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Bounty Hunter Mike

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REBEL TERRORISTS IN SHOCKING SMEAR CAMPAIGN

 

Rebel insurgents today tried to discredit popular candidate for Chancellor, Jidai Geki, by hiring thugs and putting on a show on Chandrila.

 

A supposed 'reporter' was involved in a staged altercation where a hired thug attacked the woman.

 

"I am shocked and appalled by the lengths these terrorists will go to," stated Governor Geki, speaking from Coruscant where he is overseeing his electoral campaign. "SEED does not condone the use of force, and we believe wholly in the democratic process. We urge voters to ignore this underhanded and unethical use of untruths by the opposition."

 

Governor Geki will be touring the upper levels of Coruscant later today.

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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A message, from a poor rat-man just trying to do some good, floats about the ”˜net.

 

The message tells the story of how a particular Jedi Master was just recently taken captive by the ruthless Rane Scando.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ATTENTION BOUNTY HUNTERS, MERCENARIES, AND SCUM OF THE UNIVERSE!

 

 

Killers wanted!

 

The Dark Lord of the Sith, Lord Ar-Pharazon has once again chosen to grace one lucky individual with the oppertunity to own a planet all by themselves! A bounty has been placed apon the now ex-Sith Jareth Vermillios.

Ar-Pharazon has decreed that Jareth must be killed, and to prove that the job has been finished, he demands the presentation of Jareth's head and lightsaber to the Dark Lord.

 

Payment shall be delivered in person. Apon completetion of the job, contact Raynuk Montar.

 

The Dark Lord will also pay handsomely for the head and lightsaber of any current Jedi Knight or Master!

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I ate a hippo. It was delicious.

May the Forth therve you well...

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SEED'S TERRORISM AGENDA EXPOSED!

 

"Faced with the blame of the death of the remaining population of Ryloth, along with a Comm that was certified as being his, Geki left Coruscant today after being cornered by Senators Pol Polloda, Prince Isolder, and Dhan-Jaroe Kenobi. Here is the comm:

 

 

'Hello, Master Jedi. This is Governor Jidai Geki.

 

I was thinking about our altercation on Ryloth some time ago, and it occurs to me that I thoroughly enjoyed snapping your bones as if they were kindling. I confess that I currently find myself at a loose end, and seek entertainment as such.

 

I know that you Jedi supposedly don't take revenge, but I would remind you that I crushed you as effortlessly as I crushed a fly. If any part of you would like to see that act avenged, would like to defeat me in combat, then I urge you to accept my challenge. Go to Coruscant, and there you will find me, waiting.'

 

 

Geki has not commented, and has been charged with the murder of the population of Ryloth and a Jedi task force and several terrorist actions associated with SEED. He is wanted alive by the Galactic Federation Authorities."

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A pirated signal invades the Holonet, replicating itself and finally broadcasting. The humble image of Aryian Darkfire, still in Jedi robes, steps into the image and takes off his hood.

 

"Greetings, fellow gentlebeings of the Galaxy. Recently on the news you may have heard of Governor Geki being found guilty in the Galactic Senate due to a Comm he had sent me. I tell you now, in my honest and true words, that it was all made up, spliced together and modified from other holographic recordings I had on him that I hacked from his database. I used my own voice to copy his, using the force to make it pass the verbal identity tests run on it."

 

Aryian paused here, seemingly calling the force to him. When he spoke next, it was the harsh words of Jidai Geki that resounded outwards.

 

"You see, by a simple trick, I could copy his voice and create the tools necessary to bring down him and SEED."

 

He paused again, and his normal voice came back.

 

"It is my humble apologies that I send out now, that instead of he who played fraud it was I, using my skills in the force as well as those in electronics to falsify the comm and decieve the courts. I retract the comm and any evidence associated with it in the Senate. Thank you for your time, beings of the Galaxy, and good day."

 

It ended, allowing the normal flow of the Holonet to resume.

Immediately reachable by  charlesjhall@gmail.com

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Dhan-Jaroe's voice is heard over the Holonet

 

"Do not listen to this nonsense everyone. Do not be as naive to think that the comm could be spliced together, and that Aryian could mimic his voice. There is no force trick to do such a thing. Aryian Darkfire was manipulated by Geki and was being controlled by Geki to do his bidding. Aryian is now well again, and I am sure he would be more than happy to contradict his last message.

