly susceptible to suggestion. The waving of the Jedi's hand would help to waft this pheromone through the air. It's an interesting hypothesis, and one that bears greater investigation. It is especially suspicious that the Jedi forbid, and deliberately confiscate, any chemical-sensing apparatus brought in to one of their shows, with the claim that such devices cause "a disturbance in the Force."

 

 

Seeing the future

The Jedi's claim that they can see the future is by far the most ludicrous of their claims. Jedi are quick to point out that their view of the future is merely of a "possible" future, not of a definite future, and that in fact the very act of knowing the possible future may cause them to change it. Furthermore, the predictions of the future are always extremely vague. When asked direct questions about the future, Jedi Master Yoda has given notoriously evasive answers, such as:

 

"Difficult to see. Always in motion the future is."

Or:

"Clouded this boy's future is."

Tell me, Jedi: How is this "power" any more useful than the ability that any ordinary, non-Force-using person has to make forecasts of future events based on what he knows about the present? Your batting average isn't any higher than that of the average population. What does that say about your future-seeing "power"?

 

Telekinesis

Lifting small rocks and stacking them one on top of the other while standing on your head, hurling military 'droids across the room, summoning your light saber to your side, making a chance cube land on blue — are these really impressive feats of mind-over-matter, or just common stage trickery?

 

Repulsor-lift technology has become surprisingly cheap and compact. Common out-of-work stage magicians, performing on the streetcorners of Coruscant for hand-outs, have been known to employ miniature repulsorlifts hidden under their robes and cloaks to make objects appear to levitate. The Jedi claim to be "above" the need for such trickery, and I'm sure many of the more sincere padawans actually believe in the telekinetic powers of their masters. But has anyone ever checked? Has anyone ever searched a Jedi for hidden repulsorlifts? No. Anyone who's gotten close enough to perform such a search has gotten his hand chopped off with a light saber.

 

 

Jedi "Peace and Justice" — cutting off the hands of their detractors

 

The resemblance between Jedi telekinetic "powers" and common repulsorlift parlor tricks is remarkable. Jedi claim that the size of an object is irrelevant to their telekinetic powers, and that any object, no matter how large, can be lifted with the help of the Force. Yet, wonder of wonders, almost all demonstrations of Jedi telekinetic power have been on small objects like light sabers and milk crates and small rocks — all of which are within the weight capacity of a cheap miniature repulsorlift.

 

The one exception to this has been Yoda's demonstration of lifting an entire X-Wing fighter out of a swamp on Dagobah. An X-Wing fighter is certainly too heavy for a miniature repulsorlift to carry. But Yoda is known for his smooth-talking wiles, and it would be a grave mistake to assume that someone as crafty as this notorious Jedi Master didn't have a trick or two up his short sleeve. What trick did he pull? Well, isn't it obvious? An X-Wing fighter has its own built-in repulsor lifts! These built-in repulsors are what allow the X-Wing to hover-taxi into position for takeoff. (Military footage of the initial stages of the assault on the first Death Star at Yavin show this "repulsorlift taxiing" repeatedly.) Yoda's message of the Force isn't for the educated critic, it's for the gullible layman who may be ignorant of the fact that X-Wing fighers have their own high-powered repulsorlifts. While Yoda was standing on the shore and stretching out one hand toward the X-Wing fighter, his other hand (which the casual viewer would have been too distracted to notice) was thumbing a remote-control device that turned the fighter's repulsorlifts on. Voilá! A "miracle"!

 

 

Speaking from beyond the grave

Some Jedi Masters — and even a few Jedi apprentices — have reported hearing the voices of dead Jedi Masters giving them advice. Luke Skywalker, the hero of the Battle of Yavin, claimed to have heard the voice of recently-departed Jedi master Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi during his stressful attack run on the Death Star. Later, while near death on the frozen wastes of Hoth, he thought he saw Kenobi standing there in the snow telling him to go to Dagobah and study under Yoda.