 

"Also, if Geki were truly innocent, why did he leave the Senate instead of facing the charges? Because he is guilty of them"

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  • 3 weeks later...

A new message arrived on the holonet. The image of Keiran Valoria materialized, his face appeared tired and worn. His eyes were a cold grey and a lomin ale could be seen in his hand.

 

"This message goes out to my old friend BLCKCLONE, or Gantoris, whatever name you take now as a sith...

 

I wish to speak to you, holonet is the only way I can think of contacting you. I need your assistance, I don't care whether you are a sith lord now or not, I just need you.

 

I will be at the Cantina in Coronet City on Corellia. Valoria Out."

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Galactic Holonet News Service brings the following from the Galactic Senate:

 

Jedi Master Keiran Valoria Decries Jedi Order

Investigation called to deal with allegations against Jedi Council

 

Live Video Feed from the Senate:

 

Strolling into the Galactic Senate in his brown Jedi's robes, Keiran Valoria takes a senatorial pod using his creditentials. Finally, he submits for proof a sample of his DNA, proving indisputably he is Keiran Valoria. He undergoes a brief period of preparation then makes his address, speaking with slow, deliberate, and projected manners, using the force to subtly nudge the emotions of his audience as his former master had shown him, preening to holonet cameras to carry his message beyond the senate chamber.

 

"I am Jedi Master Keiran Valoria and on behalf of the safety of the Galaxy, I would like to call into commission a special task force to deal with the growing instances of terrorism sweeping across star systems. I am calling on the republic to stand up for the safety of its citizenry here, and making an appeal for the common right and the cause of justice. Coruscant itself has suffered much of late, and I fear if this plague is allowed to continue, it will spread beyond our control."

 

Throwing back his outer cloak in a dramatic fashion Keiran raises his arms up imploringly. "Who else is with me in calling on the Republic? What can they do for us and what can we in turn do for them? Let us be heard."

 

There is a loud roar of applause and praise.

 

"Will any one from the republic take my standard and carry it, or have these halls grown empty with bureaucratic wrangling once more?"

 

'The Hon. Senator for the Twi'Lek homeworld of Ryloth applauds the Jedi Master's diligence and exhorts him to reveal his proposal!'

 

At this Keiran's face turns somber.

 

"I recently sought out Master Gantoris for aid on what to do. As it was shown by his actions on your own planet, senator, he has left the Jedi order and is rebelling against the Republic. A terrorist he was deemed."

 

At this he raises his hands imploringly again.

 

"I have a horrible confession to make. You have all been deceived by the Jedi order and their cohorts as they are conspiring against the New Republic. It was after following Master Ara and Master Dhan Jaroe's orders for so long that I left and saught the wise Jedi's aid. You see, the hospital attack that the Jedi blamed on that rogue Faust, the one that killed all those people... was committed by me. We, the Jedi order, are the true terrorists."

 

At this a loud gasp echoes through the Senate. Order eventually maintains itself.

 

"It was done under direct and secret orders from Master Kaipi. After the rebels callously destroyed the Jedi Temple, they decided an example needed to be made. Fear, fear struck into the heart of Coruscant would allow them the control they needed. The Coruscant Bank scandal, that zombie virus which the Jedi managed to oh, so heroically put down, and other similar events were instigated by the Jedi Council. That is why Gantoris left. That too is why I am leaving."

 

Keiran's eyes blaze, his voice amplified now by his righteous anger. "Too long have I been a dupe. The Jedi are hidden, gone from Coruscant, working their mechanations with in the Republic in secret." His force powers subtly flow out, nudging the emotions of the audience in the Senate. "I demand an investigation into their actions! I want their leadership on trial for the crimes they have committed and will continue to commit!"

 

At this Keiran lists off a henious list of crimes that he owned to committing, from poisoning the Naboo Gungan lake, to instigating an Imperial attack on Kashyyyk that leveled the planet. In truth, these crimes were committed by someone else previously mentioned in the Jedi Master's speech, but who knew? Not a soul in the chamber. The public however, fed this speech on Holonet, were taken in.