 

Needless to say, Jedi practitioners assert that only a Jedi can talk to a dead Jedi. Yet, common folk report hearing the voices and seeing the shadowy forms of their dearly departed quite frequently. Jedi assert that these visions, when experienced by non-Jedi, are nothing more than waking dreams combined with wishful thinking.

 

But why should we believe that a Jedi's communion with the dead is the genuine article, while a non-Jedi's communion with the dead is an hallucination? What makes the Jedi's experience any more credible than the non-Jedi's? Nothing. This is just one more example of the Jedi Order claiming the inherent superiority of its members. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, these are the people to whom you have entrusted the guardianship of peace and justice in the Galaxy!

 

 

Deflecting blaster bolts with a light saber, with your eyes closed

Interposing the slender beam of a light saber between yourself and an equally-narrow bolt from a blaster is a remarkable feat. It hearkens back to the days of the four-color comics, when Wonder Woman deflected bullets (high-speed metallic projectiles fired from a slugthrower) with only her two indestructable bracelets and her Amazonian reflexes. Jedi attribute this skill to the Force, which supposedly lets them see where the blaster bolts will be an instant into the future, and which also supposedly "controls their actions but also obeys their commands."

 

Jedi train for years with their light sabers. By the time a member of the Order attains the rank of Jedi Knight, he will handle his light saber so naturally that the weapon is essentially an extension of his own body. To one so well-trained, blocking an incoming blaster bolt — which, as we all know from watching films of blaster bolts, actually moves more slowly than a bullet — would be like blocking a well-thrown pebble with ones own arm. It's a remarkable feat, but it would not require any special sensitivity to the Force. Non-Jedi who, according to the Jedi Order, have no aptitude whatsoever with the Force, have been known to pick up the blaster-bolt-deflection skill with sufficient training and motivation.

 

In an effort to "prove" to the non-believers that the Force is responsible for their ability to deflect blaster bolts, Jedi have been known to put on shows where they place small levitating "Remotes" in the air near them and wear helmets with opaque blast shields covering their eyes. They then set these Remotes to fire blaster bolts at them at seemingly random intervals and from seemingly random directions, with the power setting low enough that a stray bolt will only sting them a little if they fail to deflect it. They then proceed to intercept blaster bolts from these Remotes with a skill that makes the onlooker believe that they can almost see the Remotes without their eyes.

 

But good against Remotes is one thing. Good against the living? That's something else. If the Jedi ability to "see" the Remote with their eyes covered and only the Force to guide them is so central to the Jedi's repertoire, then why do Jedi engaged in combat against opponents with real blasters always deflect the bolts with their eyes open?

 

The answer is, Remotes aren't completely random. With enough experience, a person can get used to the patterns used by blaster-firing Remotes sufficiently that he can anticipate where it will go and when it will shoot next. He might not even be aware that he has memorized this pattern, and will be pleasantly surprised to discover that he has placed his light saber in just the right location to deflect the next blaster bolt based on instinct alone. He might even attribute this mysterious reflex to the Force, thus reinforcing his belief in something that isn't there.

 

Furthermore, a Remote makes a distinctive hissing sound as it scuttles through the air, allowing a blind person to hear where it is and when it moves. This, too, will help give the Jedi with his eyes covered enough of a clue to be able to deflect the bolts fired by the Remote. No precognition or other mysterious "outside help" is required. The Force need exist nowhere outside the Jedi's own imagination for his blaster-bolt-deflecting skill to work.

 

 

Great vertical leaps

Even in full gravity, Jedi have been observed jumping upward as high as 30 feet. An impressive feat, to be sure — until you remember that these same people usually perform demonstrations of telekinesis during the same show. The same repulsorlift hidden in the Jedi's robes, which can levitate a rock or an R2 unit, can also nullify the weight of the person holding the repulsorlift. A Jedi who turned such a repulsorlift on himself for a fraction of a second, while jumping with his normal leg muscles, would easily perform a "super leap."