 

"I have sinned greviously," Keiran weeps, tears flowing down his face. "I had to break my silence though. The forces of justice demanded it. A former student of Master Kaipi's has sought me out, a great and wise leader who lost his son, foolishly, in the service of the Jedi order. Master Gantoris, the sage and Jedi paragon of wisdome and patience has also allied with this visionary. Recently Governor Geki stood here, crying out against the waste being done. How many of you saw a Jedi commit the complete and utter destruction of that bastion of civilization and light, the moon of Sanity's End? We all know what Ben'a Solo did under orders there. He gutted it to the core, just as the Jedi are gutting our souls and security, but no more!"

 

At this the Senate breaks into complete and unanimous applause, taken in entirely by the speech. Keiran gives a mournful smile and bows before the applause. "I will await outside on the steps of the Senate, confident in your vote. My crimes are heavy and I do not ask your pardon for them, only the resolution to prevent them from reoccuring under Master Ara and Master Dhan Jaroe's tyranical fist!"

 

More unanimous applause and approval breaks out. There is some uncertainty, but Keiran, having established himself inrefutably as the Master Jedi that he was, was believed and they took in his words, calling for a crusade to deal with the venomous treason committed by the so called "Knights of the Republic".

 

-End Feed-

 

At this, Master Keiran left, and the subject of an investigation was called for, to be put up to a vote.

 

Political analysts believe it has a 87% chance of passing at this point in time.

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A brash Imperial agent, one surfing the ”˜net for alien-on-alien pornography while he should have been monitoring the channels that the Empire's enemies were known to use, stumbles across Jedi Master Hou-Jo Poleb's message ”“ Poleb's message had been re-routed through a Wookiee gay sex channel.

 

Losing his erection immediately, the brash Imperial agent alerts his superiors.

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Using a different frequency and making sure the message was both secure and untraceable, Kirana sent a message back to Master Hou-Jo Poleb via the same means.

 

--

 

”œMessage received Jedi Master Hou-Jo Poleb. Will comply. General Kirana Sunrider, Out.”

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The Force can do terrible things to a mind it can wipe away your memories and destroy your very identity. - Carth Onasi

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The image of Vladimir Faust, looking prestine, dignified, and dashing in his white coat and outfit appears on Holonet. His mouth is drawn back into a somber expression of forced regret.

 

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the galaxy. My name is Vladimir Faust, a lawful and liscenced bounty hunter. It has come recently to my attention of events unfolding in the Galactic Senate concerning the defemation of my character by the Jedi."

 

There is a pause, then he continues, his voice hardening. "As a professional hunter of the peace, it is my task to execute bounties dealt by the authorities of the galaxy. I admit to carrying out acts against the order as a retainer of the governing body, but only as an agent of law and justice against their petty terrorism."

 

Faust's eyes now glint with anger. "Their petty efforts to frame me were thankfully exposed by one of conviction, brutally murdered before the very senate as he offered proof of their treachery. While he may have at one time been a foe, I commend him for his bravery and honor. The rest of his order however, are rogues and knaves of the first class, which brings me to my reason for appearing before you.

 

I will be leading an independent commission on the preservation of truth and justice, a special task force designed to stamp out the terrorism propogated by the Jedi knights. In this, I hold all Jedi to be suspect and those that do not surrender to the authorities will be hunted down and delivered, as will their allies such as groups as the Death Strikers and other supporters who abiet them in their actions against the people."

 

There is a regretful tone as if Faust is forced to hunt down the Jedi, but feels compulsed to by common decency.

 

"I myself will be leading the effort to bring them in, dead or alive. I urge others to forward information and tips, or even for the daring, to take matters into your own hands as the good people of Coruscant have done with their demonstration. Thank you and good night."

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

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ShadowFett logged into the Holonet and left this message.

 

"The Jedi apprentice Jasyn is in the hands of Black Sun. If the Jedi value his life, then they will arrange to send three Jedi representatives, including Ara-Lai Kaipi and Jareth Vermillios, if the latter is available, to the Last Call.

 

"Otherwise, he will die," Fett warned.

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Previous reports were mistaken. A new report signals the true fate of Jasyn, if a Jedi representative does not approach the Black Sun agents within the Last Call in twenty four hours(real time). Jasyn will be turned over to the Sith Order for reeducation.

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The image of the galaxy's most well known celebrity materialized on the holonet.