 

 

"Dark" Jedi powers

According to the Jedi Order, a few Jedi have "turned to the Dark Side." These "Dark Jedi" or "Sith" supposedly use the Force for evil. Personally, I suspect that the label "Dark Jedi" is being applied to former members of the Jedi order who have done one of two things:

 

Quit the Jedi Order so that they could bamboozle people with their charlatanry without the Order getting their "cut", or

Threatened to go public with the fact that the Jedi Order is a sham, thereby forcing the Jedi to declare them to be "evil" and conveniently hack them down in a light saber battle before the Order's gimmicks and tricks can be exposed.

Obviously, those "Dark Jedi" who fall into the second category have been silenced, so we'll never get to hear their side of the story. I suppose some living Jedi could always use his speak-with-a-dead-Jedi powers to communicate with him , but of course I'd never believe a word of such a "channeling."

The Dark Jedi who fall into the first category, however, typically change their names to something that begins with "Darth," perhaps as a catchy stage name. They've gone on record as having "powers" equal to those of a "true" Jedi Knight, plus a couple of powers of their own that they use to spice up their repertoire of parlor tricks.

 

Thus far, two Dark Jedi powers have come to light (so to speak) which merit attention:

 

Telekinetic choking, and

Purple lightning bolts that come from their fingertips.

The first of these two Dark Jedi powers, telekinetic choking, was practiced most extensively by Anakin Skywalker (more popularly known by his stage name of Darth Vader). While on board the first Death Star, Anakin held up two of his fingers in front of his face in the classic "I am crushing your head, crush crush crush!" manner of Kids in the Hall, and his victim, Admiral Motti, suddenly found his airway so constricted that he couldn't breathe. Later, on board an Imperial Super Star Destroyer, he caused two of his admirals to die, or at least pass out, from lack of oxygen without even having to raise his fingers — one of whom he was merely watching on his video monitor!

Anakin "Darth Vader" Skywalker, we must remember, was a very charismatic figure. Imperial troops were terrified of him, and knew of his reputation with the Dark Side of the Force. In the presence of such imposing figures, people have been known to fly into hysterics or faint when the charismatic person convinces them to do so. The "telekinetic" choking that Darth Vader's victims experienced was nothing more than Voodoo! They believed they were being choked, so they really did choke, even to the point of passing out. Admiral Motti was more skeptical than the rest ("Don't try and frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader!"), which was why Vader had to deliberately raise his fingers and make the choking gesture with him. The other two admirals were already True Believers, and only needed a threatening look from the so-called "Dark Lord of the Sith" to convince them that their tracheae were obstructed.

 

The second of the two Dark Jedi powers, shooting purple lightning bolts from ones fingertips, was practiced most extensively by Emperor Palpatine. (It is sad that the leader of the entire Empire was such a fervent believer in the non-existent Force; such beliefs within the Old Republic's leadership have always eroded the Separation of Church and State whenever they reared their ugly heads.) Palpatine shot such lightning bolts from his fingertips at another Jedi, Luke Skywalker, during the siege on the second Death Star. The young Jedi Knight may have been taught how to parry blaster bolts with his light saber, but Jedi "Master" Yoda had failed to instruct him in how to parry lightning bolts. The electric jolts nearly killed him.

 

Electrostatic discharges, in the form or purple lightning bolts, are a common feature of some power generation systems. The twin engines on podracers, for example, shoot purple lightning bolts between each other to keep themselves synchronized and to supplement each others' power sources. If a Jedi Knight can keep a repulsorlift hidden in his long robes for the purpose of performing tricks of telekinesis, there's no reason why a Dark Jedi like Palpatine couldn't also keep an electrostatic discharge generator hidden in his robes for the purpose of putting on a deadly purple light show. If the electrodes are positioned correctly, he could make the corona discharge appear to come right out of the tips of his fingers.

 

 

Conclusion

Despite their claims of great powers, the members of the Jedi Order can do nothing that can't be accomplished by common stage magicians using mundane props. Darth Vader's sad devotion to that ancient religion did not help him conjure up the stolen data tapes, or give him clairvoyance enough to find the Rebels' hidden fortress. The existence of the Force has never been objectively demonstrated and, conveniently enough for the Jedi, supposedly "cannot" be objectively demonstrated. One simply is expected to "believe."