 

"Good evening, for those of you who don't know who I am, my name is Keiran Valoria. This is a message to the jedi order. I have a topic of mutual interest that I must present to you, this topic is extremely sensitive and confidential. Discussing it using any method other than face to face would be extremely damaging to myself and your order. I ask that the order decide on one representative to come to me. If you decide to break my request and send an attack force, I will break your force into many pieces and release the information in my posession. Many innocent people will die through my actions if you do not send only one representative. I will be at the hutt palace on tatooine. Valoria out."

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A scribbly screen popped up on the holonet's signal, untraceable, the voice modified to have a heavy, yet understandable, accent.

 

"Keiran. We will send one representative, but not to the place you are requesting. We request a more neutral meeting place, or no talking will take place. Thank you."

"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

--Mythbusters

 

Proud member of the vast Right-Wing conspiracy

 

Look! ART!!!

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A channel on the holonet came to life. The Emperor stood before the denizens on the galaxy. "Whores and Scumbags of the galaxy, and whore and scumbag are words I use rather lightly, I have an announcement of great news to inform you. In exchange to keep my life, I have agreed to reveal the truth about certain matters. Particularly the rumors that are against the Govenor of SEED, Lord Geki. For the longest time Geki has been trying to keep his good reputation and respect, but for all too long the galaxy has been buzzing with rumor of deciet in lies, that portray him as a villain, a cheat, an enemy of Jedi, and of last but most terrible: a murderer. These rumors have arisen from none other then myself and my staff that's been running the Empire. For far too long I have viewed SEED as a threat to my Galactic domination... but finally Lord Geki has come to silence me. My grand palace, which I have constructed through the works of slaves, whose only pleasure was raping the women of the native land of my home, is now surrounded by the proper of authorities that are SEED. I surrundered unconditionally that I be a prisoner of war and will be kept alive. SEED has agreed to give me a fair trial. As I have seen the error of my ways, I am passing the torch of the Empire to my former ally, Lord Geki. May he be able to right the wrongs I have brought upon this world."

 

The Emperor pushes a button off screen, and the feed dies.

barabbas4.jpg

Wow, you're a sick bastard. I thought I was bad, making minions eat their own brains and all
MasterJediJesus: Now you're just being a [richard]

When I get angry, people start dying.

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*A holonet feed flickers into life, and a labouring old man, cracked and strained with the vast powers running through him, appears seated in a throne. The field tracks out to reveal Jidai Geki, stood with his lightsabre ignited.*

 

'My loyal subjects, welcome to the trial of the traitor and pretender to the Imperial throne, Darth Havoc. This will be a short affair.'

 

*Geki grabs the old man and flings him to the floor. As he struggles to get up, Geki plants a boot on his rump and shoves him back down.*

 

'Darth Havoc, formerly Hale Akturus, I find you guilty of treason.'

 

*Geki raises his lightsabre.*

 

'Goodbye, old friend.'

 

*Darth Havoc was the last true friend Jidai Geki ever had, and his oldest. As the lightsabre strikes swiftly and viciously, as Havoc's head rolls from his shoulders, and as the spark of life in the emaciated frame disappears, so too does the last of Geki's humanity.

 

Geki deactivates the lightsabre and looks directly into the field.*

 

'I am your new Emperor.'

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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"Bundling up now declared Treason by Dark Lord of the Sith, Kakuto Ryu."

 

NEWS- Dark Lord declares cleavage legislation. Kakuto believes that cleavage is a sign of patriotism, and hiding it in circumstances that merit cleavage is treason of the worst kind. Owners of cleavage must either diplay it proudly or avoid being noticed by Kakuto Ryu. Failure to comply after one warning will result in one day naked in the gallows followed by a year of Golden Bikini parole.

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Folowing the Dark Lord's Announcement, the following ad starts playing:

 

Several scantly clad female models- humans, Twi'leks, and even what appears to be a Wookie appear.

 

"Hello," one of the models states in a super sweet voice, throwing back her red curls. "We're here to show our patriotism. Of course," she giggles, "sometimes it can be rather hard. That's why we have the KVC Enterprises Wonder Bra!"

 

"That's right!" affirms one of the Twi'leks. "It enhances the finer attributes of over 189 species and is both comfortable and supportive. It's thin durable fibers are firm and take a load off my chest."

 

"Indeed, and it can even protect against a blaster bolt," chimes in a third.

 

"No, I'd worry more about the proton torpedos," laughs a fourth, rich with inuendo in her voice.

 

The image fades out and the announcer takes over.

 

"The KVC Enterprises Wonder Bra- on sale at stores near you. It's one purchase that won't fall flat!"

KVCsig.jpg

 

The monarch of madness has returned!

 

[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since March 2002.]

[2nd in Command of the Lords of Hate since March 2002.]

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Wanted: The services of a skilled Bounty Hunter

 

The screen lights up with an image of an elegant looking young woman.

 

"I need to find someone and feel the best way to do this is through the skills of a Hunter. Please, if you can help me... contact me"

 

The image then fades out...

 

Your prospecive employer will be waiting at Cafe Australis in Upper Levels, Coruscant and can be contacted on [insert comm code]

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Darth Alraune

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News Flash

 

This is Katie Van Ree reporting for holonet news. This just in on the battle begin waged in the skies above Coruscant. We have just been sent this footage taken from the cockpit of a brave rebel fighter.

 

The scene shows firstly an enemy fighter flashing past the front of the fightercraft as it heads towards the superweapon. Zooming the camera in, it shows how the Empire/SEED has attached a prisoner, in a spacesuit, to the front of the ship. The rebel fighter zips away, the footage ending

 

I really can't believe this. Those beasts have a hostage on the front of what is rumoured to be their superweapon. Intelligence reports say that they had captured Jedi on the planet Ilum. If this is how they treat their prisoners what would they do if they were in power here? Take up arms, defend against the invaders!

 

Another report is handed to the reporter and she scans it before looking back into the camera

 

In other news, Alliance scientists have analysed the agent that had been placed in our water supply and have created a counter agent to neutralise it. This has been circulated in our water supply so that it is now safe to use our water once more.

 

The camera shot again shows the footage of the evil Empire's treatment of prisoners and again the warning given to take up arms against the invaders... the scenes fade out...

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The Force can do terrible things to a mind it can wipe away your memories and destroy your very identity. - Carth Onasi

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Tragedy Strikes! Worst disaster in Galactic History!

 

Galactic Associated Press

 

CORUSCANT- Following a seige by the imperial remenants and the arrival of a deadly, underhanded super weapon, the Alliance forces bravely mustered a defense of the planet, beating back and holding off the attackers.

 

Somewhere though, something went wrong, and the command crews projecting us failed.

 

A readjustment of the shields caused them to slice through the mid-level towers caused wide spread devistation across the city-planet. Only a handful of buildings were able to survive this devistation as the towers collapsed and spiraled downwards, raining death on those below during a sloppy, and riotous evacuation process.

 

*The camera pans out to show the devistated planet. The Link's HQ stands tall and alone amid a field of devistation.*

 

There was only one building in this sector to survive the attack. Apparently the Link, a popular meeting spot had the shields slice through a maintenance level and the building, when falling, was able to collapse smoothly down ontop of itself, making it a miracle. Though damaged, reports are showing things to be stable there and reports find no casualties with in.

 

We have been unable to reach the Alliance high command in regards to how this shield mishap could have occured. An investigation is presumably underway, even with the battle raging on.

 

Estimates show up to 35 billion dead, though a more realistic figure suggests closer to 28.5 billion. Property damage is beyond the scale to measure. Initial appraisers from Consolidated Coruscant Insurance put this well into the hundreds of trillions of credits and have immediately filed for a stay order until cause can be shown for the mishap, and if it is covered by their protection plan, which legal scholars estimate will allow the CCI company off the hook- barely, though this will cost them the good will of many of the surviving populace. With the matter already thrown into the courts, it could be years before insurance begins to pay out if the CCI's parent company brings their legal team into this affair, assuming any survived the collapse of its sector HQ, also on Coruscant.

 

The devistation is beyond anything I have ever witnessed. Someone is going to pay for this. It appears to have been an accident and miscalculation by the Alliance, but if this was done with malicious intent by sabateours, then there will be hell to pay for whoever was responsible.

 

We'll keep you informed as more news develops.

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

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Empire steps in to heal scars of gross Rebel incompetence

 

The rightful ruler of the galaxy, Emperor Geki, claimed the throne today at the galactic capital of Coruscant- but the price of law and order was a heavy one.