 

Count me among the likes of Han Solo, Admiral Motti, and the other brave skeptics that aren't convinced by handwaving and impressive-sounding words. The Jedi are the ones claiming that the Force is "real." It is up to the Jedi to provide the double-blind trials, the controlled experiments, the conclusive evidence that their extraordinary claims have any merit whatsoever.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Check out other books containing other fine products of my, ahem, creativity.

 

Send comments regarding this broadcast to: Roger M. Wilcox.

 

"Well, thank you, Mr. Wilcox," Untiri said. "This is Uthiri Untiri with RWEF. Thanks for tuning in."

 

*end broadcast*[/i]

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and following the fallen Gantoris' arrest outside the bar yesterday, no word has been issued since. We'll have more on this story as it develops.

 

KVC Enterprises Sues Roger Wilcox

 

Galactic Associate Press:

 

Coronet City, Corellia: A top spokesman from KVC Enterprises has filed a lawsuit against famed force skeptic Roger Wilcox following the news about his most recent book, The Force Skeptics. When asked what KVC Enterprises standing was in filing the suit, a top VP pointed to KVC Enterprises subsidiary, The Force Inc.

 

The Force Inc. was made after the eccentric merchant purchased the Force some time ago in what was held by some to be the "deal of the century" (For more details on that story, refer to our archieves here).

 

"By denouncing the Force with his pseudo scientific conspiracy theories, he has hurt our overall earnings. We are asking for some responsiblity and accountability from him," the spokesman said. "Since he is unwilling to give it, we will use legal force to protect our interests."

 

Of late, though, the spokesman admits that their Force liscencing scheme has encountered snags. "It's impossible to negotiate treaties with the Sith. They're far more likely to just kill you. For the Jedi, they can never make up their mind on the matter and we just don't have the heart to shut off the juice."

 

Kheldar vos Correlli, CEO of KVC Enterprises could not be reached for commen. He is currently engaged in a large scale battle with Coruscant authorities over the import of Galvinian stink bugs, which Coruscant authorities have claimed nausiated 23,000 people when their bile was dumped into the planet's sewer system after a failed effort to convert them into protien drinks.

 

 

Man Claims to have Received Winning Lottery Numbers from

Ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi

 

Galactic AP:

 

Tatooine, Mos Eisley: Adrik Ventrue claims to have come up with the winning lottery numbers after being visited by what he described as the ghost of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi...

KVCsig.jpg

 

The monarch of madness has returned!

 

[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.]

[2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.]

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A personal message comes across the holonet... A young woman dressed in similiar clothing to an Imperial Officer, though without any insignia stands there, her clear eyes looking into the camera as she spoke earnestly...

 

"I know I didn't get your name sir, but you know who you are. Thankyou for the information regarding the employment opportunity. I got the job.

 

Thanks again."

 

The voice of the young woman trailed off, the image fading to black before returning to a regular scheduled program.

KiVastor.jpg

 

Kheldar pops back into the bar, giving Ki a startled look.

 

"Wait a second.... Weren't you just here and- Oh, wait, nevermind. For some reason I'm getting deja vu..."

[meaning Alora]
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Coruscant Memorial Project Nearly Complete

 

Galactic Associated Press-

 

Coruscant: Drawing an end to a long period of construction, the megalithic Coruscant Memorial, being built from the surface up by heiress Anastasia Faust has reached its apex. With over 20,000 workers being imported in from off world to finish construction, as well as what an observer described as "star destroyers full of containers and building materials", this might be the most grandiose project in modern times.

 

Ms. Faust confirmed a meeting with the leader of the Jedi order, bolstering public confidence in this event. She has admitted to receiving death threats from former victims of her brother, but when asked if she was worried, merely shrugged.

 

"We've obtained yslamari from other sources to prevent rogue Sith, and should that fail, we'll have a whole battalion of Jedi present. There's enough internal security from man traps, to hidden lasers to discourage anyone from creating trouble both before, during, and after the dedication and funeral. It is my wish to create this place as a mutual ground for all people, without the threat of violence from each other, and to remain as a momument to all time for what has happened here on this poor planet."