 

Rebel personnel, desperate to maintain their illegal regime, have perpetrated the single worst act of genocide in galactic history as the aeons-old capital was shattered by a horrifying miscalculation in planetary shield control.

 

The Empire has restored what order it can in such tragic circumstances, and reconstruction has already begun. All planets which were former protectorates of the Empire are ordered to pledge allegiance to the New Galactic Order, and the Imperial governmental infrastructure will soon be reestablished.

 

Any and all Rebel surviving personnel are now to be considered fugitives and guilty of heinous war crimes.

 

All transmissions are now subject to Imperial censorship laws.

Geki1.jpg

http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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Galactic Associated Press

 

CORUSCANT- Amid the terrible tragedy that struck in the past several hours, a new ray of hope envolped the planet, despite the ongoing war in the heavens. Across the city, spontaneously it seems, people have began picking up and singing a piece our experts have identified as an old requiem mass from the early days of the Old Republic. In his forty years of reporting, I have never seen anything like it, nor felt anything so moving or touching, especially against something so dark and soul rending as the scene that lay before me when Coruscant collapsed.

 

The battle may rage on, but fire fighters, rescue workers, police, and doctors are working with a renewed energy across the whole planet, possibly even lowering our loss estimates by a signifigant margin. Even as we speak, new volunteers join in, pouring out into the streets to help.

 

Regardless of what form tf this tragedy took or what ever the cause of this sudden and haunting outburst was, I think we can all agree that even amid this crushing reality of a war torn and battered world, hope still shines. We must not forget that miracles occur from even the most simple of things, and that humanity can prevail over any adverse circumstace. Even in spite of what happened mere hours before, I must conclude that truly the Force is with us this evening.

Malin.jpg

 

What drew out such power from your machine was truly the drive of your soul... It was your 'Id'. The sign of the purpose you've been seeking... The mark of a natural born assassin!

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  • 2 weeks later...

A cloaked figure appears on the holonet. "Hello, I am the Raven. I am in search of my next Jedi padawan and would like anyone wishing to recieve Jedi training or has already begun their training to meet me on Endor. I am in need of a padawan and hope that someone can help me. Thank you."

 

The figure disappeared.

barabbas4.jpg

Wow, you're a sick bastard. I thought I was bad, making minions eat their own brains and all
MasterJediJesus: Now you're just being a [richard]

When I get angry, people start dying.

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A man appeared on the Holonet. He had a hood concealing his features. "Attention, Jedi. This is his excellency the Emperor. The Sith has gained custody of a Jedi hopeful by the name of Ads-Gop Flif. I am holding a ransom for him. Deliver 1,000,000 credits to a resident Sith at the Last Call is our only demand. If you do not pay this ransom, we will be forced to give him back. Thank you for your cooperation."

 

The Holonet feed went blank.

barabbas4.jpg

Wow, you're a sick bastard. I thought I was bad, making minions eat their own brains and all
MasterJediJesus: Now you're just being a [richard]

When I get angry, people start dying.

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*A bunch of children sit around looking bored when suddenly a disembodied voice manifests itself.*

 

"Hey Kids; Do you like Meat?"

 

"Yeah!" The Children proclaim, suddenly quite interested.

 

"What about Cannibalism?"

 

"Yeah!" The kids proclaim again, equally as enthusiastic.

 

"Then you'll love Kakuto Ryu Brand Nerf Jerky!"

 

*A picture of a vacuum sealed pouch filled with a dried meat substance appears meanwhile super intense electric guitar plays in the background.*

 

"Kakuto Ryu brand Nerf Jerky is he only Jerky that's as good or better than dining on Human flesh! Just ask Dark Lord of the Sith and self proclaimed 'Sexiest man in the Universe' Kakuto Ryu!"

 

*Kakuto appears holding a bag of the Jerky, his finger pointing accusatively.*

 

"That's right, My Jerky is better than dining on human flesh. It puts all those other weak jerkys to shame, then beats the crap out of them and dines on their flesh, 'CAUSE IT'S JUST THAT DAMN GOOD!"

 

*Screen goes back to the package.*

 

"Remember- if the package doesn't show screaming children getting thrown into a meat grinder, then it's not Kakuto Ryu Brand Nerf Jerky."

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