 

The final phase, which is the construction of the Cathedrial atop the Memorial is finally under way. Built with thick durasteel walls several meters thick, the architecture was built to be able to survive a limited orbital bombardment, to "ensure peace would wither out the toils of war" as Anastasia put it.

 

When asked what was in the structure below, Anastasia aluded to the further development of the new Museum of Coruscant, which though off limits to the public until after the Funeral, would contain interesting exhibits on the past, present, and even future of Coruscant.

 

Finally, she confirmed that the funeral would be closed casket. Anastasia was kind enough to give us an exclusive look at the mutilated remains of her brother's body, currently being held under tight security by a private protection firm. The damage was quite severe to the late Vladimir, who according to reports, was jellified from the inside out and on the recovery still from massive burns in the shield collapse, making it easily understandable why she chose closed casket.

Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences.

- Beverly Flanigan.

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"Welcome back to Coruscant on Politics!"

 

A tall twilek with bluish skin says loudly. His over the top voice and style make some in the audience laugh but most clap. The camera zooms' in on Lycus Thorpe sitting at an interview table.

 

"I'm your host Tak Runtu, Today we have influential, powerful, and respected Trillionaire Industrliast Lycus Thorpe. Welcome Mr. Thope."

 

"Thank you Tak...pleasure to be here."

 

"Thorpe hows buisness...?"

 

"Quite good, we've just opened up some new branches and I'm happy to say just filled the V.P. position at the firm."

 

"You were quite outspoken in your briefing last week about Anastaisa Faust....care to elaborate?"

 

"Of course, I think Miss Faust is an oppurtunist...someone who seeks to change the galaxy for her own amusment. I think she is simply trying to compensate for her feelings of guilt over her brother."

 

Some in the crowed clapped, others were silent.

 

"Do you think she will succeed in her bid in the Hapes Cluster?"

 

"Now I didn't come here to talk about Faust, but I believe that her effort will ultimately fail. As we speak thier is an investigation into one of her closest companions actually using the same ship that Vladimir Faust used to cause millions of deaths on hundreds of worlds..."

 

The crowed hushed and quickly began talking excitedly.

 

"Personally I lost loved ones in the Coruscant disaster...I find it offensive that Miss Faust has the ordasity to involve herself in the memorial ceremony, I personally would enjoy spitting on Fausts remains."

 

Several in the audience screamed approval.

 

"Umm...we will be right back after a word from our sponsor." said the host unsure what to say.

 

The holonet went black and then Thorpe Corporation logo began a short commericial.

thorpe.jpg

"A New Age of Corporate controlled prosperity is upon us...say goodbye to chaos and dischord."

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"... and it was confirmed that she was being trailed following her exit from the Jedi Temple by an unmarked Taxi until Coruscant police and the Alliance military were called in to investigate what may have been a possible assassination attempt, though that claim has yet to be verified. The occupants of the taxi were surrounded by Alliance officials, though no further word has been given on what happened afterwards. After that story, Miss Faust was taken into protective custody. She is currently in hiding where only top Alliance officials are in a position to contact her and will remain so until her brother's funeral."

 

The news anchor looks back at the footage of the chase and its suprising end.

 

"Reports of investigations into possible police corruption are being looked into on this case, though nothing conclusive has reached our ears."

 

The anchor then shuffles through more papers, getting a new dispatch.

 

"Wanted for questioning in this whole affair is Lycus Thrope. Though authorities have yet to publically declare any charges or official wrong doing committed by Mr. Thrope, he is being sought to verify new information that surfaced regarding possible illicit ties to the Empire's war machine and crimes in the Hapes Cluster. A source in the Alliance military hinted that Ms. Faust may have been the one to deliver this information, which could be the motivation for what appears to be an ongoing dispute between her and the Imperial sympathizers at the Thrope Corporation. For the first time, word has officially surfaced that Ms. Faust may be in possession of valuable information her late brother left her regarding his Imperial ties, which was the basis for her negotiations with the Hapes Cluster.

 

As of yet there has been no word from the government of the Imperial remenant, other than that 'progress has been made to consider the terms negotiated by Ms. Faust for the Hapes Cluster'. With allegations of wrong doing spewing back and forth between Ms. Faust and Mr. Thrope, and protestors starting to ready for the funeral of the infamous murderer, this situation could be explosive."

Forgiveness is a rebirth of hope and a reconstruction of dreams. Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences.

- Beverly Flanigan.

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The newsreporter behind the desk gets handed another datapad.

 

 

 

Breaking News

 

This just in...

 

The Golden Link Casino has just been robbed.

 

It is still a mystery how thieves managed to break into the Golden Link Casino's vault amidst the high tech and tightened security since an incident with Black Sun. Rumours have it that Black Sun is behind this robbery.

 

[images flash up of all the thieves as they appeared on the holo recording both of the guards had taken along with secondary images of the sith John Skywalker, Slicer, Fracus and Ganelon. No second singular holo of Bekka is shown though she is seen in the images of the vault itself]

 

This final image is of Lord Ganelon of House Bozel, the known ringleader of the heist. A bounty has been placed on all of the individuals of the heist though he is the only one wanted dead or alive.

 

As other footage of the heist is shown the news reporter is heard to mutter to someone out of range of the screen .. 'he deserves more than that from what I hear...' the image flashes back to him and he straightens up

 

It has been reported that the Casino may close until further notice. We have been informed that there has been damage done to the hanger bay and the holopark, as well as the vault. Several security guards lost their lives during the robbery. Funerals for the deceased will be held next week.

 

**

 

Fades out and another news story begins...

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BREAKING NEWS

 

The Black Sun has denied involvement in the robbery of the Link Casino. The Black Sun points to its extensive assets in real estate and cortosis mining as evidence that it has no need for the paltry sums carried by the Casino. Also, none of those caught by surveillance tapes have ever been associated with the Black Sun. The Black Sun leadership challenges anyone to come forth with actual evidence of its guilt. In addition, the Black Sun has pledged to devote its best operatives to capturing those involved.

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The news reader tapped his earpiece getting another update on the Casino Heist.

 

NEWS UPDATE

 

We have just received this footage taken live while the heist was occuring. Our agent on the scene able to get us the footage taken from Link guards, one of which was badly injured in the assault. The voice you hear is that of Lord Ganelon.

 

"We better hurry!" Ganelon called as he is seen sliding back up to the harmonics generator room with several bags full of credits. "We have nearly 900 million credits here," he gasped. "After Black Sun gets its cut we're going to be filthy rich."

 

Ganelon is then seen shaking his head and pulling out his sporting blaster, setting it to stun, and a fist full of stun grenades, he fell along side the door leading out into the hall.

 

"We break for the rendevuez point and charge. I don't care if we're spotted, we keep moving!" he was heard to whisper, throwing rolling one of his pearl stun grenades out into the hall. There's a flash and a bang. Ganelon peeked his head out and promptly jerked it back, just behind a spew of return fire. "If we can get there, I imagine things will turn out alright..." He threw out another grenade, disabling another two guards. "Besides," he added, tossing the packs to the others and loading two on his own back. "This money is the perfect hostage and one that I don' think they'll want to risk."

 

The sound of gunfire is heard throughout the footage, though it had been cleaned up well enough for the words to be heard quite clearly.

 

"There you have it folks, you heard it as plain as I that Black Sun had been mentioned by none other than the Ringleader himself and is involved. Uniforms of the Link Security had been used as well.

 

We haven't yet got word on those that have been injured, though a list of the deceased will be disclosed later in the week. It was heard that one of the theives actually saved the life of one of the owners of the Casino, Zara Nargal, though her condition is currently unknown. We have been informed that she was last seen being carried off by a Jedi to be healed, along with Brina Thalin."

 

On to other news, the Funeral for the late Vladimir Faust is currently underway.... story continues ... fade out

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